What is real love?

What is real love?

Real love is an energy that supports us in feeling good. When we feel genuine self-love and self-worth we experience ourselves as good enough and capable. There is a reverence and humility that accompanies this deep knowing that we are valuable just for being our unique self. Our worth is not dependent on our doings or our belongings. When genuine self-love and self-worth is present and alive within us, we attract love and respect from others. We literally draw to us the energy of love from others. We offer the energy of love and receive the energy of love. We feel very whole and complete in this state of being.

Why we need it.

When we are born we are completely dependent on others for our survival both physically and emotionally. Most of us grew up with our physical needs being met adequately and emotional needs being met sporadically or not at all.

We come in to this world with the need to be validated that we are loveable. We are looking for someone, primarily our parents, to tell us that we are important, we are loved and cherished and that we count free of any conditions. Even though our spirit knows we are loveable, our cognitive physical self needs to hear that. We are looking to be validated all through our infancy, childhood and teen years as we move through different developmental stages. If we were not given that message and our environment caused us to feel threatened or unsafe, we are still looking to have the message that we are loveable given to us as adults. We are stuck in patterns of co-dependency looking for love and validation outside of ourselves.

Why we make it so hard to experience it.

When we were little and love was not as available or predictable we learned to live without it. We subconsciously created ways of thinking and behaving that helped us feel safer in what seemed like a random world. You may have tried different things to get more love and support you in feeling more loveable. Some of those ways worked and you did get more attention. To this day you may subconsciously still be believing that you need these patterns in order to be loveable. When they didn't work we adapted to limiting beliefs, held at a deep subconscious level, that tell us we are really not loveable. We often sabotage the experience we want the most because it is so unfamiliar and at that deep level we really believe we don't deserve it, that we are not worth it, or that the love is not real.


The 10 lies we think are love:

1. Food is love

Our bodies require love through appropriate touch. When that need has not been met we often turn to food to fill us. The root cause of all addictions is the body's need for attention. Food feels good to the body. The body will begin to believe food is love and continually seek it out to get the feeling of sweetness and fullness that the energy of real love gives us when it is open and flowing in our being.

2. Sex is love

This can play out in a way that supports people in fearing, hating and despising sex, or becoming addicted to it. If you were sexually abused or prematurely affected by sexual experiences, it is common to have the deeper belief of "I can only be loved for sex." Sexual encounters can feel abusive and leave you with a feeling of being used.

Sexual addictions are supported by the bodies need for affection and it has come through sexual encounters. Again the body needs touch and support. If you were sexually abused as a child or that pattern is still alive from generations past, your body may hold the belief of "my body is bad because it feels good." It goes through a cycle of feeling starved for love, getting a quick fix with sex, and then feeling bad for satisfying it's need for love with sex.

3. Money is love

This pattern can get set up in families with money. When emotional love is not flowing freely, money is often used as a substitute. This can set up the siblings as rivals because they subconsciously know that there is not enough emotional love to go around and they must vie for mom and dad's money and possessions. Mom and dad's money and possessions represent the energy of real love that they have never had. As adults money represents security. Security supports us in feeling safe. This can also feel like love. The more money you have, the more safe you feel, the more loved you feel.

4. I have to be sick or ill to be loved

If you were given more attention when you were sick or ill as a child, you may still believe that you need this pattern to get noticed. If you were healthy and well you risk the experience of no one caring about you. Doctors can feel like surrogate parents. They give you attention, advice, and hopefully encouragement. All the things you needed as a child. Your sickness may be a way to keep you from living your life fully or taking responsibility for your life because you feel incapable and afraid. It is something to fall back on when you need to escape and want to hide.

5. I have to suffer to get love

People in abusive relationships are creating this pattern and are not familiar with healthy love and how it operates in a relationship. If you were beaten, slapped, hit, physically punished in your childhood or that pattern has been in your family, you may believe that love is being hurt. You will even sabotage healthy relationships to create this so you can feel your familiar experience again.

6. I have to fix people to be loved

Many people have a deeper belief that if they are not helping people get better they have no value. If they have no value, they cannot be lovable. The problem with this pattern is if you need to fix sick and dysfunctional people in order to feel loveable, you will continually attract these people into your life and they will not get well. You need them to be "unfixable" so you can stay "loveable."

