[Belle1979]

Hi All,

I have a post on the divorce and seperation forum if anyone needs background on this.
My ex (strange to call him that) says he REALLY wants to be friends, that he values me as a person, likes who I am and honestly enjoys my company (he just stopped loving me after 5 years together for reasons unknown to either of us at this stage).
What I want to know is CAN you be friends with an ex who has ripped your world apart?
I feel that I am only wanting to be friends to hang onto SOMETHING that we had... I'm still all very emotional and going thro hell right now (it's only been a couple of weeks and we slept together last weekend - BIG mistake on my part as I'm too emotionally attached and read more into it than I should have.)

It's not like he have had a bad break up so far - other then the fact that I'm finding it hard to find boundaries right now. He wants to help me thro the break-up.. Strange but it's the type of relationship we have always had.
So any advice or personal experiences with trying to remain friends and how to go about it would be much appreciated

[jerrymichele]

Imo I couldn't be friends right after the breakup, but maybe he might want you back. It is really important for you to have your boundaries. A breakup is bad enough without the other one playing head games.

[Belle1979]

He doesn't want me back - I have finally accepted that it is all over (I spent the last week hoping for a different outcome).
He's still in touch with me but after a discussion on a couple of days a go where I got all annoyed that he was going out with friends to dinner (Me jumping to the conclusion that he was going on a date..) We had what would be our first argument. In the 5 years together we probably only ever disagreed 5 times.. and they weren't arguments really.. just misunderstandings I guess.
I can't keep hanging on to hope that really is not there.. my irrational side says that he can't just have stopped loving me and that the love is there somewhere and there is a key that I just can't find.. Makes no sense really. He's really tried in his heart and head to figure out what happened... sadly the love is just gone... No explainations, no reason and no answers....
He says it's not what he wanted either, but after two months of thinking about it in his head before telling me, I don't think that it's going to change.

Yep Friends is going to be horrible and I'm still just hanging on to what I can so that I lose it all. My rational side says STOP.. it's over and time to move forward.

Main problems now is that he's living in the house we bought together (I moved out) and I just want him gone from there as feel ownership over what he does in the house....

[jerrymichele]

2 months isn't that long. Do you think that he might be cheating? I'm not asking that to hurt you. Why is he wanting to be friends when he is telling you that it's over with? Does he have any idea how this is hurting you? I'm so sorry that you are going threw this.

[sunrise]

Missing_Mark, I am friends with my ex. We separated over 2 years ago, finished off the legalities last summer, and our divorce will be final next month. We get along very well, but we had a long, long period in which to come to terms with our marriage's end. We also had couples therapy to help us uncouple, and that was very helpful.

Originally Posted by missing mark

My ex (strange to call him that) says he REALLY wants to be friends, that he values me as a person, likes who I am and honestly enjoys my company (he just stopped loving me after 5 years together for reasons unknown to either of us at this stage).
What I want to know is CAN you be friends with an ex who has ripped your world apart?

I think yes, you can be friends at some point in the future. If you are still feeling that he ripped your world apart, then I think you are not ready yet to be friends. You are still hurting too much. Yes, it does get better. Can you tell him you need time and space and that perhaps in the future, you will be able to be friends?

I'm still all very emotional and going thro hell right now

I think that is all the more reason to get some distance between you now.

(it's only been a couple of weeks and we slept together last weekend - BIG mistake on my part as I'm too emotionally attached and read more into it than I should have.)

If he wants to split up with you, why is he sleeping with you? It sounds like you are still hoping for the relationship to somehow not end, so I could see why you might be vulnerable to his overtures. But if he wants out of the relationship, why is he sleeping with you? I think it is very hurtful of him and sounds like he is taking advantage of your pain and vulnerability.

after a discussion on a couple of days a go where I got all annoyed that he was going out with friends to dinner (Me jumping to the conclusion that he was going on a date..)

This is another sign you are not ready to be friends yet. The two of you are single now, and dating is going to be part of your lives. Since you are not married anymore, you have no hold on him to be faithful to you. When you are more comfortable with his and your single status, it will be easier to be friends.

my irrational side says that he can't just have stopped loving me and that the love is there somewhere and there is a key that I just can't find.. Makes no sense really. He's really tried in his heart and head to figure out what happened... sadly the love is just gone... No explainations, no reason and no answers....
He says it's not what he wanted either

These things can really gnaw at us. I know therapy is not for everyone, but I have found therapy really helpful in dealing with issues like that--why did he stop loving me? what is the key? what sense in this is there? why did the love go away? why did we split up if he said this isn't what he wanted? These questions can go round and round in one's head. A good family or marriage therapist can help you process your feelings, grieve the loss of the relationship, and move forward. But it is very very hard to move forward if we haven't allowed ourselves to grieve, so don't rush yourself. Be kind to yourself and get some help from a counselor.

after two months of thinking about it in his head before telling me, I don't think that it's going to change.

