How to Define a "Relationship"

I am having a problem trying to understand what a relationship is. When I think about the way I define a relationship, my first gut level reaction would be to say that I don't have any relationships, except with my husband. I would not count my interactions with my neighbors, coworkers, or other acquaintances as relationships. In fact, I've been with my t for 10 years and i still don't feel like we have a relationship. It feels like something I want badly but cannot attain. The same is true in everyday life. I interact with others at work, in the congregation, etc., but they don't feel like relationships. I guess that because my relationships are not the way i think a relationship should be, then I don't count them as relationships.

For me to think of something as a relationship, there has to be a real sense of connection on both sides. I would have to feel comfortable to be myself and not afraid of being rejected or abandoned. To have a relationship with somebody means that I really like that person, and vice versa. Thinking about them would make me smile and bring a warm good feeling in my heart. I would want that person in my life. Having a relationship with a person would have the capacity to bring me more joy than my interactions with other people, but would also have the capacity to bring more pain, because there would be an attachment. In a relationship, the people would not feel like they had to pretend to be something they were not. They would truly like the other person for who they are inside. If I had a relationship with a person, I would grieve and miss them terribly if they died or the relationship ended.

I guess this is why I don't feel that I have any relationships. Although I very much want to be able to feel genuine closeness and warmth with others, I am too emotionally guarded to let them close to my heart. I am afraid to reveal my deeper thoughts and feelings or inner self to others. I feel so vulnerable if I do, like a turtle without a shell who could be so easily crushed. When people hug me in daily life, I think it is nice, but I have a sort of numbness. It's like the good emotional warmth being offered cannot penetrate into my heart because there is some shield up. in. Even when people say care about me, I can't feel it inside. Since I cannot feel that sense of warmth and connection, it feels like it is simply no there.

At times when I am able to feel a sense of connection with others (like brief times with my t), although it feels wonderful for a few seconds or minutes, a sense of numbness or fear sets in shortly afterward, and I lose the feeling. Without being able to sustain that good warm feeling with my t or with others, it doesn't feel like a relationship. Deep inside, I know I want and need connection with others. But on some subconscious level, I am terrified of allowing a bond to form with anyone. I feel like I am a prisoner and am holding myself captive. I am trying to protect myself from hurt because I've been hurt in relationships so many times in the past. Now I do not know if it is even *possible* to have a relationship with somebody again. So like I said, I've been in therapy 10 years but still feel like I am "trying" to have a relationship with my therapist. The reason I say this is because on some level, a part of me is still fearful of her, fearful of rejection or abandonment, fearful of letting myself trust or feel close.

My husband says that what I want in a relationship is unattainable. He says I want something deep and lasting, and that other people are not like me. He says relationships should be fun and light, that people just want to have fun and not get into any deep discussions or share on an intimate level. He says that people could look a lifetime trying to find a relationship like this and never find it.

Other people define a "relationship" as just two people who know each other in a superficial way, including neighbors, workmates, and acquaintances, even people with whom they regularly conduct business.

Is my definition of relationship wrong? Can somebody help me understand this?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I desperately yearn for something more meaningful than just superficiality with others. But I feel stuck in superficiality. It's the only way I can seem to be with people because it is just too scary to be any other way. This makes me feel so sad and isolated. But I don't know how to trust people enough to let them in. I am sure that many people who know me would say they have a relationship with me and perhaps even count me as a friend. But it is based on so little. If I only show them 1/10 of myself, and hide the other 9/10, how could we have a relationship or be friends? In reality, they only like what they know. They believe that what they see is "it," that they see and understand me. But it's such a small part. I can't count on anybody truly caring about me or liking me if it is based on such a small part of who I really am.

maybe because t was so kind in trying to connect with my hurt and finally holding my hand. . .now i am feeling scared. scared to feel close. scared to be vulnerable and take a chance for fear of getting hurt down the road. what i want so much scares me. i am afraid of what i need.

Hum. What a tough question!

I think there are different kinds of relationships. I have some friends that I see a lot, but that I only know a little bit about and who only know a little bit about me. We are in a band together, and our kids are friends, and we have fun. I consider our friendship a relationship, but sort of a light-hearted one, like your husband was talking about.

