[melinda84]

Okay, i am very confused now on if i should break up with my bf. We have been in a relationship for like 8 months and living together for 5 months. We were friends for years before dating, but only over the Internet. He is from Wyoming so he moved to PA to be with me.

We have had several talks about the possibility of breaking up and I have broken up with him a few times only to change my mind since i still have hope that things will change between us. Our main problem is the way we communicate. We have misunderstandings pretty often and that has lead to us going as many as 1-2 days without speaking to each other. Things have gotten better and we don't do that anymore, but after talking with him recently he told me that he isn't good on picking up hints so he needs me to tell him everything really. That just seems like it's unfair on my part. I would like a relationship where we are partners and the work/communication is 50/50. Am i expecting too much?

He keeps telling me he can change and If he wants to stay then i really need him to prove it to me. He has not found a job in the 5 months we've been together, but i think it's partly his fault cuz he hasn't spent much time looking for one so i really need him to try harder. I need to feel like there's more security in our future. I don't feel like he's the man i want to spend the rest of my life with at the moment.

Just a few days ago, we had a fight cuz he would not help me onto the bed after i had been drinking and feeling sick. I had asked him to help and it seemed to me like he got upset and wouldn't do it so i went into the other room and avoided him for awhile. When we talked about it, he told me that he didn't recall me asking him to and he wasn't upset. He also said he must have not heard me, but i said it in a regular speaking voice and i was right next to him. I don't know what to think there.

He doesn't have a college degree and he's 30. He also has never held a real job before. He has been working for his parents on a ranch for several years. He told me he was going to look into going to college right away to pursue a degree in Psychology and he hasn't even looked into it yet. He just keeps putting important things off. That is really the toughest thing for me to deal with and i need that to change if we're going to make this work.

I know this seems mostly negative, but i do really care about the guy and i believe he does care about me a lot.

I plan on having another talk with him tonight and telling him what i expect from him if he wants to stay in this relationship.

I would appreciate some input on this situation.

10-15-2009, 01:19 PM
My boyfriend is insensitive.
Posted By melinda84

Two weeks after your friend moved in you post about the tension. You have had these "What I expect talks" before.

If there are no consequences, why is there any reason to believe anything will change?

[melinda84]

I have actually posted about this a few times cuz it hasn't been an easy time for us. I think that all couples go through hard times and arguments though so that alone isn't enough reason to end the relationship. Also, it's apparent that we both have problems and ending the relationship would be giving up on fixing our problems as a couple.

Things have improved some after we started talking more so that is what makes me question if breaking up is the right decision.

What sort of consequences do you mean? If i break up with him and he moves back to Wyoming, then there's really no getting back together so we need to be sure if this is the proper decision.

Also, one thing i forgot to mention is when we talked he told me that he's mostly been happy with our relationship so I am the only one that seems to have real issues here. Every time i have attempted to break up with him, i felt really guilty cuz i don't want to hurt him.

[bonaire]

Maybe look at a longer-range picture. How good a provider will he be for you and your children? If marriage and children are not in the picture, breaking up now or 10 years from now will happen.

Great relationships and "maintaining a relationship" are two entirely different things. Not to sound too harsh here but - you're sounding like you want to maintain the relationship like someone maintains an old car. "We can get 1000 miles out of those tires, probably 5 months out of the radiator and just ignore the leaks over the back passenger seat - it'll go away, probably."

I look back at my 45 years of life and was not very good at being selective and well-planned out for my relationships. The best one came along long after it should have and wasn't possible to maintain - so take care of yourself and determine if this guy is "the one" and if not, are you a great enough person to find who is really right for you? Of course you are - everyone deserves to give themselves someone who is their equal or better - who they rush home to after work rather than worry "did he get out of bed before lunch and clean up the dishes".

[salukigirl]

I don't really think him needing you to be more direct is very demanding. My bf needs the same things from me. I have learned that he will not pick up on cues I give so I have to flat out say "I am so mad at you right now" or "come here and give me a kiss". If he says he will try harder if you make the effort to be more direct then that still sounds pretty 50/50 to me. And you have to realize that it's not going to be 50/50 all the time. You each will make sacrifices for the other at certain times. He moved to PA from Wyoming to be with you. That sounds like a pretty big sacrifice to me. And, in turn, he has had trouble finding a job so you are doing the supporting right now. It's give and take.

