whoo hoo another risk

OMG clearly i am losing my mind. this is REALLY long, just so you know. I've been dealing with something internally for a while now with T and my clinic, and I am finally putting it into words. Things take a long time to "cook" with me.... *sigh*.... so, i just sent T this LONG email confronting a challenge I am having with my clinic. I dunno what will happen now. I need to go thru and change the names... may look funny.... good luck if you are going to read it.... Oh - my purpose for posting is to show risk taking (and keep pushing myself) and to gain support for this scary thing because I am afraid I'll lose my T and MD and SW (Social worker) if I can't comply with the "intergrative clinic". They spend 2 hours (a week I think... hopefully not a day...) putting their heads together about all the clients so they can give the client the most benifit. Soooooooo.... hugs appreciated. Maybe it's a good thing i won't see T for 9 days.... *sigh*
Here's the email....

Dear T,
About my whole irritation and angst about the "integrative" piece with clinicians talking about me (working together). I know that the last time I wrote about this, I said it did not need to be brought up again - little do i know. Like you keep reminding me, I'm an observer, and i'm a thinker, and i've been working on this in the back of my mind for a long while.

I know that this is the model of the clinic. And I know (like SW has said) that, though my dr's are talking about me, it is that they want things FOR me not FROM me.
But what it feels like to me (which I finally just worked through today and even talked about some in group tonight) is that it feels like there is no confidentiality and that I have no solid boundaries. It feels to me like it is recreating the patterns of my household. Where everyone knows what I do, what I say, who i have conflict with, if i had a panic attack - and I can't say "I don't want people to know this" because this is the way the clinic functions. This is the way the family functions.
It is also hard because at home I am working on boundary setting (even though it is VERY difficult for me to be heard with mom) but that I can't set boundaries at the clinic. Which seems to undermine my work (even though I know it is not supposed to) because I am still having to be one way at home (boundary setting against the powers that don't want to allow me to) and not setting them at the clinic - because my boundary would be "I don't want anyone to talk about me. Period. I don't want to have one collective file where everything from everyone is thrown in. I don't know what people know and don't know." And yes, it does feel paranoid.

I don't know how to move forward from this conflict. I feel like I need to be careful with what I say or write because I ultimately don't know who will find out about it later. But "there are no secrets". So I am struggling. At the same time, I can acknowledge that it is good and growth that I am able to understand the inner conflict and address it. Having an internal system of alters like I do, the subject of quitting the clinic has been played out and replayed. Which isn't want I want. In my perfect world, I want you to not talk with MD or DO or anyone about me, nor them with you or anyone else. But I don't want to lose you or MD or SWeither. I understand that my work with DO is decreasing and probably ending as it is with Accu. But that doesn't mean they are out of my life (I guess, I am working on understanding that and really do not even want to look at that - it causes too much confusion). But it means (i think) less people talking about me (i hope) which is good.