I have other friends that I have a much deeper relationship with. My best friend knows me so deeply - knows my secrets, knows my feelings, can tell by the sound in my voice if I am having a good day or a bad day (even though my voice always sounds the same to me). We have similar life experiences, similar histories, and just understand each other on a really, really deep level. I probably have a deeper and closer relationship with her than almost anyone else in the world.

My relationship with my H is growing and deepening. We got married young, and have been married for 16 years, but I had my heart closed off for almost all of those years, fearful of being hurt. Gradually, with T, my heart is opening a bit, and our relationship is getting deeper. It's a little scary, and a slow process. He doesn't "get" me the way my best friend does, but I am starting to believe that he does love me, and I'm starting to let the love in.

I have other friends that I am close to on various levels. Some of them know some of my secrets. They are people who are interested in spiritual things, and deeper matters of the heart, and WANT to know people on that deeper level. I think that's part of they key...understanding where the other person is at in terms of how much they want to "know" and how deep the relationship can get.

My deepest relationship is probably with T. And his unconditional love and acceptance of me has opened my heart a bit to relationships with other people.

There is risk in relationships. But for me, the more I take the risks, the more I am rewarded. It is scary to show our "real" selves to people. I certainly don't go around telling my history to just anyone....but over time, I have found some true friends who can know the whole me and it can be okay and healing.

This board has been really good relationship practice for me. I can be honest and true, without the fear of running into someone in the grocery store or whatever. And then when people here are loving and accepting, it makes me feel a little safer with my relationships in real life.

(((((((((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))))) What a great question.

Peaches,

I don't think you are wrong. It sounds like you are yearning and longing for an intimacy that maybe you never had. I feel like this goes back to our discussions about attachment. It sounds like you are very attached to T and are now willing to risk more intimacy in that attachment. That is beautiful. The fact that it took 10 years is also beautiful, so don't judge yourself harshly. It gives me hope!

I agree with earthmama. There are many different types of relationships.

Like you, I am also wishing for more intimate relationships. I think that's because we find ourselves in those relationships. It's part of our journey now to find them. Sigh.

Peaches, I love your definition of a relationship! This is how I have close relationships. (Your posts were so clear and expressed so well!) Your question was how do you move forward to get what you want. You discussed the fear of intimacy. I had to work past this. For me it involved all that you talked about. Learning to trust, getting beyond the fear of getting hurt....... But for me also, I had to learn how to protect myself. None of us here were taught how to protect ourselves. If you can learn how to protect yourself then getting close isn't as scary because you are no longer powerless. How do you protect yourself? You need to know what you need so that you can stand up for yourself when you aren't getting it or it is being taken away. You have to feel that you have the right to protect yourself. You have to be able to set boundaries and tell people no.

Getting close also involves feeling good about yourself. If you feel that you are bad you certainly don't want anyone close enough to see this badness. If you change this and feel that you are good then it is okay for others to get close and see who you really are.

I really like this comment from sannah Peaches...there is great sense to it..

In my program we have a saying about ourselves..it says we suffer from "Terminal Uniqueness".

Those two words describe a picture of oneself that simply puts humanity outside and us, with our specialness at the cneter of the universe. This universe seldom encourages envy,,as it is filled with self loathing, remorse and regret.

For me to have begun the long trek of joining humanity, I had to feel some sense of sameness. To understand that what I felt was felt by everyone, what I feared was universal and that my dreams though unique to me were dreams of the ages. And so weren't my sins.

To be a part of rather than apart from was a lessen in humility and acceptance. It has taken years for these chasms to thin,,where I can now at least see the other side. I am now more alike than different and because of this increased familarity I am less judgemental and fearfull of those I thought were different than me. I am accepting me,,,thus you...

This has been part of my experience and in no way does it paint you...

I just thought I would share my struggle.

With Care,

Lenny

Thanks, everybody, for your replies.

Earthmama
You helped me realize that relationships can be at different levels, and perhaps I've been to restrictive in classifying a relationship as only those that are soul-deep.

Miss Charlotte,
I agree with you, that what is prompting this is probably some unresolved attachment issues. . .that longing for the sort of connection I never had. Thank you for making me feel that what I want with t is not bad or wrong.