I have learned that it is A LOT of work to be with someone. No one has a fairy tale relationship. Everyone goes through ups and downs. Every relationship goes through the same things: feeling insecure, feeling left out, jealous whatever. What makes a relationship worth it is when both want to work through it.

I have posted a lot about how horrible my bf can be sometimes. And, truthfully, even though all the stuff he has said, I still feel in my heart that it is worth it. And he feels that it is worth it. So even though we are going through the same things I have gone through with every guy I have ever dated, what is different now is that I WANT to do it. I WANT to learn my flaws and his flaws and grow together.

So don't go thinking that if you leave him, you will find another guy that wont do the same exact things cause they all do lol. Men are just brought up that way and biologically are "programmed" that way. They are problem solvers and direct. Pretty much every guy you are going to meet is going to have some kind of problem listening or showing the right affection or whatever. You have to decide if you WANT to work through it.

[John25]

Just my two cents…

You are right: all couples go through hard times and that shouldn’t be the main reason to end the relationship. I don’t think he can be blamed for being unemployed with this current economy (not saying that you blame him). But apparently he doesn’t even try getting a job or pursuing a degree in Psychology (as he said he would do) and that is not a good sign to me. It seems like he is comfortable with the whole situation the way it is right now.

I don’t think you can expect much change from him. I wish you strength and wisdom in this situation.

[melinda84]

Thanks guys! You all gave good advice. I will have a long chat with him about things tonight. It does seem like he's pretty comfortable in the situation now and i don't think it will be easy for him to change if he is. Perhaps he doesn't realize just how important this is to me or doesn't care much. I can learn to live with his attentive flaws cuz yea, i realize a lot of people have those. The biggest issue is needing security for our future together though and if he refuses to try harder then i just can't continue this.

[melinda84]

Update: We had a talk and came to the conclusion that we both have been so frustrated cuz we feel shut in since we live in a very small apartment. The apartment we currently have is suitable for 1 person, but it's difficult to manuever with 2 people. We don't have our space and we can't even open a window for fresh air due to the screens being out of the windows. I have told him that he always had the option to take a walk if he was feeling too closed in, but sometimes i can understand that the weather is just too bad for that. Times have especially been hard cuz we got a lot of snow and we live up on a hill (that isn't very close to anything) and neither of us own a car. The living situation is getting both of us down so i really don't think that breaking up right now is a very good idea.

Our lease is up in 1 month so we have agreed to move to a better location before we make the decision to break up. Also, he did suggest that we go to counseling or a communication class which i think would be good so we could work on our communication problems.

We also talked about the job situation and he told me that i was sending him jobs that he was not interested in. He told me he really wants to get a job too and he's not comfortable with the way things are, but he can't seem to find something that interests him. He's not a people person and would prefer to work in a back room or more independently. I think those jobs are hard to come by and he shouldn't be so picky. I am still going to stress that he needs to look harder for a job if he wants to continue to stay with me.

[RomanSunburn]

If he is looking for something that could end up being temporary, but still a job for the time being and wants work in a back room, he could look around at department stores or places like Target. I worked in a large clothing department store and we had people that worked in the back and simply brought boxes into the ware house off trucks, etc. He could also look into mall security type positions. These suggestions probably won't turn into a job he'll love or want to stay at forever, but if him getting a job -- any job at this point -- means a positive impact on your relationship, he might be willing to take them for that reason, plus the experience and references while he looks for something he's more interested in. Also, retail related jobs are probably going to be picking up in the next month or two because of the summer.

I'm glad you guys were able to discuss things and are starting to build a plan for the future to make things work.

Good luck!
Ro

[melinda84]

Thanks. I suggested Mall security before and he's not interested in that, but he may be interested in some department store jobs. Although, i think the problem is most aren't currently hiring around here.

He does really need to get out and just get a job cuz it will help us both feel better. I think he's afraid to do it on his own cuz he agreed to go out and apply for jobs this evening, but he wants me to be there with him. I can certainly understand him being afraid cuz he's been sheltered for a lot of years, but he needs to go out and do things in order to get over his fear.

We are going to give counseling a try soon. I just found a couples counselor in our area that will accept my health insurance. I am really nervous about it cuz i don't think i'll feel very comfortable talking about personal issues, but i want things to get better.

Can he not take any type of job while he is looking for a perm position ?