7. I have to control you to make it safe to let you love me

Control is one of the biggest patterns in relationships. The deeper belief is "I will control you before you control me." It is common for two controllers to be together in a relationship both only seeing the other in the controlling pattern. I have worked with numerous couples where both are controllers. I will ask them separately " who do you believe controls the relationship?" They will always say, the other one does. Blame is a big part of the controller's experience. Victim energy is at the root of the pattern. At a deeper level if you still believe you are a victim, you may use control to create a feeling of safety to prevent yourself from ever being a victim again.

8. I have to please others to be loved

This pattern is often the other common opposite of a controller pattern. It is more common for women to play this role in a relationship with a controlling man. In this pattern the person always is thinking of other people before they think of themselves. Everything they think or say is processed with the underlying thought "what will other's think, what do other's want, what do I have to do or say to make sure they are happy." Chronic Fatigue and other energy depletion disorders are common with this pattern.

9. If I let you love me, you will leave me

Abandonment is at the core of this pattern. If you were abandoned as a child you may fear that the people you love get hurt, die or go away. In order to prevent this from happening you will not let a relationship go very far or you will sabotage it first. It is common to hold the deeper belief "I'll abandon you before you abandon me" because you are still believing that every relationship ends in abandonment so you might as well be in control of it. That way it doesn't hurt as much and it is more predictable.

10. Love hurts, relationships are painful

This belief will only support you in creating unhealthy, painful relationships. You will continue to attract people that you create a lot of pain with. You will support your relationships in being painful in the way you perceive them, think about them and the choices you make in them. You will go from one relationship to another feeling victimized and hurt wondering when real love will come your way. Or you will believe your stuck in a relationship that can never work and feel you will never be happy.

What we can do to heal these patterns

The first step is to understand that your beliefs create your experience. So whatever you believe either subconsciously and consciously is what you are getting in life. If you don't like what you are getting change your beliefs. Many of these beliefs are at a subconscious level and are generational beliefs. That means that we come from a long line of people that have carried the belief and have created the experience that matches it. Limiting beliefs are also rooted in our childhood experiences. You have a lot of opportunity to take control of the phenomenal power of your mind to release these old beliefs and create new ones. If you are really stuck I recommend a tool like Rapid Eye Technology that releases the energy that supports these old beliefs and patterns staying in place.

Look at your relationship experiences and notice what you keep experiencing. What keeps getting recreated in your life. This will tell you a lot about what relationship beliefs you hold. Change your relationships by changing your beliefs. I recommend my book Remembering Wholeness: A Personal Handbook for Thriving in the 21st Century to help you with this.

Healing the lies so we can love ourselves and be loved

Everyone carries limiting beliefs and patterns that they came to clear. In clearing these energies we heal the lies that we thought were truth about ourselves. We thought they were true because we kept having the experiences that made us think "this keeps happening to me so it must be true!" As you change your belief, you change your life, and understand now that you can create whatever you want.

I believe that god set in place within each of us the real energy of love. It is a powerful energy just waiting to be awakened. Another person cannot awaken it. Only you hold the key to the energy of real love inside of you. As you open and honor this energy by loving yourself, forgiving yourself and being kind and patient with yourself, you are then free to receive the real love others have to offer you. If you are a controller and/or a blamer, the first step for you is to take accountability for your life and own your life creation.

author unknown


<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

whew that is a mouth full..
But I am printing it off, so I can better read it, and fully understand it.
Then I will re-reply, and tell you what I truly think ok..

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

I really found this interesting and enlightening, {{{{{{Heather}}}}}} = I don't know how I missed it before, but I'm really glad that Lady D. brought it back up (TY {{{{Lady}}}}!). Thank you so much for posting it!! XOXO, Jill, Hippo & Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

<font color=red>WHOA!</font color=red> Sweetie, you really hit some nails on the head with that one! <font color=red>OUCH!</font color=red>

I see the old me in some of these but most importantly, I can see where there is still a lot of room for improvement. It's obvious I have a need to go back to the drawing board!

