Leaving my Husband and so Scared

Well last night was the end all be all. I said in a previous post that I had installed a spy program since H was going to be out of town. It may have been wrong but I just can't trust him. What I found when he came home was appalling. He was looking on craigslist for prostitutes in our area, he says just for the pictures but how can I believe that after all the other lies. Also found about 1000 porn sites and I honestly think he has a problem. I tell him all the time that I don't care about the porn but just to be honest that you need it and he always says that he's going to "prove to me" that he doesn't need it and swears on our children that he won't go to another online site. So as I was talking to him via messenger about not only going to the ER but if I ever caught him doing something inappropriate or lying again, no matter how big or small right now, I was done, he was looking at prostitutes.

So he got home and I confronted him. First he denied it, said that I was a B@!# for not believing him and that it was the guy he had to room with. Then he confessed but said that he was fine with me leaving because he didn't care. I explained that I loved him but I have realized that I don't NEED him and that I will always be there for him if he decides to get help for his anger and lying but that I couldn't live with him hurting me anymore. A couple hours later it was like a different husband, he was crying and telling me how much he needed me to help him get through this. He said that he would change, that he would do anything to have me in his life so I said that if he meant what he said and took the initiative to get help without me forcing him then I would consider a separation, if I can see that he's really trying to change we can work it out. He said we will split the bank account, that we can take turns with the kids, etc. but still kept begging me to stay.

Another few hours later and all of a sudden he had a huge meltdown in the car with my kids. I asked if he could watch them because I am supposed to go with my friend to look at an apartment and he said I was F*&@*(* selfish and don't think about anyone but myself because he had to weed the garden. He then jumped out of the car since we were at the store and left me to grab the kids. We get back outside and he starts yelling at me to get in the effing car. There are like 15 people in the parking lot and he's standing there screaming at me in front of them and my kids so I tried to be calm and just said "please don't talk to me like that in front of my children". All part of my plan to be a stronger person even though I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He screamed "I'll talk to you however I want to effing talk to you when you are being a B*@*!"

We got home and I called Jag and welfare because he started mumbling about how I will never get custody since I have never had a job, (we got married at 18), and that he was going to clear out our joint account and put it in his personal one. So, again trying to remain calm I asked him what was going on and why the sudden change in mood. He said that when I act like a B@&# and a C*&^, that I deserve to be treated like that." I asked him how he would feel if a man talked like that to our daughter and he said that maybe this will teach her not to act like a B^$*!

Anyways, point is I am so freaking scared. He's right about me never being on my own. I went from my mother taking care of me to him taking care of me. I have never even driven a car alone! I don't know how I am going to do this. I have absolutely nothing. Now I am a full time student, I am going to have to support three kids, and work and I don't know where to even begin. I love him but he's never going to change, ever, and I know it's not healthy for my children to be around him. I just feel like I want to die because I don't know how this is ever going to work. Not only am I financially dependent but emotionally. I have always been in relationships, I've always needed that person to come home to me at the end of the day. I have honestly never not had a man in my life. I just keep thinking that this is my fault. If I was prettier, or smarter, or more like the girls he goes after that we wouldn't be going through this because he would realize that I deserve better. He's always hanging out with these girls that look like playboy bunnies and having three kids has absolutely ruined my body and I feel like I am pretty plain looking as far as my other features. He's always telling me how worthless and lazy I am and that other men don't think I'm pretty but he loves me so he doesn't care that I am not attractive or that when we get money we will pay to "have me fixed by a surgeon". I just feel like nobody is ever going to love me again because I have three kids and the way I look and he always says that he's the only person that would put up with all my bs. I am so scared that he's right and that I can't make it on my own. I don't know if he ever really loved me but what if I leave and it's only worse? What if I can't make it or I ruin my children? Worse yet, what if he gets custody and moves back to VA with them which is his plan? What if I can't handle being alone? I have no idea where to go from here.

There's a lot in your post so I may not reply to all of it but take heart. First of all, courts usually side with the mother. If your're not an addict and you're a responsible mother, regardless of whether you have had a job or not, the courts will likely not take away custody. They might grant joint custody but he will have to have it approved through the courts in order to move a long ways away from you. Look around in your area and see if you can find some legal aid to make sure that he doesn't take your money. The courts don't care if you've been working, the fact that you have been taking care of the children is work and you might qualify for alimony as well since you haven't had a job outside of the home. There are some wonderful organizations that will answer all your questions if you take a moment to seek them out.

