Younger men

Shangrala if you love the man than so be it. I was very young when I got married, and yes statistically me and the ex fell into this category. I even had people telling me don't do it, but did I listen? no. I wasn't to concerned with numbers or what other people had to say. This is a good example of when you go eat at a restaurant, the cook already knows that he can't please everybody. You live your life the way you want to live it. If you find someone who can't except it, than that is their issue, not yours.

No problem....I used to be so stricked about everything....I think that's why I missed so much opportunities in my life....life is so short to be so stricked on it....I remembered that my sister used to date a guy 5 years younger than her and we were all disagreed with her....she was in her late 20s when she stop dating him and then she found somebody online and got married and have two kids now....her current husband is same age as her....but I think she loved the ex boyfriend.....and the ex boyfriend got married with my sister's friend....I can't even imagine how much pain she would felt although she was married already.....
sometimes, I blame myself partually for her break up with that young guy...and then I start dating a guy 4 years younger than me and got even married with him....
life is a true mistry, and we are the victims....
Actually, I found out I'm more into younger guys than older ones....I get more connected with young guys or the ones that are in my age, because I'm so hyperactive, but interesting that my ex husband who was four years younger than me had very little sex drive and he was not active at all....I wasted so much of my life with him.....but that's what it is...you got to pay the price to get the experience!
take care of yourself and don't let others get into your personal life....as long as you are happy and he is happy that's important....
with love
Marjan

It is true...the happiness between the couple is all what really matters.

All the case studies, all the probabilities, possibilities and outside influences of society can't determine the fate of a couple.

The opinions of others is not a criteria of mine. I listen with respect, and continue on my path. That is how I've always been. Even in my youth, when the advice of my elders probably would have been quite helpful.

I never viewed age as a number. However, I was always partial to those who were at least 5 years older and attracted to those 10+ older. For me, that was a normal thing. I never even questioned why..it was just as it was. But, I think because of this history of choices of age is why I had questioned my connection to Kristian, and our extremely opposite involvement of age range.
(Lesson here is....Never question Love as it IS).

What works for one person cannot be the recipe for another.
My dad was 7 years younger than my mom. They married when he was 22 and she was 29. (Dated eachother for only 3 months before marrying). Against the odds, they survived an enitre life together until her passing 14 years ago. However, I cannot say that it was a life that my mom loved. She was clinically depressed, severe anger issues regarding her youth and quite the heavy disciplinarian. If it were up to her, she would have left the marriage after her 5th child, (I am 6th).

However, divorce was uncommon then and not really accepted by society. Then, the vows of "honor and obey", "for better or for worse" were the rules. Back then, once married, it WAS a life sentence, without room for questioning..period. (Although, what I still don't understand is the fact that she knew she was miserable, wanted out, resented her position in life, yet she had another 5 more kids, anyway). Abortion or birth control were not accepted back then, especially in the Catholic society, which more than likely explains why 5 more were added.
It's no wonder she was so angry and tired. Yet, she is one of the most honorable and nobel persons I have known to date.
Throughout it all, dad proved himself as responsible, reliable, dependable and attentive. He was able to maintain a youthfulness about him that inspired the playfulness and silliness with us kids, (lol..kids), which compensated for what mom clearly could not offer. It seemed balanced. But again, back then the business of the burden of the parents were not displayed among the children, (quite the opposite in most cases now).

There was a time when mom told me, (during that one year that we actually were talking to eachother. A very short-lived bonding. I think I was around 26, or so), about her paths lived, choices made and reasons for such choices. I never cried for another as much as I had for her at that time.
How sorrowful for someone to have to settle for a lifetime of such unhappiness and misery. By the time divorce was more common, (and seemingly accepted by our society), mom was far too old to even consider the idea. By that time, all 10 of us kids were grown and long since moved out. She saw no point of seeking her own placement for herself as she felt she was nearing her journey's end, anyway. She was simply waiting for her passage, which she welcomed with open arms.
When she died, I did not grieve her passage much. Instead, I was grateful for her, that she was finally given something that she wanted for herself, even if that meant moving on through death.