Two months seems like a very, very short time to think about this major life change before taking action.

My rational side says STOP.. it's over and time to move forward.

The rational side needs to allow you to process and grieve. Tell rational side to chill.

If your H is willing, a couples therapist can also help the two of you process this together and uncouple. I know it sounds strange, but uncoupling therapy was soooo helpful to me and my XH. AFter being married for years, a couple becomes intertwined in so many ways. The therapist can help you untangle and pull apart emotionally.

Main problems now is that he's living in the house we bought together (I moved out) and I just want him gone from there as feel ownership over what he does in the house....

Is he planning to move out? Who got the house in the settlement? If you got the house, can you set a deadline for him to move out so you can move back in?

I agree it is really important to set some boundaries. When you have established firm boundaries and have finished grieving, friendship may be possible.

Good luck. I have been there not so long ago. It does get better.

[Belle1979]

Thank you for the support

In response to one reply No he's not cheating on me. We are honest enough with each other that if it was that he would have told me not to mention the fact that we did try couples counselling at the start.

I will get the house when everything is settled - It was my money that we used to buy it in the first place, there is not dispute.

I have a therapist that I am seeing on the 2nd of December (sooo far away) and at this stage Mark is willing to come with me. Not to try and save the relationship but to learn how to be friends again I guess.

2 months does seems like a short time to make a life changing decision. I wanted to keep trying (hence sleeping together, I was hoping that the love wasn't gone and that passion and fire would spark something). He says that he just feels "nothing" when it comes to loving me. I don't think that there are any answers right now but later down the track maybe one or both of us will figure out what it is.

I've started to realise a few things about myself and he says this has made him learn a few lessons too... I just don't know what they are.

I am hoping that the therapy (fingers crossed he will still attend) will help us come to terms with what happened, that there is nothing that can change it but help us become 'friends' eventually.

[bebop]

yes it is very possible to become friends. I am friends with my ex.

[Belle1979]

Thank you.
How do you get past the hurt at the start? And can you get past the thought that they will eventually find another person they want to spend their lives with?

[salukigirl]

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He really likes your company but doesn't want to be tied down by a girlfriend. My guess is that he just wants to be single but still wants all the benefits (i.e. sleeping together). Its not fair to you at all. I would cut ties immediately.

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He really likes your company but doesn't want to be tied down by a girlfriend. My guess is that he just wants to be single but still wants all the benefits (i.e. sleeping together). Its not fair to you at all. I would cut ties immediately.

Sleeping together was my idea actually (something the therapist said about men not understanding that love is still there when the passion is lost... so I thought to re-ignite the spark - it wasn't what was wrong... the passion and fire is still there) Mark has since said that it's not a good idea - it was great but emotionally he knows it's sooo wrong for me right now.

We are still chatting (email, txt etc). He seems to want to make sure I'm okay (not going to top myself I guess) possibly from guilt as well as other feelings of friendship - I just don't know.

We are taking a step back for the moment - which means not discussing the break up as much... I'll never have all the answers and I just have to stop looking as it's not healthy for me.

Hopefully the therapist will be able to shed a little light on what the next step for me should be...

[Rhapsody]

I say yes and I even think it is for the best if there are children involved.... my sister is still friends with her ex (they have a 10 yr old daughter together) and she still goes over to the ex's house where she gets along well with the new wife... all four of them go to family functions as a team.

Most people find what she is doing as weird, but I find it COURAGE'S!!

[jerrymichele]

I think that it's really good that he's going to therapy with you. I'm going to see if one of my friends will give you a post. She is so good at this. Personally, I seem to think that he still loves you.

[trs60586]

In response to your original question, yes you can be friends with your ex.

Don't worry about that now though as "friend" covers a whole lot of territory; anything from friend with benefits to very close personal friend that you trust with your deepest feelings to that friend that you occasionally cross paths with but otherwise they aren't a significant part of your life.

Right now your focus needs to be on the immediate situation and the only person you truly have to be sure who's emotional well being is being taken care of. That person is you. What becomes of the relationship is secondary at this moment.

You seem very conflicted about this relationship and still have a strong emotional involvement in it. Just look at your screen name. Your whole identity is defined by someone else, i.e. mark. You call him your ex boyfriend but hold on to hopes that you will be back together again. You say it's over but still want him in your life. I don't think couples therapy is what you should be pursuing right now. You're not sure where you really stand so you need to first get a clearer view on where you are and where you want to be. If you don't know where you are then you can't even begin to approach the relationship.