Also I met my hubby on the internet and he was also from a different area, we are now 8 years in on the relationship and have FINALLY sorted out the 'misunderstandings' we used to have due to coming from a different past ! Communication is a tough part of any relationship but coming from different pasts/areas makes it even harder.

Being black and white to each other helped ie; If I think he means something but I am not sure then I used to ask him outright to explain exactly what he meant it took time but in the end we managed to get into the habit of it and now don't really need to do it (often lol).

[amante]

Melinda,

If you move into a new place with him and things are not good, you could just be asking for more difficulties. I suggest you sit down and have a really good heart to heart talk with him, if you are having communication problems and it's only 8 months into the relationship, it could be a sign for trouble ahead. Is he marriage material, it that what you'd like out of the relationship? i say try to work out this stuff before you commit to a new lease to a bigger apartment. If he's not working now, who'll be paying for that bigger place?

[bonaire]

He needs a parental pep-talk about getting a job. His Job now is to get a job. that means 4-8 hours a day looking for and applying for jobs. 100% of people who do not apply for jobs do not get them. He needs 99 nos for each 1 yes. If he gets depressed over the "no" or that a job doesn't sound good - then that's his problem.

Whether he works in a supermarket (which can be fun) or a Home Depot (also can be fun) or something more intellectual - he has to relalize that getting out in the world and being with people is a huge "pump" to his own psyche. If he reads a want-ad and thinks "I wouldn't like that" - there is a problem in his expectations. So, work with him and the counselor in terms of managing his own fears and expectaions.

FEAR - "False Evidence Appearing Real"”
http://thinkexist.com/quotation/fear...or/180911.html

[drod]

dont give up so easily, i had been with my ex-fiance for 5+ years and we broke up many times during that 5 years and we always found our way back to each other, everyone always said that if it were meant to be , it will, well we broke up in november last year and have been apart 3 months, and these have been the longest and hardest months of my life, i would give anything to get her back, so my advise is be very sure before you make that decision, because sometimes you get what you asked for, and realize it isnt what you wanted, and you pray for it back, but then its too late,

[melinda84]

Thanks guys. You really provide some great input. Things have already been improving between us so that is giving me hope that we can work it out in the long run. I don't want to give up. Any relationship can work if both people really love/trust each other and are willing to work at it.

We have our first appointment for couples therapy tomorrow. I'm really nervous about it cuz I am usually not comfortable talking face to face about personal problems to people i don't know. He at least knows more about what to expect cuz he's been to a therapist before, but i haven't so i'm a bit in the dark about it all. I printed out all the paperwork so we can fill it out beforehand to save time, but some questions on it i'm just not comfortable answering (even though i know the answers could help us).

I plan on talking about all these issues that i shared here at the forums so i am curious to see what the therapist is going to say. I am hoping the therapist can give him more confidence to look for a job.

Hope the session proves productive and meaningful.

[drod]

my ex and i went to therapy and for a while our relationship got worse,because the sessions got too one sided, she convinced our counseler that i was the one who wasa responsible for every thing ever went wrong in our realtionship, i wish you luck , stand your ground and keep it level, god bless

[Life10]

If you not happy and you dont want to spent the rest of your life with this individual, you need to be honest and blunt with him. Just sit him down and talk to him. Let him know how you feel. Being honest is the best thing you can do because he can never said you never told me that. Dont cheat yourself.

[melinda84]

So, we went to our first therapy session and i thought it went rather well. We both really liked the therapist and felt comfortable talking to her. The only issue i had was i didn't get to talk about the issues i had in mind enough. He mostly took the lead cuz he assumed i wouldn't be comfortable with talking. The therapist told us we have very different communication styles and i agree. She said we need to practice listening to each other more and ask a lot of questions. She gave us a paper on some exercises to try. We failed so bad at trying. We have not practiced anything from the worksheet at all.

A little bit of time after the session ended, we found ourselves in another misunderstanding. This time, he misunderstood me and refused to admit it so i got upset cuz he was putting all the blame on me like he usually does. He thought i was saying that i expected us to overcome all of our issues overnight (and i think that's ridiculous). I only meant that i was disappointed with how little progress we have made in the past 6 months of living together. So, we ended up not speaking to each other for an entire day and then we made up and the next day when i got home from work he made me feel guilty for needing time to myself cuz i didn't have such a good day at work. He assumed that i never wanted to spend time with him. I also brought up that i was miserable cuz he still didn't have a job and he got upset with me. I don't feel comfortable telling him the truth cuz he gets angry when i do attempt to talk to him about my issues.

