She wants to talk...

My ex wrote me an email saying that she wanted to talk to me. She broke up with me two months ago, and I'm still kinda in the dark over the reason why, and I think she is too. I'm torn in two directions right now. I miss her, a lot, and I still love her. My heart tells me to talk to her, hear her out, see what this is all about. It tells me that everything can be repaired, that we can be happy again. My brain tells me that she hurt me, bad. When I used to think of her I thought of marriage, children, longevity, and love. Now I feel hurt, betrayed, and abandoned when I think of her. We had some issues in our relationship, nothing serious, little things here and there. But in order for me to "get over her" over these past months I've blown up the negative side of things so much in my head it's almost impossible to look past it now.

I may be looking too far into this, she may just ask for some of the things she left here back, or just to say hi, or who knows, maybe she has some horrible news that will drive my heart even deeper into the ground. I can't decide if I want to talk to her or not. For the past two months, all I wanted to do was talk to her, but I held myself back, didn't pick up the phone to call her, no emails, nothing. Now that she made the first step towards talking again, I don't know if I want to go through with it. I feel like the chances of anything positive coming out of this are so small and the chances of me getting stepped on again are so huge that it may be better just to spare myself the chance. I'm in a bad place right now mentally, she was the one thing in my life I was sure of and I lost her in the blink of an eye. A handful of other unfortunate events over the past few months have really put me into a pretty bad depression. I feel like if she tells me something like "I was cheating on you" I will just break into pieces right there.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what's on her mind and it scares me. I feel like such a fool for putting so much of myself into her. I basically tossed my own foundation out the window and adopted her as my new foundation. In doing so, I lost a lot of friends, but I considered it worth it because I was in love, I had what I had been searching for, I didn't need anything else. Now that it's over I feel even dumber because I brushed off friends for her and it all ended like this.

I don't know what to do.

If she is sending out a feeler about a possible reconciliation, how hard are you willing to work to make the relationship work? There may well be compromises that need to be made. A compromise entails concessions on both sides. Are you willing to make concessions?

I guess what I am asking is whether you agree changes will have to be made? The way you two related before did not work. What will? Maybe it means therapy? Are you willing to consider therapy?

Good luck in whatever way you choose to go.

you could email her back and ask her what she wants to talk about. then you'd be a bit more prepared or could tell her if you're not ready to discuss certain things. i think it might be good for you to talk to her since you say you don't understand why you guys broke up. it sounds as if that is haunting you a bit and a conversation could shed some light. or, starting an email dialog is another way to talk if you want a bit more distance.

I just wanted to say that the curioisty would kill me and I'd have to find out what she wanted, but that's me. Every time my Ex has wanted to talk I've had hopes of getting back with him.
It hasn't happened and I do feel great when I see him but later on I just wish that I hadn't seen him as it makes the nights more frustrating.

If you are going to wonder what would/could have been I'd say go for it but go in without hope (if you can) and just play it cool

I know it is a hard thing to do right now, but you have to try to put these "what if" thoughts out of your head and let them go. There is no way you or any of us will be able to know what she is thinking.

You mentioned that you don't know why she left you. That can make finding closure more difficult. I think you should wait and see what she has to say and then bring up the end of your relationship to try to get some answers. Do you think she is someone who will be willing to talk to you about that?

@TheByzantine - I do agree, changes would have to be made. As far as therapy goes, it's not going to happen. I am completely cash strapped at the moment for one. Secondly, her mother has imprinted her with the theory that therapy is for psychopaths and alcoholics. I brought this up once before when she was going through some of her own things and she immediately shot it down citing her mothers influence.

@Bloom3 - I think this is the route I'm going to take, if any. I am obviously very emotionally invested in this situation and I feel like if I am on the phone with her, hearing her voice, discussing these still pretty fresh topics with her, I may let my emotions speak rather than my mind. Emails at least let me really think about what I'm going to say before I say it rather than going off emotion.

@Belle1979 - The curiosity is killing me for sure. But like you said, I feel like while talking to her I'll be happy. But I know that later on I'll be sitting in bed alone thinking about everything and worrying myself and being frustrated with it all. It would be hard to go into a dialog with her right now without hoping we'll fix things. I'm still trying to figure out if I even WANT to fix things.

@PsyChris - I do think she is someone that would be willing to talk about things. But in her email she said "I hope things are looking up for you". I feel like she is showing me pity. Like our breakup totally destroyed me and she just walked away like nothing even happened. Before we broke up I lost my job, perhaps that's what she was talking about. I just, I dunno... I think she feels like I am some pathetic person now. I feel like she's going to talk down to me. The whole "hope things are looking up" is a contradiction, because the main thing that brought me down was losing her. If she was truely hoping things were "looking up" for me, we wouldn't have broken up and she would have worked through me trying to find a new job together.

I dunno, I haven't answered her yet and I don't want to keep her waiting forever. I think I am going to write her something short and without much emotion attached to it. Like Belle said, try to play it cool. There's still a very big part of me that wants to ignore it all together, because I know I'm opening the door to a lot of pain and anguish. But, I am going to at least hear her out.

I feel for you so much.
I'd reply with some thing short and sweet, especially seeing you haven't talked in a long time.
If you can meet in a public place and keep it short - coffee over a lunch break? - so that you have to leave after half hour or so, might be a way to not get too confused or emotional. If it goes well and you are still interested then you have the option to make another time/date.

