[phoenix7]

Went fo my EMDR session today - was prepared to face the storm in my head where I keep all the fear, shame, anger, despair and tears that are deep inside only to find my T has gone to a storm of her own

She has gone to give support to those who have lost people and the firefighters in the Bush fires in Victoria - her company have sent a few Psychologists there to help out - which is wonderful - I hope she will be safe - I know she will not be near the fires - they are terrible - people have lost everything - my problems are small in comparision to theirs - its all over the news - people in such pain

Im not coping well - its pathetic - I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard but I want to curl up and disapear - weak and pathetic I hate it tears come to my eyes but wont come out cos Im broken -
ITS PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!! - I HATE IT! HATE feeling this - HATE being this way - HATE that I havnt learned anything! HATE being me! - so ungrateful - im so sad and I cant cry - the tears wont come out - what sort of a person CANT CRY!

and I look on Tv and it rips my heart out - if I cant bear their pain at this distance how must it be for them ......

I hope my T is safe - I hope the fires in Victoria go out and the floods in Queensland subside and people can find some peace...

cant do this anymore - going to try and lose myself in sleep... take care P7

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

Went fo my EMDR session today - was prepared to face the storm in my head where I keep all the fear, shame, anger, despair and tears that are deep inside only to find my T has gone to a storm of her own

She has gone to give support to those who have lost people and the firefighters in the Bush fires in Victoria - her company have sent a few Psychologists there to help out - which is wonderful - I hope she will be safe - I know she will not be near the fires - they are terrible - people have lost everything - my problems are small in comparision to theirs - its all over the news - people in such pain

Im not coping well - its pathetic - I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard but I want to curl up and disapear - weak and pathetic I hate it tears come to my eyes but wont come out cos Im broken -
ITS PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!! - I HATE IT! HATE feeling this - HATE being this way - HATE that I havnt learned anything! HATE being me! - so ungrateful - im so sad and I cant cry - the tears wont come out - what sort of a person CANT CRY!

and I look on Tv and it rips my heart out - if I cant bear their pain at this distance how must it be for them ......

I hope my T is safe - I hope the fires in Victoria go out and the floods in Queensland subside and people can find some peace...

cant do this anymore - going to try and lose myself in sleep... take care P7

((((((((((((((((((((((((PHOENIX7))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't cry that often (rarely), but it doesn't mean that I'm not sad.
You've learned plenty. Your dealing with very serious issues that don't just go away overnight, so please remember that and try to be gentle to yourself!

You are not pathetic for feeling pain over your issues. Just because someone else is having issues it doesn't mean your pain is any less understandable or less real.

You are a really good person who is dealing with some very serious stuff.
Please be gentle with yourself and try not to judge yourself by comparing yourself to others. It's not possible to compare lives as one being "more deserving" than another. We all have our experiences and life circumstances.

You are worth every bit of it you know. You are interesting and likable. Don't let depressive thoughts minimize your experience.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((p7)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you are such a sweetie!! please don't be so hard on yourself! you are such a compassionate person on this forum. i agree with everything simcha said. just because others are suffering doesn't mean you aren't as well. sometimes the more subtle problems are worse because of their subtlety i.e. bruises are obvious but interior pain isn't. both are very painful. please take care p7!

[Hunny]

Thanks for sharing the pain around a bit.
We can take here, altogether, for a little bit, while you sleep



I'm so glad you're safe.
I'm sorry being selfish about this
but I was concerned



even if you don't feel like you do.

Ice

[phoenix7]

thankyou guys - you said some nice things - dont know that they're true - feel like some sulky 2 year old -stamping her feet - I want to be strong again - I want to be the me I was before - except she wasnt real - ....... im not sure whats real anymore - cant keep track of time - think i need to go back to bed - lost track of time over the last week or so - stress reaction? dunno -

I want to be the me I thought I was...... whoever she was .... I dont care if shes real or not -

raining now - hope it rains where the fires are - the firemen deserve a break and so do the people and animals there .

havnt slept much last few day - mean nights - too hot even with fan on - cooler tonight - night everyone - P7

[Sannah]

[Zorah]

waiting for the rain Phoenix, there is none where the fires are

Take gentle care of yourself
sleep now while it's cooler

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Simcha

You've learned plenty. Your dealing with very serious issues that don't just go away overnight, so please remember that and try to be gentle to yourself!

You are not pathetic for feeling pain over your issues. Just because someone else is having issues it doesn't mean your pain is any less understandable or less real.

You are a really good person who is dealing with some very serious stuff.
Please be gentle with yourself and try not to judge yourself by comparing yourself to others. It's not possible to compare lives as one being "more deserving" than another. We all have our experiences and life circumstances.