Secondly, start rounding up your support group. Do you have family, friends? You might be surprised who will come to your aid, even family members you might not have spoken to in awhile. Swallow your pride and accept all the help you are offered until you can make it on your own. Thirdly, get counseling. If you can't afford it, look for the free programs in your area. There are those out there that will love you and respect you for who you are and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You might also want to check out a couple books on codependency. I am not saying you are codependent but its hard not to be when you've always relied on someone else. Sometimes, its just a product of the environment and not of the personality.

You can do this. Do not let your fear stop you or you will have more of the same and your children will continue to hear the names that he calls you and see the way he treats you and may grow up to do the same. Take care...

PinUpGal,
Some very good advice was given by reina29...
I'd like to ask if y'all are military? You mentioned JAG...
I offer m apology for not being up to speed on your situation.

Jmo, but what I heard in your posts reminds me of battered-wife syndrome...mental and verbal abuse are damaging to a person just as physical abuse is
Is there a Domestic Violence office/center near you? We have advocates who work with the woman in reestablishing her life. Perhaps you can look into this and see what is offered...

You are a worthwhile human being, deserving of respect and courtesy. Do what you need to do to stop his behavior towards you.
It hurts you but it also hurts your children--they grow up believing it's all right for a woman to be treated in this manner. It can lead to h*ll for them.

Please take care of you, you are important.

Catherine

(((((((((((PinUpGal))))))))))))

Do you know how AMAZING you are? I was reading your post and all I could think was how incredibly STRONG you must be to put up with a husband like that AND be raising three kids at the same time. No one deserves to be told she's lazy or worthless or plain, especially not someone who has been through as much as you're going through now.

I'm not married nor do I have any kids but let me tell you that I have always believed -- after watching my mother, my aunts, my grandmothers -- go through everything from abusive relationships to raising their kids to working themselves to death in order to keep their families afloat ... women like them, women strong enough to head out on their own, to protect their children, to protect themselves, are the strongest, most beautiful women on the planet, and deserve nothing but a strong, beautiful relationship with someone who can see them for the strong women they are. Anyone who can't is a fool and does not deserve you. There are better men out there, for one, and secondly, even if it seems like you can't do this, you CAN.

It's just a thought but are there any women's groups in your area that might help you in this process? There will be people there who understand your position, not to mention who have been there themselves and can give you the advice and support you need. Do what you need to in order to take care of yourself and your children, and you will have every reason to feel proud of yourself.

Sending lots of hugs to help you through.

Pinupgal, you are not worthless and lazy. HE is the one who done the wrong. Not you. Don't belive a word he is telling you about your looks and worth. That is his way of controling you and it's lies. It was'nt you looking up prostitutes online. It was him and THAT is disgusting. He's got a guilty concience and that is why he is acting like a prick. You can make it on your own. It seems like it's impossible but it's not. I agree with the previous post. Get yourself a support group. And leave his butt. He might be talking trash right now but he could turn physically abusive to you. And he is not setting a very good example for the kids to be calling their mother those names in front of them. He is the worthless one. You deserve better. You are a beautiful person and he does'nt know it but he will when you're not there anymore.

OMG....I'm so sorry to hear that....He's such an abuser...don't let him to do that to you....I'm sure you are so pretty and you don't need any kind of surgery....and you can take care of yourself perfectly....you just have to be strong...you can do it...I'm sure....

Hey everyone, thanks for all the great words of support. The problem that I am having is my guilt and he's making it abundantly clear that I am not perfect, which I never claimed to be. The last couple of days have been difficult, our lease is up at the end of June so I decided to at least wait until June 1st to move out. He's been completely cold and has somehow turned it around to make me feel like he is leaving me. I have told him so many times that all he had to do was pick up a phone and call someone for help and anger management and at least it would prove that he cared and wanted to try so the other day he mentioned it and followed up with "what would be the point?" As if three children and seven years of marriage aren't worth it. Then he completely flipped it, see a while back I cheated on him. It was so stupid and I was drunk and angry because I found out that he had gotten a girls number and was in a hotel room with her. Turns out it was true but he swore that she was "just a friend" and I thought to myself when the situation arose that after years of putting up with all of this and being a good wife. Standing by his side no matter what he called me, who secretly was meeting and emailing, how many girls he was talking to, I would finally be able to do something. Anything that I could keep from him and that way when he lied to me again it wouldn't hurt so much because we were on an even playing field. It was childish but at the time with way too much alcohol and a professional hockey player it seemed like it was a win win. Unfortunately or fortunately, I discovered that I was nothing like him. I felt ashamed and I couldn't live with it so I told him. He said that he forgave me, that after years of putting up with his lying that he could get past it and that while he wouldn't be able to trust me for a while he still loved me and wanted to be with me.

