[kittykins9]

Hi everybody,
I continue on this journey of trying to get back to some stability, and I really need advice from folks about what to do now. A while back in therapy I was talking to my T about how much I miss my old T. She said "Is there anything I can do?" I said, "Sure, call my old T and beg him to take me back as a client." Then I said "NO, that wouldn't work and I know it." Her response, "I would do it you know if you want me to."

So, I am still having such adjustment difficulty and really missing my old T as my Bipolar meds stopped working. This has been so hard for me. I finally called new T on the phone yesterday and said, "Alright, please, call old T and beg him to take me as a client." I knew this probably wouldn't work if I'm being totally honest, but I wanted her to at least try. She phoned me a few hours later and said she wouldn't do it, which had me just shaking with anger.
I could barely speak to her because I didn't want to be rude.
I called her back and left a message saying, "I have been doing everything you've asked and doing my best to be totally honest with you about how I'm feeling. But what you said was such a serious breach of my trust. Why put out there if you didn't intend to do it?--- and part of the work we've been doing is to try to establish this trust-- which is really hard because of my feelings about my former T. "
She called back and said she heard me and we should it talk about it in session on Tuesday, so I called her and told her I'm really not sure I wanna do that. If therapy is getting me nowhere, why should I go? And if I can't trust her, what the heck am I supposed to do?

The issue is complicated by the fact that even though I have a parity condition, I can't see another therapist because I'm out of sessions. Can't afford to pay full price to another therapist and this T agreed to see me for copayments only. I am still reeling from the dramatic change in my mood and from meds that aren't fully working, and I am in serious trouble. But my response to everything she did yesterday was to make me feel much more dangerous-- and I came extremely close to SI. I came here and a wonderful person-- you know who you are, helped talk me down.

I am now indifferent as to whether I live or die. I can't start with someone new for financial reasons, and I don't trust this therapist at all!!! Her statement was one of the first things she had said that made me feel like I could trust her. Her taking it back, makes me feel I can't.

Can anyone advise on what I should do? Should I try to work this out with her, or should I just fly solo. It seems to me either path hazards about the same risk that I am not going to make it.

KKat

[nowheretorun]

ive read all youve written and have done my best to understand your dilemma.. is there a third path? one in which you survive just fine, get over this, and continue on your journey, discovering that each illusion of closed doors mystically erases itself when you really get there?

closing options down to two only for yourself severely limits other possibilities and even tho someday we all must agree to let life pass, until then, survivors search for options..

perhaps your old T has more than one eason for being unable to see you now and if you give the situation some distance and time for the variables to change in your favor, there is still a chance of re-connection?

there are several options available to get you thru this time... self education and sharing in areas where others are also attempting self improvement and mutually discovering resources and other answers is someplace you can begin..

dont throw in the towel, the story is only half written

I can understand why you're frustrated. I guess I would suggest going to the next session anyway if you can and hearing your T's side of things.

There have been times (earlier this week, for example) when I'm really mad at my T and feel like there's no point in talking to her anymore and that she is purposely doing something mean to me. And then once we talk about it, I start to see her side of things too, that maybe she wasn't doing what I assumed she was, and that makes me less mad. So, I'm just saying, sometimes it helps to get the whole picture, even when you're mad, and the only way to do that is to let the person you think has hurt you have a chance to offer their side. That is what I've been working on anyway.

[imapatient]

I think you should go to your appt. You need to process this with your T.

I think it was inappropriate to tell you she'd do it without very serious exploration beforehand. Would it be a kind of running away from new T? From the issues you're dealing with? To avoid intimacy?

It comes across to me when you first mentioned it that that's not your new T's responsibility to do. You should be the one contacting your old T, for multiple reasons. One is that it otherwise puts you in the position of wanting others to do for you what you should be doing yourself. Also, it would seem to me that in contacting old T, if you can't work it out with him/her, that the next step is to ask if he'll talk to your old T. Better yet, tell him you're going to process it with new T and then if new T wants to help you try to make the change, then she can contact old T.

But there are so many issues here to explore, that you'll be doing yourself a disservice if you avoid hearing what your new T says rather than making assumptions. What you're talking about doing is a very heavy therapy trajectory change. It could be very empowering for you to take the steps of contacting old T yourself.