Thanks, {{{{Heather!}}}} That's always a signal to me that I need to apply more "sand paper" to some rough spots.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Wow, this is goooooooood stuff... And soooooo, true, we do get what we think we deserve.....Funny how such a lil word such as "love" can impact our lives. Since I am at a loss of words and can't think of anything to say other than I have changed my thought patterns.. grins

I deserve to win the lottery....... I am worthy to win the lottery.. I will win the lottery.. grins

Considering that I have failed in a life time with relationships, I've decided financial security is worthy of dreaming of. Not that I am falling into the category that money is love, but it sure would be nice to have an extra measure of it.. Besides, money is less complicated than people.. lol Ok, I know, that statement could start a huge debate ....smile

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
-George Bernard Shaw - (1856-1950)

Thanks for posting this Heather. There was a reason I haven¨t read this until today. It opened up a big ugly for me and I knew it would. It actually showed me how far I have come. I didn't have the best childhood and I have really tried to make something positive of that by breaking the chain of alcoholism and abuse and making my adult life better for me and those around me.
I see alot of things that rang true for me. I still struggle with the food one alot. I don't know that I have ever felt a real, unconditional love or one that hasn't hurt.
I know love is supposed to feel good. I know how I feel towards people when I love them and how I treat them so that they know.
I know you have read other posts of mine about my relationships and my confusion.
I am starting to think that people are intimidated by me because I'm "too good" in their words. I of course beg to differ. I can make mistakes too. I'm just better at fixing them maybe?
So what do you do when you truely care about people and it comes naturally and effortless to show them. What do you do when it just seems normal to be kind, thoughtful, respectful and nice all the time. Don't worry, I don't let people walk over me.
I worked really hard to be a good person and not let my childhood ruin my life.
I believe my greatest gift is to be able to deal well with people. I am also very creative.
I have no musical skills, I can't sing well, I am terrible with anything that has a plug or a battery. I accept all that, I know where my strengths lie.
My problem with my marriages has been with 2 men who thought I was so incredible. The perfect wife. So they pretended to be something they are not and of course couldn't keep that up. I got fooled and I got hurt badly. How do I deal with that? People faking it just so they can be with me?
Friends who find it too hard to be my friend cause I'm too perfect.
And what do I say to people when they tell me I am perfect? You say and do the right thing, you never make mistakes, you don't hurt people. I get upset of course but they don't get it. I do make mistakes, I just make less of them because I try hard to be a good wife and friend. I put honest effort into it. I want to. If I see the good in someone then I want to make sure they know and make sure they know they are worthy, they are great, they matter and are loved.
I don't expect alot in return. I know there aren't alot of people like me. I almost feel like I am a freak sometimes. I expect a friend to be honest most of all. Of course I need to feel in some sense that they like and appreciate me too but I don't expect them to be me.
This is getting huge long. Maybe someone has some ideas? I don't want to change who I am because I like it but is there something I am doing wrong here? The only way I can see it is to play "hard to get" and hold back and I don't want to do that. I don't play pretend. Can't do it.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

Hi Heatherm

Thanks for sharing, again You've brought a lot of good stuff to us recently. They mean a lot, and are all helpful... Thanks for your thoughtfulness, and your efforts... It's just great to have you around... ((((((((Heatherm)))))))))))

Have a nice day!

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

I like the thoughts and feelings behind your words. You've gone thru a lot in life haven't you? Makes you introspective and more in touch with yourself...yourself inside I mean.
Not many can achieve this cos it's difficult and not many can handle it either. That's beauty in itself - your words will help others when they need it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think it is such a great thing when we recognize something in us that needs to be changed for the better. We can never stop learning about ourselves....wouldn't we be boring people if we did stop? and from knowing you...you are the least boring person I have ever known my whole life. Good for you


Heather

{{{{{{{{radio flyer}}}}}}}}

You are sooo right..."Love" has more of an impact on our lives than we realize.

Changing thought patterns is wonderful and I am proud of you

I also had to say that I would "love to win the lottery with you"


Heather

{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}

The one thing that stood out to me from your post was the fact that you are a good and true person. Why would you want to change that? The only thing I would to suggest to work on is your thinking patterns. From reading your other posts I always think to myself....now there is someone that I would love to hang out with. You have to enjoy hanging out with yourself. You are doing so good and you should be proud of yourself. It takes courage and strength to not let your childhood ruin your life. You should be proud.

