Unconditional Love?

I just read a comment within a thread where a member stated that humans cannot love unconditionally. It really got me to thinking.....is that a true statement or just a belief by this member and possibly many other members?

So, I sat and considered this statement. I think what I came up with is confusing LOL. Here are some of my circumstances and thoughts on unconditional love (if anyone is interested LOL).

My Children/Grandchildren

Most definitely, my love is unconditional towards them. Nothing could possibly take away my love for them.

My Friends

Yep, another situation where my love is unconditional. Even if there are situations that arise that we cannot work through, for whatever reason, I still love them no matter what.

Other Family Members

There are some that I love and some that I merely tolerate. Even my only brother, I love him unconditionally, but I merely tolerate him as we do not have a close relationship for a number of different reasons that I won't get into.

Current or Past Husbands

This is a more difficult situation. Take my first husband, the abuser/alcoholic. If I loved him unconditionally, I might not be here right now. Or, if I loved him unconditionally, things may have worked out. I pretty much doubt the second scenario. Then again, after our divorce and for my children's sake, I stepped in to help him many times with his demons of drink and self destruction, getting him into rehab, hospitalizations etc. I forgave him for the abuse he dealt me. I haven't forgotten and never will. But does this constitute an unconditional love for this human, even if I was hurt by him?

My second husband, I will always have in my heart. We grew apart but I love him like a brother and would do anything for him if he needed my help. I believe that is unconditional love.

My third husband I will ALWAYS love. No matter how my heart is broken over our situation, no matter that he was unable to hold tight and keep his hope alive, no matter how I found this out, my love for him will never diminish......hence, unconditional love.

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I guess what I'm trying to say is that unconditional love doesn't mean (to me) that everything has to be rosey and wonderful. Many times it can be downright muddied and confusing and we may not always LIKE what our loved ones may say or do. Sometimes, our unconditional love is not enough to keep the relationship healthy, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes the relationships break apart because of external interference....but it doesn't mean we don't love them unconditionally.

So, those are my thoughts......please feel free to add yours as well. I'm really curious to know how others feel about this!


sabby

With one of my sons my love has been tested again and again and again, no matter what I can still say I love him, so for me yes I know it is there.

A wonderfull post sabby...filled with Truth.

I agree with your sentiments but I have a question that often troubles me when this issue is discussed.

When we talk of unconditional Love,,does that not mean that we Love without condition, rank or place? If so, then the fact of being upon any of our lists does indeed place a condition upon our Love. You must fulfill something in me for me to Love you.

Unconditional Love, for me, is Love without any expectation, limit or feedback. It means I love you in spite of me or you. It means that there is nothing I have that I would not freely give you. Nothing. It means I have the Faith that I "will be" no matter what you would do to me.

If I was able to Love unconditionally would mean that I am totally free.

Free of the bondage of self.

IMHO.

With Care,

Lenny

I think Unconditional love is a construct of the human mind therfore it doesn't really exit . Its a condition, actually, when you get right down to looking at it.

its what religions have been trying to present for quite a long time .
It can be a Bar we set a midst our fellow beings to have to hop ,
I mean hurtle ,

wait

make that ploe volt over ,

oh heck

freefall off a cliff .

Patricia

I belive humans are capable of unconditional love. I guess it all depends on the person. Like me, my step dad is the biggest worst a-hole you could ever meet. He is'nt physicaly abusive or anything, just a drunk with a mean streak and a big mouth. He has said hurtful things to me since my mother died. I can't even talk to him becuase he makes me so mad. But do I love him? Yes. Would I help him if he called upon me? Yes. Why? Because he got my mom away from her extremly abusive heroin addict ex. He fed and clothed me showed me how a real dad can be like. He just went down hill when my mom died. He could say or do anything and I would still love him. I can't help it he's my dad.

I have no one to unconditionally love, though I have it to offer, can even feel it, yet no one is there for me to unconditionally love.......

What about yourself?

That is part of what I am trying to express Junerain. I find words so inadequate to express the feelings that I have struggled with for decades and have yet to find any conclusive human explanation.

The most Joy I have ever experienced was a brief three or four day set of moments early in my sobriety. I was working as a cook for a small rehab and in this capacity my days were long and I was constantly surrounded by folks who were just beginning the journey of hopefull change. I had such few moments for me. Which was the blessing as my thoughts were upon the work to feed this 60 or so folks and to listen to them while they vented their fear. My more I Loved them the more I loved Me. The more I gave them the more was given me,,,the less I thought of myself the greater the gifts from the universe.

