[sanityseeker]

I was looking through some boxes of old pictures and I came across some from a holiday romance on a trip to Costa Rica over Christmas 1991. Almost 20 years ago! Along with the pictures were copies of love letters between us (yes I made copies lol). They made me feel like I was back there again. Too cute actually. lol.

Anyways I googled him and found him! I sent him an email. OMG!! I still can't believe I did that! He was living in Australia when I met him but is now in Virginia.

I will let you know if he replies. EEKS!! I think I am blushing. lol.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

OOH! Sanity! Sounds wonderful...please keep us updated

Rhiannon

[sanityseeker]

Hi Rhian, no word yet. lol. With the light of day I am questioning my sanity to potentially have opened a can of worms but what the hey... we will see. He many not even respond. It was fun having a giddy moment though. lol.

[perpetuallysad]

That is sooo sweet. Even if he doesn't call (who knows if he still uses the email addy you found) what a nice thing to remember a romantic affair!

[sanityseeker]

Hi perpetuallysad, yes it was fun to be reminded of our time together. I often think of him but for the life of me I couldn't remember his last name until I found the letters.

The email address is actually his business so I am pretty sure it is active. I put private in the subject line and didn't say much in the message considering it was his business. I copied it to an addy from his facebook (yes I even found him there lol) but it came back undeliverable. It may put him in a state of shock for a day or two.

When we parted he was making claims of coming to visit me at home but I was saying no no no!! you can't come into my real world. His letters after suggested he was coming anyways but he never did show up and my letters to a general delivery address he gave me somewhere in Central America (forget where now) never got picked up.

A friend of his half way between Costa Rica and where I live called me out of the blue wondering if I had heard from him because he had told his friend about me and that he was heading our way. He never showed so the two of us started a search for him. We were worried since we knew he would be travelling through some dangerous areas.

I ended up being the one to track him down in Australia by phone. It was very very anti-climactic. Short and sweet. "Glad you are safe. Give your friend a call he is worried about you. Okay bye." I always wondered what was up with that. I just figured he must have met another woman along the way who went back with him to Australia or he went back to his ex wife. I could tell he was nervous and kind of speechless. Talk about a bubble burst. Geesh! I decided I needed to leave what happened between us back where it belonged.... in the category of a holiday romance. Until last night when I found the letters.

I really don't expect to hear from him but I think I am glad I wrote him the email just the same. It is fun to imagine the surprised look on his face. There are pictures of him all over his website so I know I got the right guy.

It was a wonderful affair. It came at such a perfect time in my life. I had gone to Costa Rica to avoid the Christmas blues that always hit me after my mother's passing. The fun in the sun was the perfect antidote.

[marjan]

so exciting....I'm so glad that you emailed him....It's better to email than not doing anything....I wonder what has happened to him either....interesting....keep us posted....

[sanityseeker]

yes... interesting... lol. No mention of a wife and family on his website but then again it is his business. It does mention his central american travels in 1991. He has been state side since the mid 90's.

I am feeling a little like a stalker. lol. There is a phone number on his website but no way will I use it. He takes daily special orders via email so I know he will get it right away. If I don't hear from him I will get the message. He looks good though. lol.

[marjan]

well....you don't know anything about his life during these many years....but I'm proud of you for the courage to send him an email....that's the positive side of the story and good sign.....

we all are stalker in some point in our life....before Facebook, I was on Orkat, same like FB and it is google product.....just it didn't have any of the FB policies.....it was showing you how many people viewed your profile during the day....and I was surprised with the number....I had nothing on the page for anybody to look really....hehehe....and everyday there were so many people to look at my profile.....another thing was showing who has viewed me....and surprisingly guys were viewing me that I had no clue why they look at my profile.....of course I knew them

That's my point....we are all stalker...just FB is good in term of hiding it!

enjoy....and I hope he gets in touch with you....and if not, you should be happy for being brave to email him.....

take care
Marjan

[sanityseeker]

I took my stalking one step further with google earth. Looked right in the window of his business. Too funny!

