[dayley]

Hi guys well it's taking a lot of guts logging on to somewhere like this because I really need some suppot. Please don't hate me because I don't mean to cause any harm and don't want to upset anyone. The thing is I am in a relationship with a guy who I love dearly and know he loves me equally as much. Only problem is he is married so I am the "other woman". I didn't know he was married until I had well and truly fallen in love with him and then it was just too hard and too late to end it with him. I feel selfish and cruel towards his wife at times, but then at times I think well it's him that is married so I shouldn't carry all the blame myself. It's just so hard I don't know which way to turn - I don't want to hurt anyone (especially his wife or his grown up children) but I really really want to be with him. Although we don't get to spend much time together when we do it's awesome and wonderful. At the moment we're getting to spend a whole month together because he's on study leave. When we have to go back to normal I know that will be hard. Oh please don't hate me guys I just need some support.

what is his excuse for not leaving the wife, divorcing her and living happily ever after with you? my marriage was broken up by this very thing, so i don't have any supportive words for you. just look and hard, about why he needs to go outside his marriage for sex. the "other woman" rarely ends up with the man. and another thing, if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you.

[nothemama8]

Welcome, I'm in agreement with fayerody, this man will cheat on you after he's tired of you, ask him if he'll leave his wife to marry you, if he gives an excuse then run as fast as you can, you can do better
Angie

[Hope4me2]

I agree with the others..........you can do better and you DESERVE better. Why would you settle for someone who cheats on his wife? If they cheat once they will do it again....it is a sickness in them they are trying to FIX....He will be happy with you for awhile but like his wife you too will get old to him and he will move on to another.....my family has seen this happen way to MANY times......good luck if you stay....you will need it..

[MacD]

Darlin...noone can hate you for being human...but ask yourself this one question and really ponder it - Do you really want to live on "leftovers"? That's what a relationship with a married person is....Their spouse is their legal and chosen partner (and few leave)...and you are the one that they know will always take what's left. You're worth alot more....Hang in There. grace

[dayley]

Did say I didn't want to hurt anyone and that includes you guys so I'm sorry if this has upset or offended anyone x

[nothemama8]

You have not offended anyone , we just want you to be safe
Angie

dayley, it would be hard to find a woman that would be agreeable to the situation you have..... a lot of us have been cheated on and it is really a complicated subject to bring up. my support for you would be for you to wake up and smell the coffee. my husband cheated on his first wife.....divorced her and was single for awhile.......i didn't know him then.....met me and we married.....he cheated on me..........it's a cycle for those kind of men....it never quits, trust me and millions of women, out there..it's like being addicted to gambling, booze, pot, etc. xoxo pat

[dayley]

I know and I guess you're right - thanks guys!

[CedarS]

We definitely don't hate you! And yeah, I agree with what everyone else said, wise words.

If you are into it, browse bookstores and libraries, there are good books out there for women in just your position. And anything that helps with choice making would be helpful too.

[Junerain]

I did the same thing you are!! Wow, it is exciting to be in an affair!! The things you feel are real!! I was so in love with Mark, and in some way, it was real. It was awesomely exciting and I also thought ill of his wife and wanted him for my own. Man was it exciting though. Do you know what happened? I told someone about us and he broke up with me, and I had no way to greive because I couldn't say 'my boyfriend broke up with me..' because he was never my boyfriend! So I coudln't properly greive. Couldn't tell anyone so I coudlnt get any support. To this day I am wounded and that was five years ago Iv;e never gotten over it.

[LMo]

Actually, and I don't admit this often, *I* cheated on my ex (before we were married). It was a torrid love affair and I would regret it... if my ex and I were still together (but he dumped me, so I don't regret it now in the least). I disagree that if you cheat once, then you're guaranteed to cheat again. I will NEVER do that again because a) I love my husband more than anything in the world, and b) I would never want to relive the guilt and the internal conflict.

There are always "extenuating" circumstances that "justify" cheating. But it's cheating nonetheless.

I guess I don't have any real advice for you other than hoping you'll do the intellectually smart thing and get out. Don't have the guilt hanging over your head of wrecking a marriage -- it would be thousand times more painful to the wife to be left for another woman than to have the marriage just drift apart. And as things stand, he's not doing you justice -- he's keeping you unavailable to find legitimate love with someone who can commit to you. You're not being fair to yourself by staying in this situation.

[DawnS]

Hello and welcome Dayley,

I am not one to judge because I really hate to be judged myself so dont worry about me hating you.