I experienced such Joy in those moments but then my own fears captured me once again and I moved away from the freedom....

But in those few days I can say that I was fearless,,there was nothing I would not have given anyone,,,there was nothing anyone could take from me,,I was in complete harmony with the moment and what I was doing within it...

In those few days I Loved Everyone and Everything without condition.

Since then I have been Graced to meet a few incredible people who live nearly all their moments in this place of Joy.

Fear is the enemy..it always has been and always will be...

For me, letting go of the fear is the door to Love...

With Care....

Lenny

My son. In relationships, this idea has completely eluded me.

I will love Junerain unconditionally, she is not a bad person to know and love.....awww.....

I believe I love my son, my only child, the incredible, miraculous, heavenly gift that was given to me for a short while to nurture and cultivate with unconditional love and acceptance, encouragement and compassion, strength and support.

My job now is to take what I learned as I raised this marvelous child and apply it to the child within me.

Do I love my SO unconditionally? That is a pledge I have taken. To act "as if" when my patience is low and my perseverence is shakey. It is a committment to act "as if" whenever I am called to do so until one day, I do it without the "as if".

This post comes at an interesting time for me. I think everyone has a different capacity for unconditional love. To me, abusive parents have a lower capacity of unconditional love for their children. However, it doesn't mean they cannot develop such a capacity. Or maybe in another country, unconditional love doesnt exist as much between parents & children because maye the child must prove themselves worthy first. In our society though, we hold unconditional love towards family in high esteem...Even if the kid is a brat like me haha.

I recently ended a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He had what I viewed as an unhealthy friendship with his supposed best friend. She has been in therapy for the past year since she's made multiple suicide attempts. She loved him. being that they are oth insecure people, they frequently relied on eachother for unconditional support. If either of them needed to talk, they would be there for each other at any time for as long as they needed. They wanted one of those "I'll be there for you at anytime always no matter what" friendships. My ex diligently spent many long, stressful nights saving her from attempting suicide. He admits he loved her too.
When him & I got serious, she attempted suicide again & demanded they talk about their friendship for hours on end, particularly whenever I made a rare visit. Usually he would cave to her needs, which would often impact how he treated me. For example, he would frequently go ahead & have these long conversations with her about her needs & their friendship, leaving me alone for long periods of time multiple times, even in bars late at night. Upset when he asked for some space from her, she spread blatantly false rumors about me. As a result, I caught alotta heat from their mutual friends. It was very stressful & finally got in the way of my relationship with him.
Clearly, he "loved" her too, since he was willing to deal with all of this. He wouldn't criticize really her too much for it. He wanted to stand by her side regardless, even when her jealousy got out of control & started getting in the way of our relationship. He is still friends with her to this day.
Thankfully, after 2 months, she's calmed down......I still broke up with him though, cause I didnt want to compete anymore. I want him to work things out with her before I continue anything with him.

What I want to know is, what should the boundaries be? Is this kind of relationship what one should expect from unconditional love? Should that kind of unwavering support be assumed to be normal with love like that, or is it different between different people? How about between two people who arent in a relationship? What is generally considered to be "normal"?

I've always felt that, at least in friendships & in relationships [outside of family], everything should be conditional. If you don't set conditions, people will walk all over you, & I cannot respect [therefore love] selfish people like that. I believe knowing your boundaries & setting them are extremely important. I'm pretty sure those boundaries are a condition. I guess you can still love someone & avoid them until they are able to respect boundaries though....I'm just not like that though, personally. If someone, no matter who it is, doesnt love me enough to give me space & respect, I can't have unconditional love for them. It speaks volumes about them in return, & I can't have respect for that. Respect is parallel to love for me, & mutual respect is a biggie.

Although despite how FURIOUS I am with my ex over that whole situation, I do still have intense feelings towards him. Somehow I wouldn't lose respect for him during all those weird nights...I was just sad that she always seemed to be more of a priority. I'm not sure if that's my conditionally loving or not. Eh, maybe I have more of a capacity for it than I thought.

Weird.

There ya go girl!!