Even though, throughout my life I have always been too stubborn, (or too stupid..sometimes, I don't see much of a difference), to 'conform' to the rules of what our society demands, I've learned through my mom's experience, (and I was fortunate that we had that one brief time of bonding, long enough for her to openly pass onto me her wisdom..(athough, I don't really think she intended it to be that, I received it as such, anyway).

Time is precious. We get one chance, one time around. And to conduct our own lives under the scrutiny of other's is absolute madness.

Evey single one of us is busy within our own selves as we struggle to merge that with the neverending pressures from those outside of ourselves. There is no set exactness that works for all. We all must first contend to that from within our own FIRST in order TO manage the pressures from those outside ourselves.

The journey of our own individual lives begin with the cry through our own first breath at birth. (No one else will breathe for you).
So should the remainder of our own journey be that with our mind through our own thoughts and choices. (No one else should think for you).

I am a 50 year old woman proudly chosing to share my life with a 28 year old man who is more than deserving of the person I am, (and visa versa).
There will be hardships and struggles, and undoubtedly a point where our sanity of choice WILL be questioned. No matter. Love will conquer all which awaits us throughout our journey together.

And, for any of those who question why I would choose someone so much my junior..perhaps, think maybe how fortunate I am TO have someone half my age who loves me as unconditonal as he does. Yay Me!..and lucky him...lol.

Thanks for all of the support from all of you.
Happy journeys for you all, as well.

Shangrala

((((((((((((((( Shangrala & Kristian )))))))))))))))))))

May you both find the love and happiness that you deserve. Having been married to a man 21 years my junior, I can attest to how well things can go. Having been married 3 times in my life, I can also attest that no matter what the age of your spouse compared to you, it either works or it doesn't for whatever reason.

If we all lived our lives according to statistical numbers and findings we certainly would be missing out on many different experiences in our lives. Some people may be happy to live that way as it may afford them a sense of security. I, personally would rather live my life with open eyes and mind to be able to experience all that I can before I leave this world. As the old saying goes, "nothing ventured, nothing gained". Even if an experience doesn't turn out to be the best, there are still lessons to be learned from that experience that can certainly be positive.

I wish you both the best Shangrala. I pray that your immigration experience goes so much better than mine did. I realize now that we went about things improperly and it really hurt our chances of getting him here. Lesson learned: research research research!! LOL

Be well!

sabby

Thanks so much, sabby.
I'm only sorry that yours had to result in such an ending...even an ending at all, for that matter.
And yes, research combined with legal guidance will assist us to obtaining what we are striving for.

Experience is the best teacher. And although your experience came after the fact, (resulting in your loss), it is still very much my teacher.

We both thank you so much for sharing with us.

Take care~

Shangrala

Hi Marjan,

Wow...Do you honestly think you really know me?

Nope!!!

So let me answer your statement which is quoted above.

No... Marjan I am definitely not harsh about life, love or marriage. Au contraire, my dear!! I live life with a high degree of joie de vivre!

I am just not a gambler. I am realistic that's all.

Regarding what I said about 2nd and 3rd marriages... let's just put it this way... if you bought a bus ticket and the ticket agent told you:

"You might not want to board that bus because it crashes 80 - 90% of the time ."

Would you get on the bus or not?

I wouldn't.

Likewise... if you were thinking of a second marriage... would you try it, knowing that statistically second marriages have a 80 - 90% chance of failure??

(BTW...please read the article that I posted earlier because it mentions these stats)

You might Marjan because that's you.

As for me, I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Like I said... I am not a gambler, except in cases where I can bet a small amount and the payout is high.

That's why I would prefer playing Black Jack, Roulette or Texas Hold'em at Las Vegas over getting married multiple times, lol. I also buy "Mega Millions" lottery tickets on occasion too when the jackpot is over $100 million.

