[william1971]

OK, I know this is going to sound like I have trust issues (and maybe I do) but here's the situation:

I've been with my current girlfriend for about 3 1/2 months now. Things are good but there has been some ups & downs already, for ex.
In the beginning I had to deal with an ex of hers trying to get with her (that made things difficult). Then she went on a trip with a few of her friends, and her single friends met these guys from Europe while on vacation; come to find out one of guys instant messaged her and I find out (that also made me leary).

So now she tells me she's going "shopping" with her Mom this Saturday until about 4PM and will spend the rest of the day with me.

My plan is to drive to her house and hide out somewhere and see if she really leaves with her Mom. Considering some of the weird events I've gone through with her already would this be a bad thing to do? I'm just suspicious.....

[bebop]

I think it would be a terrible thing to do. if you have no trust in a relationship you really don't have anything. relationships should be based on truth and honesty. Of course I don't know everything that has gone on in your 3 month relationship but if that much has happened and truely happened maybe you should cut lose now and let it go. I hope you can find some peace with this.

[jerrymichele]

Yes William this is bad. It's telling her that you do not trust her at all. I'm really not trying to be harsh, so please don't get that impression ok, but she might look at it like your stalking her. If you can't trust her maybe she's not the one for you.

[william1971]

The thing I want to ask everyone is; how does one know if your with someone who is a cheater unless you do the footwork. Asking that person doesn't get you anywhere! A cheater isn't going to tell you flat out, "I'm a cheater". It doesn't work that way. Under the circumstances, things have gotten in the way of me completely trusting her so, I want to find out for myself whether she can be trusted. Is this so wrong?

[VickiesPath]

HI William,
I'm the person who answered your questions about adult children of alcoholics. In light of this most recent question, I think you really need to ask yourself whether you want an open, up-front relationship with this girl or if you simply have trust issues yourself regarding the women you choose and those issues get communicated in various subconscious ways to the woman in your life?

You had asked me if "women like her" want bad relationships. Honestly, truth be told, I'm wondering if you are the "bad relationship". I wouldn't want to be dating someone who didn't trust me or automatically assumes that I have issues because of my family background. I do not mean to insult you, Wiliam. I am simply pointing out that "spying" on your girlfriend is not an admirable thing to do. It doesn't indicate a very good foundation for a good relationshiop.

[william1971]

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

HI William,
I'm the person who answered your questions about adult children of alcoholics. In light of this most recent question, I think you really need to ask yourself whether you want an open, up-front relationship with this girl or if you simply have trust issues yourself regarding the women you choose and those issues get communicated in various subconscious ways to the woman in your life?

You had asked me if "women like her" want bad relationships. Honestly, truth be told, I'm wondering if you are the "bad relationship". I wouldn't want to be dating someone who didn't trust me or automatically assumes that I have issues because of my family background. I do not mean to insult you, Wiliam. I am simply pointing out that "spying" on your girlfriend is not an admirable thing to do. It doesn't indicate a very good foundation for a good relationshiop.

Hi Vickie in Phoenix:
Thanks again for responding to this, and I know you don't mean to insult me. The truth is, you may not be all too wrong in assuming that I may be the "bad relationship". However, under the circumstances and everything that's happened between me & my girlfriend wouldn't you be suspicious or leary? Don't you have to take things like; family upbringing, values into consideration when becoming serious with someone?

Before this I was involved with a girl who cheated on me and did everything imaginable so I hope you can see why I'm being extra careful about this one. Thanks so much for giving me your advice Vickie, Phoenix Rocks!

[bebop]

there is a huge difference there though. just because someone else does wrong to you does not mean someone else will do the same thing. honestly I don't see you have a good reason not to trust her. I am a married woman. been with him 12 yrs. I use to train male truck drivers. on the road with them for a month at a time. I am so thankful my husband trusted me as he does. most of my friends are men. again I am really happy my husband trusts me. without it we would have nothing at all.

