[HZ3006]

My boyfriend and I talked last night and he told me that he realized he doesn't really love me... he said that he really deeply cares about me and he wishes he loved me but even though he doesn't he doesn't want to break up because he thinks over time he might grow to love me.
I want to stay with him because:
He makes me happy.
He could eventually grow to love me
It would break my heart if we broke up
I love him
He's the only one I want to be with.

I want to break up with him because:
He doesn't love me
If he never grows to love me that will make it worse
I could find somebody else
His confusion is just making it worse, and it just seems to get worse and worse.

I really don't know what to do. Unfortunately, what I truly want and what is best for me may not be the same thing.

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by HZ3006

My boyfriend and I talked last night and he told me that he realized he doesn't really love me... he said that he really deeply cares about me and he wishes he loved me but even though he doesn't he doesn't want to break up because he thinks over time he might grow to love me.
I want to stay with him because:
He makes me happy.
He could eventually grow to love me
It would break my heart if we broke up
I love him
He's the only one I want to be with.

I want to break up with him because:
He doesn't love me
If he never grows to love me that will make it worse
I could find somebody else
His confusion is just making it worse, and it just seems to get worse and worse.

I really don't know what to do. Unfortunately, what I truly want and what is best for me may not be the same thing.

I'm so sorry to hear what yoyu are going through. I went through a similar situation.... but my BF ran as fast as he could rather than staying and fighting for the relationship. He regretted it soon after but is now engaged to another (very quickly after our break up).

Has he fallen out of love (as in did he love you once?) or just doesn't know of he did ever love you?
Is it worth talking to a relationship counsellor do you think?

What you want and what's best will be totally different - but such a hard decision to make

My thoughts are with you

Hello, HZ3006. No matter what you decide, do not doubt you are a loving, valuable, compassionate and caring person.

[HZ3006]

I guess I figured it out, why he feels the way he does... he has a past, things he went through that now makes him feel like he just might not have the capacity to love (which I know isn't the truth) and he has some secrets that he never told anybody but me. I care about him so much I just want to help him get over all of this and face his past. I'm so relieved to know why all this was happening and glad I can be there to help him get through it.

[Belle1979]

Good luck with it all let us know how it goes x

[Envision]

Welcome to the wonderful world of love. It is confusing and there's no road map to show you how to get where you want to be. Your post was very well balanced so you know the issues your dealing with. How long did you date? He may be confused as much as you are, not sure what to do but felt the need to be honest. This was a very positive thing he did by telling you, you may not appreciate it right now but will in the future no matter how things turn out. Looks like time is what's needed along with the occasional long talk sessions to keep updating each other on where you are now and where, if anywhere, you want to go.

[psychochicx13x]

Originally Posted by HZ3006

My boyfriend and I talked last night and he told me that he realized he doesn't really love me... he said that he really deeply cares about me and he wishes he loved me but even though he doesn't he doesn't want to break up because he thinks over time he might grow to love me.
I want to stay with him because:
He makes me happy.
He could eventually grow to love me
It would break my heart if we broke up
I love him
He's the only one I want to be with.

I want to break up with him because:
He doesn't love me
If he never grows to love me that will make it worse
I could find somebody else
His confusion is just making it worse, and it just seems to get worse and worse.

I really don't know what to do. Unfortunately, what I truly want and what is best for me may not be the same thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True love happens. Its not something you can learn, or make happen. Depending on how long you have already been together can effect it too. If you have been together less then 6 months, the relationship is still new but he should know by then if he will love you or not. If it has been over 6 months or a few years, dont waste your time waiting because if he doesnt love you after that long that means he could possibly love someone else who comes along which will hurt more since you waited. I understand you want to be with him and only him but if his love is not there wouldnt you want someone who loves you and wants you so much from beginning to end? If he doesnt love you now, the relationship might of just been based on lust which many guys do.

[Envision]

Any progress?

[IndigoD]

Hi HZ3006,
I know what you are feeling. Its very confusing when the one you love has issues of their own. I too have thought that my love and commitment will be enough to heal a damaged man. He can be so closed, so distant, that it just breaks my heart. Over the years I have become much better at coping with this, I have learned not to take it personally, which was a great learning for me and something very important I needed to figure out for my own growth - its not always about me! :-) It is just his problem. But, and there is a but, after all these years I still wonder if it is worth it. In the cold times I wonder if I wouldn't be better of finding someone capable of loving me in the way I would like to be loved, as I know there are healthy happy people out there, and yes, I also know no-one is perfect. If you continue with this, be prepared to make this man your "project" - it will take a lot of you, but you will learn a lot about yourself and when he opens up and lets yo in it will all seem worthwhile, like the sun shining on a cloudy day. Therapists may tell you this is co-dependance, and in a way it is. But people are harmed and damaged and worthy of love, and sometimes we need to sacrifice in order to help them. The main criteria I would consider if it is worth it or not is how much he is prepared to put in too. Is he willing to work to address the pains of his past? It doesn't have to be therapy, but it does need self awareness and a willingness to change and grow, a genuine desire to not forever be shaped and determined by what has happened in the past. He needs to want to learn how to love deeply, fully, maturely. Then you have something to work on. In addition, he needs to care for you. He needs to put the effort in to make you happy, to respond to your requests and try and change his behaviour in small areas. This is how we encourage people to love.
It sounds lie you have a good start, as you can talk. Maybe talk some more. Be emotionally brave now, so you have no regrets later. You are a warrior of the heart. Let you own strength and capacity for love sustain and guide you. Come what may, you will be ok.
I wish you all the best!

