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#1
Sep 27, 2009, 05:30 PM
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I have a serious jealousy issues..
I get jealous to my bf's (well..ex bf,actually) mother..little sister.. and even his cousins (girls)... I'm not sure what's wrong with me.. I just couldn't stand it when I heard his Mom calling him "honey, sweetie, bla..bla.." One time I read his message to his cousin on facebook saying :hey beautiful.. and I got really mad..(but I didnt tell him cuz I was too shy, realizing that it was not normal).. I get jealous when he told me that he was talking to his little sister on the phone...he was chatting online with his cousin... Why do I get jealous all the time to all female surrounding him??even if it's his own mother...and family??? Does anyone know the answer??? Because this feeling is really annoying.. I don't want to carry this kind of feeling for the rest of my life towards people... PS. FYI, He's the first guy that I deeply in love with.. and it appeared to me that it's sort of like a trigger of my insane jealousy to come up... And right now I'm on the stage where I'm trying to collect myself up since we just broke up recently...(but I guess that's another story to be discussed in another forum) which i already did..and thanks for the replies everyone.. Thank you everyone.. Anyway, I'm new here...HELLO to all of you..  superloner Last edited by superloner; Sep 27, 2009 at 05:53 PM. |
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#2
Sep 28, 2009, 05:11 AM
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Have you thought about trying therapy to see why you are having all these feelings?
  
__________________
Live in the moment. Right now is the only thing we really have. |
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#3
Sep 28, 2009, 08:34 AM
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well...yeah jerry...but i'm still comfortable by talking here first....
err.... do you think i posted my thread in the right forum?or should i post it in another forum? |
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#4
Sep 28, 2009, 08:56 AM
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Hi, superloner,
I think I might have an insight or two for you. First, even if you are "broken up" and this guy is your ex, emotions are hard to simply turn off. You can officially be broken up, but your emotions can't be turned off with a switch. They take more time. So they are still pretty much in love with him. Second, since this is the first guy that you've ever been in love with, you might be feeling pretty vulnerable, at least, moreso than any other relationship you might have had before. Therefore, there's more of you at stake. You have more feelings invested. It is more risk. Also, the jealousy means that you are not secure in your relationship. Not so much in his feelings for you, but in your feelings about you; how you feel about your ability to make him happy and to "keep" him interested and in love with you. It has more to do with your self-esteem than anything else. A woman who is confident in herself and can stand and exist on her own outside of the relationship she has with a man is less likely to feel jealousy. In particular, the concerns you have over his communications with any female, even his relatives, those are indicative of serious security issues. This would be something you could greatly benefit from exploring with a therapist. The greatest aphrodesiac is self-confidence. I hope this has helped a little. Hang in there.
__________________
 Vickie
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 dericox
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#5
Sep 29, 2009, 09:38 AM
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hi vicky...
thank you so much for the reply... I've been thinking about what you said a lot...and i think you're absolutely right... Because I know that when we were still together I often find myself feel that I'm not good enough,pretty enough for him, I'm too old for him..(his 7 years younger than me)...I always have this suspicious feeling that his mother doesn't like me..we come from a different social background...(even now I have myself a very good job on tv.. it doesn't make me feel 'better..in front of him') I don't deserve him... he never cares about those things..and even he did tell me and show me that he loves me unconditionally... still those feelings stay..  But now, as I said earlier..we're not together anymore.. We've been in a long distance relationship for more than a year..until he broke me up because he said that our rel.ship's getting worse everyday because of the distance..so there seems to be no future in it..so he broke me up..I'm still in pain now... Anyways..thank you again vicky....insecurity is the issue here... take care
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#6
Sep 29, 2009, 12:43 PM
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Quote:
It can be really painful ending a relationship. Therapy would help you resolve some of your feelings.