[william1971]

Originally Posted by bebop

there is a huge difference there though. just because someone else does wrong to you does not mean someone else will do the same thing. honestly I don't see you have a good reason not to trust her. I am a married woman. been with him 12 yrs. I use to train male truck drivers. on the road with them for a month at a time. I am so thankful my husband trusted me as he does. most of my friends are men. again I am really happy my husband trusts me. without it we would have nothing at all.

I can't agree with you more. I think trust is the most important part of a relationship. In that being said; being around so many men Bebop, doesn't it allow for you to get hit on much more or put you in situations where men invite you to be unfaithful? I think the less my girlfriend is around those type of situations the less stressed I am. Did that sound weird?

[jerrymichele]

William everyone gets hit on. It's a natural thing. My bf gets hit on from other women. I've been hit on too. Your relationship with this lady is fairly new. If you don't do something about this your going to run her off, and your going to make yourself have a heart attack.

[william1971]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

William everyone gets hit on. It's a natural thing. My bf gets hit on from other women. I've been hit on too. Your relationship with this lady is fairly new. If you don't do something about this your going to run her off, and your going to make yourself have a heart attack.

You're right about that Jerrymichele, I will have a heartache soon if I don't do something about this. I suppose I'm at a crossroads in the relationships and trying to figure out if I should stay or if I should leave it. It's difficult because on one hand she's very sweet to me but then I run into these obstacles; like having to deal with that whole ex-boyfriend issue (fortunately I think that's done with). Then I get confused on what to do or whether it's worth it to stay. I guess I'm trying to find security in all the wrong places.....

[FeelingHopeful]

I dont have great advice since my own relationships need work but ask yourself if your happy. When you figure that out you will know what to do. Your heart will tell you if the relationship is working or not.

[william1971]

Originally Posted by FeelingSad

I dont have great advice since my own relationships need work but ask yourself if your happy. When you figure that out you will know what to do. Your heart will tell you if the relationship is working or not.

I think I'd be happier if I knew for sure that she was faithful. She's latin and sometimes hard headed and I'm American and have a completely different upbringing then her. We're so different from each other that I think things get lost in translation sometimes.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by william1971

I think I'd be happier if I knew for sure that she was faithful. She's latin and sometimes hard headed and I'm American and have a completely different upbringing then her. We're so different from each other that I think things get lost in translation sometimes.

All races cheat. If someone wants to cheat they will do it with or without you. You know William why don't you just ask her. Your driving yourself nuts over this. But like I said (from what you have posted) I don't think that she is cheating on you. I also think that if she wanted another man she would have broke it off with you. I'm sure if you tell her in a non-combative way, she will listen to you. I do think that if this is something that is always going on with all your relationships than therapy might be good for you. There is nothing wrong with talking to somebody were you can have a full filling life.

[william1971]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

All races cheat. If someone wants to cheat they will do it with or without you. You know William why don't you just ask her. Your driving yourself nuts over this. But like I said (from what you have posted) I don't think that she is cheating on you. I also think that if she wanted another man she would have broke it off with you. I'm sure if you tell her in a non-combative way, she will listen to you. I do think that if this is something that is always going on with all your relationships than therapy might be good for you. There is nothing wrong with talking to somebody were you can have a full filling life.

I'm totally driving myself nuts with this (you have no idea). The problem I have with talking about it is that, no one is going to come straight out and say their a cheater. It just won't happen. I do think I may be giving into my own fears a lot. I definitely have to do something.

[bebop]

william no I never got hit on. well not too much but I was always honest with my husband. I handled myself professionally when I was on the truck. as for my friends....they know it is friendships only.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by william1971

I'm totally driving myself nuts with this (you have no idea). The problem I have with talking about it is that, no one is going to come straight out and say their a cheater. It just won't happen. I do think I may be giving into my own fears a lot. I definitely have to do something.

