I feel sick inside!!

We had a huge party at our house. A band and all. My husband is a person who never touches or hugs anyone. A girl at his work was at the party. He is always talking about her to the point where I get sick of hearing her name. I have been trying real hard to think that they are good friends. O.K. at our party he danced with her, then they stood holding hands and talking to people. This is a man who won't hold hands with his daughter or hug his son. I have never felt jealous in all the 31 years we have been married, but a red light came on then. I asked him, the next day if something was going on, and he became very angry with me. He has her cell phohe number in his cell,and says she is his best friend. My best friends told me that it wasn't right for her to stand and hold his hand like that. I am really torn up because he just does not ever do this. I guess I need opinions. It is just a sick gut feeling.

i am asumming that his anger was a part if guilt, trying to make out you were in the wrong

tell him if he wants a female for a bestfriend he needs limits, like not holding hands he wouldnt do that with a male bestfriend, also explain how it looked to you and your friends and children

I'd sure be watching him real close! I might start with explaining to him how bad it feels that he won't show that kind of affection to his kids but he does to someone outside the family? It's just not right!

And if he needs a best friend, that's what you're there for!

I would be steaming if I were you!

It is worrisome that you all have different "best friends" than each other. Doesn't sound like there is a lot of good communication? I don't know if he was maybe introducing her to other people at the party? I could see if they danced then he "pulled her over" to a group of other people he wanted to introduce her to or that they knew from work, etc. and kept her hand for a moment. It might be okay that it was "public" and at his own house? Not a real "intimate" time?

But getting angry with you for asking about it wasn't a good response unless there's some defensiveness there. Do you know any of the people he works with enough to know how they act at work? What is her position at work relative to his? If they work together on projects or if she reports to him (or he, to her), I can see his having her number in his cell but it does come down to that "best friend" comment, doesn't it? Especially if you don't know her well too.

My "gut" feelings are almost always right. I know the exact sick feeling you are experiencing. And why would your husband get mad over the question you asked, unless he was feeling guilty. I can not believe his lack of respect for you and others at the party to display affection toward this girl. Whether he is usually affectionate or not. I think his actions have made it obvious he has something going on with the girl. After so many years of marriage I can not understand anyone treating their partner that way. If he wanted to be with someone else he should be a man and be honest! I would not want to stay around for the rest of his show! The man is a creep and other words not allowed on this site! I hope you will not allow him to continue his affairs in front of you. If it is any comfort she wont be around long anyway. Im sure she will break his heart when she finds someone else. You know she has no class or self respect if she would behave that way with a married man,

Your red light is something you should listen to. There is no way a guy who has been married 31 years would ever go around holding a females (can't call her a lady) hand unless there was something going on.

You should be his best friend & if he has another famale as a best friend...there is trouble there anyway. There should be no other female in his life after 31 years of marriage than you.

I know that I worked with all guys in my engineering career. They were definitely good friends (I was married at the time) & some of them I was able to talk with about things I never talked to my husband about....however.....it never became physical....NEVER!!!!

As soon as a friendship becomes physical there is a problem. I would definitely confront him & let him know that what he is doing isn't ok within a marriage & if he wants to be that close of friends with another female, then the marriage is over!!!!!! Don't let him excuse his actions away by saying that they all do it at work or any other kind of BS. It isn't true & all you are getting is excuses for behavior that isn't appropriate while he is married...whether best friend or not....whether just holding hands of not....IT's wrong while he's married to you.

I would definitely set the limits & let him know that if he wants to go beyond those bounds, then it's over. I know you probably aren't interested in getting a divorce at this point, but his actions are point to that even though he probably wants both you (the stable relationship) & the fun one. It isn't right & it isn't fair to you. I wouldn't let it go on one moment longer.

Debbie

CJR.....The thing about all this that stands out to me is that they had the nerve to act like this in YOUR home at YOUR party. I mean heavens, what were they thinking??? Was it done intentionally to tick you off? to show you up? to make you feel uncomfortable? Whatever the reason...your gut feeling is screaming loud and clear that there is a problem in your marriage.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. How painful it must have been to see your husband acting like this. I truly hope you can pull yourself together and confront him with your feelings and expectations of your marriage. Be prepared for anything.....acceptance of his behavior by him or complete anger and denial that he was doing anything wrong. Also be prepared that you will be going through a huge range of emotions.

I wish you well CJR

sabby

CRJ...I agree with what everyone else has said here. It would make me ill.
Love
Patty

I saw a counselor yesterday and he said I had every reason to doubt since this is not usual behavior for him. I am very sick inside and hubby is very angry with me. He says it has never been physical and I can believe that, but he says that he is not sure how he feels about her, that if he wants, he will ask to to our house. Well, I talk to the counselor angain on Wednesday.

He doesn't have to know how he feels about her, he needs to get clear how he feels about you! That and it's your house too so is discourteous, if nothing else, to bring over someone you don't "like".