[Belle1979]

hahaha Sanity - love it!
Is this the 'holiday romance' that you told me about
Keep the news coming!!

[sanityseeker]

Must be Belle... since it is the only one other then when I was a teenager on summer vacation. Not quite the intensity of course. lol.

[Belle1979]

haha
You sound happy.. have fun with getting in contact with him again xx

[sanityseeker]

I am doing well for the most part. A bit of anxiety off and on but otherwise fine. Not holding my breath that I will hear from him but it was nice to discover that I could be 'aroused' so to speak. lol. I guess I am not over the hill quite as far as I thought I was after all. Too funny actually.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

I took my stalking one step further with google earth. Looked right in the window of his business. Too funny!

OMG....you just taught me a new way to stalk people....hehehe....that's my birthday gift today....

[Belle1979]

haha shocking! but Google is brilliant... hehe I had a look at the camp/town that Louis is living at while he is away... works a treat

Sanity you are not over the hill... and a little bit of fun like that can show you that.. nothing wrong with thinking and acting like a teenager..... I seem to be doing it all of the time with Louis haha... feel 16 again and loving it.. the racing heart when I speak to him and the butterflies in my tummy when he says something romantic or loving

[sanityseeker]

Ain't love grand! lol. Yes I love that google earth where you can get a street level view. So cool. They blur out the faces of the people who happened by when they took the shots. Its a bit scary to think of how it could be misused though. A serious stalker could really make use of that technology.

[sanityseeker]

Now I really regret opening this can of worms. It has stirred up too many old feelings that I am not comfortable having. He did not reply and now I am pretty certain he won't. I am angry with myself for walking into another kick in the head. I am so stupid sometimes I can't believe myself. I can't believe how something nearly 20 years passed can have such an impact on me. I am so angry with myself for opening this door and lining up all these triggers that are setting to go off I could spit!

I foolishly read all the old letters. What a assinine thing for me to do. I am not nearly stable enough to cope with the emotions it stirred up. My goodness what a masicist (sp?) I am. I should know better by now not to take such risks or set myself up for such emotional confusion.

I am trying to stop myself from thinking about it or allowing the anger to get out of control but its not easy. I think I need to finally destroyed those letters. I wish now that I had never found them again.

Sorry for the rant but I need to bring some closer to this now somehow. arrrgg!! I can't believe I let myself fall into this silly trap. I was better off when I thought I couldn't feel these things again. Truly I was. Will find my way back there again asap. I don't like how I am feeling right now. Too much on top of other things going on. Give me back my familiar solitude!! geesh!

[El-ahrairah]

awe <3333333333333333333 maybe he is busy? <3333333

or perhaps married? you said you found him on face book, does it say hes married?

[sanityseeker]

His facebook privacy setting prevent me from seeing much. I would have to befriend him to see more. The email address on his profile is inactive. Suggests he isn't very active on facebook. Sending a friend request seems too pushing with the email still hanging.

It could be any number of reasons why I haven't heard from him I guess. He could be married. He could be on vacation. A significant other could have found it first and deleted it. He could be thinking about how to reply or whether to reply. He doesn't remember me.

What matters more is how it is throwing me off balance. How it is triggering obsessively thinking about it. How it stirs up my warped thinking about relationships and my capacity to be vulnerable. How the letters stirred up so many old emotions. How reading the letters exposed my symptoms back then when I was so comfortably in denial. How many bad choices I made back then that caused my symptoms to get worse.

How my mind is racing with what if thoughts that have me consumed with regrets. How much anger is boiling beneath the surface. Anger at me, anger at him.... then and now. Anger about how hard I am having to work right now to keep things from spinning further out of control. Angry that I brought this on myself.

I will be okay. I keep telling myself that. I have been countering the reactions all night with moderate success. I think I am aware of what is going on so that gives me some capacity to settle myself down. I just wish I hadn't put myself in this position in the first place now. I am not stable enough to feel these things. I can't deal well enough with the consequences of this kind of uncertainty.