William most women that I know who have cheated have been in a long relationship where the signifigant other starts ignoring their needs. When this happens they don't want anything to do with their spouce, bf etc. It's true that a lot of people don't tell, but usually they can tell when something is going on. Now your relationship is still new. I think that if your gf was involved with another man, she would just break it off with you. Or she would just stop talking to you. She would end all contact.

william, can you talk to her about your fears of being cheated on? i don't think there really is any way to know for sure if she will cheat. that is why we need trust in a relationship. if you get caught spying on your girlfriend she just may break up with you. i hope you don't do the spying thing as it's not healthy for either one of you at all.

[Lost71]

Originally Posted by william1971

Don't you have to take things like; family upbringing, values into consideration when becoming serious with someone?

Personal values and morals, yes! Family upbringing, no!

I come from a violent, abusive family (so unsavoury, I wouldn't dare write it here for fear of triggering folks) ...but that doesn't mean I'm a bad or untrustworthy person. In fact, growing up, I saw how they behaved and treated others and made a conscious decision at a really young age to be the exact opposite.

Also, you state that you've been badly treated by women in the past. So, while it's understandable that you're wary, do you really think it's right to transfer those issues onto a new woman in your life? Sorry if that sounds harsh but if a guy treated me like that coz of his past relationships, the realtionship with him would be dead in the water before it even begun.

And just to prove a point...yes, I have many issues myself from past relationships. But when I catch myself taking it out on a current bf, I stop myself and tell him what it's all about and that I know I'm wrong but I'm a bit insecure about things atm.

Communication is THE most important thing in any relationship. Talk to this woman about your thoughts, feelings, insecurities etc...if you want the relationship to work.

Peace,
Julia
xox

[KathyM]

William

I used to be married to a cheater, and I understand your issues with trust. I believe in being loyal in a relationship. I'm married now to a loyal man who does not cheat on me, and we've been together 20 years.

Oddly enough, my ex-husband used to always accuse me of cheating - even though he was the cheater. He'd do as you did - show up unexpectedly hoping to "catch" me doing something wrong. It used to make me so angry, and his distrust actually tempted me to cheat - i.e., why not, if I'm already being accused of having so much "fun?" I suspect if your girlfriend finds out you spy on her, it will only push her into the arms of another. Nobody likes to be smothered.

I trust the man I'm with now. There are no strange time lapses, stories that make no sense, or secret friends. He trusts me too.

Before we were married, we discussed getting married in Vegas because I had never been there before. Around the same time, a few friends of mine invited me to an "all girls" trip to Vegas. When I mentioned it to him in passing, he told me to go and have fun because he knew I needed to get away (my parents had just died). He even laughed and said "Don't bring home anything I'll die from (referring to disease)." I was shocked he'd think such a thing, but he said "If I can't trust you now, what's the point?" It felt so good to have the freedom to be me.

You know, the four of us girls went to Vegas and had the time of our LIVES! There were a lot of good looking men there, but none of them could hold a candle to the men who loved us back home. Having my fiance encourage me to go and have fun made me love him even more.

You may be able to control her actions for a time, but you'll never be able to control her feelings. It tends to backfire. Sometimes the tighter you hold the leash, the more they want to run.

[william1971]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

William most women that I know who have cheated have been in a long relationship where the signifigant other starts ignoring their needs. When this happens they don't want anything to do with their spouce, bf etc. It's true that a lot of people don't tell, but usually they can tell when something is going on. Now your relationship is still new. I think that if your gf was involved with another man, she would just break it off with you. Or she would just stop talking to you. She would end all contact.

I would hope she would break it off with me but some girls are weird about that stuff. I had an ex girlfriend who cheated on me and when confronted about it she flat out lied about it and said it never happened. That's really what frightens me. Not so much that she'll cheat but that she'll lead me on.