I think we are going to end up going our seperate ways. I'm sad that it is coming to this, but i can't continue feeling this miserable on a daily basis. I feel like i can't even talk to him anymore. He takes most things i say as an attack and gets all upset. Then he belittles me and tells me how i think. This is just not a healthy relationship at all. He got all upset at me last night when i told him that i need for it to be over between us and he didn't take my words seriously. He never seems to take me seriously. He refused to pay me rent for this month and so i told him if he won't pay then he has to make arrangements to leave this week. I really hope he will just go so we can get on with out lives.

[amante]

I am sorry that you had such a difficult time after the therapy. I think that you are right to move on from this relationship, love shouldn't cause you pain and upset. As for not paying you rent this month, that is just bad news and a sign of what he can offer you in life. I hope he can move out quietly and you both go your separate ways. believe me, something better will come along. trust me.

[melinda84]

It looks like i need to have another talk with him tonight cuz he has been acting like he thinks we're still together. He still wants to sleep in the same bed and cuddle with me like I never broke up with him. He is just not getting the message and i hate having to tell him it's over repeatedly. I have been distant and nonverbal for the most part with him lately cuz i haven't felt like getting into another fight. I know he'll get all upset when i tell him that he needs to go home yet again, but i paid the entire month's rent and he just can't expect to continue living with me for no money at all. It is not just the money thing, but it's the idea that he can be so selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings. That pushes me away more than anything. I know that i have lost interest in this relationship and it's not fair to either one of us to continue it anymore.

[melinda84]

We officially broke up yesterday after a huge fight and while it's been hard, it's even tougher to deal with knowing he's still living in my apartment. I tried to kick him out yesterday, but he would not go then. He kept saying it was too late and he did not have enough money to go to a hotel so i decided to let him stay there for 1 night and i went to stay with my Mom. I don't feel that i should stay with my Mom for long though cuz i paid for the entire rent this month. Also, my bf is not on the lease with me so doesn't that mean, i have legal rights to kick him out if he won't go on his own? I don't want to see him end up on the street, but i am sure there's some place he could go. I am to the point where i can not live under the same roof with him cuz i feel unsafe around him after the fight we had yesterday. He ended up pushing me down on the ground and he smacked me in the back of the head. I can't take that. I feel so worn down emotionally right now. I need a chance to move on with my life.

[sanityseeker]

eeks this has gotten ugly and dangerous. The most important thing is for you to be safe no matter what. He is no longer trustworthy if he was willing to get violent.

If you contacted your lease holder they would effict him since he is not on the lease. I would buy him a one way non refundable ticket home to Wyoming just to get rid of him. I would put new locks on the doors and invite a big strong male friend to stay with me until I found a new place to live. I would get a new unlisted phone number and cut off all contact with him. I would get a restraining order. I wouldn't take his violence lightly. He would know I was serious about going separate ways.

[melinda84]

It's all been settled now fortunately. He realized i was serious when both my Mom and I had a long talk with him telling him he needs to make arrangements to leave and soon. We wanted him to leave that night, but he wasn't able to find a cheap enough flight that quickly so I'm letting him stay in the apartment until tomorrow when his flight leaves. I have been staying at my Mom's place and he has agreed to pay me the extra money for the few days he is staying there without me. I am just really happy and relieved that i didn't have to get the landlord and the authorities involved.

He isn't regularly a violent person. I do think he has some problems he needs to work on. The fight we had just got out of hand so i'm not worried right now. In fact, i went back to the apartment to get some clothes and things and he was very polite and friendly. He has made it clear that he wants to keep things civil and still be friends, but i think i am going to need some time if i do ever consider talking to him again.

I told our counselor that he won't be coming with me to future appointments cuz we broke up and he is going back to Wyoming. I don't think she really knows what to think since she only saw us once, but i am going to an appointment myself tomorrow to talk about the break up.

[sanityseeker]

What a relief!! Yes I think he clearly has some problems he needs to work on. Hopefully he will try to deal with them when he gets home.

Good you are going to counselling to talk about the break up. Horray for Moms! Maybe take your mom for lunch with that money he gives you. You both deserve it.