How do I handle husband's crush on next door neighbor?

Hi All

I'll make this as short as I can. My husband and I have been married 10 years. We live next door to a couple that we've become close friends with. I've suspected for a long time now that my husband is attracted to the wife. He's even dismissed my feelings on a few big issues (I wanted to limit playdates with their son because of his diagnosed emotional problems that were adversly effecting my kids) where he ignored my pleas. He will set up playdates without checking the schedules or consulting me. He has readily welcomed their son into our home life (the boy has beaten and teased my kids) while at the same time ignoring my 13 year old daughter.

I found out from her that my husband brought her into our house to look at my sons new room while I was not here. I am VERY upset as I think it is inappropriate.

He does not know how I feel (yet) Any idea why I feel so angry and scared? It's very clear to everyone around us that he likes her. He perks up and gets very chatty and witty when he see her while I get the lovely monotone.

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Hello, serenitywish. What is particularly disconcerting is your husband's willingness to jeopardize the well-being of your children to remain in the good graces (clutches?) of your neighbor's wife. I assume her husband must of noticed what others have. Problematical too is the neighbors allowing their son to act out his problems at your place.

It seems to me hormones have shunted logic aside. You and Mr. testosterone need to have a serious discussion to ensure the safety of your children. His interest in the Mrs. cannot be tolerated as a means to have your children beaten.

Good luck.

Have a nice chat with hubby. If he is not willing to listen to you or work on this, then I would talk to her husband. You should be number one in your husband's eyes...no exceptions! As far as your feelings go, you need to take extra good care of yourself. Be gentle with your feelings. Try not to judge or compare yourself. Come here anytime you wish for emotional support. Keep us posted and good luck.

Eek! I don't know which is worse, him being all googly-eyed over the neighbor lady, or tolerating their abusive son.

Maybe rather than confronting issues he has within your family (whatever those might be, I have no idea), he is shutting you out and making up a nice little fantasy for himself. Neighbor lady = romantic feelings without any commitment. Just a possibility.

It sounds to me like you have pretty good reasons to feel angry and scared. An objective counselor could help--maybe individual, maybe couples.

I am sorry that your husband is not behaving as a married man should... and that he is not being man enough to stand up for his own kids when it comes to the present of a pretty woman.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I think that you should go ahead and speak up for yourself. I'm not sure what your living arangements are, but you might need to move. In the mean time, I would let him know that if the kids get hurt again, and if he brings any woman into your house again (without you being there) that his @$$ will be put out on to the street so quick that he won't know what hit him. You have already have told him things, and he has ignored your requests about certain things. If he doesn't want to listen then it's time to get a little tough with him. I would also tell your friend that you don't apperciate her coming into your house without you being there. It would be something different if he wasn't attracted to her. I wouldn't care if I made him mad. This is one of those things that I would listen to my gut feeling about.

I believe you have every right to step up and speak out. Your husband is wrong and if you don't let him know your suspicions now, it could get out of control (i.e. affair). Do you or anyone else notice whether she appears "interested" in your husband?

Next, I would also never tolerate another child treating my kids the way you described. Put down your other foot on this one.

I think its normal to have little crushes even while being in love with your partner but he is letting it effect everyone in the family and that can't be tolerated like others have said. Have you spoken to her about it? Yes your husband brought her into the house without you there but she obviously didn't say "i don't think its right to do this without your wife here". I think maybe she likes the extra attention so she isn't doing anything to stop it. I would talk to BOTH of them. Separately of course. But she obviously doesn't recognize the boundaries of marriage either. Or talk to the husband and have him talk to her. I don't think its only one party here. She has to know that he has this crush and apparently hasn't done anything to stop it.

I think I would confront them both, and let them know how inappropriate they are acting, and right in front of the kids! What dingdongs! I would let him know that it is over, and she is not to come around any more; that it is very obvious, and you are very uncomfortable. You'll know real quick how serious they are. I hate things like this, it is so wrong and so hurtful to you. Good Luck!!!

My boyfriend crushes on my sister, he does the same thing when she comes around, gets all weird and crap. It really bothered me in the beginning, but it doesn't as much now. As long as he don't act out on it, ya know. My sister is attractive, alot of men respond to her. I kinda've accepted that....my boyfriend is a man, and human...so I let it go.

It's hard not to be jealous...I know, I get jealous easily. But don't let it consume your life, your thoughts. I've basically told myself that if he plays me, the truth will eventually come out and I'llput a wrath on his *** he ain't never had before....meaning, I'll take everything and leave his ***.

Personally, I'd rather not obsess about it anymore, I got other **** to worry about.

With all due respect, being married is worlds different than just being boyfriend/girlfriend. When you marry you are entering into a covenant with that other person and forsaking all others before God and family.

I see red flags all over the place. Your husband has no boundries and clearly the neighbor doesnt either. I would let her no with no hesitation that she is to not be in your home when you are not there. I would say this in front of her husband as well.

I would also let your husband know how this makes you feel. He is well on his way to an EA and or PA. Dont hold back how you feel. You have a right to feel jealous and threatened.