radom junk

Do you feel more comfortable in session or outside of therapy?

I'm still terribly uncomfortable a lot, even after all this time, almost 2 years. It's the one-on-one thing, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

I cannot be myself, whoever that is. I am stoic, just as she said. I am so nonreactive that we might as well be using flashcards.

I hold back, I contain any reactions, I feel everything we talk about is a judgement and I feel enormous shame. Just for being.

I think she'd be delighted for me to be angry with her, and she'll ask if something that has happened between us made me feel angry, disappointed, etc. I asked her why she keeps wanting to make me out to be angry! Maybe angry would be better, more interesting, less agonizingly boring than the non-reacting, holding in, holding back. When I actually did get angry, not long after asking why she was making me out to be angry, and after session I called her, ticked, and congratulated her. It was really a rude call and I was so embarrassed by it. How could I treat someone like that who's been so good to me

Last night we talked about holding back in session and suffering after with the flood of feelings. Not judging it, but noticing it and talking about how that's the way I learned to get by. We're going to talk a lot more about it. I am almost afraid to hope that I might become a spontaneous person, especially in session.

(But she is curious, "fascinated" about my fantasies and I'm not sharing )

It's exciting and panic inducing at the same time. But I want *so* much to be able to be myself, to feel comfortable, to laugh and cry, to feel freely and not have that feel so vulnerable that I have to retreat. I want that in therapy and out, but I really want it in therapy. I'm tired of hiding.

2 weeks ago I changed where I sit in the room and it seems to be somewhat symbolic. I no longer sit on the couch that is low to the ground, presumably for children. From my chair I sit in now, I don't have to look at the shelves full of children's toys. Although I sit next to the sand tray and a doll house, now I can see a beautiful picture of a garden in muted tones, a draped table with a lamp, and a potted plant. And T, lovely T, with the soft voice and hearty laugh.

Geez am I back to idealizing. lol

Echos, I can so relate. I have yet to get angry in therapy, she has never seen my anger. Part is due to having a really hard time letting her see the real me.
She asked me last week if I wanted to scream, I said no, you won't catch me doing that. She said do you want me to help you, I just laughed.

I don't even show anger outside of therapy. She thinks that perhaps I am afraid of it. I decided early on that I didn't want to act they way my step- dad did. She assures me that its ok to get angry that it can be expressed much differently than how it was portrayed to me growing up. I guess I am not comfortable with it.

Like you, I so want to be able to open up, to be free in a sense, whether it be showing my frustration or even my fears.

Ps....I definately feel more comfortable outside of session. There is something about being one on one and being asked to share deep things that gets to me, I hate attention being on me. In fact even outside of T, for instance when someone tells me they are sorry about my mom's death I say thank you and I change the subject rather quickly.

Hangingon

T has told me SO MANY TIMES that it's okay if I get angry at him. I feel like he WANTS me to get angry. I don't "do" anger that much in general - but like hangingon said, T tells me it's because I've only seen "unhealthy" anger, and that I can have angry feelings and express them and it can be okay.

I used to be very emotionless in therapy. Since mid-October, I've cried more than I've probably cried in my entire life combined up until now (which is still not much! lol). Things happened, the dam broke, and all of these tears have been unlocked. Before, I wasn't comfortable with emotions in OR out of the room.

We do laugh a lot in therapy. It's part of how we connect the best, I think.

Tonight I actually went IN to therapy crying, and came out laughing. Talk about hitting the entire range of feelings!

I don't know where all of this came from...I think a few things came together that just pushed me over the edge - and then once the tears started, there they were. I was HORRIFIED the first few times I cried in therapy. Tonight I only apologized once for crying. Progress?

You will get there. Believe me, if I got there, you will too. Trust your T, trust the process, trust yourself. I never thought these feelings would be unlocked, but slowly but surely, here they come....

When I read this, part of me wants this too. This is intimacy correct? I think I am getting closer to achieving this outside of therapy...but I think what is going on in therapy is influencing that.

I am proud of you for changing your seat in therapy...Did your T comment on it? I'm still in the same spot on the ugly couch that I plopped in the first freaken day. How sad is that?

oh yes...i'm so much more comfortable outside of session. today she asked me if being there and holding back reminded me of anything, and i said no. I mean what could possibly be related to sitting in a therapy session? i have no idea! I desperately want to be able to go in there and feel 100% comfortable and open, but I also believe I can't do it---how can I if I don't know what is holding me back?

I know that I am struggling with the fact taht I have nothing worthy to say. She knows my life story which is pretty benign, and yet I'm still sitting there. Why? What more is there to say? I know I avoid my lack of relationships, but BECAUSE it is a lack of relationships, what is there to say?

I get scared that if I get angry then it will give him a reason / excuse to dump me :-(

I got angry at a therapist once because she made me angry with her going on about why I don't express anger so much...

I feel hyper-self-conscious in therapy. Like I'm under the spotlight. Like he is reaching into me somehow and so very sensitive and attuned to my every muscle twitch or flinch or tension. It feels... Invasive. I monitor myself carefully (numbing mostly). Allow gentle bits through sometimes - just so he doesn't know (or doesn't ask me about it or feel too badly about it). But it feels excruciating for me much of the time.

I wish he wouldn't look at me.

Thats why you don't make eye contact with them! I only look at her when she is talking, or I've been sitting in silence for a bit and look at her and kinda shrug like "yeah..."

yeah. if he looks away or is busy with something else then i'll sneak peeks. but looking is the last thing you want to do when you feel under the spotlight already. i think i'm pretty good with the numbing... just comes across as a background tension / anxiety. i figure he doesn't know i can be any different from that so...

I know how that is too. I was totally hidden for a year. Then we had a big disconnect... I was in tremendous pain and anger for two weeks and when I saw her again, what I had intended to be a rational statement turned into a trigger and I really blew my top - the anger came out with thunder and lightning - in my mind's eye she shrank into a corner but at least I'm certain that she wasn't bored, ha ha.

Actually, after that it became easier for me to open up. Since she has now gotten a glimpse of the monster lurking within, why not.

One of the things I like best about PC is reading others' posts about their feelings and experiences. As much as I run and hide from myself, it makes me feel better when I see others in the same boat as me. Sorry if it sounds like 'I like your misery', it's not that, it's a sense of I'm not alone.

I wish I had the power to make us all better and not hurt, but I don't. So for now I'll take my comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

Hugs from Angel

chaotic, I think did say something about my seat change, but I can't remember because I said to her "Do you know how sick I am of looking at those toys?" said what I intended as matter-of-factly, but came out kind of strong. She said, "Well... I do now that you've told me".... lol.

Nervous babbling. Poor T.

Speaking about the toys...I am so very hyper-vigilant and sensitive that the slightest change in Ts office sends me into high anxiety. Even seating changes make me feel like danger is imminent. A few weeks ago, I started to walk into Ts office for a session and a small plant was gone. I said "where's the plant" as I froze in the door way. She said she took it home for some extra TLC. But the missing plant set the tone for the entire session; I was so anxious the slightest noise made me jump.

So...for me looking at the same old stuff is comforting.

Angel