Still I don't think I have adequately explained how big an issue it is to me to have others discuss me - I'm trying....
-that is one of the first things i was taught as a kid - don't talk about others if they are not present.
-mom always told dad everything, then i usually got severly spanked and grounded for it.
-dad always told mom and grandma everything and had them police me on my groundings - grandma took it upon herself to be my personal Gestapo
-dad always used family, friends, relatives, neighbors, church goers, boy friends, dr's and other people in the community to get info about me and use it against me.
-dad called my teachers all the way from grade school through high school, even got me in trouble several times with my teachers for it, even called camps i was at, called a traveling group i was in for a year (came in 2nd of "Parents who call the most" in a cast of 150 students), was even going to call my college professors -so i refused to give him any names!!!!
- dad ALWAYS knew what I was going to do or try to do before I could do it - often even before I thought of it, or the fricking day i thought of it, even when i didn't live in the same god-dammed State.
-dad would then take on whatever i did and make it his own or an "us thing" until i gave it up.
-dad was my "planner" and made my schedule, my life, my apnts, told me who to see, where and when to go.
-dad made himself my vocal coach, stage coach, life coach... said he was going to be my manager in my performance life on the road.
-now mom, i can't go anywhere without telling her where i am going, when i will be back, who it will be with, and what i will be doing. i have to call if i am not back when i say i will be (i'm 31!!).
-if mom forgets where i have gone (for the umpteenth time) she will call to find out if i am still alive or dead on the side of the road somewhere. now days, when i come home and she says "Is that you?" I say "NO!" "Are you alive?" (when calling)... "nope - I'm dead, Jim".
I ... I... just never have any PEACE, any SPACE... it's like the whole friggin world knows my life! I'm not saying the world revolves around me. It's like I'm Atlas, pushing the world away!! No - just kidding. Things are a lot more peaceful now with dad out of my life. Though I'm still never sure he's really gone. He even found the WA. Girl Scout camp online (that's not supposed to be online for safety reasons) and told me he was coming to visit me. He didn't ask - he just stated. Thankfully, he didn't come. Which is good cuz I told the Camp Dir. to not let him in if he did. Heh. But he was lawless - he was a law unto himself.

I am having to face that originally with every single therapist I have worked with, I have said "I have no idea what I am doing or why I am here, I just know that I need to be here - you take control." And now, that I am in that exact situation, i am FREAKING out about it. Oh the irony. Maybe I just didn't have any ideas about control back then and do now. Maybe i just have more clarity now. I still don't often know what I need or how to obtain it - only that I am constantly irritable and anxious during the week between all my various sessions, been contemplating quitting the clinic for 2 months now (the inner voices staging a rally), and starting to do a lot of negative thinking before each various appointment (ok so more like the last month).

I just didn't have the clarity of WHY it was upsetting me so much. That it is like re-creating the life system I was raised in and still trying to break free from.

Then i curse myself/selves for being argumentative with my various medical team ( I don't know that I can change that one, heh) which is why i always want to apologize to everyone for having to put up with me.

Group leader, bless him, at the end of today said, "I care and I want to go to your team and say "Kiya's having a hard time with this" but that is exactly what you don't want, so I'm going to stand back and let you do it (and I hope you will)."

OK........ sorry it is another foot-long email. @_@ but it took me a really long time to put that together and into words where I could explain it. I still don't know what to do about it. But I am going to work on being calm.... Breathing.....
(i'm sorry!!!)
kiya

((((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))

Good for you. Your history CLEARLY shows why it feels so creepy to have people talking about you...I would have a hard time with that too. In fact, T and Teacher T have consulted about me (and now I think it's an ongoing thing) and Teacher T is consulting HER teacher about me, and it DOES feel in a weird way kind of like a violation....even though they've asked my permission, and I've given it, and I know the ultimate goal is to HELP me, not hurt me or gossip about me or keep tabs on me or whatever.

For me, it helps to know what was said - if T and Teacher T talk about me, and tell me what they said, it's a lot less scary - because it's usually something really mundane like Teacher T telling T "I'm going to work with earthmama on grounding" or whatever. Not my deep, dark secrets being thrown around.

Maybe it would help to talk to T about WHAT exactly is discussed? Sort of so you are in on the process and not having to guess in your own mind what they are saying (which is almost certainly worse and more scary than what is actually said!).

I am proud of you for taking a risk, and T will be too. I think you and I have discovered together that taking risks is the only way we'll heal and grow.

Maybe while you are in the waiting period of knowing T has read this but not knowing what her response will be, you can focus on the thanksgiving dinner you shared at the clinic, and the feelings that gave you. This scary stuff is real, but THAT was real too, and it was good.

Thinking of you...

(((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))

Good for you for letting your T know how you feel about the situation, that is a big step towards healing. I have found that after taking a risk I feel so much better once it is over, either you will be able to resolve the problem or gain a new understanding of the issue at hand.
I can really see why this situation is bothering you, I don't think I would like being a part of a clinic like that, the process would really get to me.