(((((((((((((( CJR520 ))))))))))))))

I am putting one foot in front of the other right now, and I can hardly eat. Yesterday, a favorite song of ours was playing and I pulled him into his garage (we were outside working) and starting slow dancing with him and he cried.I will hope and pray that things will turn around for the best. I dearly love this man with all my heart!!

I wish you the best, CJ! My heart aches for you.

One foot in front of the other is good for now. Keep on, keepin' on.

I don't believe anything physical happened between them, but a wife knows things. The counselor agreed with my feelings. I am working on it. Hubby knows how I feel, and I will stand my ground. I would never leave my home and what we have worked for for 31 years. I want our marriage to work, and for him to reason things out in his male brain! Men and woman do think differently. The counselor was real cute, and pointed to his little bald head, and said "we guys are dense sometimes". There has to be some humor or we would never make it through this life! I appreciate all of you in here for just being here with me. We all need to stick together and help each other all we can.

31 years huh, well not exactly newly weds there.

I'm going on 35 and I have some female aquaintences and that is all they are. I wouldn't be walking around holding hands with a female in front of my wife, that's for damn sure, if everything was ok. He was subtily telling you that you have a problem. You guys need to talk, and most ricky tick, if not sooner.

Everone needs someone to talk to and it is nice to have the other sex' point of view. Sometimes we can't talk to each other frankly and that is ok but, holding her hand in front of you is not cool. It is a slap in the face. The broad has a lot of gall do do such a thing, what kind of slut is she?
If it is an affair then they are a brazen pair of birds, they are.

You know, it's a possibility that she's actually very insecure and that's why she allowed this man to keep hold of her hand. She doesn't necessarily need to be a "slut."

Just a thought.

I have been to counseling twice, now, and I really am sure that there was nothing physical. I just plain told hubby that I didn't want anyone elses ugly germs, and if that would happen, I would want to see my doctor like right now!! He was angry and so was I. He was angry because I was checking up on him, really looking through things in our house and cars, his shop. So what, everything here is ours and I told him he could look through my purse, on the computer, in drawers, wherever. I have nothing to hide. I am not going anywhere, have planned Thanksgiving dinner with the family at our house, etc. The rules for me are that she never lays her hands on him again, never comes to our home again, and she best stay out of my sight. I will go to his company Christmas party with him like always, and if she offers a hand or a hug, I will loudly say, Keep your hands off of my man!! Plain and simple.I have 31 years invested in this man that I dearly love. I am glad that we had this party and this came to my attention. I know that he feels pretty foolish, and I guess she and her friend, who is another divorcee, are not speaking to him at all now. All I can say is "Good" If she makes a move in the wrong direction, it could cost her job, because this company does not screw around! I have said nothing, but I am capable!!!

You sound like you're feeling vindictive. Can't say as I blame you, but it would be in your best interest to not sound or act that way to your husband. It would only serve to drive him away even further. That's not what you want if you are defending your marriage and your relationship with him. It gives him something to rationalize his behavior with. What you need to do is calm down and be as sweet and thoughtful as you can. If there is anything for him to feel guilty about, that is sure to do it! He'll feel bad about what he's done and will certainly be more receptive to making his relationship with you work.

CRJ,
I agree with Septermber. It may be hard for you to hear, but your husband is not an innocent in this. It is not good to think you have to "protect" him. His job is to give you ultimate assurance and it is not your job to go around picking fights with the woman.
Patty

I know you guys are right. Guess I was blowing off some steam. It is really hard, now, to stay where I am, and just try to be my normal self. I am going about my business as usual, although I am here for him, too. He has to work things out himself, now. I do love him, but he has to make his own decisions in his own head!

CRJ, sweetie,
I hope I didn't sound too harsh or like I was chastizing you.
You have a huge investment in time and emotion with your husband, and I wish you all the comfort and assurance that you deserve.
Love
Patty

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CJR520 said:
and says she is his best friend.

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His best friend should be you. It is very important for people to be friends before they are married and continue to be friends even after the I do's. My wife and I are best friends and we always will be. I will be praying for you I know how hard it can be.

Thank You!! When I talked about best friends before, I meant people I had been friends with for lots of years and raised kids with,etc. I see that you really understand that. My best and dearest friend is my hubby! I hope that he can just get her out of his mind, but you never know, and it is a really strange feeling for me. It will take me some time to sort it all out. Thanks again!

She may be insecure so she held hands with another woman's husband? Oh, please give me a break. The woman is a border line slut, period. All this be gentle, your husband may not know, blah, blah, is so funny.

How many people have you counseled in marriage? I have thousands under my counseling. A person that is touchy feely with another's spouse is not innocent. They know and either they don't care or, they are sluts.

I think you are right on!! That is how I feel, and she will not ever come on this farm again unless I am dead, period!! Thank You!! You make me feel sane !!