[youOme]

I think that's messed up, let me guess... he led you to believe he did love you till he admitted that he didn't. That's like lieing. I don't know. I think you could be with somebody who would love you completely. Why waste your time on somebody who doesn't. As far as making him love you, or him "growing" into love.... personally I believe it's fake. I hope the best for you, don't put up with anything unsatisfactory just because your afraid of the emotional discomfort. Remember, as time passes, it'll get easier.

[Tatyana2009]

Can you honestly love this man knowing he does not love you? knowing that you are waiting for something to change?

We all deserve to be with people who love and respect us. Not loving enough is a terrible thing to do to a person.

Be brave. You are worth more!!

[HZ3006]

I think things are getting better... he seems to be opening up a little bit... the only problem right now is that we hardly get the chance to talk on the phone, which, that and texting is the only way we can communicate except once a week, sometimes two, when we get the chance to see each other in person.
I really don't think this has anything to do with the fact that he's not willing to try to love me, I think instead, in fact he told me, that he's worried he might not ever have the capability of loving anybody because of what happened. I believe that is not true, no matter what anybody goes through in their life, I think everyone can find love.
This is making me feel a bit like I will never be loved, which he doesn't understand, and he thinks that at my age love should not be important, but I disagree. Also, because I know that he doesn't love me that is making me want to be with him so much more, which I can't explain, I can only understand.
I think we are doing better now, we are fighting less about unimportant things. I still feel hurt, but I am realizing now that I think I would rather be with him and help him through what happened to him and listen to him than leave him and try and find someone else that can truly love me. I want to help him through this, and even if it turns out he will never actually love me, maybe that doesn't really matter, and all that matters is that I love him.
I'm still confused, but having the chance to think about everything helped me a lot.

[Belle1979]

Hugs to you HZ. I hope that this has an outcome that wont hurt you in the long run.

One thing that my therapist said is that there are different stages of love.. in the end it's 'companionship' love... not the fire and spark that is there in the beginning.... Does he think that his feelings for you have changed over time?

[HZ3006]

No, he thinks he never truly loved me because of his past.

What happened in your past, HZ3006, that has you willing to stay in a relationship without love?

[Locust]

HZ,
I really relate to your post. My guy has never said he loves me, and has, in fact, said he doesnt' love me in the romantic sense. Our situations are quite similar. Also, I want to stay with him for the same reasons as you do- "He makes me happy," "He could eventually grow to love me," "It would break my heart if we broke up," "I love him," and "He is the only one I want to be with" at the moment. And I don't want to fall for anyone else. However, I think I'm crazy for staying for some of the same reasons you stated for wanting to break up- "He doesn't love me," "If he never grows to love me that will make it worse," "His confusion is just making it worse, and it just seems to get worse and worse." I didn't list one of the ones you said-I could find someone else. And why? Because I don't want to fall in love with anyone else, and because honestly, I think relationships suck in general, love is B.S., and I'll prob. just end up with someone else who doesn't love me or that I don't love. Anyway, as another mentioned, you say nothing about how long you've been together. If you've been together 3 months and are upset because he doesn't love you, yet, I'd say stick it out. It takes more time for some people to fall in love than others, and you want it to be genuine when he says it. If it's been years, then yes, you have an issue. In my case, it's been nearly two years. I used to think it would get harder, and I'd go nuts never hearing it- that the frustration and sadness would increase with time. But instead, I've gotten more accustomed to not hearing it, and accepting, I might never hear it. Not that it doesn't bother me. It does.

[HZ3006]

Thank you, everybody, and to answer your question, Byzantine, I don't think there's really anything in my past to be honest, but I want to help him through what he's gone through in his past. I care about him and I want to help him get over it as much as he ever could, at least.

And you can make that choice, HZ3006. Wishing you and your friend the best.

[HZ3006]

Thank you.

[Envision]

Yeah, best of luck, hope everything turns out great for both of you.