Loving oneself is to not have doubts of who you are. You seem to know who you are so hang onto that.


Heather

Thanks Heather,
I feel like you know me really well somehow.
And what a compliment. I would be honored to hang out with you. You seem like a really great girl yourself.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

Heather, my dear... thank you so much for the compliment.

Since I posted this, you and I had a chat. Some of the pain I experienced was because I recognized places in my head (almost said "heart") that need change. But as you and I discussed, that wasn't the biggest reason, as you know. I'm with Heidu in what she said: "It opened up a big ugly for me and I knew it would. It actually showed me how far I have come. I didn't have the best childhood and I have really tried to make something positive of that by breaking the chain..." My "big ugly" is that I'm convinced that I have never felt that kind of love, especially not even from my own mother. That's the one huge boogaboo that I still have. No wonder there are places that still need that "sandpaper."

Just like you, Heidu, I've been holding back exploring that empty hole that I have. Seems lately, though, that there have been several catalysts that keep nudging me forward. I'm afraid, though. Very afraid! There's been enough pain in my life that I don't want to feel it any more... ever! Forgive me if I talk in circles here, you two. I'm not bothering to put my thoughts together. Maybe if it just comes out ...

My mother was raised by a very controlling, sick, twisted, abusive mother who was probably raised the same way. Whatever...!! At any rate, my mother was born with a physical handycap, which in her culture was reason enough for her to become her mother's slave for life. Somehow, my mother managed to marry twice. The first one didn't last. The second one lasted long enough for me to be conceived.

While I was growing up, my mother had a few suitors, but she never remarried because she didn't want to "put me in harm's way" with a man in the house. To make a long story short, I had been "in harm's way" since I was born, because the perpetrator was already IN the house... her mother. My mother wasn't allowed to live her life without her mother's presence.

I grew up knowing that I didn't meet my mother's expectations of me. She wanted to live her life vicariously through me. One of her favorite phrases was "You didn't let me make out of you what I wanted." Excuse me all to HOLY HELL!!! That wasn't her job!! When my mother passed away, I found her journals... poem upon poem about her "saintly mother." HA! I found one poem about me... how I had been such a total disappointment to her.

(crying... I can't do this any more... at least not now... sorry)

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Don't ever think that you are a disappointment...please. Those were words from an unhappy and insensitive woman. When you look in the mirror smile at yourself for how far you have come. Look at the life you are and have been leading - yes there are potholes to bump over and hurdles that you have overcome. You have come out of all of it with a some scratches and dings but my oh my.....the beautiful children you raised and those gorgeous grandchildren (mine included - ). You make a difference in so many lives....much so in mine. That to me is not a disappointment but a joy. You are a joy to know and I am very lucky to have you in my life too.

I know that I am always here for you and I have a strong feeling that so many here are here for you too. I hope that you lean on us for anything ok?

It is ok to be sad...gosh it breaks my heart to think of you sad- but through those tears I know that you will find the strength that you have inside you to conquer whatever comes your way.



Heather

September,
Your mom....I'm sorry you had to grow up like that. I have never felt good enough for my mom either. It was always "your wasting you rtime with that job" even though I really enjoyed it "you'de be so pretty if you lost weight" I wasn't that overweight and I was pretty. I don't think my mother ever meant to hurt me but she has said many things over the years and even now that hurt alot. My mother had a really unstable childhood and rough life but although I understand her a little more as I got older I can't excuse her.
I finally figured out that I wasn't all those things my mother said or sometimes didn't have to say. I am me and I am just who I want to be. It's not up to her to decide how I should live my life or if I am good enough.
You may never understand your mom completely or know why she couldn't have just loved you for you but I think you have a good glimpse into her life and can realize that it wasn't you who was or is mixed up, it's her.
I can only think that all those things she said to you, her poem, all the things she did, were things she heard from her own mother. You never got a chance and no matter what you did it wouldn't be good enough because like she said "You didn't let me make out of you what I wanted". She was your mother. She was suppose to love and support you in YOUR choices.
I am sorry that your life and the situation with your mom has been so hurtful. I know what it is like to feel like a disapointment. Just try to remember it wasn't us, it was them.
Specially big hugs,
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

Thank you so much for all the faith you have in me. It's acceptance like yours that is balm to my wounds. You mean ever so much to me. My day doesn't quite get a good start when we don't chat first. The gift of laughter you give me starts my day out bright and if we don't get together till later, the light that shines from you just lights up all my day... morning, afternoon and evening. I know you're here for me and I truly appreciate it.

