why can't I stop missing him?

Have you ever missed someone so much it hurts, and at the same time known that if you heard from them in that moment, you'd only want them to go away? There was someone in my life who was bad for me in every way, and I see that now and want nothing more to do with him, but I can't help waking up some mornings and wondering about him, wishing I could talk to him, wishing I could stop missing him and get on with my life. I don't know how to get rid of him. I don't want to think about him any more. I don't want any more to do with him!

I'm moving on, I swear. It only aches, occasionally, because of the empty space he left in my life, but I'm not really concerned with the one who used to occupy it. I can see him for what he is now -- not a bad person, just not the right one -- and I was only fooling myself into thinking he was the real thing. I wish him no ill will; it's just that while I'll probably be curious about him for a long time, I don't particularly care where he ends up.

The thing is, I'm hurt that I never heard from him, not so much as a goodbye. One minute he was there, the next he was gone, and I was left to figure out that he didn't want me anymore all by myself. It doesn't tear me up anymore, and I don't dwell on it, but I do find it incredibly offensive to simply cut me off, after we shared so many secrets, feelings, dreams. It's only right to give some sort of explanation, to be a man and face me about it rather than going into hiding and refusing to man up. In that, I'm always, always going to think he's a coward, and after everything we used to mean to each other, that's a terrible last impression to leave.

I don't wish it could have worked out because I know it never would. Our similarities don't outweigh our differences. We aren't so compatible that I'd be willing to give anything up for him, especially when he made it very clear he wouldn't do the same for me. I did that, I gave him everything I had, and all I got was misery in return. The thing is, I'm ambitious, stubborn, and fervently unwilling to settle. Those were things I used to hate about myself, things I tried to smother for him, because I knew he had half of my ambition and none of that silly desire for independence, fulfilment, or to make a difference. Now I know that all I was doing was letting him hold me back, and it makes me sick to think about. Maybe it's because I'm prone to depression, but I want nothing less than absolutely everything. I have to fight a little harder than most to be happy, and if I give up on the smallest percentage of my personal happiness, it's got to be for someone who's worthy of that sacrifice. None of this means that I know where I'm going in life, but I do know that I'm going somewhere, and I can't allow myself to pine for someone who was always so determined to be mediocre, not to take chances, especially not to take a chance on me.

Those are all the reasons that he's bad for me. All the reasons it would never work and all the reasons I don't want to hear from him again. If I do, it will be to tell him to stay away. He's bad for me and I know it. My friends could see it two years before I did, and kept trying to tell me to get away, make a clean break, because I was allowing him to change me into someone I didn't like. I wouldn't go back to him for anything now because he really was that bad for me. So why can't I stop missing him? Why can't I make a clean break? What do I do now? I don't want to think about him any more!!!!

justfloating You ask what do you do now? You keep your head up. Find somthing to fill that void in you heart and life. Iknow how you feel. You don't want him when he's around but when he's away he is all you think about. Could it be becuase your used to him being around? That it has nothing to do with loving him? It will only feel like this for a little while. Then one night you'll be laying there and realize he never entered your thoughts not even once.
But in the mean time find something you enjoy doing. When I broke up with someone I cared about, I started drawing and writting poetry. I found it to be such a good outlet for my pain and at the same time I found out I was really good at it. It was something to keep my mind off of my ex. Now when I get sad, I grab my camera and take pictures of everything that catches my eye outside. It really helps to occupy my mind.
I hope you find something to help ease your heartche. Also remember the bad about him never the good. Good luck justfloating

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(((((((justfloating))))))
Only time heals all wounds

I can relate to what you are feeling. My pain is fresh. The relationship was short but intense but he was bad for me psycopath bad for me. I would never talk to him again. I have his number blocked. I am lucky i guess in that i experienced more bad times with him than good. I just bought his blaming me for everything. I hope the last part of your healing process goes quickly.

I'm so sorry. Ending a relationship is never easy. Especially if you love someone. I can tell your better off without him if he couldn't even say goodbye after two years. You will find someone who will love you for you. And like you said don't settle for anything less.

Knowing something doesnt stop it hurting, only time can lessen the pain.

The hurting doesnt stop you living and loving again though, life goes on. Dont let them make you doubt yourself, just because it didnt work with them doesnt mean you will not love and be happy again, just a little differently perhaps.

Things can and will get better though the pain of losing someone you truely loved can be a little like living in mourning just for someone who is still alive.

It is more than possible to love more than one person at the same time, trying to wait to feel free of someone you 'loved' in a relationship and love still for what you lost is not always fair either to you or to any potential partner. It is a separate and different thing, each relationship in its own right, do not dismiss all possibilities, as long as you treat each as such and do not blame the now loved for the past loves offences.

