[Poppet]

Please listen to me, don't know if I should even be doing this but I am alone and can't tell anyone I know IRL.

I was aware that my partner had a sex site that he visited. But just now, looking through the computers history I saw all the names that the sites are called.

They are crude and upsetting. I know they exist but just seeing it in black and white has really upset me. I do not have a sex drive as of past 2-3 years so when I first found out about the sex site I thought 'well, he needs an outlet somewhere, etc...' but deep down it saddens me.

Its because of me we hardly have any sex life so I shouldn't get upset really. But when I was small I was called these words and I hate them. I really hope you don't think what I am saying is not appropriate but I need to share it.

What do I do ? I feel sick and am trying so hard not to see my partner as a sleazy person. I don't know whether to mention this or just leave it.

Any support or comfort needed, I am so sorry.

Poppet (((((((((((hugs to all))))))))))

(((((((((((poppet)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry your parnter may have a sexual addiction. That is so hard to deal with...especially if you have suffered abuse in the past. It sounds like maybe marraige/partner counseling would be good. It seems like you both may have past issues to deal with plus issues that you may need to address constructively with your parnter. I hope things go well. Things CAN change.

[SweetCrusader]

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[Wants2Fly]

Counseling sounds like a constructive first step, Poppet, if he will agree. If he doesn't, it is right to help yourself without him and deal with your issues.

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[yinperson]

hi poppet... Just for a little masculine light on this... Those internet sites and their names are crude and loveless no doubt about it... They are built and run by immature "men" who have not developed in themselves and awakened to I-thou relationships... (or if they ever have have been hurt and are wallowing in addiction) However I do not believe everyone who visits these crude sites falls under this definition by any means... First you must understand men... Men are (as ken wilber states in brief history of evertything) saddled with the biological nightmare of testosterone almost from day one... On average men have 10 times as much testosterone as women... Women when given injections of testosterone for medical purposes say "Icant stop thining about sex and please make this stop" Anyway testosterone does not justify this behavior by any means... And yet sometimes I believe men will visit these crude sites as an addictive substitute for intimacy (and also sex)...(I have heard internet pornography and pictures refered to as sexual crack and I would have to agree) Addiction is a way of escaping from the pain and challenge of life... And if you know anything about addiction you know how it progresses... The reason some of these sites are so crude is because the person needs more and more to give the same biochemical rush... And I would think that most owners of these sites are probably addicts themeselves (and oftentimes probably not just sex addicts... narcotics probably bring it all to shocking levels of crudeness because of the insatiable need for a bigger kick for the same rush) this is addiction and the only endgame is stepping out of that "diabolical" downward spiral.... But as I was saying I do not believe all people who visit these sites have traveled down that spiral as far as the web page owners have... (And most of the webowners were probably never that high up in the spiral in their own development in the first place) And on some level it is just plain male curiousity and desire to view, to gaze... Ideally men would never look at mere pictures and also would discipline themselves away from sexual gazing in general(particurly objectifying sexual gazing alone which is particularily offensive and crude) . But the reality of tesosterone means that to some degree at least men are going to almost unconsciously respond to the beauty of women... I believe that this can be sublimated and transmuted to a degree that is entirely nonsexual and becomes instead loving compassionate embrace... (this is my personal ideal) But real guys in the real world are going to make mistakes as they grow into (if they so desire) this higher better good estate... For now all depends on who your partner is... You know his qualities... You know if he is good... Is he under stress? internet pictures = an escape from stress.... Intimacy with a partner (emotional mental spiritual) is also a means to cope with stress. Is this channel open for him in his life? And if not in his human relationship does he have a spiritual relationship with a Higher Power? Another aspect of this curiosity is the breaking loose of sexual repression that has been occuring over last 30 or so years in AMerica. A lot of the curiousity stems from this breaking away as we learn to befriend and hopefully (if not derailed by addiction) integrate our shadows. I have no idea how I would work this out between the two of you if I were in your shoes... I guess I would probably talk to him about it ask him about it but I don't know if you are comfortable and mutual enough in your relationship to do so... I heard a Dr. Laura show recently where a woman called Dr. Laura with same problem as you... She was erasing temporary files on computer and saw all the sites listed... Dr. Laura asked about the frequency... The woman said it appeared that it was 3-4 times/ week... Dr. Laura said if it was totally infrequent then maybe not confront him (though for me if you are mutual enough I would say of course talk about it) but at 3-4 times/ week (which is what the woman estimated) definately needed to be addressed... However this woman also talked of her husbands high sex drive that she tried her best to accomodate... If your husband does not have a spiritual ideal he is striving for then he believes (being a part of our culture) that it is normal to find sexual fulfilment (whatever that is)(not that it is impossible if done right) For myself, though I don't think repression or emotional difficulties are a good reason for celibacy and the like I am for an ideal where actual sex plays a very subdued (some partners perhaps only have sex for purpose of having children or else practice a natural restraint and moderation) or even non-existent role in life. and so my only help here is to bring up the reality of guys (who are hardwired with testosterone and desire to gaze in contrast to women who desire to be gazed upon... just not as an inert object)... And though it would depend on seeing who he is in life (is he honest compassionate a good man)... well if he manifests all of these qualities just because he visited a site like this does not mean that he is the big bad wolf and that he himself would ever create such a site... For a man with this testosterone monkey on his back Internet sex pictures is a real temptation that not a few have succumbed to at one time or another. We all have these shadow repressed elements within us of course. Ideally these are owned and integrated and we move one... And if we do not integrate them and get caught in a addictive cycle we should be compassionate with ourselves or our partner if he is struggling to overcome this nightmare or kick his *** if he isn't (so to speak) Most mature human beings have grown into compassion and mutual regard and love which totally offsets these mistakes and finally with integration will embraces these elements and move on... On the other hand because internet sex sites can be the sexual equivalent of crack seeming small transgressions can be the equivilant of termites in the base of 3-4 story home... Thats why though I am compassionately liberal I myself take a hard-line "conservative" idealism as the best bet for individual and relational harmony... What I mean by this is that usually this kind of behavior and especially the crudeness goes against the person's ideal and conscience (again if he has one- I am not sure if some of the site operators have well developed conscience)... behaving like this causes disharmony in the individual and concomitately of course in the relation and within the partner as well...

