sad and confused

I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for almost 3. I hate that I am not in love with him. He goes through periodic depression a do I, but he never seems to be there for me and I never seem to be able to help him. He says he loves me still but he doesn't always act like it. I took a new job that takes me away from the house most of the week and he only contacts me if I text him first. I don't feel close to him at all. We've only been intimate once in the last 2 months and only after we both were really drunk. I don't like being around him anymore. He's not a bad guy, I just feel like i have to drag him along through life. He only seems to do the bare minimum. He doesn't make plans for the future but relies on me to direct where things go. I want an equal partner. He says I nag him when I try to encourage him. I feel like his mother half the time. For the last month or so I've been looking online desperately trying to figure out if there is a way to make this all work. Some days I'm so frustrated I just want to drive away and never come back. We went to therapy for about 6 sessions, but he never seem to be interested in it. We are both on meds for depression and I feel so much better, but ever since I've felt better being around him has been so much harder. I think its over but I'm scared of whats next.

Hey there acrazynao,

Sounds like you are really under pressure to do all the hard stuff and do it alone. It can be very difficult for one to carry the other one around when they are on a therapy that is working for them but their partner seems immune to medications.

You really need to assess what is better for you; the unhappiness of the marriage or the possibilites of a new future. I know that is scary for you but if counselling didn't work the first time then it won't work a second time either; so maybe the one thing blocking your freedom is that fear or that anxiety of a future alone?

You'll find a great deal of support here and lots of good advice; take from it what you feel is aligned to your good and leave what you feel isn't. I really do hope you make decisions that feel right for you,

Rhian

Good luck with whatever you decide, acrazynao.

Hello and welcome acrazynao,

Rhiannonsmoon made a couple of very good points. 1) People are different in how they react to medications and therapy. Very true and 2) This site can be very helpful. Many, many people share their experiences and/or knowledge to help others through. A great resource!

I'm not sure that I'd agree with your husband not wanting to work through T with you. It's complicated. When is it never complicated? LOL!

I've been in therapy myself for many years ~ just trying to fix myself. I have seen many different T's, and can wholeheartedly tell you that different T's are better for different people. Perhaps your spouse didn't feel a "click" with this T? Perhaps he felt that the T spent more time doing ___ than they should have and not enough time discussing other matters. Just possibilities for you to consider.

Personally, I've also become divorced. First, we separated for a year. When we couldn't quite click even on "little topics", we could see that we were at the end of our road. It is very depressing to me. Not an easy thing for me at all. I often wish that we had tried harder back when we still could make a big difference. Back when we were honestly emotionally committed to one another. My ex and I have been apart for 2 1/2 years, I think, and it still makes me so sad. (Us having children together requires very regular visits.)

I'm not trying to bring you down deep into depression ~ Gosh, I hope that I didn't! I just want you to really think about the changes. Remember when we took our vows? Does that make you feel a longing, sadness, anger, or ??? Something to think about. Talk about those emotions and thoughts with a professional, to help you through in understanding yourself. Go from there in what you feel the right thing to do is. You do have time.

I wish you the very best ~ take care!

Good point ((((Shezbut))))...I see Counsellors different to actual psychotherapists and I didn't "think" before I wrote that...thanks for pointing it out....

Rhia

Acrazynao,

Dont give up on your husband or your marriage yet. You are both by your own admission, depressed. This kicks anyones ***, and throw in the fact you are both depressed, makes it worse.

As you know the symptoms of depression are lack of motivation, depressed emotions, lack of sex drive, loss of zest for life, etc. It seems like what you listed about your husband is common in those depressed. He is probably picking up on how you feel about him as well.

You said you feel like his mother, so maybe there is a possibility that you do nag him? IDK, something to think about. I hope you would think about this, exhaust every effort to work on your marriage before just walking away. I wish you the best.

thank you all for your replies and support. i'm actually on a med that i really think is helping. i don't feel depressed, just unhappy with my situation. I re suggested therapy and hes not interested. He says he doesn't want it to be over, but hasn't done anything we've talked about to make things better. (read a couples book about depression, get the car registered while I was out of town, try to wake up before noon) I feel, and have felt several times throughout our relationship that I have to live life for the both of us. It is terribly draining. I get that his depression is worse than mine, I get that it might be what is making him so emotionally unavailable (even though he still tries to cuddle) I just don't know how long I can do it. He was/has been suicidal in the past (i'm pretty sure he's not atm) and his family has all thanked me for "keeping him alive." It's a huge responsibility. When we got married he promised me that those kinds of things were behind him, and for some reason I believed him.
I'm just rambling now... thanks again, all of you.

you asked a while ago how i felt about our marriage vows. I cried when we got married bc I was so happy. Now, it makes me sad. I feel we didn't get married for the right reasons. We are talking to a T next week. We both aren't happy in our situation but still have very little idea what to do. I don't know if i'm strong enough to give up, but it feels like I might lose it mentally if I don't. He admitted to have never stopped being depressed the entire time I've known him, and that if he was happy during any of it he was able to actually feel happy. He changed his meds again last month and he seems more able to accomplish things (as long as he doesn't have to leave the house) I 'm changing meds this week since I'm starting to sink further. I've been depressed before, but never this bad. So many times I just want to disappear. The idea of continuing and struggling each day feels like too much and totally not worth it. I don't have kids, I have to find a new job since my last one was only temp. I haven't donee anything worthwhile with my life. sh..t sorry guys.. i don't want to upset anyone.

Dear sad and confused,

Read your post from yesterday and glad to hear you guys are going to a T. I heard alot of myself in your original post, and I am grateful you posted it, because it reminds me of the not too distant past. one thing that i have found that helps me is checking in on a daily basis with this site and reading some posts and posting on my own thread if needed. i also do the daily mood tracker to keep track of my mood swings. by doing this i am practicing self-care and keeping the focus on me, which helps me to keep things in perspective. i encourage you to try this for one week and see if it helps.