[Shangrala]

I've come to a realization today, (Or, maybe I've known about it all along but buried it so deeply that I've consciously forgotten about it)...until today.
Either way, it has lead me to seeking an understanding.

What is it about pride that prevents one from accepting one's behavior to prevent something unfavorable from happening...even when one sees it coming?
I can only relate to my own experiences, and when reflecting upon them, I can see a pattern I never was really aware of before...until today. It sorta hit me like running into a brick wall. BAM..Duhh Me.

This is in relation to the emotion of jealousy and my ability to (seeminly) convince myself into the denial of its effects. I'm left to question, "Is this fueled by pride?".

Throughout these past couple years, the subject of "my" pride has been brought to my attention numerous times, although I never paid much attention to it all those many times. I ignored it. Excused it as, "It's just how I am", sort of thing...and pass it off..again.

Today, however, for some reason, the very subject snuck up on me and bit me to stand at its attention without outside persuasions, even though the subject of discussion was jealousy at the time, (perhaps it was just time for it to click with me).

In my early teens, from the very beginning of dating, I can remember that I would not allow myself to be effected by the emotion of jealousy. Despite how I felt about the guy, I refused to show any sign of (what I perceived to be) weakness even if it meant that I'd be the one losing in the outcome.
And although I refused myself to show the signs of its effects, I'd most certainly be suffering a great deal on the inside, (heart breaking, teen traumatized..lol...the works).
During my teen love episodes, I justified those emotions as some sort of means of a battle of emotional strength in a way. Not really sure. And as soon as I sensed a situation which would call upon my emotions of attachment to be projected, before it was actually required to be expressed, I'd immediately sabotage it by creating a diversion (in this case, another drama situation to redirect it away from "my" jealousy).
During these years, I credited this behavior to my inexperience and immaturity, though not giving it any thought that it'd lead into adulthood. I thought this was normal behavior for teens, and shrugged it off without another analytical thought.

Here I am, at 51 and just now coming to a realization that there is something not right with this behavior. It wouldn't be a concern of mind if I had outgrown that behavior...lol...but, I haven't. And now I am putting the peices together of past behaviors associated with some aspects of relationships failing.

As I've said in beginning, I've been told it's my pride which is interfering with my rationalizing emotion. It stands to reason that it's very likely anymore. He is right. It IS my pride. It has to be.

How can I allow someone who IS the love of my life walk away?
Wait. No...correction: He isn't walking away. I am pushing him away. Deliberately shoving him into the arms of someone else, (which I encouraged to seek to begin with), so that I can avoid....what?
And it isn't just shoving him into the involvement with someone else. It stems in many other aspects of the relationship.

Here I am...encouraging him to find "distractions" (which I'm perfectly good with), from the chaos that I'M creating for us. And when he does actually act upon it and informs me that he's established a new friendship, however it's resulted in her falling in love with him...what do I do? Shove him even harder away..even though I'm threatened as all hell by this. Despite that it's tearing me apart inside. Hell yes I'm threatened. Of course I'm jealous...but why in God's name can't I show it to him?
So, I now create my "reasons" why she'd be better for him. How I'm "saving him" from the dispair and torement that I'm creating for him, although not intentionally.
*Some of you are familiar to my ongoing, distant relationship, therefore, you know what I'm talking about. No need to eloaborate there*

This is killing me, (and him) and I'm fully aware of it. How can I not bring myself to avail my feelings to him? I have so tried to express my feelings of concern...but each time that I begin to, I suddenly pull back..literally tell myself, "You are so weak"...resulting in, shoving harder, showing less...and possibly losing him to someone he simply is not interested in.

For the most part, I'd love to believe that I'm pretty emotionally stable, (I think I am...lol). But for some reason, I won't allow myself to let this guard down...why?
IS it pride? What AM I so afraid of?
Pride? What is it good for?

(Was sexually abused by a family member as a child, and psychologically neglected by mom throughout upbringing. Could these be links to this behavior?).

The ONLY man who TRULY loves me for who I AM, and I feel so safe with...yet....I'm shoving him away, while telling him it's for HIS best interest? This is breaking both our hearts..

Sigh.

Shangrala

[lynn P.]

(((Shangrala))) - a very well written post my friend. I wish I had the perfect answer and I'll keep thinking about this for a while because I like figuring things out lol. I think your past definitely has something to do with this. When you were sexually abused you most likely developed an 'armor' to protect yourself - "no one can hurt me". When your mom neglected you, you learned to depend only on yourself - therefore revealing vulnerability would mean, you would have to let your guard down and risk showing you're hurt. You want people to see you're strong and you associate jealously with weakness. Since you recognize this, can you try to to the opposite? What do you think will happen when you give in to this emotion?? I'm thinking it might make you remember being vulnerable as a child and this scares you - justifiably. Do you think that's whats happening? I do hope you'll get other responses because it's an interesting topic

[Shangrala]

Thanks, Lynn.
You know...as I'm sitting here reflecting on this morning's convo with him (over Skype vid), and he's trying so hard to seek understanding of my behavior toward this situation. I see how he's so accepting of me that it makes me cry. It is so obvious how much he loves me.

He asks me why? I sit there with this blank stare...thinking, (I think I'm thinking at that time). The only reply I come up with is, "I don't know".

Of course I know why. I see how he is struggling to understand, and that, too, makes me cry. Yet....I just cannot bring myself to admit my weakness.
So, I divert..again...or, have been trying to for quite sometime now and it's beginning to be effective.
I'm losing him. I see it. It hurts like hell..the thought of not having him anymore...yet, pride (?) prevents my admission.

Ugh!

Shangrala

[lynn P.]

