How do you know?

How do you know when it's time to let go of a friend? And then, when you do decide it's time, how do you let go when you've become too attached? This is in reference to my post "Just wanting to talk" from a few weeks ago. I haven't talked to her in weeks.

She doesn't seem interested in being friends. In the past, when things were OK between us, she would go for a few weeks at a time without contacting me. The difference is then there was no tension or problem between us. Now, there is.

I have always thought the reason for her being so distant at times and not contacting me was her way of protecting herself. She's been in abusive relationships. It just occured to me that I have a right to protect myself and maybe the way to start doing that is to just let her go. It's just difficult to make that decision... I would like to have more closure.

In some ways, it seems like our friendship was on her terms. I mean I had to wait on her to contact me, then wait for a time that was good for her. It seems like sometimes I would rearrange my schedule to do things with her.

My therapist is encouraging me to let this friendship go. She said that if there was ever a time in the future when my friend might want to be friends again, then I should work on making the friendship more on my terms. Not just wait when the time was convenient to her.

If this makes any sense, I would appreciate some feedback. Today my obsessions have been running rampant.

I don't know if there's a right time to end a friendship, especially one as important as this one you described. It's certainly a very hard thing to do.

I relate so much to what you wrote, I've been in the same situation some time ago. I just couldn't let go of the person who was my best friend at the time. Eventually I had to, because he wasn't interested in maintaining our friendship any more. I still miss him very much and I still think of him every day, even though I haven't heard from him in more than a year.

I don't know why I'm posting this, since I have no advice. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone... and that I understand how special some friendships are.

Thanks *freak* for letting me know that you care. It really helps!

You could always write her a note or send her a email. In my case I just stop talking to them. A friend who is truly a friend isn't all about themselves. JMO

Thanks, jerrymichele. At one time I thought about sending her a note, but I never done it. The more I've thought about it this evening, the more it seems that I do deserve to protect myself. I've obsessed way too much about her and allowed myself to become too attached. I have to ask myself, is this really what's best for me?

I don't know how you can tell when it's over. But I know than a friendship may start, then end, and possibly strat again on new premises. The point is I think things should not be considered definitive.

Now, having a one way relationship where YOU always wait for HER time is not good. But just standing there waiting for her to call, and thinking "she doesn't call: I pissed her off" is not good too. Especially because she might be at the otehr end thinking "2 weeks I didn't call and he did not inquire... I pissed him off".

People with disorders should never assume anything. And healthy ones should not assume too!

You may just drop a note that doesn't strictly require a reply. But make it clear you ar not pissed off (if you are not).

My humble advice
Good luck!

Don't let it hover on untold messages

Thanks, stefano.

I wish I had answers for you, but I don't. I can tell you that you are not alone!! going through something similar myself. It isn't easy, but you do have to protect yourself. I am with the others that suggested a note or email. state what you think and feel. you can look at it as a way of protecting yourself!

(((((Hugs)))) I know I didn't help, but wanted to let you know that it isn't easy and that you are not alone!

Thanks, scotlandskye. You did help giving me your opinion and letting me know that I'm not alone.

I’ve written her letters and notes in the past in an attempt to get her to contact me. From what I recall, she didn’t respond very much. Also, from what I recall, my stress level went up after I sent the letters obsessing about whether she would call.

It's getting to the point that whenever I start thinking/obsessing about her, I scream silently to myself: "I've had enough!" In one way, it seems that it would be so much better if I would just do whatever is needed to be done to put her out of my mind. But there's the "what ifs". What if she is waiting for me to call her?? But if I don't call her and we could've resumed our friendship, what's the worst that could happen? Would it be all my fault that we're no longer friends? As far as I know, I have nothing left to apologize for. There was one time when we had a misunderstanding. I didn't think we were friends any more & when I talked to her, she thought I didn't want to be friends.

Never obsess over another person. That's when it's time to end the friendship.

Also, why do you want to be her friend? It seems like you "like" her more than just as a friend. She doesn't sound like she wants to go any further than just being a friend.

My dear Dwayne61,

This is not a good friendship if it's causing you this much pain....just try to not think about her anymore....friendship is a two way street! If she doesn't persuade you at all....then what can you do?
But, if this is bothering you this much, then just talk to her....then you will be clear....
ya...pick up the phone right now and tell her about your concern....that's the best way to get rid of all of your thoughts....you will be clear!

take care
Marjan

Why do I want to be her friend? That's a very good question. The kind that really makes me stop and think. The first answer that came to mind is that it "feels good" to be with her. We had a lot of fun when we were friends. But then I can always have fun with other people, can't I? It's just not easy for me to make friends.

At one time, I had myself convinced that I had accepted her just as a friend. Perhpas I had myself fooled. You're right, she doesn't want anything except to be friends. Except now, I'm not even sure she wants that.

I'm glad I did help some! Well if you have tried the letters and notes in the past and found that it was more stress to you, then bag it.

From what is sounds like it is time to walk away! I know that is not an easy thing to do trust me. As you said you have all the "what ifs" You will have them and it will be hard, but in the long run you will be better. Friendships are suppose to go two ways not one. If she is thinking that you don't want to be friends then she can also make an effort to get in contact with you. it should be "you" who always has to break the ice or see if you are still friends. I'm not trying to sound harsh or anything. don't beat yourself up with the what ifs. what if you do call her and she isn't waiting for you to call, then you will fall even further back or down. If she cares about the friendship then it is her time to make the effort. You shouldn't have to apologize for anything!!! So never think that!

I can relate to the being friends because is feels good to be with that person. I said the same thing. Yes you can have fun with other people to. I know it isn't easy to meet or make new friends. maybe you have a friend that can introduce you to new peope. You have a friend here

quote=Dwayne61;110910Thanks, scotlandskye. You did help giving me your opinion and letting me know that I'm not alone.

