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#1
Feb 09, 2009, 07:43 PM
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In session with my T last week I finally shared my first memory of abuse. It was horrible, I could hardley get it out, there was lots of silence. I couldn't add the details, just basics. I ended up feeling so sick and had the worst headache. I was completely drained.
I think she could tell because she asked me if I needed her to bring me back. Then we laid off the convo and started talking about something else. Well, I went home and I was ok after a little while. But two days later I was spiraling and was not sure why, it came out of nowhere. To the point that I emailed her, (because I don't have the nerve to call her). I told her that I really need to talk about something light for awhile until I get settled into this semester of school, as the semester just started. I am doing pscyh clinicals this semester and emotionally, I need to be the best I can to help the patients. She responded to my email with a 24/7 hotline number and told me that I could call her the next day and talk, (that I didn't do). She also told me that we could talk about whatever we wanted this week. My question is, is it normal to spiral after sharing about childhood SA? I have never really shared this info with people. Two days after doing so, I felt fearful and anxious for no reason that I know of. It was a feeling that I was not very comfortable with, and the thoughts that came with it were not enjoyable , I didn't want to share those unpleasant thoughts with my T either.
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Hangingon When you feel your nearing the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on !!! |
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#2
Feb 09, 2009, 07:52 PM
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While I was not SA, I can say that I had a very similar experience when I first opened up about incidents of physical abuse. Talking about it uncovered a lot of the shame and fear and anger that had been buried in me. I would feel totally raw afterwards, so I did a lot of what you've suggested to your T--a week or two of heavy stuff, a week or two of lighter stuff. Trust your instincts on the appropriate pace for YOU.
You're brave to have discussed this with your T! You are making good progress. |
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#3
Feb 09, 2009, 08:51 PM
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hangingon, your experience has also been normal for me as well. it takes a lot of time to get into that stuff and stay at it. I pretty much will say one such thing, then not again for 6 months... then another.... 6 month reprieve.... it's just too much. like it takes that much time (or what ever time it is for each) to forget how talking about it went the first time, and try it again....
BTW, i love the kitty icon you have as your avitar - looks just like my whiskery meow when he was a wee beast >^_^<
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image.   alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#4
Feb 09, 2009, 09:10 PM
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I went spiraling too after disclosing SA. My T pulled back because of it and it took what seemed like forever to get through it. Try to stay with it if you can and let your T help you regulate the emotions. I found that I needed to be able to call my T in between sessions for a brief period.
I wish that it was not so hard for you. |
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#5
Feb 09, 2009, 09:46 PM
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Hanginon,
I give you a lot of credit for being able to share but also for being aware of what your limits are in that respect. I too have experienced disclosing difficult information regarding abuse. It's not easy first to tell someone but also to deal with the emotions that come flooding to the surface, which is often so much harder. It's ok not to talk in depth about it if you can't right now, you will eventually. Keep reaching out when you need to. 
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#6
Feb 09, 2009, 09:49 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Yes, sharing the worst stuff sends me spiraling, for sure. It is scary to talk, especially at first, when we haven't done it before. I thought on some level I would die if I told. It's so hard, and you were SO BRAVE to tell. If you need to take a break from talking about it so you can pull yourself together for your new semester, that is okay. When it is time, you will talk a little more. My stories have all been told in bits and pieces over long stretches of time with big breaks. That's the only way I can do it. Take good care of you. You deserve it. And know that you can call T if you need to....
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#7
Feb 10, 2009, 07:08 AM
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Quote:
I'm not sure what all of you mean by "spiraling", but there is something I go through after I disclose something deep. It's horrible - but fortunately I seem to forget later that it happened otherwise I'd never open my mouth again. be brave, keep going ....