Good work Kiya! You saw how this stuff at the clinic was bothering you because it was mirroring your past life situation! Very good!

You go girl

I think T has tried to tell me that it is stuff like that. But also, and maybe because T is the Clinical Dir., my other dr's tell her when I had a hard time too - like if i panic with accu. or switch with the Osteo - they go and tell her and MD. Like I saw the DO (osteo) early one day, switched, and then saw T that same night - and she already knew about it and talked with MD about it. When I found that out, I think i started hyperventlating. It is just too similiar. I have asked T to tell me point blank what they talked about - and she doesn't. She talks around it. It is ironic because T and I have talked about this literally for weeks - usually starting off with this topic each week, sometimes it takes the whole session. It irritates me SO much!!! I finally told her I didn't want to talk about it again!! Heh - and last week, we didn't, even though I'd sent her yet another email about it. LOL. Now here I am bringing it up again. But you're right - we are both learning that risk taking is a big part of healing - and really I am learning that from watching you, sunrise, pink, and Miss C. constantly take risks.

Naturally, I feel bad for T about it, but I know T knows that this is all part of the theraputic process. If the client doesn't risk, the situation doesn't change, and then the many layers beneath the surface do not get visited. It took me how many months to finally see why it uspets me so much - that it is just like my unhealthy family. The root cause has been found.

yeah - a very good point. it is so easy to think anything good was a dream and POOF it dissapears while I hang on to the scary and bad stuff. Thank you for reminding me that Thanksgiving at the clinic was real. i REALLY needed that.

((((((((Coconut, Sannah, Gimmeice))))))))))))
yeah - it is scary to take a risk - but T always tells me not to just sit on things that are bothering me. She tells me "we have a relationship and I trust that if there is something upsetting you, you'll tell me, and I'll do the same." Hard to do.... but good growth. thank you for the support!!!!!

has your T ever told you that something was upsetting her?!

Hahahaha NO! *grin*

Kiya,

I totally get what you mean about the sharing of information and how that can feel intrusive and repeat a pattern of a boundary-less childhood. I grew up in a family without boundaries and learned to hide as a result. I don't know if this will help but now I think of T and p-doc as part of my "team." The team includes me, T, H, SIL, pdoc. The other day, T and I shared a smile about this whole idea of a team. But in fact, it makes me feel held and safe because I know these people all really care a lot about me.

For me, the challenge is differentiating--knowing that my team does not include any members of my family of origin. That is hard and I am very careful not to slip up and speak about my therapy to my sister because I don't want to spoil things.

I imagine this is hard for you because you are still living with your mom.

We are with you girl, keep up the good work. The best part of your post is that you were able to articulate all of this!!!!! Way to go.

((((((((((KIya))))))))))

Hey... yeah, i know they do refer to it as being my care team. i wish it made me feel safe. =( I keep telling T that maybe one day i will get used to it. I've not heard back from T on this yet (not that I really expected to with Turkey Day today). I even missed my Dr apnt on wed (my head hasn't been with me) where I fully expected some "fallout" from that email to have reached the Osteopath. Almost feels like waiting for wed next week is like returning to a nuclear disaster waiting to happen. This is where I really have to work on trust - trusting "our relationship".
*breathing.... biting nails*
ty (((((((((((miss)))))))))

Kiya, you have done a clear and thorough job describing why the "no confidentiality" policy in your clinic is problematic for you. I hope your T will read your message thoughtfully and have some ideas for how to solve this problem. I like how your group therapy leader was able to respect your wishes and not share his thoughts about you with the other team members. That shows he trusts you to tell them what's important. Maybe other team members could adopt his behavior, at least some of the time.