If I read your post right, you didnt find out he was married until after the "relationship" started and if that is the case I guess if it was me I would be wondering why he lied to me in the first place. Not telling you he was married is basically a lie. I would also look at it this way, if a man cant be faithful to the relationship he is in - happy or not - how am I going to trust him to be faithful to me even if he was to leave his wife today and be with me. Personally I wouldnt be able to trust a man who withheld that information no matter how much I loved him. I believe all relationships - friendships, dating, marriages - should be built on trust. Without it you really have nothing. I guess I would be too worried about being hurt. I understand the feeling of hating the other woman, but actually she is a victim even though that is hard to see at times. He has lied to her as well. Not all people cheat again if they have cheated once before, however if someone lied to me from the beginning I would not be able to have a relationship with him even though loved him. I guess that is my two cents worth. I wish you the best Dayley.

~Dawn

[Hope4me2]

Dayley
I do not hate you and you have not offended me in anyway....just want you to take care of yourself....you deserve so much better then what your getting now..hope my post before did not sound harsh I did not mean it to...just that my mom left my dad when I was 2yrs old for another man and it broke up our family apart and she abandoned us since then and that was 47 yrs ago...she since has had other kids but us kids do not matter to her.... so this hits a tender nerve in me sorry....but that is ABOUT ME NOT YOU.....you take care of you now ok....be good to yourself thinking of you

[LadyDragus]

I can not hate you, because I did this excat thing to my ex husband. all I will say, is I am so sorry, you have to be in this sitution, sometimes it is very hard to deal when the man wont do anything to show you that he loves you, or wont show that he is going to leave his wife.

I do agree ask him point blank on this month if he is going to leave his wife anytime soon, if there kdis are full grown and out of the house then he really has nothing to keep him with her, unless he is only seeking sex, with someone younger and more active then his wife?????
Been there before too.. Men and woman alike do this it is just very hard for others to see this when they have been cheated on, I was the one who cheated so I can see it from both sides of the coin and I can understand how badly it hurts both sides of the marriage, .

Look deep inside yourself, and ask, can I trust him, not to do this to me, if we do get with each other permanatly ??? Can he be faithful to me, and only me, or in a few years will he get tired of me like he has his wife??
These are all questions you need to ask yoursefl..

I am only giveing you friendly adivce from the other side of the street ok.
Understand I am on the other end, I was the woman who cheated, not the man 0k..

[dayley]

Thanks very much to each and every one of you for your friendship and support... I am going to do some long and hard thinking this weekend and if it feels right then I'll be biting the bullet sometime this week. Thanks guys... love you all x

[(JD)]

((((dayley))) Do the best you can for what is truly right for this situation, and you. Welcome to pc.

[LadyDragus]

Just be safe ok.. Please keep us updated on what is going on.. ok..

oh and stay around if you still need to this place is full of wonderful people who can help with any sort of problem you have ok..

[bebop]

I don't think it will ever "feel" right for you. But like the others said. if he cheated on his wife he would cheat on you and more than likely has someone else as well. best to get rid of him now before it is too late. Take care

I was "the other woman" and when the "s---" hit the fan it really stunk things up.
RUN as fast as you can. Grieving the loss is a whole lot better than living with the end results. The man I was seeing cheated on the women he was cheating on his wife with--even has a kid or two running around. Don't fall for his "I would never do that to you" line cause he's already doing it. white_iris

[dayley]

You really are wonderful people all of you - I dont deserve your support friendship or advice - I am so glad I have a place like this to come to you guys. Its just so hard no matter which route I take

[nothemama8]

Have you asked him to leave his wife and make a commitment to you yet?
Angie

[LadyDragus]

yes it will be, but you have to make up your mind on your own.. you can not let him decide it for you..
Men like him, wont stop at this one.. He may even have a second on going on, and you might not evein know about it..

Trust yoru gut instict in this matter ok..

Keep talking to us, about this ok.. We are here ok..

[SweetCrusader]

I have something to add. I usually shy away from this topic because thinking about unfaithfulness in marriage triggers issues for me, but I read your thread without initially knowing what it was about and I feel compelled to say...

Hon, he's ALREADY cheated on you. You thought you were in a relationship with a single man, but really he was with another woman. Even though SHE is the one he's married to, YOU were also deceived. He didn't just cheat on her with you, he cheated on you, too. Hope that makes sense and puts it in a bit more perspective for you.

[LMo]

Yeah, good point, SweetC! That's kinda gross to think that he's kissing (etc) his wife. How do you not get turned off at that thought?