[quote=Emily_Strange;1116017]

What I want to know is, what should the boundaries be? Is this kind of relationship what one should expect from unconditional love? Should that kind of unwavering support be assumed to be normal with love like that, or is it different between different people? How about between two people who arent in a relationship? What is generally considered to be "normal"?

quote]

hello Emily. I just wanted to answer those questions I hope you don't mind The bounderies in a friendship really depends on the people involved. Yes it is possible to love a best friend unconditionally but it should be from both parties. You ex loved his friend unconditionally. That is ok. He cared for her in a way anyone would for a close friend in trouble. That's normal for this kind of love. But it sounded to me (forgive me if I offend) that she was being manipulative to him. Like she was using his love for her to come in between you and him. And she may have loved him in a romantic sense. And finally it did. You did the right thing. But really he should have put you, his partner, first. Sorry that that happened to you.

What I have been doing in this thread in a very long winded kind of way.....is say that...

For me...I don't see the ability to Love "unconditionally" as a person by person emotional distinction..

You either are or not...

If you don't it (Love) will always have some conditions at some level...like pregnancy in a woman...if she is pregnant then her foot cannot be "not pregnant"...

I have four children and my Love for them has changed over time..I don't see Love as an unchangeable force but one that expands and contracts over time and expereince according to the host...me....

Other than those few moments gifted to me that I explained above,,I have not given unconditional Love...but I have been the recipient of it...

From my Dogs....

Lenny

unconditional Love,,good question ((sabby)))
same for me really I love my children . my friends . and everyone i care about that way
If i put a condition on it ...then its not love its ..its asking for something imo
I try to accept ppl for who they are. sometimes it can be hard. ... its not that i want to fix them I want to help them...
Love is a wonderful feeling ...

I like Lenny's changing thing - expanding and contracting -

plus, I don't think that unconditional love necessarily excludes boundries and respect, one person's boundries and the respect for those benefit all parties affected

unconditional love is flexible, I don't think it accomodates hurtful or petty actions which manipulate either party or persons close to either party

To me, the definition encapsulates all that is good in love and loving. It defines everything that love in its purest form is meant to be and provide.

My kids I will always love. I can say that I do love some people that have been in my, that aren't in my life, but I still love them. IMO it would be on the kind of relationship it is or was with each indiviual. Like my ex-husband, I was in love with him at one time. I don't love him now, but then again I don't want to see anything bad happen to him either. When I think about something like that it's a past tense thing. Another example is my sister. We have always have had a rocky relationship. I love her, but I can't stand the person who she has become. I just won't deal with her. My parents passed a long while ago. I still love them, but it is probably different from someone who has had their parents for most of their life. You know Sabby this is a very interesting question. This question has really made me think what I really feel about the past, and the present people who have been in my life. There have been some family members who I grew up with, but I never loved them. One even passed away, and I never cried at his funeral, and I don't even think about him. He's not the only one. There are more. So I guess for me is what the relationship was like.

Hmmmm, so unconditional love is love without reward, right? Ok, so this often happens in the parent child relationship....but can you separate unconditional love from a relationship you would have with a significant other or friend of some sort?

I kind of feel like its hard to separate the unconditional love from a relationship with non-family members since its assumed you became friends/got serious with that individual for specific reasons...You came to a certain conclusion about the other person & it's assumed who they are gives you incentive to have a sort of relationship with them...Which kinda feels like a condition. I dunno it just seems like a different kind of love would emerge in that case than that for someone in your family. I think with the family thing, it's ingrained for you to love them for what they are: Your family. While with friends or significant others, you are more likely to love them for who they are. Maybe? So does that mean one is deeper than the other? -shrug- Do you end up loving an idea [family], or is that just a truer form of unconditional love? Or are the friendship ones deeper cause they are ased in who the person is on the inside? I suppose they are oth deep for different reasons...? Ahhh just throwing out ideas!

So what happens if you are being punished in the relationship, like if you have an abusive partner? I guess there's a sort of a basic condition of no abuse allowed. Although I'm sure you can still love someone unconditionally but you have to somehow get away from them in order for them to change.

.....So then, is unconditional love really defined as not receiving rewards for your love & maybe in some circumstances receiving punishment for loving, too?

Damn, whoever said love was a good thing....

Can I just say, to the posters who still love their family despite abuse: I really admire ya'll?