Peppermint Patty

My dear Peppermint,

You can go ahead and make choices for your life....that's your life...I've been married once and I'm looking to fine a partner again...and if the second or forth or fifth marriage doesn't work, I won't give up still...that's who I am...I'm brave enough to get into a relationship, and if it's not working, I get upset, I cry, or whatever, but still I have hope to find another person...I don't think I want to give up at all....that's who I am...probably, that's most scientist are, they spend most of their lives to experience, some will reach to their goals and some won't....
I believe there is not just one way for life...and not everybody has to live the same....
Also, I have to point it out that most of your writings in this thread made people upset...actually, your opinion didn't make people upset the way that you say it is so offencive!
And, I questioned myself...why? why do you want to make people upset?
Then I found out that you may not realize it...but if you go back and read them again, you will find out!
with love
Marjan

<<<<Shangrala>>>>

You do have a beautiful mind....Kristine is one lucky guy....enjoy your moments with him...
We don't know how much time we have in this world....I found out most people are spending more time thinking about others what they think about them...and ironically most people are not happy at all....
I'm trying to set myself free.......

take care and celebrate your love
Marjan

Hi Shangrala

If you are referring to the very dismal statistics of 2nd and subsequent marriages, it would be interesting to know why these fail at such a high rate.

Perhaps the parties don't take the marriage vows as seriously the second, third, fourth, etc time around???

Or...

Perhaps there are some (and considering the statistics of failed marriages.. there could even be a large number of people) who are not cut out for marriage??? Just as it is true that everyone cannot possibly be a professional sculptor, musician, or a baseball player???

Or...

Perhaps marriage is just a doomed and outdated institution???

After all... when one thinks about it... marriage has only been about love for the last 2 to 2.5 centuries.

Before that, it was an arrangement to bolster or maintain one's (or that of one's family) financial and/or social standing/power. Love did exist, but it typically was a byproduct of an arranged marriage.

Also... many times women really had no choice but to be married because economically speaking it was impossible to make it on their own.

So yeah... I don't really know what the answer is... as to why the divorce rate is so high now.. but it is an interesting topic for study and discussion, nonetheless!

I agree with you on the 2nd paragraph.

Perhaps... but I also think that many people (not all) start to see how the age difference negatively impacts the relationship too.

For example, I have seen a few 20 something women marry guys who are in their 40's.

While these marriages "may" work ("may" being the operative word here)... as the couple grows older... and the woman is in her 40's and the guy is in his 60's... she "may" start to see things as:

"Gee.. he doesn't understand me. He's in a whole different generation."

or...

"He's no fun anymore. He's always tired or not feeling well."

And he "may" start to feel the same way as in:

"She doesn't understand me. She's in a whole different generation."

or...

"I'd just like to relax, I am tired.. but she wants to go here and there. Why can't we just have a quiet time at home?"

And pretty soon... they begin to have less and less in common and the marriage eventually just comes to an end.

Anyway... it's JMO... but I don't think marriage whether its one's first or eighth (like TV and radio host Larry King, lol) is supposed to last forever, anyway.

I think people are sort of like trees. We are always growing and changing throughout our lives.

And speaking from my experience of growing up on a farm, two trees typically do not grow very well over the long haul if they are planted too close together.

Either it is one tree that grows at the expense of the other or they both fail to grow well.

Likewise... IMHO, people are like this too.

When I see a marriage that has lasted for 50 years or longer, I often wonder which person had to do the most sacrificing in order to make the marriage work.

And that's why I personally think a long and happy marriage-- where both parties are EQUALLY happy with their lives and the choices they made, is such a very, very rare thing.

PPatty....

You offer alot of researched information, which has its value, sure.
But, unless I've simply overlooked it, I have yet to read anything from you which even directs LOVE itself, (whether through your textbooks & research findings, or even from yourself).

With ANY relationship, there has to be love, (among all the other goodies, of course...lol). It is as simple as that. And although your case studies and concluded statistics are interesting, they are missing the main ingredient.. emotions.

If everyone were to make their choices by what all these cold, calloused and rigid studies provide, those 'statistics' would certainly be far higher.
Love is what's needed, and that's something which your studies and statistics lack.