I suggest you see a therapist on your own, and he do the same if he's so inclined as it sounds like he also has mixed feelings. Once you have a better focus of what direction you want to be heading in, then couples therapy may be an option if you both feel it would be helpful in resolving the relationship, whichever way it goes.

It hurts, you're unsure what to do, you're searching within yourself to place blame. Take a few steps back to get a better perspective of the situation. Do what you need to do to make sure you are not stuck floating in uncertainty.

I offer this advice not in criticism but with hope that the knowledge that comes with age (I'm probably old enough to be your dad) and the battle scars accumulated over the years will be of help to you.

Be well.

[Belle1979]

Thank you both

I don't really think that I'm confused as to where we stand RIGHT now. He doesn't love me and as I said to him I get what he's saying but I don't understand why??
My screen name was from when we were in 'limbo' trying to save what we had.. actually don't know how to change it
I understand that we have broken up, emotionally I'm a mess but trying my best to work through it all. The fact that he wants to 'be there' to help me through it is just as confusing but I'm finding it hard to let go. I guess most of it is habit and I'm trying to break it.
I wont say that right now I don't want him to change his mind, natural feelings I think.
I'm still looking for answers to the big question, how does love just stop, he says there is no reason, nothing I did wrong blah blah that I'm wonderful and did everything he could possibly want/need.
I'm starting to think that I did TOO much, but I loved him and just wanted to make him happy.
I'm not sure if he will come to the conselling session, I still intend to go it alone. It will just make me a better person and hopefully I'll be able to find ME again.
I'm out seeing friends that I have hardly seen in 5 years which is nice, I try REALLY hard to be happy and not talk about him... so hard when your life has revolved around one person for such a long time.

I went to the solicitor's yesterday to start getting all of the house paperwork started and I had to ring him to ask a couple of questions. In the end I thought he was angry with me. Later he rang me to see how it went and to say he wasn't angry, just busy at work. I ended up sending him a txt message telling him that if he CHOSES to ring me I don't want to feel like S*** when I get off the phone. His tone of vioce was hurtful. I Don't expect him to be 'loving' but just nice. A little affection can still be there without me getting my hopes up.
He replied 'I didn't mean to sound that way. I rang to say I wasn't angry. I didn't want it to sound like that'
Which is okay... I reminded him that I'm a girl and to think of me as a girl not as an ex... girls are just different. (more a woman really LOL turning 30 on the 5th of december!)
It made me feel better to sort of 'have a go' at him about his tone of voice.... Finally feel like I'm doing something for me.

Long post.. probably round and round in circles again...

Once again a heart felt thank you for the support and advice.

[trs60586]

Well it does sound like you are indeed striking out on a path of your own again and trying to ensure that you alone determine how you will feel, so good for you. Much better than replaying it over and over again in your head trying to figure out where you went wrong, brooding over what you did or didn't do to cause this. We're all complex creatures, sometimes doing things that have no real rational explanation.

Maybe you really didn't do anything wrong and once you bought the house and were living together he got spooked about loosing his "space". Maybe you did try too hard and he felt smothered but kept that fact bottled up inside. Not being willing to or not being able to figure out how to express true deep feelings is not an uncommon condition with men. I know I have trouble with it and it frustrates me. Maybe that's why he says there is no reason why the love withered.

There's the possibility that he truly doesn't know why, that he knows why but can't figure out a way to tell you, that he won't say because he genuinely still cares about you and feels that telling you would hurt you and he doesn't want to do that, and there's the chance that he really knows the reason but won't say because he's ashamed or trying to hide something that if you knew about would make you justifiably very angry/hurt.

This is all pretty much speculation on my part, and as they say there's always three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth. Not that one or both are not being honest, it's just that based on the way the sexes generally see and interpret things differently, plus each person having their own individual viewpoint makes each one perceive it in their own unique way.

Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt on the return phone call. He really may have been stressed out between the personal issues and being busy at work. It seems like he at least realized that he may have not come across very well when you called him, so he called you back trying to apologize in his way. Is it possible that you were still miffed when he called back and were kind of looking for some friction? You did say you kind of told him off, which you were right to do if he indeed was being nasty. He does owe you the common courtesy of being at least civil, especially since he says you are totally not at fault.

Be good to yourself.

p.s.
Contact one of the forum moderators and ask them to change your screen name if you want to. They should be able to do it without loosing the posts you've already made.