By the way, my keyboard is broken! I'm missing a buncha letters! Sorry about mysteriously missing letters in my words.
....I type really hard apparently I gotta get this fixed, haha...Gettin' a little sick of copying & pasting all my "n"'s & "b"'s, haha.

So wait! To complicate this a bit more, wouldn't unconditionally loving a family member cause they are family & a friend/significant other for who they are all be conditions, technically? Haha, this smiley is the story of my life.

Oooh! Philosophy!

I think it is possible to love unconditionally, but I think it's important to be clear about what unconditional love really is. I think love is simple care. It's connected to a willingness to see people as essentially good, but with occasional issues that occlude that inherent, pure character, in the same way that a virus can make an otherwise healthy person sick.

If you are needy, it's very hard to accomplish that kind of perspective because you end up seeing the world in terms of how it serves those needs. Extreme example: if you're terrified of being alone, you'll respond to hints of abandonment by blaming, distancing, judging, and attributing negative characteristics to those people. As you move towards self-sufficiency and bust up your fears, you become less defensive and your heart opens up to others. The need to protect yourself diminishes and you're able to see people outside of the role they play respecting your needs and fears. You can also then start to unconditionally accept (that is, see the inherent goodness) in yourself.

I believe that's what a lot of self-help and self-development, including meditation and mindfulness are aimed at. I also think that's the essence of forgiveness.

Good thread, sab!

Wow!!! Thank you all for your wonderful words here! I'm really enjoying everything you all have to say and it's making me think deeper and deeper about unconditional love.

I also believe that in order to have unconditional love for another, we must remove our own conditions for ourselves. In other words, as Edahn said, we cannot give unconditional love to others unless we first accept ourselves unconditionally. Warts and all (and I have plenty of them! LOL)

Acceptance doesn't mean perfection. So to me, it is possible to love another unconditionally when they are not perfect and I am not perfect. This also brings to the table the fact that no matter how much we can love another unconditionally, the other may put into place road blocks to receiving that love and it makes it difficult to continue the relationship.

I have a question - Because we are imperfect and we make mistakes, does that mean unconditional love changes?

Make that two questions - Because in life, there are outside influences which can help to break a relationship, does that negate unconditional love?


sabby

I love my daughter unconditionally though sometimes i make her clean up lol otherwise i really want to ban her from my kitchen, i have ocd and she is a cook and an artist but not a very tidy one of either aarrgghh!!! We have a very strong relationship and she is one of my best friends.

I have been sometimes plagued with unconditional love too, i find it very easy to give but actually most people i ever gave it to always had conditions for me. It took me at least an extra 6 years or more of an unworking, unhappy marriage to give in as my unconditional feelings are extremely hard to break. I kept thinking that oneday maybe hed remember and realise how much i loved him. But no ~ now even though i have a wonderful relationship with a special person now and lots of very happy plans, i still cant bear to think of my ex, but only coz i love him so much it hurts. Although i did the right thing for me because he became a bully, im not sure that will ever change, i cant wipe 20 yrs out of my life just because its better now.

Your quote about acceptance is so true, if more people learned acceptance we would not really need the question! About unconditional love changing ~ everything changes, its what you do about it that matters. Some people unfortunately just change too much or maybe they were just not right in the first place ~ even after a long relationship. Some outside of a relationship will see something good and try to take or break it because they cannot accept others having more than they have for themselves. There are so many influences and the only person we can be completely true to is ourselves, that way we never expect our partners to accept less from us. We all make mistakes we are all human, acceptance makes recovery and ressolution possible.

Love is a powerful force and means all things to all people, if we are lucky enough to find the right people to share it with then i think it can very easily be unconditional both ways, but acceptance is always needed for it to grow.

Live, accept, love and be happy

I think your point here is really close Emily....

To Love rather than be Loved.....is where the Joy is...almost like the Love of an infant to its caregiver...He/She has no concept of the deep aspects of Love...Love at this stage closely resembles need...So the caregiver is Loving without the expectation of returned Love..in a mature sense...We love them because we are biologically programmed to...The deeper Love matures as does the child...

I remember viewing an interview of Jeffrey Dammer and his Father...they both sat side by side facing the interviewer...

It was plain that Jeffrey's Father Loved him..it was clear through his responses and simply his presence with such a monster...

His utter disgust for his son's behaviors was also evident as was his deep personal sadness.

His Father displayed profound poise in those moments...an act of Love that I still find hard to totally understand...

Lenny