Kiya, your situation reminded me somewhat of my own. When I first began with my T, I had confidentiality. When I began the divorce, which uses a team model, and T was the coach, I had to waive confidentiality. It is a mandatory rule that the team members share information about the clients with each other. I had a really hard time with this because all of a sudden, I had no confidentiality! I became more circumspect in therapy, because I never knew if T was just being my therapist and so I had confidentiality, or if he was being my coach and would go blab to everyone. It was some rocky times. Once I was accidentally sent some emails exchanged between the team about me and I practically hit the ceiling when I read what they wrote, which to me, showed misinterpretation of my words, a belittling of me, and misattribution of motive. All my worst fears. I almost lost my lawyer over this. I have learned to work within these less than desirable conditions in several ways. If there is really something I don't want shared with the others, I will say to T, "don't tell that to anyone," or even ask in advance, "I'll tell you this only if you promise you will not tell anyone else." He has always agreed. But I have to specifically ask for confidentiality for a limited topic. Sometimes he will communicate about me to the other team members by email and if I am present and he needs to do this, he will compose the message while I am there and then read it to me before he sends it. I am given the chance to "correct" and edit it. While I hate wasting my time on this c**p in my therapy session, it does help make me feel more in control and give greater transparency to what is happening. As time passed, I became more familiar with how the system worked, and actually have used it a number of times to my advantage to send my own "messages" to people. I have used T this way and my lawyer too, unbeknownst to either of them. I feel it's my "revenge" for having to put up with no confidentiality. What I do is say something to one of my team members that I want others on the team to know about but don't want them to hear from me directly. Plus I want it filtered through the lens of the person I am telling. I essentially use the person I tell as a message carrier. Sure enough, when next I see the other team member(s), I discover by their "knowledge" that they have received my "message." I always give a little smile when this happens as it makes me feel like I am in control and able to use this system that I hate to my advantage. When my divorce is over, T has promised me we will tear up the no confidentiality agreement so I can feel completely safe again.

Kiya, I hope that your team's integrative model is flexible enough to accommodate individual client needs. I think you have very valid concerns and your request is not unreasonable. I hope they can come up with some solutions or compromises that work for you. You might also ask yourself if there is any way you can use the system to your own advantage.

((((((((((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))) Good response! I was thinking you were in kind of a similar situation with your team.

I love how you have "used" it to your advantage. Way to take back your power

(((((((((Kiya))))))))))))),
It is so good that you are able to articulate how you feel! About your upcoming return to an awaited nuclear disaster, I bought this just for you:


You'll be safe and I'm sure you'll look great in yellow!

I'm really glad you wrote this thread! MissC's statement that your situation is like reliving a boundary-less childhood was very enlightening. I also HATE when other people know things about me, but, ironically, I often tell people TOO much information. Then, I feel so vulnerable afterwards. I suspect it is a reenactment of some sort but I so wish I could stop. Even thought I tell others information, I can't stand when other people tell other people my information. Until I met the consultant, I hated that my T was talking to her about me even though I signed the release form. When I met her, it made me feel so much better because she was very kind and empathic. I call my "team" -- my circle. I always have at least three people in my circle, usually all authority figures that I idealize. Now I have T and a person who is the behavioral specialist at my school. Pdoc was the third until he left. Now I've put the consultant in his place. The people in my circle now have the following in common: they understand me (most of the time) and why I act like I do. They don't judge me. They forgive me for my mistakes. I got the circle idea from the Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, I'm the bearer of the ring but at least I carry three good things along with the rest of the burden, ha. My analogizing never stops.

Now, my T HAS told me when he was angry with me twice. The first time, as you know, was a NUCLEAR DISASTER! Unfortunately, I didn't have the suit above, I didn't foresee it coming so wasn't prepared. It was devastating and I still hate thinking about it to this day. It was toxic to say the least. The second time was difficult and I still remember it in images but I was able to get over it moreso than I was the first disclosure of anger. I was angry at my T for over three months for being angry at me. I guess I've made progress in tolerating anger and don't want any more practice.