Anyways I am so sorry for the hurt feelings... We guys in our higher nature or in our hearts really do not want to be any part of "causing" that hurt... Its just this testosterone nighmare that we carry on our backs... The best of us work on it and sublimate this drive into higher love and creativity and achievment and embrace (frued himself, while he did not recognize the spiritual dimension of life called sublimation the only mature defense)... There are nasties in the world but dont let this get you down about god and the universe and men and everything and everybody... God is goodness beauty love and truth... we humans are working our way slowly but surely into these deeper realities... I really think that perfect itimacy in only found when God or Higher Power is the center... And only when 2 individuals tune together to this uncoditional love will unconditional loving perfect intimacy prevail... It is heartbreaking and hurts more than I can imagine to sense a break in the intimacy you do know with your partner... I hope that you do not look upon your partner as some sleaze.. I think it would be good to think of all of your partners wonderful qualities until a balanced view prevails (see Paramahansa Yogananda) I do believe that only by tuning into God's unconditional intimacy can we find true intimacy in our lives.

see this website for interesting light http://www.tantrainatlanta.com/heali..._fetishes.html

[Poppet]

First off, come here for hugs.......
(((((((((((esthersvirtue))))))))))))
(((((((((((ozzie))))))))))))))
((((((((((sweetcrusader))))))))))
(((((((((((wants2fly))))))))))))
(((((((((((yinperson))))))))
Thankyou so much, I know its a subject that may not sit well for everyone and I appreciate your replies.

About counselling, I am 'in it' at the moment but feel I can't talk about this with him. And my partner (P) is currently 'shopping' for a counsellor, so we'll see how he goes.

I felt uncomfortable when P got in from work last night, but decided not to mention it - I couldn't face the upset. In bed, I lay there thinking 'be strong, yes, he is a good person, time will pass, now put it to the back of your mind'.

I am OK today (plodding along). Ultimately, I just had to open my heart and mind to accept it (I have accepted it before) as a consequence of my illness and lack of availability for sex. Worse things happen at sea, eh ? He is not a bad person. The crude words hurt me more because of past stuff and that is for me to deal with. I have a lot of good things in my life.

Yinperson, Hi, welcome and what a lot you put !
It was very interesting and a male view was good to have (not that I don't like female views too ).