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#8
Feb 10, 2009, 09:20 AM
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Hangingon,
YES, I also experience the spiral. Even if I seem in control at the time I disclose the abuse, the spiral hits me a day or two later. Even though it feels awful, I think it's part of the process. By sharing, we're opening up the door to things that were painful and scary to go through. The painful feelings connected with those bad experiences also sometimes come out after disclosing. You might feel the painful emotions you had at the time the abuse happened, or you might just feel an overall feeling of being depressed or anxious. Your t can help you cope with these feelings. Also, as others have said, it might help to discuss the abuse intermittently, in little bits, with your t. And when you start to feel too overwhelmed, back off a bit and discuss other things until you feel rerooted and stable again. |
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#9
Feb 10, 2009, 02:02 PM
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[quote=earthmama;942038
Yes, sharing the worst stuff sends me spiraling, for sure. It is scary to talk, especially at first, when we haven't done it before. I thought on some level I would die if I told. It's so hard, and you were SO BRAVE to tell. [/quote] Yes! This exactly! I will even say aloud "I am afraid I will die". The feeling is so deep and so severe after I feel as though I am super aware to ward off attack...For me the 'spiral' is a part of that... ((((((((((((hanginon))))))))))))) Go at the pace you need. Give the details you can. Take care of yourself. ~Searching
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#10
Feb 10, 2009, 02:22 PM
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Thank you all for your shared experience and advise.
It was scary and makes me not even want to go back. Im glad that she is allowing me to talk about whatever I want tomorrow. I have no idea what happened. I have always been the type to be in control of everything that I possibly can. When I say spiraling, I mean I felt sort of out of control, I had to do a lot of self talking. The problem is, it hasn't been like that for so long and my first thoughts were, I can not go back to how I was. I just can't go through that fear and anxiety again. It was trecherous. I am trying to figure out why this happened; perhaps I just had too much going on at once, class just starting, psych at that, including clinicals, new relationship, then sharing something I had never shared with my T. I am hoping thats all it was. I think I just need to take this slow, I want to deal with it but I also need to keep myself together to get through my last 10 months of school. That in itself involves a large amount of stress. I just hate this, I hate being an adult and feeling like a child at times. I try so hard to intellectualize everything; I know there are some things that I just need to ride out but I usually end up attacking myself instead about how stupid it is because I am an adult and shouldn't be letting this bother me. Ugh....sometimes I so wish I never opened up...
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Hangingon When you feel your nearing the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on !!! |
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#11
Feb 10, 2009, 03:19 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( hangingon ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hope things settle down for you very soon.
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#12
Feb 10, 2009, 06:05 PM
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yeah, school is a lot to get thru on its own w/o the added clients =) i am (attempting) my own work now.... it does pile up. Wishing you peace
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#13
Feb 10, 2009, 06:18 PM
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Quote:
I hope things calm down for you and im glad your T is going to let you lead the way in what you want to talk about - sorry for long answer P7
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#14
Feb 10, 2009, 07:39 PM
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Thanks, kiya, sittingatwatersedge, and phoenix.....
The hard part is, as a little child I don't remember feeling out of control because I only remember things right to the point they were about to happen and then the memories are gone. I do remember fear when they were about to happen and I knew something was wrong. I can recall things said, going into the bathroom, person coming to my bed ect....but then, it's as if I blacked out, I don't remember what happened during or after. In talking about it, emotions are coming up that I can't really explain. I only have one memory from start to finish when I was a bit older. This makes it much more frustrating. I've had one memory surface since talking about the abuse but I haven't told my T about it yet. In the back of my mind there is this fear of more that will come up, things that I don't want to know. If that makes sense.
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Hangingon When you feel your nearing the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on !!! |
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#15
Feb 10, 2009, 07:48 PM
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it makes perfect sense - body memories and things that hover in the mist just out of reach can be painful and hard to deal with - half the time I want to remember everything just to get it over with and the rest of the time I dont want it back - because i dont think i could deal with it
- my old T once said to me - "we will face this together" that made me feel I could go there and survive - unfortunately those sessions ended before my memories came back - they stil mostly havnt - I hope you feel safe with your T - I hope that the memories come when T is there to support you either in person or by phone - email - whatever works most of all I hope you feel better soon P7
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#16
Feb 10, 2009, 07:56 PM
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 (((((hangingon))))))I can't imagine how difficult it must of been for you sharing this with T I don't have any great words of wisdom or advice, BUT i have...... LLT
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#17
Feb 11, 2009, 03:25 AM
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Many children who were abused were also warned not to tell or else....