I don't mean to sound harsh or offensive, (not my intention). But, it just occurred to me that while most of these discussions througout this thread were about choices of age, age variance, and our experiences, the majority of them also included emotions in them, as well.

The one statement you made:
When I see a marriage that has lasted for 50 years or longer, I often wonder which person had to do the most sacrificing in order to make the marriage work.
My first reaction was, how sad that the first thing you think of is something so cynical and negative.

To me, when I see the same, the first thing I think of is "How wonderful", "How fortunate"....and I can only wish that I will be as blessed as they have been, as well.
That couple who has had such a long life together HAS that one ingredient, (among all those other goodies..lol)....LOVE. And bless their hearts.
I can only hope the same for you Patty, (as for us all). That someday love will present itself to you, as well. We all needs.

Also, the second statement of yours:
And that's why I personally think a long and happy marriage-- where both parties are EQUALLY happy with their lives and the choices they made, is such a very, very rare thing.
I think that maybe the measure of equality shouldn't be placed on just happiness alone, as that would seemingly only result imbalanced as every one of us have different perceptions of happiness.
But maybe, the equality should be more placed on the overall success of the "whole", (IF a measurement should need to be applied at all).
It would seem to me, however, once a relationship has reached long and prosperous into their years, I'd be more interested in seeking out their recipe for success....lol, because, yes, it is a very blessed unity.

Take care~

Shangrala

Shangrala,

No I don't see it as negative or cynical... I just think of it as realistic.

I view life & love objectively.. I do not view such things with rose colored glasses while listening to soft music under the glow of candlelight, lol.

I will agree with you... there is probably some degree of love present in those marriages, but I will also go on to say that it probably came at a very steep price to one of the parties in the relationship.

Looking at the people celebrating their golden aniversaries today in 2009... these were folks who got married in 1959. They consist of that group that made an awful lot of sacrifices.

They were willing to stuff down their goals and desires for the sake of their partner's. Part of their reason for doing so was cultural (divorce was an unthinkable act and very uncommon) and also because there was still was a lot of economic and social disparity between the genders.

Anyway... I don't think most people are willing to sacrifice themselves or their goals as much nowadays and that is a good thing IMHO as marriage really should be an equal partnernship.

In addition... while there is still some disparity between the genders... there are a lot more opportunities for women to walk away from the relationship and successfully make it on their own.

Speaking of which... It's interesting to note that statistically, the majority of divorces are now initiated by women.

I think that stat speaks volumes about how much women and even our culture as a whole has changed in the last 20 - 30 years!!

And IMHO... the way things are going it wouldn't surprise me in the future that at some point 10 & 20 year wedding anniversaries start to get celebrated in the same way as 50th wedding anniversaries do now. I say this just because it looks like marriage longevity has taken (and is continuing to take) a sharp decrease over the last few decades.

It will be interesting to see if 30 years from now there will be anyone from my generation celebrating their 50th.

Maybe there will be just a few... but my guess is that it certainly will not be anywhere near the numbers of people celebrating that milestone today -- who got married in 1959 or earlier.

Peppermint

Peppermint Patty, Most people really aren't to concerned with what other people do. This seems to bother you for some reason. If you want to live your life with statistics that's ok, but why would it bother you if someone else chooses not to? These are two people who are of legal age to do as they please. If this was a case of a teenager under the legal age than it would be a problem. We are human beings, we live,learn, and make mistakes.

I'm totally agree with you jerrymichele...

Once again.....

Thank you all so much for your support and shared opinions.

You've all been great.

Shangrala

Thank you ED~

I apprecitate your composure and redirecting this to the topic of post.

However, there is something that I'd like to say regarding the behavior of the lil inner battle that has been waged within this thread, (and seen on other parts of the site, as well).

WE, (the people in general), are ALL, (the whole as in quantitiy), here to help EACH OTHER, (every one of two or more), with the issues that we all have.

There is not one single person here any greater or lesser than the other. It is our personal issues that we are strugging within ourselves which may/may not create the variance between us. That is the ONLY difference which seperates any of us.