__________________
Live in the moment. Right now is the only thing we really have. |
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#7
Oct 02, 2009, 02:33 PM
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I can relate to your issue very well....I can understand your pain....I am the same like you....and that's why I'm always ending up alone....
with my ex-boyfriend, I was getting jealous and suspicious all the time...and good lord, he had lots of girlfriends....and making more....I was getting jealous of him hanging out with his step-sister....I wanted him all to myself....but that wasn't possible....he told me that I'm insecure....and he was right....I was like you not feeling that I'm good enough for him.... anyway, he ended up....and now he's with another girl...that girl doesn't care...she shouldn't be a jealous and insecure then....and now, he posted in his facebook that he's in a relationship with her....he moved on quickly and teared up my heart....It was so painful seeing him coming to the dance class with the girl...I felt a sharp knife in my heart....but now that time is passing, I'm getting better....I try to talk to other guys and let them to cherish me....if even I don't like them but it's good to get attention....and be desirable....I signed up for online dating and it's fun....I haven't met anybody yet, but got connected with some guys....and there is hope out there....just you got to be paitent...and when that right person is in front of you who is giving you all the attention then you don't feel insecure and jealous....trust me....I've been there and I know how it feels.... with one of my boyfriends that I felt so much love, even when we got separated and he got a girlfriend and I was single at that time....I didn't get jealous even seeing them together.....because I knew how much he loved me and just because we couldn't be together, he had to go with somebody else.....so, if the one that loves you comes along, you won't feel this way..... just let time heal your wounds..... take care Marjan |
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#8
Oct 02, 2009, 03:22 PM
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Quote:
I have found that jealousy stems from insecurity. D's best friend (until a year ago, but that falling out is a different story) was a woman who he had an INTIMATE relationship with years before. It took me YEARS to get over my own insecurities about her. It didn't help that she was often inappropriate towards him, but I got over it. I know who D will come home to, regardless. Take this time to find yourself. There is much to love there, so find that love for yourself. It makes it easier to love others. Hope this helps!
__________________
I am not a medical or mental health professional, nor do I play one on TV, I just talk kinda like one!  Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light! They say I have A.D.D. but I think they are full off...  Oh look! A CHICKEN! Be careful how you look at the world, it may look back!  How do you want to be seen? |
| turquoisesea
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#9
Oct 03, 2009, 08:47 AM
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Quote:
i think the answer of your question is because you are really deeply falling in love to that man, so you just want him to be with you always, yes its the trigger. thats what i feel towards my gf. love makes us blind. love is like a sand, the more we hold/grab it in our hands it will fell off, but if we just put the sand in our hand and keep it calm it will never go away. its just one of philosophy that i learned from my ex-boss, and it actually worked for me. i get rid my jealousy, and our relationship is much better without a fight everyday like we used to have. i know how it feels, how we cant control our jealousy, 'not normal' jealousy, but im sure you'll find your way to get rid of that. take care |
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#10
Oct 08, 2009, 10:48 AM
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I can honestly say that I am the same way too. For me it steams from low self esteem and the anger/delousing that I have had growing up (especially when others have had a great life, popularity, proms, friends, dates ETC…) it sounds as if your life (relationships with family, friends, boyfriends) you have been screw and it sucks.
