[CJR520]

I go with my husband to woodworking shows that he loves, to look at tools, etc. and always have. We do a lot together. Last week he was telling me what a good person I am and what a caring person, etc. This week, I never let him look at the things he wants to look at long enough. I act like I am bored because I go to a different section of a store to look at things that I am interested in. I went to a big wood show with him, and he gets upset if I get out of his sight. I am deserting him and not being interested.I sit through seminars with him at these wood shows that I am not even interested in and then, he brings me to tears yesterday when I did not feel well and had a swollen knee from an old accident. He wanted to go from Home Depot to Lowes, etc. while I walk and stand and wait on him to look at tools, etc. I am 60 and he is 63. He gets into these fits of anger over nothing, and I am thinking that he needs to make these trips alone, so I don't have to put up with this. Do the rest of you go through this, too? I just got done making him a nice breakfast and cutting his hair, then the whole rest of the day is ruined with this tantrum he puts on. He just spent the last two years making me miserable with male mid life crisis, then we have to go through this every now and then. I really want to throw in the towel!!!

[delirium77]

Just be glad you have a man. I finally found my soulmate.. a person I feel something so strong for I've never felt for anyone.. he told me he loved me so much and would love me til the day he died. Everything about our meeting was so magickal, it blew away every other relationship I've ever had with anyone. Unfortunately he is polyamorous and married and could never understand my emotional needs and we couldn't make things work or ever come to a common understanding about anything. He turned around and stabbed me in the back.. slept with his "friend" because I was a bit distant for a week, then took his wife to hawaii which was a trip he'd gotten for me.. told me he could never love me because of the depression I suffer from (mostly because of him and people like him who have no integrity who I can never count on for ****) and I can't accept his wife... backstabbed me and deserted me. Now I'm so hopeless, I have no faith in humans anymore or anything, I just want to die.. Life seems so meaningless and empty. I'd had enough bad experiences already.. this just topped it off. I'm not alive anymore, I'm so dead inside. I'm losing my sanity.. I have no one and no hope.

So just be glad you have a husband. Be greatful for what you have. Some people are not so lucky. It sounds like such a petty thing than what I've always had to deal with. I'm considered very attractive and seem to have everything going for me, but men just want to **** me.. they never give a damn. They're so eager to get in my pants and act like they're so crazy for me, then turn around and desert me in a heartbeat. They never care about me, my feelings. I am alone and have no one, no family, no true friends, nothing.

Just be glad you have a husband. Just be glad you have someone who loved you enough to marry you and be true to you. Just love him and be glad for him and greatful you have each other. Don't fuss over the little and petty things. Sorry to not give you the answer you wanted, but just.. seriously.. You don't know how lucky you are.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by CJR520

I go with my husband to woodworking shows that he loves, to look at tools, etc. and always have. We do a lot together. Last week he was telling me what a good person I am and what a caring person, etc. This week, I never let him look at the things he wants to look at long enough. I act like I am bored because I go to a different section of a store to look at things that I am interested in. I went to a big wood show with him, and he gets upset if I get out of his sight. I am deserting him and not being interested.I sit through seminars with him at these wood shows that I am not even interested in and then, he brings me to tears yesterday when I did not feel well and had a swollen knee from an old accident. He wanted to go from Home Depot to Lowes, etc. while I walk and stand and wait on him to look at tools, etc. I am 60 and he is 63. He gets into these fits of anger over nothing, and I am thinking that he needs to make these trips alone, so I don't have to put up with this. Do the rest of you go through this, too? I just got done making him a nice breakfast and cutting his hair, then the whole rest of the day is ruined with this tantrum he puts on. He just spent the last two years making me miserable with male mid life crisis, then we have to go through this every now and then. I really want to throw in the towel!!!

Have you thought about both of you going to therapy? I got to say that I couldn't sit or have any interest in doing those things either. Why does he get so upset because you don't like doing his things? I compare that to going to a store where you buy tires. I wouldn't want to go and do that. If it was me I would have a talk with him. If that doesn't work try therapy. Sounds like he needs some friends.

[salukigirl]

Sounds like maybe you guys need to have lives of your own? I think a big part of keeping a relationship healthy is remembering who you are. I have noticed that in relationships where the bf and I do EVERYTHING together and always go places together and never have any time to ourselves go sour very fast. My current bf and I aren't like that at all. I will go to the gym with him if he needs some motivation or he will go with me someplace if I really want him to. But I still go out with my friends and he still goes out with his.

I don't get his point of flipping out if you go to a separate isle? If we do go to the same store it's expected for us to lose each other a couple times lol We go to the mall together, he goes to one store and I go to another. Its important for him to be able to let you do what you want and vise versa.

I do agree however that it is nice to have someone who tells you how caring you are even if there are crying bouts. Every relationship has points like this. You need to communicate with him that he has absolutely no reason to get mad if you go to a different isle. That really doesn't make any sense to me at all. Who cares if you're not interested? You're doing it aren't you? It's like if I told my boyfriend "but you're not doing the dishes because you WANT to". Who cares? What matters is that you care enough about him to do those things for him. You need to tell him that.

[NuckingFutz]

Maybe he should have married a carpenter?! Seriously though. Sit down and have a nice talk about having your time, his time and "our time". I'm seeing that there is no balance in the "our time" area. You know, the one that gets so many marriages in hot water when each person's interests do not get equal "us time"? I had to learn the hard way because my parental units did not show me healthy sharing. But I have learned to sit through the occasional Lady Longhorn's basket ball game if that's what she likes. Give it try and keep posting. There are a lot of good men out there, generalising them could be your pain talking. Let us know how things are going.