With that said, it is extremely unfair for any ONE of us to conduct themselves as though they are, in fact, superior to another.

It has been the attention that, there is conducted behavior among us which suggests that other members here are lesser. THAT is behavior that is not only absolutely unacceptable, but can be extremely harmful to members who are over-sensitive to such conduct.

Even if such member who is feeling superior doesn't intend harm..how do they REALLY know how their behavior is affecting those who are over-sensitive? They don't. It can be as a result from those who are sensitive won't speak up, or maybe will not understand how to receive it. They might scare off, and quite possibly not return. Hard to say.
Or, it's possible that it is not of interest to the person who is feeling superior how their behavior is affecting others. Or, possibly, a combination of them both.
Regardless, it is unnecessary, and should not be tolerated out of respect to ALL the members here.

It is my discovery that, the best way to reach someone, by which, providing them a sense of security is by making our own selves vulnerable to them in the process.

It would seem to me that, if I were to willingly announce the the fact that I acknowledge myself as seperate from all the other's here, (and considering the main fact that this IS a support site), then it would seem that there are members here who just might receive me as a threat, and that is not fair to those members. AND it should not be their problem to deal with, (they are here BECAUSE of the problems they are ALREADY stuggling with).

Who in God's name then, would I be to conduct myself as though it is the responsibility of other's here to just "learn to deal with my conduct"? That, it "isn't my fault that they don't know how to deal with me". Yet, I continue to insist that I am here to help?

~Keep in mind, this is only my assumption, however, I am trying to address this for the whole~

This is a touchy issue. As everyone has a right to be here. We all are, after all, equal.
I suppose all that I'm attempting to say is that, for anyone here who actually believes and conducts themselves as though they are above all of us others, then perhaps for the sake of the whole, it would be best to find other avenues, (and sites), to project yourself?

Does that make any sense?

This seems troublesome to me that this is behavior is taking place within a site that is meant to find a sense of refuge & security, and compassionate support BY us ALL.
Maybe I'm seeing too much into this..but I really don't think so.

Btw~ED...Yes! You spelled my name correctly....lol....Take care.

Anyway~

Shangrala

Awesome! You go girl!

AWWwww....Thank you sooo much, dot!!
I feel giddy now......lols.

Shangrala

It would be appreciated if this thread could get back to the OP's original discussion of younger men.

Any discussion regarding personal issues between members, should be taken privately through pm and not discussed publicly on the forums.

If anyone has concerns or issues with safety/bullying etc, please feel free to pm me or any other mod/admin for help and learning how to keep yourself safe on PC. We'll be happy to assist anyone with this!

sabby

Saw this thread (original post) and hesitated to post...but here goes...

I'm a younger man married to a somewhat older woman (time has made the age difference moot). We met at 23/31 and married at 24/32. She had given up looking for a life's parter and I was preoccupied with other issues when me bumped into one another. We're about to celebrate our 26th anniversary (y'all can do the math).

Naiveté is a special gift of mine. Our relationship had really started to blossom before I learned she was eight years older. At first I was taken aback, but the fact I had seen a similar relationship grow to success earlier gave me courage to continue. I'm as confident in our mutual choice today as I was the day we married.

I think most people would describe us as a boring couple, especially now that depression and other stuff has floored me. As it stands, my health is giving out faster than hers.

For all who are seeking, may you find "your heart's choice."

This is a sweet story.

If you're going for the pair bond, I think you're better off w/ someone in the proximity of your own peer group. Connection matters alot, but its chemical punch tends to burn up in increments as a liason travels along.
If you're going for the babies and the household and all that-the May/December (or any gap of probably 10yrs.) may create energy flow discrepancies. No, it most certainly will.

"the morning sun when it's in your face really show your age/but that doesn't bother me none/in my eyes you're everything"

Maggie Mae, remember? (Rod Stewart)

Awwwww!!
I sure DO remember that.
Perfectly said , best. Thank you.

Shangrala