Sannah,
You hit the nail on the head by mentioning protection. I've made so many bad choices in the past about who to trust, and now, I don't trust my intuitions about who is trustworthy and safe to expose my vulnerable side to. What happened with my last close friend has really damaged my trust, and made it nearly impossible to trust t or anyone else since then. I should write about what happened with my friend in a different thread, as that it a whole different story. But it is so tied in with the subject of attachment, trust, and abandonment.

Lenny,
I think that I do often feel unique -- not in the sense of being special or better, no far from that -- but in the way that I feel my emotions. For years, I thought that everybody felt their feelings as strongly as I do. But I have learned that most of them do not. I think I learned early on as a child to keep my thoughts and emotions to myself because my mom would always minimize them ("There's nothing to worry about") and my dad would criticize them ("That's a stupid way to feel.") And even as an adult, I witness others saying and doing things that to me seem cruel and unfeeling (making fun of handicapped people, gossipping meanly). And many of them do not like to talk about deep stuff and like their friendships casual, not really wanting to talk about anything deep or get to know the "inside person. My husband says that most other people are not like I am and that I could go a lifetime trying to find the kind of relationship I want with others. I also took the Myers-Briggs personality test, which said I'm an INFJ, the rarest personality type (only 1% of people are in that category). So, yes, I DO feel different. It makes me sad because in some ways I feel isolated, thinking that nobody will really ever know who I am, and vice versa. I want to feel connected to the human race and I really like people. But lately, it's the ways that I am "different" that stand out to me.

Also, I do admit that self-hate plays into my isolation. There is a feeling that deep down, I am a bad person who needs to hide my truest self. . .even though when I try to figure out why I am bad, I can't think of any reason. But it's just something that I feel. And I am afraid that if people really knew me, they would not like me. I'm afraid they only like the surface me.

Peaches, I love the type of person who you are! You all are the gems! Diamonds are expensive because they are not plentiful. They are very valuable though and beautiful......

Shallower people cannot appreciate deeper people. I guess it probably seems annoying but deeper people get annoyed by shallow people too. It isn't a death sentence. It's okay..........

Concerning the issue with that person that you couldn't trust in the end. Well, you probably learned from that. Getting better is trial and error...........

with respect, Lenny (and I don't know what your program is), this strikes me more than a little like blaming the victim.

Those who have trauma in their past, whether a single event like an assault, or 15 years of child abuse, would give anything to feel part of humanity. It's not "special", it hurts a lot. A LOT!!!!! the universe has been proven to these people to be very different from what it should be: not safe. And other people not what they were taught other people should be; not safe - not even their own parents sometimes. And themselves not as they'd been taught they "should be"; not self determiniing, but helpless in the face of violence, whether to body or feelings or both.

With the passage of time, and good therapy, the universe and people MAY begin to resume some kind of normalcy; but as far as it being a matter of the victim deciding that they are not "special", that the universe doesn't revolve around them - sorry, no sale.

I am not trying to sell anything...my last two sentences in my post were carefully and genuinely expressed.

My program is AA. My disease can be trama based. I was a victim and used alcohol as a means of running/hiding. As I said, I thought I was unique,,not necessaily special. No one understood kind of unique. I was wrong...Millions upon millions of people understood.

In the end for me,,it was get busy living or get busy dying. That meant letting go of the trama however I could. Not to forget it,,but to stop letting it define me..

Lenny

Lenny wrote >>> As I said, I thought I was unique,,not necessaily special.

well you used the word "specialness"; that's what I take issue with (note: not with you personally).

I have seen this same thing said elsewhere; that the traumatized person "feels special" - wow what a mismatch of an expression. For the traumatized person, normalcy is something to be dreamed of.

What an insightful post! I hear that you are craving intimacy but as your husband said, most relationships do not have that kind of closeness.

I heard someone say that we are not afraid of being hurt. We are afraid that we will not be able to come to our own defense when we are hurt, therefore getting hurt twice simultaneously. We need to heal from letting ourself down.

Quote from peaches another posters comment

Hi Peaches,
I"d like to hear your story of what happened to you. I see your working real hard even though your head and your heart have been bashed by a two by four from who was close to your heart

It hurts no way around it and yes for goodness sakes Don't let the "chumps" define you . good advice.

Patricia.