[Belle1979]

Your advice is so special to me right now, thank you

I think that he really doesn't know where the feelings went. He has said that this is not what he wanted (to lose the love). Just that it seems to be gone in one conversation he expressed it like this "I don't think you can just get that love back, maybe something will change. I just don't know. All I know is we couldn't go on in limbo"

It was when we decided to actually call it quits (his call of course not mine).

Time to cheer up a bit I think. Once again thanks for the reply

I think that friendship is going to be harder than trying to find the love LOL

Hello Mark

I miss you so so much.

Looks like we are missing same person perhaps???
just kidding... I can see that you are in Perth Austraila.
Becuase I am in Canada...

Anyways, hope everything will work out with you and Mark.

I love that name...

MARK...

[phoenix47baby]

that I'm finding it hard to find boundaries right now.

--------stay away from him until you can establish some of your own boundaries, ways of coping, etc. It takes time to re-establish a relationship especially after having a certain level of intimacy. Keep the faith, take care of yourself and hang in there!

[Belle1979]

--------stay away from him until you can establish some of your own boundaries, ways of coping, etc. It takes time to re-establish a relationship especially after having a certain level of intimacy. Keep the faith, take care of yourself and hang in there![/quote]

Thank you. I was doing really well in myself today. I went shopping and it was great... then he rang. I gnored the call... he rang back and I should have answered but didn't... ended p wth text messages. Me sounding cold and him sounding polite... Now I feel so sad and confused again. He said he just wanted to know how much to cut the trees back (He's living in the house for the time being). I guess I was hoping for more than him ringing me for that..but the it is something he could have text instead of calling so why didn't he do that in the first place.

I am do want him back - ad have a few books ect on t. I have TW Jacksons the Maic of making up..... ANYONE out there read it? It seems to have good coping techniqes but the 3 days without contact is going to be hard as he contacts me when I'm trying to keep a level head...

Any advice would be REALLY appreciated.

[jerrymichele]

Do you have some friends that you can hang around with?

[Belle1979]

I have been seeing friends (that I hadn't seen properly for some time) and it really does help. They have their own lives tho so don't want to be to needy of them. I was actally suprised how they rallied around me to support me.
I don't have MANY friends anymore but the ones I have are great. My parents are been a wonderful support too. I feel like I'm asking too much of both (Friends and Family) but I've always done everything to make others happy so maybe this is just my turn??
Am tired al of the time now...guess am at the depression stage. I don't THINK I need anti-depressants... have been on them once before and it took a long time to get back off them. I'm an alcoholic (sober 4 years) and I figure if I was going to hit rock bottom the first thing I'd do is drink... I've thought about it (quite a bit) but I don't see me falling back into bad habits, at least not this week.

[sunrise]

There are sometimes local divorce support groups you could go to. I have never gone but I know they are around. Sometimes they are called divorce recovery groups.

Good luck.

[lynn P.]

I do think it's possible to become friends after divorce or a serious relationship but it takes time. Each one needs to work through all of their emotions where they abandone the romantic feeling and reach a point where they feel peaceful. I don't think this kind of thing, can be pushed prematurely because then one partner may feel sadness everytime they see or talk to the ex. I'm a firm believer in trying to become friends or at least being civil, especially when there are kids involved. I think it sad that most people think exes should automatically become enemies. I also believe you can even still feel love for that person, just not the romantic kind.

I'm in a very unusual kind of marriage situation - you can read my profile if you like. I went through every emotion imaginable before I finally came to the point where I was willing to be civil and feel compassion for my partner. For me there was an incredible amount of anger I had to work through and there was no way we could have jumped into friendship right away. It's taken 3 yrs. to get to where I am now Best of luck.

[Belle1979]

Thank you

I am actually doing really well so far today (in Australia it's 6:48am). I have realised that it's all just going to take time.... one day at a time I guess. Mark had rung me over the weekend but I didn't take the calls.... It's too hard to not ask the questions I would usually have asked and probably don't really have the right to know the answers or really want to know the answers either (if any of that makes sense I'm not sure LOL).
I do want to be friends with him but it's going to be more of a struggle than being in a relationship I think. He still hasn't found a place to rent which is not doing me any good as he's just up the road and I need to get back into my house to sort out MY life. I don't want to kick him out as for the time being it suits me financially and really I'm just a nice type of person and wouldn't want anyone to think bad thoughts of me....

Once again thanks for the advice. I agree with you, I think it's important to stay friends with someone who has shared such a large chunk of life , love and laughter with you...
I just hope that I can do it... Always open to new beginnings and I think that this is going to be one of them

[lynn P.]

Really I can see why he wants to be friends with you - you're a kind person