[CJR520]

I think he realized how silly it was, on Monday, he came home with our dinner that he had picked up on the way home, which is not usual for him. He is one of those very proud people who has a hard time verbalizing things. He has to realized that this is a form of mental abuse, but I will not fall for it any more. Maybe it is time for another trip out of state to my sisters house for R&R. I volunteer at our church, and do things myself, and have my own friends I go out to lunch with now and then. He is very dependent on me, and we do love to do things together, but there can be too much together. That is right! You can smother the other guy.

[NuckingFutz]

What?! No flowers?! Get thee some flowers. Keep working on the marrital issue. Repeat as necessary (I got this part off a shampoo bottle). Glad he came round. Next week maybe take him with you when you get your nails done...the ultimate test (joke, mania inspired).

[(JD)]

Has he always gone into fits of anger? If not, if this is more recent, he may need selenium for hardening of the arteries. My dad began this and we began feeding him selenium and the angry bursts stopped.
How long has it been since he's had a complete physical?

[CJR520]

Maybe I will try the selenium. Thanks for all the help and understanding. I think part of his problem is depression on and off, too. I went to a christian counselor a couple of years ago because of his mid-life crisis deal. The counselor told me he was too spoiled;by me. Just last night he got a phone call from another man while he was out doing the chores, asking for him by name. I said would you like him to call you back, and the fellow said yes, then hung up before giving me his name and number. I told hubby and he said no one would be calling me! One of his biggest problems is that he won't call anyone else. He has some very nice friends who would love to do things with him, but he is very stubborn, and it is too bad. I can fill the slot sometimes, but not all the time. He is a very good woodworker, can fix our appliances, electrical, fix cars, very smart and handy. A skillful person! Just sticks to himself too much. I can't do much to change that at his age of 63, I guess. I see some other older men around us that are like this also. Maybe it is a man thing!

[NuckingFutz]

Do not think it is a man thing. Sounds like a bit of social phobia or little depression, how many times have we read about this behavior on here? Now the stubborn part may be tied in with the tostestrone. Kind of like men getting lost because they don't ask for directions.

[perpetuallysad]

I think its wonderful that you two have each other and I hope he works on his issues with having you with him all the time. I know I feel far more comfortable in social (ok, anywhere outside the house) situations if my husband comes with me, but I have severe agoraphobia. Maybe he just feels more comfortable with you with him and you need to explain you maybe don't always have the best time looking at tools. I know that my husband hates to go grocery shopping, so I have worked on being able to do this by myself, maybe he could try that as well?

[CJR520]

I did a check on the selenium, and supplements are not good, can overdose on it. Get it from fish, nuts,meat, egg yolks, mushrooms,grains, onions, and garlic. A normal daily amout is 108mcg. 350mcg is a safe maximum, according to my health book. 1000mct can cause hair loss and fragile nails. Just to let anyone know who might be reading this. Thanks! We eat lots of these good foods, so this is probably not his problem. I think the depression is closer.

[purple_fins]

Originally Posted by CJR520

.... I went to a christian counselor a couple of years ago because of his mid-life crisis deal. The counselor told me he was too spoiled;by me. ........One of his biggest problems is that he won't call anyone else. He has some very nice friends who would love to do things with him, but he is very stubborn, and it is too bad. I can fill the slot sometimes, but not all the time. ..... Just sticks to himself too much. I can't do much to change that at his age of 63, I guess. I see some other older men around us that are like this also. Maybe it is a man thing!

I was going to say that too-- that he's spoiled by you. We DO teach people how to treat us-- you must have allowed this behavior to go on and on for some time or else he wouldn't be acting that way.(not that it's ALL your fault) and he won't call anyone else because YOU are always there when he wants you to be.... he doesn't NEED to call anyone as long as you give into him. I think it's a myth that you can't teach an old dog new tricks-- it's been discovered that humans continue to learn until the day they die..... one is NEVER too old to learn... it's the WILL to do it that can be the obstacle.

I agree with another poster that said-- they don't think it's a "man" thing. I think it's just how someone has been allowed to be in a relationship and what was required of each other(so many women "mother" their husbands.... then they complain when the husband acts out like a child)...... he requires you to be present in his interests and you don't require the same(doesn't that sound like a mother-child relationship?).... I would venture to bet that it's been like this for a long time in your relationship. If you're not happy with the status quo--- make some changes... little at a time...... I think you will find old dogs CAN learn new tricks!
best to you

fins

[Perna]

The most selenium is in Brazil nuts; I get myself "Planters Unsalted Mixed Nuts: Less Than 50% peanuts" each week and make sure I get a Brazil nut each morning :-)

http://dietary-supplements.info.nih....s/selenium.asp

I use the selenium to help my asthma.

[BenMSW]

[quote=CJR520;1260613]I go with my husband to woodworking shows that he loves, to look at tools, etc. and always have. We do a lot together.

You say that you do a lot together. My Question for you is what do you do together that YOU want to do? You've written about things you do together that HE wants to do, but what do you do that YOU want to do?

Try finding some balance and get a life of your own. Either he joins you in activities that interest you, or you do those things on your own. You may find that getting a turn to do "your thing" is the best thing to reinvigorate your marriage.