You are worth every bit of it you know. You are interesting and likable. Don't let depressive thoughts minimize your experience.

dear P7, maybe some of what you are feeling is exhaustion from having worked so hard on yr courage only to find that the zero hour was moved. now you have to prepare again.
I have a feeling that the 2nd preparation may be easier for you; you have worked on yr bravery & determination so well, and know that you're equal to the task. I'm so sorry yr appt didn't work out!! hopefully very soon
(((((((((( P7 ))))))))))

[bluenarciss]

Hi phoenix7,

this must have been more than only disappointing to find out that this very important EMDR session had to be canceled.
I would have felt a sound irritation, too. We cannot simply shrug when something is of so central relevance for us. Your frustration must have been rather deep.
On the other side, your T had acceptable reasons to follow the call for help in Victoria, as you rationally understand. But emotionally you got involved in a struggle.

Let me say that I don't see any reason at all for you to feel bad about your frustration and (maybe) anger.
To me it seems not to be necessary to compare the needs of the bushfire-victims with yours. They have their serious problems, and you have yours.

And there will come the time to help you with yours, and your T will then be there for you, and for you only. I can see that it must be hard to be patient now. But finally, I think, everything will come out well.

Anyway, I think it was good that you vented your thoughts. I hope the answers here gave you a little comfort and strength.

Don't fight yourself for things you have not caused, btw. These fires and the mission of your T are things no one could have foreseen or changed. Things like these happen simply. The best would be to get over it quickly and not giving anyone guilt for it, at the very least yourself!

Hold on,
bluenarciss

[phoenix7]

just sad today the bush fires are still raging - Zorah - I hope you get rain soon - the firemen an women look so tired and now they have the army there too - so many sad stories

Sittingatwatersedge - I think you're right - I had left my shields down so that I could be open for the session so I had no protection when it didnt happen and was overwhelmed - cant get my shields up - everything seems to be affecting me too much - too open to whats going on - cant take a step back - its so sad......

[Kiya]

((((((((((((P7)))))))))))))))
it is ok to feel all of that. Yes your basic needs are taken care of (thanks be given!) but yes you're hurting and what a shock to not know that T left in advance! I'd be really super hurt, too.
You have learned plenty - You've supported me and countless others so many times! Be gentle with youself!!!
hugs, Kiya

((((((((((((((((((((((P7))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Try to be as kind and gentle with you as you are with all of us here.

Many, many to you, my friend!

[Hunny]

I am reminded of the time the sunami came and my T left and went to Indonesia to work with the trauma survivors there, using OEI. Later one or two therapists from Indonesia came to Canada and learned the OEI technique. As for me, well, I watced on TV, when I was able to, and waited for his return. I remember wondering if I could hold out till T got back. The difference is that I was told ahead of time he was leaving.

Another therapist I had during 9/11 left and went to New York to use EMDR with the initial trauma victims, leaving me behind, sort of. I think she told me ahead of time too. Funny, I'd forgotten about that till just now.

My curren T believes that in a trauma event, for him to go a few days later may be more effective and may be more helpful to trauma survivors too.

Although this type of thing may never happen again, you may want to chat a little bit about it with your T upon her return telling her your feelings around being left without being told. I'm not sure if you have ever felt abandoned but if one had abadonment issues there may be some difficulty.

Perhaps the more responsible thing for her to have done is to go in a week or so after and let current clients (you) prepare somewhat. I think I would have been melted on the floor, if it was me.

Ice

These

[phoenix7]

Im sorry icestatue about the times with your T's, I think it shows we have good T's that they go

I just stuffed up again - this is the third time ive typed this darn thread - tired -

yes I have abandonment issues - the fires came up so fast and so many died so quickly - thats why my t's company sent down some T's - the fireman and women have seen terrible things and they need help - I undersatand that - the office was supposed to ring me before I got to the appt but instead it was half and hour after i was there i was told - 2nd time this had happened - that how the cookie crumbles sometimes and I know their needs are this big and my problems are this big in comparrison - I sent her a card that said "you dont have to be a giant to do great things" and I put - "what you did in the bush fires - that is great"

dont know if I can go back though - how do I go back to my T and tell her my pathetic tiny problems when she has been helping people who have seen such terrible things - it feels like i would be wasting her time, and I dont want to do that..... i dont know - tired - going to sleep now - thansk for your replies - night P7

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I want to be the me I thought I was...... whoever she was .... I dont care if shes real or not -

P7

And by feeling your feelings, you will be "you" again. I think perhaps we beat ourselfs up with feelings of how selfish we must be, we can see what a good deed someone is doing, unyet we still fee as we do...I think for those that already have gotten enought of what they needed, then thats proberbly how they see things, but fires or no fires, as tragic as they are, you still have a deep wound inside!, and to you that is your tragedy, as real as any other.

[peaches100]

Phoenix,

I'm sorry you had to miss your EMDR session. I'd feel upset and disappointed too. It's OK to feel that way. Don't forget you also feel much compassion for the bush fire victims and are glad your t is helping them. You feel both ways, and that's just fine.

I hope your t returns soon.

[Sannah]

Phoenix, your needs are just as important...........

[Kiya]

um... you can't compare the two. it doesn't work that way. you'll do yourself a disservice if you do. just like you can't compare ppl here either. we all have problems. end of story. =)