Interesting to see how 'testosterone abundance' can be a hindrance to a male. Its easy to think men like it but maybe for some its a burden (for P perhaps).

P has very good qualities, reliable, sensitive, loving - all I like in a man. He is under stress and the idea of internet pics as an escape sounds possible. Our relationship is close (apart from sex, although it was before) but he does not have a spiritual side. His main 'connection' is with me.

I understand what you say about the 'shadow' side. We have discussed it before and I have had to adjust and expand my views - hard to do but OK because I am openminded about sex in general and not easily shocked.

I think what happened last night was around the words used, my mind is damaged by those words anyway and just seeing them and thinking 'does he like that crudeness, then ?' and imagining all sorts......just hit me.

The sites had been looked at 3-4 times in past week. The secrecy thing also has echoes of past hurts by others - so, as you can imagine, theres a lot of tangles there !!!!

to you all for listening, I can't share this sort of thing in real life.

Take care............Poppet

[yinperson]

Thank you very much for your kind welcome... I really appreciate the depth and understanding and care with which you are looking at all of this...

[phoenix30]

((((((((poppet)))))))
Thinking about you - I've been in a similar situation! x

((((((((((Poppet))))))))))

I must say that I think the counseling is a good idea if he will agree to it. Maybe even couples therapy would help. You shouldn't feel badly about what sex life you do or don't have. It's your body and your mind... not his. Have you been able to discuss this with him yet? I hope things will get better for you and for him. Take care.

[Poppet]

((((((((((Yinperson))))))))))
(((((((((Phoenix)))))))))))
((((((((Ryan)))))))))))))

Thanks all of you. Although I am feeling quite bad physically at the moment, my mind is relatively happy and I don't want to bring the issue up with him.

Call it burying my head in the sand, but that's what feels right in this instance for me to do. I have got comfort from telling you all about it, and reflecting on how it isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things.

I am fighting with not feeling bad about me posting on here about it because I am doing this in secret. I believe in being as open as you can with your partner and here I am sharing this in secret. !

I am working on seperating 'a good man who needs sexual release' from 'men who look at porn sites are sleazy'. I'll get there.

Some sleazy men do go on these sites, some men have an interest with cruelty and degradation in mind. But I know my partner is not like that. I guess he is like many others who use it if they are not able to get the sex they want IRL.

I feel all this is a knock-on effect of my depression, fatigue and medication. Before that I liked sex and things were fine.

I have the illness, but my partner is suffering and having to adapt to our changed life too. Hard for us both. We still love each other, thankfully !

Its so easy to think that everyone else out there is 'doing it' regularly, but I bet in reality more ppl are having probs than aren't, specially in longer term relationships. But, generally, it isn't talked about.

Well, thanks again for being interested.
Be happy, chicks and chickesses..............Poppet

[kittykat_kezzz_purrr_meow]

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP POPPET.

Truth is your partner has more then likely been into pornography & more before you came along. What you don't see is this is "his" sickness, not yours.
When a guy gets into pornography to the extremes, it becomes an addiction & yes, people can get addicted to porn as well. But be careful, I know from experience, with some, adult porn becomes boring & sadly this is where child porn can come onto the scene.
I'm sorry if I just freaked anyone out, but the reality is we are living in a world of sexual sickness to & porn don't help it!!!
Take care Poppet, am sorry you have to deal with it to

Kezzz

Hey Poppet, I'm glad that you're feeling better about this issue. And if you start to feel like this again, remember your own words... "We still love each other." I woulnd't be ashamed about telling his secret on here. Everyone has to have a place where they can talk about things that are bothering them. As a matter of fact, if you were ever to talk to him about this, you have the advise that was offered here to pick and choose from. Take care.

[Wants2Fly]

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[Poppet]

Kezzz, Ryan and Wants2fly

I can't say much, not feeling good but I need to let you know I appreciate your replies. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Kezzz, he isn't into it in extremes. And me and him are very aware of the evils of child abuse, that doesn't apply. But I appreciate you bringing it up, it is disturbing and some ppl may close their eyes to it. I agree about the world of sexual sickness 100 per cent !

Hope you are having good days ? Take care.....Poppet

Hun, I'm sorry that you're feeling badly. Is it related to this issue? Sorry if that's a silly question. I hope you feel better. Hugz.

Ry