Love you!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

My mother had a really unstable childhood and rough life but although I understand her a little more as I got older I can't excuse her.

I finally figured out that I wasn't all those things my mother said or sometimes didn't have to say. I am me and I am just who I want to be.

<hr></blockquote>

It's these words that have kept "my monster" at bay for the most part. I've changed a lot of things that I could have easily passed down to my kids and I feel proud for that. But now that I've had an empty nest for some years, I could have done something with my life other than being a good mother and wife, housekeeper, etc. Since now is when I've been getting nudged quite a bit, I believe it's time for me to deal with that last, ugly monster, dredge up that courage that I've been praised for and accept as fact and face that last dragon. This, perhaps, is my toughest battle yet; to be able to acknowledge that all the slats that got pulled out from under me, I can rebuild myself. I don't need my mother to help me rebuild. I need to acknowledge that "I AM" intelligent, "I AM" a worthy person, "I AM" lovable, (choking on that one!) "I AM" courageous, "I AM" capable... as impossible and improbable as that may seem now.

I talk big, don't I? LOL In reality, I'm quaking in my boots. I don't know if it's worth going through that pain again. But for now, I'm going to make like Scarlett O'Hara and "think about that tomorrow."

Thank you so much for your supportive post, {{{{Heidu}}}} You have your dragons to slay, too.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}

Extra hugs for you today girl {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I missed our chat yesterday a few things popped up here but no biggie

I will make sure I drink my tea before we start chatting this time for those of you reading...oh I dunno...I swear that I have a hole in my bottom lip as I seem to miss my mouth as we start giggling like kids or it could be that she says something soooo funny that I choke on my tea

Laughter is so good for the soul...thank you for making my day brighter too hun.

Love you too


Heather

September,
You should be proud of yourself for making changes and seeing what you didn't want to carry on to your children.
It is also something to be proud of to be a good mother, wife and housekeeper. There is such worth in that. I also understand the need to do something more. Something for you.
You can rebuild what you need to. You have to decide and do the dirty work but you are not alone. Remember that.
You ARE intelligent.
You ARE worthy.
You ARE lovable.
You ARE courageous.
You ARE capable.
Quake away today...tomorrow maybe you'll shake a little less and remember, you don't need to slay the whole dragon at one time, just take a little chunk out of him. It'll slow him down.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

You know I can always use your hugs, Sweetie. Thanks for letting your "little girl" out to play with mine. Poor, frustrated thing can be as silly as she wants without feeling stupid or immature. She just loves tickling your funny bone! LOL Your laughter is music to her ears.

Ya'll, don't let her kid you! There's no hole in her lip! LOL I just have an uncanny way of making her laugh right when she takes a sip of her tea that she spits it out all over the place! lol lol Now picture this: her two year old tries to clean up after her, all the while saying "Oh, oh! Oh, oh!" hehehehe That's got to be soooooo cute!!!!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

I think intellectually I understand real love. Real love is unconditional. Real love is comforting. It provides you with safety, security and peace. It enables you to be the best person you can be. It is mutual and you take great pleasure in giving all these things to your partner. It is being so in love that you can't wait to see the person. Their smilng face is always on your mind.

I for one have never had true love. I made bad choices. Always seemed that the person I was with had an agenda. In all my relationships I was used for one thing or another. Used for safety, comfort, sex, money...... each and every time. Except for my last realtionship. This one could of been true love but my depression got in the way and screwed that one up for me. I know what I feel in my heart now is true love. I feel all the feelings I described above. Yet she is gone. That is the biggest heartbreak of all.