Do you also get paranoid and start trying to find out if he is cheating on you, and he is not giving the attention that you need, do. Normally it’s is occurs when your having a bad day, or if you see a picture of their past life specially with their girlfriends, or how their sisters were popularly i.e. home coming queen, head cheerlead,) and you feel that it’s not fair and you hate them for that. I myself go through it when there is a sudden change. The worst way to react is in front of his family or his friends (believe me I have done this). You just end up apologizing and feel stupid. Another piece of advice, don’t talk it over with anyone who does not understand. They not give you the advice that you and trust me, it does not help the situation, they just think I am weird and that I need to work-out to decompress, the worst thing say, I have been there before, If they have, than they would understand, right?. In addition, make some dumb comment about you always over reacting and that you are so dramatic”. I HATE THAT. Let me know is this helps out. Pam |
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#11
Oct 10, 2009, 06:50 AM
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I had the same issue with my ex boyfriend. There is something i realized though now that i am out of that relationship. Im married now to a wonderful man. He has a ton of friends who are girls and you know what? Im not jealous at all, in fact ive become friends with them as well. He never hides anything from me. He even has two sisters and his mom is still around and still i feel fine about everything. Once in awhile ill get protective like we were at the grocery store together with the baby and some girl came up and was flirting with him while me and the baby were right there! He tried so hard bless his heart to mention i was his wife and she wouldnt get the point till i got snotty and said we got to go buy our son baby food so goodbye. ANYWAY..i realized one major difference between my husband and my ex. I know my husband puts me first, before his mom his sisters his friends. When it comes down to it the baby and I matter before anyone else and he doesnt want to screw that up, he loves me deeply and wants to be with me until one of us passes of old age. My ex on the other hand, i wasnt first. We lived together however when he had a problem he went to his mom. When he needed something he went to his sisters. I had to fight for his time and i felt unstable in our relationship because deep down i know that when it came down to it, he wouldnt be there for me. I didnt know that then, i was in love and thought i was a terrible person for feeling jealous. Ill tell you though, i did realize it when his mom kicked me out of the house and he just looked at me and said bye have a nice life. Then i was homeless in a different state for 9 days before i could go back to my home state where my family was. Its not just insecurity. Sometimes jealously is a gut signal in your body saying ok i know im not safe in this relationship whether it be physically, emotionally or what have you. Some way some how your gut knows this isnt the right situation for you so you put up a defense and become jealous in order to get control of the situation. And you dont know it right off the bat because your in love and you have yet to get into that defining situation when he has to pick if he wants to stand up for you and be there for you. You will know when you find the right man and you could care less if he has friends that are girls and could care less if he has a relationship with the females in his family because you will feel safe and you will feel like you are number one no matter what because he will treat you how you should be treated. Id say let it go, let him go. Go your seperate ways, because if your around him you will continue to harbor these feelings which will get in the way of a decent relationship with another man. Chalk it up to expeirence wish him well and walk away. There are many more men in the sea to be tripping over yourself for one of them. Good luck and if you need anything you can always pm me.
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#12
Oct 11, 2009, 03:56 PM
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dear marjan, theo, perfect and pamela...and also inny thank you so much for sharing your insights and also the advice....
 really i've reading all your posts again and again...all of you.... i'm glad that i'm not the only person on earth having that kind of problem..thank you everyone.. (((((((everyone)))))) even I'm no longer with my bf but there are many things I can learn from you ppl.. right now I'm just letting myself being healed...not by trying to see other guy though..(i'm just not ready yet for that).. i'm the kind who likes to work work and work to forget the pain.. the lowest state has already passed...so i guess it's time for me to be kind to myself... by not letting this breaking up stuff hurt me more and more everyday... time does heal the wounds..marjan.. once again thank you everybody.. take care y'all
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#13
Oct 11, 2009, 06:14 PM
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Hi. I know that I have issues with it also; maybe not in the same manner but same rooted problem. I have been this way FOREVER it seems like. I KNOW it is due to low self-esteem, confidence. There have been times that I felt a "false" confidence and was able to carry it for some time; but like now, when things aren't all going the right way, that false sense disappears and in a real fast way.
Now, I don't outwardly react vocally, and go so far as to try to not be transparent at all. I would certainly not ever let him know I was jealous. I am afraid he knows, but I do try extremely hard to hide it. BOTTOM LINE: it is unnecessary, unhealthy, self-destructive, and useless. I don't want to be this way anymore! When we find the answer to going back and fixing it, then moving forward in a new tone can we let each other know how we did it ? Any help fixing all of us like this would be great !! Thanks
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#14
Oct 12, 2009, 06:55 PM
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Inny is a great example here.....She's not jealous at her husband hanging out with girls or talking to them...why? because he loves her and he gives her the security she needs....
we are insecure? so what? we are....I think your jealousy has a reason behind and it's a system to protect you from getting hurt as Inny said....just try to accept the fact that he wasn't good for you....and you will find that special person....just be kind to yourself Quote:
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#15
Oct 14, 2009, 11:41 AM
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Quote:
If you feel you deserve to be loved, there's no need to be jealous, only pity for those who don't. |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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