So, you're taking a risk AND you missed a Dr.'s appointment? I can't imagine missing an appointment! You're so courageous! I hope the suit fits, be sure to wear it just in case. Wishing you the best!

Hey - how'd you know yellow is my color?! Wow, this suit is great! Thanks! I will be wearing it on wed. Yeah, I'm sure my missing the osteopath appointment will ALSO be known to everyone, too, and we'll have to talk about that since it's "not like me" (as the front desk lady told me) to miss them (little do they know! I have missed some T appointments in the past, but this clinic calls everyone the day before to remind them.... maybe if they hadn't woken me up when they called this time, I would have heard the time correctly- who calls before 9:30 am anyway?!).

Still have not heard a peep from T... makes me a little nervous. every time i open my email though my heart is in my throat. ah well. by wed it will be over (until the next session).
(((((((((((((((soli))))))))))))))))
kiya

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK
so that didn't go so hot.
hadn't seen T in 10 days or since i sent that email that started this thread. And let me tell ya.... OMG that was the hardest/worst session EVER.
I've never cried through the entire session. Not ever in 6 years of therapy... until tonight. She also kept over time 45 min @_@ because I swiched out through several alters (all crying) and going through every emotion in the book. so nearly 2 hours of crying... then you know, the processing on the way home, and for hours afterwards.
*breathing*

(((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))

Many big warm comforting thoughts for you.

You did really well, and you let a lot of hard feelings out.

((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))

What a session! I'm glad T was able to keep you for as long as you needed to be there....you (all of you) had a lot to work out.

I hope you got a good night's sleep and feel better today.

((((((((earthmama, spotted owl)))))))))) thank you for the hugs - we need them.
did get sleep - took a sleeping pill for that reason, which was good since it took quite a while to sleep. still keep churning all the thoughts, confusion, and various phrases through my mind. this is as close to a rupture as we have ever come. also, usually the system cries after the switch - when i am back - because it is auch a release of tension, fear.... it is really not usual for the alters to cry through the session.
that was really scary.

(((Kiya))))
I would have trouble with people collaborating on my care... but then again it might improve it. Sounds like you are communicating your concerns well.

I got the impression today that T and Teacher T are still talking about me. I had told T in a teasing way how much better Teacher T is about e-mail. And I said to her today, "I love e-mailing with you, your replies are so helpful" and she laughed and said "Yeah, T was giving me a hard time about that, he said I was making him look bad".

When I see T I am going to ask how often they DO talk about me. Somehow I feel like I'm coming up in casual conversation?! It's weird - my relationship with T feels different since starting with Teacher T...more "friend"-like...I wonder if it's because THEY are friends and I've been thrown into the mix, and my relationship with Teacher T isn't a normal therapy relationship, and it's making T think of me differently in some way?! I'm confusing myself. And hijacking.

But it IS odd to know the people involved in my care are talking about me. I guess that's where I'm going with this.

I'm glad you got some sleep after all of that, Kiya!!

THat is the theory - that it provides better care. I, too, thought I was communicating well... but I still can't figure T's take on it. If i offended her or what... makes me nervous.

You're not hijacking at all - it always makes me process more when ppl say their stuff. I prefer it when ppl respond with how it relates to them.

Yeah, the comments did make me wonder if i was coming up in casual convo. but I guess more to the point (from the discussion last night) it is that all they have is cas. convo. in the hall in passing or something - it's not a sit down discussion (from what I can understand) but more of seeing them for a sec and going "oh hey - Kiya panicked in session today - how can I help her do better?" then t has to say why touch causes me painc (in as little detail as poss). Or i tell T i didn't remember to take meds or an alter drank and she rats me out to MD... I mean... she *ahem* explains to MD.

I had sent out an email asking if we are ok. And i did get a response - though not exactly what I wanted somehow. I think it was a very small place asking that and the response was very adult. It was a bit like having cold water splashed in the face. Still, an answer. Just shocking when it doesn't come in the way one hopes.