So now, the last two days that's all he talks about. He had me thinking that he actually left me, I was almost begging him to take me back. He told me that he loves me but that he was never in love with me and that we could have been great if I just hadn't threatened to leave. He said because I told him we were done that he got used to the idea and wants nothing to do with me. He said that he can't live with what I did to him and I ruined everything. A part of me so wanted to believe that because what I did was so completely out of charactor, I wanted to make him forgive me and take him back. When I started to cry he said that he had to be cold because I "wouldn't get it" if he wasn't and that he never respected me before so why should he start now? So by this time I am sobbing and literally just wanted to die. I'm begging him to just tell me that he loves me still and to take it all back. To tell me that the three beautiful children I have brought into this world and all those years together meant something to him even if he didn't want to be with me. Instead he tells me that I am mentally unstable and crazy and now that's the other reason he is leaving me. I started feeling like I can't do it, for a few days I really felt like I could make it on my own but sitting there in front of him with him telling me how much happier he will be once I was out of his life, I started to freak out. I've been so down the past few days, I haven't been eating and I just keep having these stupid pity parties where I don't want to get out of bed.

That's when I realized what he was doing. I said I was leaving him but he completely turned it around so that he is in control. So that it would be up to him if he wants to take me back, it's so completely manipulative and as much as I am scared out of my mind that I can't do this, I don't want him having that control over me anymore. He's left me before and I've always asked him to come home, so when he's done living the single life he comes back to me but not this time. Even if I don't feel it, I have to fake it. I have to regain control of the situation and let him know that this was my decision and not his. I went to my courthouse and got divorce papers, he will have to sign them tonight so I can go get it notorized tomorrow. I went down to welfare, even though I am kind of prideful and while I respect people need it I never wanted to be that person who accepted it, but that's why it's there rigtht? That's why we've paid taxes all these years. So it's not much but it's a start. I've been applying for jobs everywhere and hopefully one will come through and my classes start tomorrow. I still feel like my heart is breaking, I do love him and I know that sounds stupid. I used to see women all the time with abusive husbands on television saying that they stay because they love them and I would call them idiots and change the channel. Who knew I would be one of them? I've just never been in so much emotional pain in my life, I feel like the past seven years were wasted on someone who doesn't love me and I would give anything to make him love me but I can't. So now that I've written a novel, my adventure is about to begin I guess.

Well last night was the end all be all. I said in a previous post that I had installed a spy program since H was going to be out of town. It may have been wrong but I just can't trust him. What I found when he came home was appalling. He was looking on craigslist for prostitutes in our area, he says just for the pictures but how can I believe that after all the other lies. Also found about 1000 porn sites and I honestly think he has a problem. I tell him all the time that I don't care about the porn but just to be honest that you need it and he always says that he's going to "prove to me" that he doesn't need it and swears on our children that he won't go to another online site. So as I was talking to him via messenger about not only going to the ER but if I ever caught him doing something inappropriate or lying again, no matter how big or small right now, I was done, he was looking at prostitutes. You need to think about getting tested for STD's. It really sounds like he has strayed.

So he got home and I confronted him. First he denied it, said that I was a B@!# for not believing him and that it was the guy he had to room with. Then he confessed but said that he was fine with me leaving because he didn't care. I explained that I loved him but I have realized that I don't NEED him and that I will always be there for him if he decides to get help for his anger and lying but that I couldn't live with him hurting me anymore. This is a typical reaction that an abuser has. He may not be physically abusive but he is DEFINITLY emotionally & verbally abusive.
A couple hours later it was like a different husband, he was crying and telling me how much he needed me to help him get through this. He said that he would change, that he would do anything to have me in his life so I said that if he meant what he said and took the initiative to get help without me forcing him then I would consider a separation, if I can see that he's really trying to change we can work it out. He said we will split the bank account, that we can take turns with the kids, etc. but still kept begging me to stay. Again this is a typical stage. Begging and saying they will get help. he is a text book case.