[william1971]

Originally Posted by KathyM

William

I used to be married to a cheater, and I understand your issues with trust. I believe in being loyal in a relationship. I'm married now to a loyal man who does not cheat on me, and we've been together 20 years.
Oddly enough, my ex-husband used to always accuse me of cheating - even though he was the cheater. He'd do as you did - show up unexpectedly hoping to "catch" me doing something wrong. It used to make me so angry, and his distrust actually tempted me to cheat - i.e., why not, if I'm already being accused of having so much "fun?" I suspect if your girlfriend finds out you spy on her, it will only push her into the arms of another. Nobody likes to be smothered.
I trust the man I'm with now. There are no strange time lapses, stories that make no sense, or secret friends. He trusts me too.
Before we were married, we discussed getting married in Vegas because I had never been there before. Around the same time, a few friends of mine invited me to an "all girls" trip to Vegas. When I mentioned it to him in passing, he told me to go and have fun because he knew I needed to get away (my parents had just died). He even laughed and said "Don't bring home anything I'll die from (referring to disease)." I was shocked he'd think such a thing, but he said "If I can't trust you now, what's the point?" It felt so good to have the freedom to be me.
You know, the four of us girls went to Vegas and had the time of our LIVES! There were a lot of good looking men there, but none of them could hold a candle to the men who loved us back home. Having my fiance encourage me to go and have fun made me love him even more.
You may be able to control her actions for a time, but you'll never be able to control her feelings. It tends to backfire. Sometimes the tighter you hold the leash, the more they want to run.

Kathy,
I totally undrestand where your coming from. I suppose it does look like I'm trying to catch her in the "act" so to speak, and that I'm a jealous boyfriend. It's just that there has been too many odd statements from her and too many times where things just didn't seem right for me to just completely ignore them. I to believe the more you smother someone the more they tend to want to be free or let go. I'm all for that motto, and that's far from what I want to do. I'm just finding it hard to figure out whether she's serious or just playing the field. I'm hoping I'm just paranoid and she's into me but one never knows. Thanks so much Kathy for the advice. It made a lot of sense.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by william1971

I would hope she would break it off with me but some girls are weird about that stuff. I had an ex girlfriend who cheated on me and when confronted about it she flat out lied about it and said it never happened. That's really what frightens me. Not so much that she'll cheat but that she'll lead me on.

One bad apple, doesn't mean that everyone else is a bad apple. I have had bad apples too. Sometimes we just need to take a chance and see what happens. If you get a bad apple you learn from it, and move forward.

[william1971]

I want to take the time and say Thank You to everyone on this thread for the great support and wonderful advice. I really appreciate the responses from all of you, Kudos!

[sweetypie]

hey

i have trust issues.
i have background that gives me good reasons and i am fortunate to have a bf that is understanding about this

what works for me is if i DO have an issue re trust - i spill my guts to my bf

i just spill it out and say hey. this bothers me. am i out of bounds or what?

transparency
my bf has no trust issues with me
but all the same i DO keep a total transparency with him
i tell him everything including if i get hit on, flirted with etc.
but i also tell him everyday i want ONLY him

he is more confident as a person, than i am

so i make sure to tell him if i feel threatened, and i am also cautious in that i say hey this is ME and my insecurity
it's not you
i trust you
i just don't trust others

fo far, it's working

i wish you the best
thanks for letting me chime in

[william1971]

Originally Posted by sweetypie

hey
i have trust issues.
i have background that gives me good reasons and i am fortunate to have a bf that is understanding about this
what works for me is if i DO have an issue re trust - i spill my guts to my bf
i just spill it out and say hey. this bothers me. am i out of bounds or what?
transparency bf has no trust issues with me but all the same i DO keep a total transparency with him i tell him everything including if i get hit on, flirted with etc.but i also tell him everyday i want ONLY him he is more confident as a person, than i am so i make sure to tell him if i feel threatened, and i am also cautious in that i say hey this is ME and my insecurity it's not you i trust you i just don't trust othersfo far, it's workingi wish you the best thanks for letting me chime in

Hi Sweetypie,
I know have trust issues I have to deal with but right now I'm trying to figure out if this is what's causing my problems or if I actually have reason to feel this way. I guess I'm in limbo right now trying to figure things out.
I really hope it's me & not my girlfriend, but I guess only time will tell.