I know how you feel bout the strength of missing someone, having just had a big wobble because my ex got in contact and saw our daughter recently, it put me in a right downer and i cried for days. Not because i want him back, it wasnt working, but because i have loved him for 20 years and share a beautiful daughter with him for life but we cant seem to communicate anymore, and i mourn what we lost. Also at the same time though, i am very happy with a new partner, acceptance and a better and more stable life than i had before.

I hope things start to feel less instense for you soon, be good to yourself.

I feel I can relate here. I fell in love with a guy... I honestly thought I met my soulmate. Unfortunately he didn't love ME... we went through a very rough patch because of my feelings, and he did some things that hurt me a GREAT deal... but then he said he wanted to be just friends still... he wanted our friendship to remain. I told him that wasn't possible... I couldn't be friends with him, talk to him, see him, etc... and NOT hold him, kiss him, make love to him... it hurt TOO much! It STILL hurts... I think about him EVERY day, I dream about him... I swear I even SMELL him sometimes. But I haven't heard his voice or seen his face since February... there were a couple of text messages and emails since then... including where he recently emailed me and said "I am so glad we're friends"... to which I replied a LONG email again explaining that as much as I love him and want him in my life, I CANNOT be just friends. What is bad is I am totally in love with him... but deep down, I think he is NOT right for me... that we shouldn't be together. However, I am totally weak when it comes to him, and if he came back and said "I made a mistake, I DO love you"... I would JUMP at he chance to be with him, even knowing it's probably not the right thing... but I can't help it, I love him TOO much!
But every day... I think 'WHY... why can't I stop loving him, why can't I stop thinking about him, why can't I stop missing him..." And I wish I knew the answer!! I know the situations are different... but I feel the same in that I can't get over the thoughts of him... I can't stop thinking of him, I can't get him out of my head, and it drives me nuts!!
So I feel your pain!! You aren't the only one out there!

justfloating: "The thing is, I'm hurt that I never heard from him, not so much as a goodbye. One minute he was there, the next he was gone, and I was left to figure out that he didn't want me anymore all by myself. It doesn't tear me up anymore, and I don't dwell on it, but I do find it incredibly offensive to simply cut me off, after we shared so many secrets, feelings, dreams. It's only right to give some sort of explanation, to be a man and face me about it rather than going into hiding and refusing to man up. In that, I'm always, always going to think he's a coward, and after everything we used to mean to each other, that's a terrible last impression to leave."

I know that you can't just flip a switch and all of that emotion and all of those feelings simply disappear. But in your post quote above, you tell of how you had no closure. You may have suspected somewhere inside you that someday it should end, but he just up and surprised you by leaving. It's little wonder that you are still obsessed.

You may have to do what others have suggested and purposely get on with your life. Fill it up with new things to do and new routines in the evenings and mornings. Anything that will shake up those patterns might help distract your thinking patterns.

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Thanks, all. I really appreciate your replies. ((((((((everyone)))))))))

I'm trying to get on with my life. I'm making game plans. He left me before, and it sent me into a tailspin with my depression -- should've been a sign, really, but I was just so relieved when he came back that I didn't even notice that his presence was making the depression even worse. My friends were so worried about me, but I wouldn't listen to them. I couldn't see how someone I cared about so much could possibly be bad for me, could possibly be dragging me down. Last time he left, I stopped living because I couldn't see the point of life without him. This time, I'm forcing myself not to expect him to come back again, not to want him to come back again, and to firmly tell myself that if I do hear from him again, I will tell him to clear off. It's funny, because I am hurt that he's gone, and at the same time a little relieved, like maybe this is an opportunity to get my life back on track and my depression under control, two things I know I would never have been able to do while he was around.

Now, I'm determined not to put my life on hold for him any more. Whether he comes back or not makes no difference; either way, I have to get on with things. I have to strengthen myself against my depression, I have to focus on my education and future career, and I have to start doing things for myself again, because I spent the last two years so focussed on someone else that I lost sight of what I wanted and needed. I just need a change, I guess. I'm thinking about doing some volunteer work abroad -- it's something I've always wanted to do but never had the guts for. I've got 2 years of university left, which I'm going to use to boost my marks and make sure I can do everything possible to get into the grad program I want. I'm going to travel more, maybe start the photo album I've been putting off forever. I'm writing more, and with serious intentions of entering contests, sending my stuff to magazines... I just need to feel like I'm DOING something, like I'm moving forward. The worst thing about missing him is the terrible sense of stagnation I feel, and the dread that he's moving on without me, that I've been left behind. I think I need to convince myself that I haven't been left behind, I've just moved in a different direction, and that where I end up can be just as beautiful without him.

And, although it's embarrassing, at the heart of all this is a terrible, vindictive desire to succeed despite him. Not even succeed, but leave him in the dust. I want to outdo him. I want to prove to myself that I don't need him and one day I want him to realize just how big of a mistake he made the day he decided not to love me because it was too hard. I want to prove that I'm worth the effort and I want to throw his determination to be mediocre back in his face. I want to be able to run into him in the street ten years from now and say, "Look what I did without you."