Well we spoke for about 5 minutes last night. I called her just to wish her a merry christmas. It went ok, we didn't touch on any of the important subjects but I didn't really want to on christmas eve. She slipped up and called me babe, which kinda leads me to believe she still has feelings for me. I also slipped up and told her I missed her, so much for playing it cool. I got a bit choked up and she could tell, so I hurried off the phone before I really broke down. I dunno, gonna try to forget about it and put on my happy face for christmas today.

Merry Christmas.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Playing it cool is very difficult. Feel good about yourself for the fact that you are a nice guy by the sounds of it, loving and caring.

My feelings now are that you can't go back. If there is to be a future then it has to be a fresh start. New Beginnings....

If you do chose to get back with her take it slowly and see what the future will bring. The old issues can be talked about eventually but for now try to just enjoy life.

How is it going?

You seem to be leaning toward the hope of reconciliation and I truly hope you are able to work things out with her. Remember that communication through phone and email can be deceptive. It's easy to misconstrue intention when we are missing the vital element of body language. You are right that her slip ups could be an indication of her feelings for you but they could easily not be as well. Let us know how things go!

Hope you had a Merry Christmas. I think after your last phonecall, the ball is back in her court. Good luck to you.

I agree, I wasn't crying on the phone or anything, but I was just clearly down. After really thinking this out, and taking in the advice I recieved here and in real life, I think I need to go with my brain on this one and try to let her go. My heart got me into this mess, and consdering the beating it took I don't think it's in working order at the moment to make a smart decision. I don't really want to kid myself into thinking I can be her friend either. She was just too big of an impact on my life romantically for me to really think of her otherwise. At least that's how I feel now, maybe in a few months I can look at her a little differently.

Went out with some friends I hadn't seen in a while tonight and they tried to do the "You're single now, lets throw women at you" thing and I felt so strange, awkward and just NOT into it at all. So while I believe I've made a decision to let her go, I think it would also be wise to just stay single for now. Any relationship I'd get into now would probably just be based around my own loneliness rather than an actual connection. Besides, I have some work I need to do on myself in other areas as well.

You know tonight was the first night it really hit me that I am single now. It's a really strange feeling.

I know the feeling... I don't yet feel single but yeah it's starting to sink in.. totally a strange feeling when you are used to being a couple
I agree that a new relationship isn't the best idea.. neither is randomly getting involved with anyone else... I'm playing the same waiting game as you, I think it will feel right when it really is

You sounds like a very bright loving person who deserves a wonderful future!

Today is gonna be one of the harder days. It would've been our two year anniversary. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up (5 minutes ago). I kinda rushed over to the computer to spill my guts. Gonna try to stay with my mindset and not touch the phone but I have a feeling it's gonna be a very long day.

I hope that you ended up having an okay day
Will send you another PM in a second

I just wanted to see how you were doing.
It takes a very long time to become stronger than your feelings and emotions and some days are great and others are not!

So we finally spoke, really spoke, for 3 1/2 hours. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I finally got out everything I needed to say. Telling her she didn't even work on our relationship. Telling her how some of the things she said and did made me feel. Just spilling every little thing that had been brewing inside me. It hurt to say, but I kept my composure and handled it well I believe.

She told me she just couldn't deal with it anymore. She thought I had given up hope on myself after losing my job. She said she felt like I had nothing in my life but her. She felt I didn't have any dreams other than being with her. My answer was naturally that that WAS all I ever dreamed of. All I want out of life is a girl that loves me as much as I love her, a decent house, enough money to pay the bills and maybe a vacation every year or so. That is my dream. I'm not a kid anymore, I can't dream of being an astronaut or Michael Jordan. I told her when I needed her most and reached my hand out the furthest she pulled hers away.

I just don't think men are supposed to understand women. She left me because I loved her too much? Because I needed her when I fell on hard times? Because I couldn't provide for her? For centuries there have been countless love stories about couples that have just enough to feed themselves, but their love sustains them. Couples that endure tragedy and come out stronger because of it. They grow old together, still getting by on little to nothing. Yet these couples are the happiest you'll find on this planet. I feel like the possibility of that type of love was taken from me, but I will persevere.

We did not fight or argue. It was very civil, and suprisingly she listened to what I had to say. I get the feeling from her that some of the feelings are still there. Just some of the little things she said, some of her responses, her memories of us. It sounds like she was unsure of all of this and somewhat pushed into a breakup. But now, I'm really starting to believe it was for the better. I do still love her, and my heart still hurts when reminded of her, but it's different now. I've had enough time to take a step back and look at things logically, really sort everything out in my head. I think this was a blessing in disguise. I've become much closer with my brother over the past few months while all of this happened. I've begun medication and will soon be starting therapy (for a wide range of issues, not just this). I've gotten in touch with some of the friends I abandoned when we started dating. I am weak right now, but I believe in a few months I will be stronger than I've ever been.

She wants to keep talking on a friendly level. I told her I'd call her sometime in the future, I just haven't decided when yet. I am just so... satisfied... that I have finally gotten some closure to this. I'm not saying "I'm all cured! See ya guys!", just that I know I've taken a big step in getting better. I really appreciate all of the support I've recieved from you all throughout this whole ordeal, it means a lot to know that people can care about someone they've never even met. Not to mention giving great advice

And on that note, holy hell it's 4:22am. Goodnight.

This is a fantastic post!
You sound strong, incontrol and mature about it all.
Keep posting and keep intouch with me
I really believe that you are now on the road to recovery and that it will all happen naturally for you now xx