Thanks T. I could have talked to myself.

I have session tomorrow so I left T a message last night. Since I have been going once per week and not calling or emailing between sessions I felt like touching base with him since I have been doing poorly the past three days. I have been missing my dad more and more each day and feeling quite depressed.

He called back a little while ago and I explained a little bit of what has been going on. I said, "It has been six months (since my Dad died) and it isn't hurting any less."

He said, "Why would you expect it to hurt less? Why, after such a great loss, would you expect it not to hurt?"

Mistake #1:

I ****ing hate when he asks those stupid rhetorical questions.

I told him that I just want someone who is feeling this like me. I can't do this grieving with my mom. She is just too disconnected from everything. I can talk to her, but she will end up saying **** like, "Well, what can you do? We have to go on." She really has no idea.

So then I'm crying on the phone. I tell him, "I can't do this anymore. It has been six months and sometimes I think he's still coming back. I mean, I know he's not-- but maybe...."

Silence on the other end of the phone.

Mistake #2:

Saying absolutely nothing in a moment when I am basically saying that I really need to connect with someone about this.

So, I just decided to end the phone conversation myself, which I have never done before.

I said, "Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." He said, "Okay, see you tomorrow at 3." I said, "Bye," and hung up.

Mistake #3:

Leaving me feeling angry, frustrated, sad, and completely abandoned.

Okay, so I know that my feelings are generated by the interaction that occurred. They aren't necessarily mistakes by him. I know that. But still. I'm hurting so I need to be angry at him right now. Maybe he felt there was just nothing he could really say. How can you help someone in grief, especially over the phone? I should have realized that. It was stupid to call.

You recognized you needed to speak to T who is a safe person to be angry at.

Grief is hard.

((((((( pinksoil ))))))))

(((((((((( dear pink ))))))))))

I'm sorry you are so sad.

Pink
I am angry with you!
It freaking sucks....
I awoke in the middle of the night two nights ago and laid there so stinking angry about the same thing, then the tears came. What sucks the most is that I wish I could do something to change what happened but I can't and that ticks me off even more.
I feel like I could run up and down the street screaming at the top of my lungs but that wouldn't go over so well with the neighbors......so I sit here with it eating away at me, trying my best to entangle myself in my work so that I don't have to think about, that use to work really well, but its not working so well now, I feel a lose it stage coming, something I have been trying to avoid.

There is no one that I know of that I can connect to right now, I have my T but our relationship is new so I don't go there with her yet.

I get what you mean about needing someone to be there. I wish your T could have understood at the moment where you were coming from, if only he could have read your mind

I wish I had great words for you. I wish I could say tomorrow will be better for you but I don't know what tomorrow holds.
Try to just hang in there and go with it.

Hangingon

Hmmmm, I really hate rhetorical question too. I'm my case its usually because the challenge an assumption which... I regret acknowledging I had. In this case, it seems as though you T was trying to make you analyze your feelings instead of just sitting with you while you felt them.

I also hate when my responses are met with silence. Makes me feel like either a) the person wasn't really listening to me or b) that they heard what I said but it was so freaky and they didn't know what to say in response to it.

Pink...I hope your in-person session goes better.

(((((((pinksoil))))))))

It wasn't stupid to call. I'm sure there was something T could have done differently to help you feel the connection you needed.

Maybe he was having an off day, or his head was somewhere else.

I'm sorry it's still so painful for you.

I wouldn't like this because it sounds like he is trying to tell you your feelings are not justified because you are thinking about things "wrong". He's seeming to suggest that you made an incorrect assumption that it should not hurt, therefore you feelings are invalid. If you only understood you should not be expecting things to not hurt right now, then he would have "fixed" your problem. I don't buy into that kind of therapy--all that faulty thinking c**p. You were trying to share your feelings of grief with a trusted therapist and instead you got "you're thinking about this all wrong." I think he did not understand what you needed and yeah, that stuff happens. I'm sorry it did when you needed something else.

One of the stages of grief is anger, so maybe this shows you are progressing rather than at the same stage for 6 months?

I hope your in person session goes well. I think phone calls are really really hard. So difficult to communicate over the wires and lots of potential for miscommunication.

It sounds like he was probably distracted and couldn't really talk like maybe someone was in the room with him, but I hate when my T does that- tries to get me to stand on my own two feet at the worst possible moment.

its hard to reach out - its painful to think you were not heard - and silences - they suck bigtime - thats when I fill in the gaps with stuff that probably is nowwhere in theri minds but lurks at te back of ours - and you end up still upset but now angry and confused is added to the pot.

Im sorry your T couldnt give you what you needed in the phone call - Im sorry you are feeling this way - time places distance between the pain - but it so easily comes back - these times i try to think of good times i had with my mum - I hope your T sorts this out at your appt - take care

I see it as an attempt to validate your feelings--he's saying it's normal/expected to have them given the circumstances. He did it indirectly, but he did it.

I think he stood back and let you express yourself thinking that that's what you wanted most--someone to hear you and your pain.

Calling a T who you work really well with and have contact with outside of session frequently, and made the call according to the boundaries established, isn't stupid. It's common and normal for your relationship. It was about your main issue these days. It's understandable. Just because you didn't get what you wanted out of the call doesn't make it stupid, it just means that for whatever reason of his issues at the moment, his therapeutic decision, what he picked up from you, and what you said he didn't play his role the way you hoped he would.

I hope he can steer you to some support groups for others experiencing similar grief; not many people go through that type of grief at any given point in time, and a T can only do so much.

I agree with you Sunny on the faulty thinking approach. Not a good one I'd say if that is what he was doing.

Actually my T does the rhetorical question thing in an attempt to validate my feelings. I tease him about a lot because he does it a lot!!! I know that he does it because I invalidate myself a lot-- I say things like, "I shouldn't..." or "I am supposed to..." So he inserts those crappy rhetorical questions in attempt of validation. It has gotten to the point where I almost always know when he is going to insert one so one time I told him to save his oxygen and not say them anymore.

As far as my T being distracted-- he would never talk on the phone with any of his clients if someone else was in the room.

I honestly think that he just felt helpless. And I think it is okay for me to feel angry at that. It is natural to look for help, imagining and hoping that someone can ease the pain.

If I put myself in T's shoes, I imagine it is extremely difficult. I am crying over the phone, stating that I want someone back who is deceased. I tell him that I can't do this anymore. What could he say or do? What did I need from him? Maybe before I make these types of phone calls I need to figure out what I need.

I think what made me angry was that his silence came after I told him that I needed someone to experience this with me in a way that I wouldn't feel so alone.

I understand your frustration! It can be so hard when we are struggling and need help, but at the same time, what we are struggling with is so vast and deep that nothing seems to help. I felt similarly after my dad's death.

I wonder if the silence was partly a weakness of the telephone contact? A lot of times when I feel most connected with my therapist, like I'm not struggling alone, those are the times when we are sitting in compassionate, connected silence with each other. Could he have been trying to connect that way, and it got lost in the phone lines, so to speak?