I’ve written her letters and notes in the past in an attempt to get her to contact me. From what I recall, she didn’t respond very much. Also, from what I recall, my stress level went up after I sent the letters obsessing about whether she would call.

It's getting to the point that whenever I start thinking/obsessing about her, I scream silently to myself: "I've had enough!" In one way, it seems that it would be so much better if I would just do whatever is needed to be done to put her out of my mind. But there's the "what ifs". What if she is waiting for me to call her?? But if I don't call her and we could've resumed our friendship, what's the worst that could happen? Would it be all my fault that we're no longer friends? As far as I know, I have nothing left to apologize for. There was one time when we had a misunderstanding. I didn't think we were friends any more & when I talked to her, she thought I didn't want to be friends.[/quote]

scotlandskye,

What did you mean by "it should be "you" who always has to break the ice or see if you are still friends."? What I meant by apologizing was that I had said something kind of insensitive to her earlier this year. I told her I was sorry and I thought she had accepted it.

Thanks, I would be glad to be your friend!

Dwayne61

I saw her for a while yesterday. We both go to a program for individual & group therapy, that's where we met. When she first walked in, another person and myself spoke to her. She briefly replied. Then I just sat there trying to think of something to say. Finally I just called her name and asked how she was doing. She stil gave the brief reply of being OK. I had thought she just didn't want to talk to me. Then I noticed later she acted like she didn't want to talk very much to any one else. She usually says more in group.

I started to give her the brief note that I had wrote, but I just put it back in my pocket. I was remembering what I had wrote a few days ago in my journal about protecting myself. I told my therapist that I had almost given her the note. He said by me just speaking to her, I had extended myself or opened the door for her to say more. I think I've extended myself too much in our friendship. Given way more than I've gotten back. Besides, the last two times I had seen her, the conversation didn't go very well.

Last night, I took the note out of my pocket and very deliberately tore it into small pieces. I was mildly angry, but I don't think that's why I done it. At least not the main reason. I was looking for a release... a letting go. It did seem to give me a little release. Perhaps just the beginning.

I still have the "what ifs?", but I think it's over with. I haven't accepted it, though. There's still hope that our friendship will resume sometime in the future. If it does, I need to work on having a different approach to it.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice.

Well I don't know when you know. But when I knew to just cut ties with my best friend of 11 years is when everyone else around opened my eyes up to how two faced she was. That and the fact she tried on numerous occasions to break up my marriage. I just told her that I did'nt want to be her friend anymore because she caused too many arguments between my husband and I. And that I could no longer trust her. Then I have'nt talked to her since. I stil miss her. But I could'nt go on being friends with such a toxic person. So my advice for you is : You know it's time to let your friend go. Or you would'nt be asking. It's hard but at least you won't worry yourself over your friend all the time. That's gotta be alot on your mind. Good luck!

Sorry Dwayne, that was suppose to say " it shouldn't be you who always has to break the ice or see if you are still friends!" Typed too fast...LOL...We all say things from time to time that might be kind of insensitive and don't mean it but that is the way it came out. You apologized and that is all that you can do. If she is a true friend she will know that you are/were trully sorry. Life is too short!!

I'm glad you got to see her and made an effort to speak to her! Sounds like it was a good idea not to give her the letter! I agree with your therapist that by speaking to her you extended yourself and opened a door. It is now up to her. I know it is hard and you have all the what if's. You know sometimes you lose a great friend that means the world to you, and they come back into your life when you least expect it. Friendships are funny like that at times. It maybe time to say goodbye for now, but who knows in the future you might find that friendship again

Thanks, thunderbear. That sounds like very wise advice. And you are right, that is a lot on my mind.

Thanks, scotlandskye. Your words are very encouraging.

Dwayne a true friend will not let you just sit there and hang on. What I would do is just leave the door open for her. In the mean time if she does come back around you need to set up boundaries for yourself. If she doesn't come back around then she wasn't a friend to begin with. True friends will not hurt each other.

Thanks, jerrymichele. Would you have any suggestions about setting up boundaries? That's something that I'm not very good at doing. I know one thing that I done wrong. Just about everything that I done revolved around her. I'm not saying that she expected that, I don't think she did. It's just that I got so wrapped up in wanting to be with her. I know we were just friends, but that's something that's hard to come by for me. Especially female friends.

I wanted to do things with her so much that I paid for most everything when we went out to eat, the movies, etc. I knew that she didn't have any money. It took a while to get her disability started. But although it was my idea to do these things and knowing she didn't have any money, I began to get resentments for being the one who payed. I know that's a contradiction, but that's how I felt. I never discussed these feelings with her because I didn't know how to approach it. As a result of it building up, it led to me saying something kind of insensitive to her. And she was the one who was hurt.

Like for example when you go out to a dinner and a movie. Tell her up front that you don't feel it's right that you pay all the time. If you don't want to tell her that way then tell her that you can't afford it. Even if you can afford it, she doesn't need to know that. If she tries to take advantage of you don't let her.

She never really tried to take advantage of me. From time to time she would say things like "I know you get tired of paying all the time." I also knew she had more responsibilities than me. Such as she has a 13 y/o son.

But I understand what you're saying.

I think a friendship is good to let go of when it's not working for you anymore. If a friendship begins to feel like work or you begin to feel like it's more onesided then it's time to move on. It is far more important to surround yourself with people who are supportive that you can rely on to help you get through the rough spots in life. If you have to worry whether she is going to be there for you or not because of past baggage she is bringing to the table..time to move on...it's not ok for people to use more energy than you have to give. Good Luck