 I was told that if I were to tell no one would ever want me. Others would know how nasty I really was and would be disgusted. Add to this the shame one feels about being abused and you have a potent recipe for fear and inability to tell or even hint at what happened. Finally until you have processed the past fully the poison is still there - lessened by sharing but still there ready to bite you in the tush. Don't let this stop you from sharing. . . . The more you share the more, your therapist shows that you are more than what was done to you, that you are valuable the easier it becomes to live with and healing sets in. Therapy is hard. Healing is hard but the end is worth the journey. Some days the journey is worth more than the end.
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dalila Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere. -Erma Bombeck |
 sittingatwatersedge
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#18
Feb 11, 2009, 07:30 AM
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I have come to the conclusion that it's all in there, just a matter of what we decide we will remember or not. And also, that "not wanting to know" is what hurts us - once whatever it is can be brought out into the light, we can see it with adult eyes and for what it is; if still left in the darkness it can throw a huge scary shadow that presents a much bigger size than the actual memory (keeping in mind that memory is of things that were, and are no more). Since I started with T, I have dragged out a few of these and no they sure weren't what you'd prefer to have around, but their power to hurt is less than it was.
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| phoenix7
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#19
Feb 11, 2009, 08:29 AM
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What I am learning is that as hard as it is I beat myself up anyway. I have started to finally talk about the feelings from childhood and at times I would rather eat glass then go through it; the truth is that they are just feelings, I hate them and want them to go away but the feelings have been there since early childhood when the abuse started and if I gave them a voice they are yelling to come out and be recognized. You are doing an amazing job in opening up and it sounds like your therapist is very responsive to your needs. I often feel like what is the point? Is it really going to help in the long run, talking about this and then experiencing the spiral? I decided that given how hard I have tried to avoid it it might be ok to talk and learn to deal with the "after effects". So...I know this is hard and I'm sorry that you are in so much pain but you can get through this. If you both think that taking it slower is a better idea then you should, but whatever you decide I hope you know that you are not alone in feeling that way; my therapist has told me that there is some freedom at the end of this, not having to make choices and feel horrible about myself. |
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#20
Feb 11, 2009, 08:31 AM
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Quote:
What I am learning is that as hard as it is I beat myself up anyway. I have started to finally talk about the feelings from childhood and at times I would rather eat glass then go through it; the truth is that they are just feelings, I hate them and want them to go away but the feelings have been there since early childhood when the abuse started and if I gave them a voice they are yelling to come out and be recognized. You are doing an amazing job in opening up and it sounds like your therapist is very responsive to your needs. I often feel like what is the point? Is it really going to help in the long run, talking about this and then experiencing the spiral? I decided that given how hard I have tried to avoid it it might be ok to talk and learn to deal with the "after effects". So...I know this is hard and I'm sorry that you are in so much pain but you can get through this. If you both think that taking it slower is a better idea then you should, but whatever you decide I hope you know that you are not alone in feeling that way; my therapist has told me that there is some freedom at the end of this, not having to make choices based on my past and feel so ashamed about who I am. |
| sittingatwatersedge
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#21
Feb 11, 2009, 04:17 PM
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I have learned in therapy that we can't keep everything inside forever. I tried that and it made me very sick (physically) and that's what finally led me to find a T. It is confusing when the things we are upset about happened years and years ago - but if we weren't able to process them then - to talk about them, to feel sad or angry or scared - then they are still sitting there waiting to be processed. It doesn't have anything to do with being an "adult". It has to do with wounds that haven't healed and that need to be treated with tender, loving care. It sounds like you know what you need - to be able to process things, but to be able to hold yourself together during these last 10 months of school. Talk about your T about how you can do both. Maybe you will need to move a little slower in therapy, or have extra sessions to deal with the big feelings that come up, or learn some coping skills that you can use between sessions. It DOES get easier over time, I promise. I used to be almost non-functional between appointments when I first started "telling". Now I can go to therapy, fall apart, be little, let T take care of me, and pull myself together enough to be my "normal" self between appointments - and when I CAN'T pull myself together, I have things I can do like call T, or get outside in nature, or watch a silly movie, that help. Hang in there. This is hard, but you can do it, and you can do it at a pace that YOU can handle.
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| sittingatwatersedge
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#22
Feb 14, 2009, 12:56 AM
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yup... it all makes sense... far too much sense, as that is like reading a page from my own journal.
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__________________
Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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