((((((((((((((((kittykins)))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, what a crappy situation. I am so sorry - I know you are in a bad place right now, and questioning whether or not you can trust T must make it feel so much worse.

I can only speak from my own experience....but I have had some MAJOR misunderstandings with T...situations that made me wonder if I really could trust him, if he really did care, if he had ANY idea what he was doing....and I have always made myself try to work it out with him. The first time we had a rupture was the hardest - I spent the weekend in tears, SO confused and upset - but I went to my next appointment, and we talked and talked, and he heard me and apologized and I knew he meant it. In some ways, that's when I felt like my "real" therapy with him began.

We have had ruptures, big and small, since then...sometimes they have required multiple between-session phone calls, sometimes it can wait until the next session...but working through those ruptures has been the absolute FOUNDATION of my growth in therapy. I am sure of that.

That is MY experience, but perhaps it will give you a glimmer of hope...enough to go on Tuesday, and hear what she says, and talk about what happened.

Sometimes things can't be "fixed"...like if T just says something stupid, there is obviously no way he can go back and unsay it....so sometimes I have to just trust that he has my best interest at heart, accept that he is human, and learn to let it go.

I have a very close, very trusting relationship with T now...but there have been lots of bumps along the way (and there are sure to be more). Maybe, maybe, maybe this will be an opportunity to grow with your T rather than an opportunity to run away...

Be gentle with you, and stay safe...

[darkrunner]

I agree with everyone who said you should talk to your T about this.
It sounds to me like she messed up - by promising something and not following through. That must hurt very much....and especially because it has to do with your old T who you still care about so much.

BUT! maybe she can explain her reasoning and it might make better sense to you. And surely she will apologize for changing her mind and causing such confusion and strife. T's are only human and make mistakes too.....they can be really serious when dealing with people like us who have trust issues. But like Earthmama said, trying to work this out might help you to take a step forward in your healing.

((((((((((((((((((((((kittykins))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry you have to go through this right now.......let us know what happens, okay?

[serafim_etal]

Originally Posted by kittykins9

A while back in therapy I was talking to my T about how much I miss my old T. She said "Is there anything I can do?" I said, "Sure, call my old T and beg him to take me back as a client." Then I said "NO, that wouldn't work and I know it." Her response, "I would do it you know if you want me to."

I'm wondering how long ago was "a while ago"? Is it possible that back then she would have done it, but now that you've worked on things with her and established more of a relationship, she isn't able/willing to do that? Also, maybe she knows something about your old T that you don't...like an extended vacation, leave, something like that?

I agree with all those that have said you should talk to the T.

[kittykins9]

Dear dear dear friends,
I want to thank all of you for your incredibly thoughtful responses. They helped me to do what I should do, which is to confront this head on with current T and agree to meet with her so we could talk about this more. Lots of you brought up so many good points, and I do remember with old T times when we have very serious disagreements over the years. This could be a way that we get past some of these issues, and it's also a way for me to make it clear how important trust is in this and how I'm struggling.

You guys are so beautiful; I hope you know that! Thank you so much for all you said. I will meet with T as planned on Tuesday, and work to resolve this with her. Honestly, what choice do I have anyway. I don't want to remain in this state, and I do want to get well. This T is the only option for that right now, unless I go it alone-- and I honestly don't think I can do this on my own.

Bless you all so much for your advice and thoughts. They are so much appreciated and I hope that as time goes on, I will be able to help each and every one of you as you have helped me today.

Kkins

[phoenix7]

good luck for tuesday

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Kitty,

I have had such huge disruptions in my therapy and there have been times when I have been soooo angry with T and didn't see any possible way that I could go back. But I did.

In fact, once we had a huge disagreement and he really hurt my feelings in session and I thought I could never go back or trust him again. He even said something that seemed the exact opposite of what he had promised. So I do understand. But you know what I did? Instead of staying away I asked for an extra session and I went in the next day and talked through my feelings. T thanked me for coming.

I wanted to try and break the cycle -- my own personal habit -- of walking away from things instead of talking them through. And it really helped.

T and I are now closer than I think we would be if we had not had these ruptures and worked through them. I feel very protected by him right now.

So I guess I am sharing this to give you some sense of how you might be able to take a try at working through this disappointment.

Best of luck.