If you feel different emotions inside, what do you think about this idea. Write a 'no send' letter - no holds barred. Or pretend he's sitting in a chair and tell him how you really feel? Sit down and do some deep breathing and imagine you're on the verge of losing him and get in touch with those emotions. This might enable you to be receptive to these feelings. *Don't do this if you think this is going to upset you deeply though.

[Shangrala]

I've just finished reading my op..
The first thing that I'm compelled to add in reply is, "NEVERMIND".

....but, ehhh....nevermind..

Shangrala

[lynn P.]

I have exhibited jealousy many times, but that's because my partner has dangled it in my face grrrrrr. But under normal circumstances I don't think I would be overly jealous. I think it's human nature as long as it doesn't get out of hand. In your case it could be pride mixed with your past. I can relate to how you feel in the sense - I don't like the feeling of 'fighting' for a man. I can't stand the way the women all fight for the guy on the Bachelor Show - it's so nauseating. If I have to fight to keep a man then I'd rather let him go. This doesn't mean I won't try to keep the relationship strong and do my part - it's just the moment I sense another prospect's in the picture - I lose interest I guess.

Shangrala - I think it's a good topic so don't be discouraged, I'm the only one responding. Sometimes it takes a while for a thread to start moving. I would like to hear other opinions though - so please do jump in. I can't be the only one with an opinion.

Hello, Shangrala. In your profile, you say: "Respect for all, starting with self." I question whether you respect yourself. As I recall, you have not sought professional help to deal with, "Was sexually abused by a family member as a child, and psychologically neglected by mom throughout upbringing."

In order to demonstrate you are not jealous, you tell someone you love to distract himself with a companion and blame pride for not telling him how hurt you are because he did what you asked him to do. How bizarre.

I expect tucked back in your subconscious you believe you are damaged goods unworthy of his love and companionship. Please consider seeing a psychiatrist for an evaluation and any appropriate treatment that is indicated.

Good luck.

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, Shangrala. In your profile, you say: "Respect for all, starting with self." I question whether you respect yourself. As I recall, you have not sought professional help to deal with, "Was sexually abused by a family member as a child, and psychologically neglected by mom throughout upbringing."

In order to demonstrate you are not jealous, you tell someone you love to distract himself with a companion and blame pride for not telling him how hurt you are because he did what you asked him to do. How bizarre.

I expect tucked back in your subconscious you believe you are damaged goods unworthy of his love and companionship. Please consider seeing a psychiatrist for an evaluation and any appropriate treatment that is indicated.

Good luck.

Thanks Byz~

And yes, this is bizarre, as it is so unlike me to behave in that sense.
I don't think I was actually blaming pride for it, though. I was questioning if it could be that because....I'm not sure?..lol.

I did a lil soul searching yesterday. And I actually acted upon Lynn's suggestion. I wrote a lengthy 5 page letter addressed to him (without the intentions of sending).
Odd how, I started it in the morning and lead into the afternoon as I was having such difficulty writing such a randomized "journal" of emotions, as though I couldn't even admit it to myself.

It helped me greatly...lol, once I got past the fear of putting it all in text.
What helped even more was the fact of actually giving it to him to read.
After many hours of discussions, we've concluded that pride has nothing to do with my behavior, but fear..of a LOT of things. And as always, he lovingly reassures me to try to relax some and seek the necessary assistance that I feel I may need.

Thanks again.

Shangrala

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I have exhibited jealousy many times, but that's because my partner has dangled it in my face grrrrrr. But under normal circumstances I don't think I would be overly jealous. I think it's human nature as long as it doesn't get out of hand. In your case it could be pride mixed with your past. I can relate to how you feel in the sense - I don't like the feeling of 'fighting' for a man. I can't stand the way the women all fight for the guy on the Bachelor Show - it's so nauseating. If I have to fight to keep a man then I'd rather let him go. This doesn't mean I won't try to keep the relationship strong and do my part - it's just the moment I sense another prospect's in the picture - I lose interest I guess.

Shangrala - I think it's a good topic so don't be discouraged, I'm the only one responding. Sometimes it takes a while for a thread to start moving. I would like to hear other opinions though - so please do jump in. I can't be the only one with an opinion.

Lynn~
I think I threw in the "nevermind" not because there were few replies on here, (I've had many threads without any before...lol), but because after reading it again, I was almost thrown back for even mentioning something which seems to place me so vulnerable, (I guess?).
Hard enough to even think that I'm actually jealous, let alone splash the admission that I am on here for all to see, as well...lmao.

Like you, I'd much rather step back if I ever had to confront a "battle of the best" regarding a man. Though, I think my surrender of such confrontation stems from my fear of the forced loss, and thus great heartache, (I'm NO good when it comes to pain, especially heartache), so I abandon it before it abandons me, it suppose.

Thankies again...

Shangrala

[perpetuallysad]

Well, I was going to post a note saying that I thought you were afraid, not prideful. But it seems like you've figured it out on your own! Good job.

I wish you the best in getting this issue successfully resolved, Shangrala.

[lynn P.]

Like you, I'd much rather step back if I ever had to confront a "battle of the best" regarding a man. Though, I think my surrender of such confrontation stems from my fear of the forced loss, and thus great heartache, (I'm NO good when it comes to pain, especially heartache), so I abandon it before it abandons me, it suppose.
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I think what you said here is very insightful Shangrala. I think you're right, you would rather be the one making the decision rather than 'forced loss'. I think it's a mixture of pride that stems from your childhood experiences and fear of showing your vulnerability - you don't want to show you're hurt, so you act like it doesn't bother you. I think it's great you're realizing this about yourself and understanding where it comes from.