Another few hours later and all of a sudden he had a huge meltdown in the car with my kids. I asked if he could watch them because I am supposed to go with my friend to look at an apartment and he said I was F*&@*(* selfish and don't think about anyone but myself because he had to weed the garden. He then jumped out of the car since we were at the store and left me to grab the kids. We get back outside and he starts yelling at me to get in the effing car. There are like 15 people in the parking lot and he's standing there screaming at me in front of them and my kids so I tried to be calm and just said "please don't talk to me like that in front of my children". All part of my plan to be a stronger person even though I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He screamed "I'll talk to you however I want to effing talk to you when you are being a B*@*!" Again, he felt that you were serious and that he was loosing control so he was trying to scare you into staying. Be careful!!!

We got home and I called Jag and welfare because he started mumbling about how I will never get custody since I have never had a job, (we got married at 18), and that he was going to clear out our joint account and put it in his personal one. So, again trying to remain calm I asked him what was going on and why the sudden change in mood. He said that when I act like a B@&# and a C*&^, that I deserve to be treated like that." I asked him how he would feel if a man talked like that to our daughter and he said that maybe this will teach her not to act like a B^$*! This is again typical, he is trying to use your children & money against you. The court will NOT keep your kids from you because you've never had a job! My god! How stupid does he think you are. The judge will also make him split the money too. If they see that he emptied it as soon as you left and you have a paper trail, they will make sure you get your share. I don't think you should even have to leave your home. Make that abuser get his own place.

Anyways, point is I am so freaking scared. He's right about me never being on my own. I went from my mother taking care of me to him taking care of me. I have never even driven a car alone! I don't know how I am going to do this. I have absolutely nothing. Now I am a full time student, I am going to have to support three kids, and work and I don't know where to even begin. There are shelters you can go to that will help you get on the right track, they will help you file paperwork, like a restraining order.
I love him but he's never going to change, ever, and I know it's not healthy for my children to be around him.Your right, he has proven he isn't going to change and he is ESCLATING!!! You need to be watchful
I just feel like I want to die because I don't know how this is ever going to work. Not only am I financially dependent but emotionally. I have always been in relationships, I've always needed that person to come home to me at the end of the day. I have honestly never not had a man in my life. I just keep thinking that this is my fault. If I was prettier, or smarter, or more like the girls he goes after that we wouldn't be going through this because he would realize that I deserve better. He doesn't care about your feelings at all! That is completely obvious
He's always hanging out with these girls that look like playboy bunnies and having three kids has absolutely ruined my body and I feel like I am pretty plain looking as far as my other features. He's always telling me how worthless and lazy I am and that other men don't think I'm pretty but he loves me so he doesn't care that I am not attractive or that when we get money we will pay to "have me fixed by a surgeon". I just feel like nobody is ever going to love me again because I have three kids and the way I look and he always says that he's the only person that would put up with all my bs. He is using verbal abuse to hold you down. An abusers MO, ruin their self esteem so that you don't feel you can do anything without I am so scared that he's right and that I can't make it on my own. YOu can make it on your own. You will struggle BUT it will be worth it to show your kids that it ISN'T OK to treat another person this way. If you stay you are teaching them that this is approperiate treatment of their SO I don't know if he ever really loved me but what if I leave and it's only worse? What if I can't make it or I ruin my children? Worse yet, what if he gets custody and moves back to VA with them which is his plan? What if I can't handle being alone? I have no idea where to go from here. You MUST take care of you and your kids! You can not put up with him out of fear! You can not let fear control your life. Your children deserve better, and so do you. Please see a lawyer, atleast so you know your rights! That way you can make the most educated decision! You may have to stop school or cut back for a while but it is worth doing ANYTHING to protect your kids and you. PLEASE think very seriously about this!

He's playing head games with you. You will be hurt for a while but you will move on. Honestly you should kick him out. you have the kids and he doesn't. Also give child support a call. Child support will really help you. One thing that you should ask yourself. Do you think he's going to change? My ex was very abusive to me, and I will never put myself in a position like that again. Just keep hanging in there you will get threw this.

He is clearly attempting to manipulate you, when the beaten, needy husband routine did not work he attempted the control route. He's already shown that his opinion is suspect, so don't even give his insults and attempts to scare you another thought. BECAUSE you have children you have an extra obligation to ensure that they have a safe peaceful home, that they learn how they should treat their mates and how they should be treated.

When you start feeling the fear, remember that you're doing this not only for yourself but for your kids. You'll find the strength and courage.