[Kiya]

There has been a change... it started this January when we were sui. T's eyes deepened and reached all the way to her own pain (past experiences, maybe even other lost clients). It hasn't really mended back over - the old look. The new deepened trench is still partly visible. Last night again it was very deep. We were discussing the main controlling alter of the system. T said she wanted to start EMDR with me, but that there is no ruch and we would work our way there... but something about that depth in T's eyes held me fast - rather than retreating from her. This is new for us. Reading other ppl's posts, things ring true for my t; like integrity, especially, and how that is the most important trait to T. It is for us also... so another level of trust was paved. I didn't tell her that, but maybe that got translated in the gaze; the new road paved of pain between us that we both understand far too well...
just thoughts... feel free to add....

[MissCharlotte]

Kiya,

What a nice post. The deepening relationship is manifested in your ability to hold the eye contact and look deeper now. It's funny, but I feel closer to T now than ever also and I think it has something to do with my ability to really let him in this time when I was suffering as well. For me, I don't think there is one particular trait that is the most important but integrity is way up there--compassion is too--as well as honor, faith, and hope.

[madisgram]

i loved the way you expressed this change in your relationship with your T. so happy for you. the fact that you have the willingness to go farther into your feelings and trust your T. that is part of the process of healing, jme.

[peaches100]

Kiya,

A real connection can be felt when we look into another person's eyes and see their genuine concern for us. It's a very deepening experience. I'm so glad you shared this with your t.

[Kiya]

I keep thinking about it, also - trying to understand it more. We (as a system of alters) had an experience where someone finally confronted that controller (top alter) and it didn't shut down the body like usual, so I was sharing this with T and the struggle between that alter and myself that was happening (controller trying to squish me out by applying terrible tension to the body... long story... but it was sort of a life and death struggle for myself as the entity Kiya and I outlasted it, which was a huge victory). That was when T's eyes picked up that depth of pain (almost like she is starting to realize just how far this Alice and Wonderland rabbit hole really goes). But she didn't look away, didn't dismiss it... she took it to be very real which also helped pave this new path between us. Other T's in the past would have questioned what I thought this was really about or "how do i define this" in terms other than an alter fighting for control. But she believed me without a doubt and the look she had seemed to verify that for me - that she also saw the seriousness of the situation and was not going to back away from me as if I were something mad or contagious. The first time I had seen that look (back in Jan) it really scared me - it told me things had gotten way too serious and maybe even past what T could deal with (when she wanted to hospitalize us) - that look had told me to run, and has haunted me all this time. But last night, that look somehow told me she is in this for the long haul. I really hope my ascertaion is correct too. Anyway, that was why I started this thread... I've been with her 14 months now and so new looks or new reactions seems worthy of observation =) T always tells me that I am an observer and that I need to tell her what I notice. Maybe I should tell her this. I suppose I still am at the point where I am afriad I'll lose her if I reveal the 'wrong' thing. So i keep my observations to myself until I am sure (or think I am sure) of their meaning.. or get so paranoid that I have I have to share them so she can correct them. Anyway, thanks for reading. and thanks also for sharing your own thoughts =) It helps validate and make this real...also helps me see the direction of where i'm headed.
(((((((((((((MissC, Madisgram, Peaches))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, two of things you said in your thread really resonated with me.

One is that you are afraid to tell her of your new insight because you might "lose" the connection....I am so scared to tell T when I feel something positive because I am afraid he will take it away. Like if I say "it feels good when you say X" he will make a mental note "never say X to earthmama again". I don't know what that is about - but we have talked about it a lot, and the fear is getting less. Now I can tell him sometimes about the positive or hopeful feelings I have about our relationship, and my therapy, and I do trust that instead of taking it away, he will give me MORE.

The other thing that struck me is feeling the alters fighting for control- the tension that causes. Just TODAY in therapy, I was adult me for almost the whole session and suddenly I could feel me slipping away and a littler me wanting to come in....and I fought it. I told him I was fighting her, that I didn't want that right now. I sort of felt like adult me won out, but when I left the session, I felt kind of "in-between" and I couldn't remember anything about what I KNOW was a really fine, very adult session. I think I left him a message and asked him to leave a message for little me because I knew she was sad because she loves him the most...and he did leave her a message, and said how proud he is of her and of ALL of me, and how much he cares for her The struggle you talked about sounded SO familiar, and it feels so weird to..."win", I guess (although T didn't want me to think of it as winning, or as being mean to little me - I do feel like adult me kind of "won" the battle today).

(((((((((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

Earthmama, thanks for sharing those two things. I do know that T wants all the alters to be able to work together and communicate well. I don't know what she will make of the printed out conversation I gave her of the confrontation of the controller. I was nearly ready for her to try that herself - but she agreed that i needed a reprieve from all that. I'm not sure what EMDR will look like with the alters - have you done that? It amazes me how tenative things can feel with T... constantly building this ever-changing relationship. T actually reminds me of Dumbledore from Harry Potter - ageless even with her shock white hair, deep blue eyes that at times seem to x-ray me, and great energy and strength for one who is certainly older. Like I can be mad at her and it won't change the relationship - she won't react at me (not that I've tried - anger?? me???). Like Dumbledore, she's told me I could even say angry things to her (like Dobby the elf says Dumbledore told him) and it would be ok. Anyway... My time got moved this next week due to a meeting, so I will be seeing her Monday instead of Wed night. I still have been "keeping" things from her because I still feel like I am not sure what the reaction would be - and now I am not sure i want to see that deep hurt and concern in her eyes again. (How quickly I have gone back to my original interpretation of that look). These are odd, shifting currents.... glad I am not on this sea alone. =)

[phoenix7]

I think the initial reaction is right - then we second guess them - my old T once told me if my memories came back we would face them together - I actually looked in his eyes and he meant it - unfortunately life doesnt always go as we plan - but I still treasure that look - for that one moment I felt I was not alone - one day maybe my new T will say that to me...

Im so glad you connected with your T - its good not to be alone in this journey.

[SpottedOwl]

(((((Kiya)))))

How beautiful! Having that deep connection with T is such a powerful thing.

It reminds me of something T said to me once. I was talking about past ugliness, and I didn't know why I needed to say those things. T said, I'm not here to judge, I'm here to be a witness to your life.

The way he said it -- 'to be a witness', that I am important enough to have someone else really try to understand, was so loving that I just stopped, and big warm tears started to roll down my cheeks.

Great work and thank you for sharing!

[Kiya]

((((((((((((Spotted owl))))))))))) that is what my T has said to "there to be a witness to me". pretty incredible, huh.

((((((((((((Phoenix)))))))))))) I don't know what to say =( I do hope you will be connected with new T soon.