codependancy in marriage

hello.... Has anybody come to the realisation that they are codependant or their spouse is codependant and how did you overcome this debilitating situation... Thanks

Hey cma,

I was in a co-dependant marriage but I was the one dependant. I put up with every affair, every drunken rant, everything because I had been told by my mum "You made you bed, now sleep in it". She never helped me but she is alcoholic too and they were drinking buddies, I don't drink alcohol at all or smoke, but they did both.

It took me 30 years to get up the courage to get away, and that was years after the marriage had died; I stayed to look after him in his alcohol fueled haze which was every day...

I just decided one day I wanted to be and deserved to be happy...if you are in this situation I hope you make your decision soon,

Rhia

Thank you for your advice, i hope you found happiness after you left such a miserable situation and yes you deserve to be happy. I think there is a bit of both each of us a bit codependant on each other. My husband doesn't like it when i go out when he's home, he wants to do everything with me , if i'm upset about something he thinks i'm mad at him and he gets in a bad mood too., Does this sound like codependance or controlling behaviour?

I was once told that the fact that I have a mental illness means any partner of mine is automatically codependent, just by virtue of choosing a mate who has a mental illness. I don't know if that's true or not. I really don't think so, because I don't see any signs of codependency in my husband. However, I was abused in my first marriage. Also, right before this one (it's my fifth marriage, I'm embarrassed to say) I was married to a man who was basically an overgrown eight-year-old. He had disabilities but not to the extent that it justified the way his family treated him. I sometimes say that his biggest "handicap" was being treated all his life as if he was handicapped. They never taught him how to do for himself. They just assumed he couldn't learn, and did for him. Then when he was married to me, I began teaching him to do those things. The dead giveaway here was that he *learned.* Were they happy he was learning? No. They were furious with me for not accepting the fact that he was "helpless." They didn't even want me in the picture. For him to be a married man was a sign of normality, and they just wouldn't have that. I didn't have to worry about getting out of that situation. His family kept riding me so hard, they eventually convinced him I was evil incarnate, and he left me. To this day he continues to have basic things done for him, that he is perfectly capable of doing for himself.

Cma, I don't know if I see a red flag in your situation, but I think I see a yellow one. If your husband doesn't like for you to go out without him, there could be trust issues. And it looks like he personalizes all of your emotions. It doesn't look healthy to me, for him to think that any time you're upset, it's about him.

My husband is defiantely co-dependant. Along with the things you mentioned he has always been with a woman. I'm his third wife, but he met me while with one woman, moved in with another woman just to be closer to me, and then with me.

You mention that he always insists when you're upset it's his fault. My husband does the same thing, but when he's upset it's never me - kind of sweet but also a little annoying at times.

One thing I started was to point out how self-centered that sounded to me. Usually when he implies he must have done something wrong, I will say something like "Yes, since the universe revolves around you, it must have been something you did." I also remind him that I have a professional life that he has no part of. I try to keep the two separate, but for me it's easier to keep family out of work than work out of family.

I've only been doing that for a year or so, and there have been signs of improvement. He asks how my day was more often and lets me talk about what I can when things bother me. I've had to remind him the universe revolves around him less and less as time goes on. Don't know if it's really working, but at least he isn't taking things as personal.

Just something that is kind of working for me.

Its usually rare to find only one person in a co-dependent relationship. You are both probably co-dependent in your own ways. There is a great book; Codependent no more, that you should read. Codependency and control go hand in hand.

Do you love your boyfriend? you can make it. Assure him that your feelings are yours to own and its not his responsibility to manage your feelings. I would say this to him every time he internalizes them, and you will probably say this to him a lot. He should seek some help for this as well.

Have you considered couples therapy? if nothing else, read that book, seriously.

I beleve I am codependant too
You are not alone in this