I guess that is what I am most angry about. Nothing is simple or harmless for me. Babying myself is getting really old.

I will try to use this anger to my advantage. It might help me let it all go and move on before any further havoc is created.

[sugahorse1]

EEk - wow. Really want to watch this one unfold!

[marjan]

my dear SanitySeeker, I think you are beating up yourself for no good reason.....
first of all, you didn't do anything wrong....you had a romance, you found some old letters, which were way back that people were not hooked up with computer so much, now it's completely another era with all the technology and knowing everybody has access to computer, facebook, email instantly, so you tried to get in touch with him.....what the big deal?

I think he has to be ashamed of not answering your sweet email.....

However, that's computer and email.....It has happened to me so many times that people told me oh I emailed you and they were pretty hurt that I didn't replied them back....you know why I didn't answer them, because the email was going right into my junk email if it was not recognized the domain of the email.....there are millions of reasons why he didn't reply you back.....I think the last reason is him wanting to ignore you.....I do believe that he hasn't read the email yet....

Another example if it makes you feel better, I emailed my ex-huband when we were living together and that was an email begging him to work on our relationships.....he never replied me back and I never asked him why? this is the time that we used to live together.....then just couple of months ago, he finally replied back to the email.....same story, the email went to his junk emails and he never looked at his junk emails till five years later which was couple of months ago.....he was devastated in his email telling me how sorry he is for not reading that email and he was thinking that would have changed our life, but too late.....

So, I would not trust computer, email.....

another example is my mom who made our life hell, because my older sister who lives in England were not on facebook or skype talking to her for couple of days before mom goes to England to visit her.....mom was making all the stories that "oh she doesn't want me to go there and I would not go there and I won't tell her, I just change my ticket!"....that was insane....I told my sister and she said she has internet problem.....that's simple....just mom made her life and our life like a hell for couple of days....arggg....

Again.....I think you did a best move ever....I'm so proud of you and your encouragement.....I would have done the same and not having any regrets....that's a sign of being brave.....

If you need to rant about it, just write us back.....we all here to help....

with love
Marjan

[sanityseeker]

Oh Suga... you are funny. But the waiting for nothing is driving me batty.

I know you are right Marjn... but that is the logic of a rational brain. This waiting and wondering is triggering so much irrational thinking and so many over the top emotions I am just really questioning the wisdom of my actions considering all that.

I am constantly going to check my email. Its not healthy. My mind is totally preoccupied with wondering if he got the email or not. If I will ever hear from him.

Okay so here is some more background for the soap opera lovers (that would be you Suga lol)....

When we parted at the airport it was all the tears of a soap opera scene. 'I will see you in a few months." "No you mustn't come into my real life. We can never see each other again."

I am regreting my words before I even step on the plane and as soon as I get home I start pouring out my love in a letter. Almost daily I add to the letter. I have no address for him to send it but I keep pouring out my love expecting I will get a letter from him soon enough.

A couple of weeks go by before I finally get a letter and he is still determined to come to me. He wasn't going to let what we had go. He was even going to cut short the plans that originally would have meant 3 months passing before he travelled my way. He couldn't give me an address to write hiim back but as soon as he could he would write again.

Meanwhile I continue with my daily outpouring of emotions anticipating the day he would come to me. Another week or so goes by before a second letter comes. This time he is starting to protect his heart and questioning the wisdom of rushing to see me if all I intend is to turn him away. He was going to go a head and do the things he had planned before meeting me but he was still going to come. He said if he didn't he would always wonder. He had to at least try before heading back to Australia.

Relieved to finally hear from him again I packaged up and send my romance novel off in the snail mail to the general delivery address he gave to me. After about a week I started phoning the general delivery office everyday to see if it was picked up.

Then I got the call for the friend in Aspen who was expecting him there for some skiing on his way up to me. He hadn't shown up and the friend wondered if he skipped him by. That was when we both started to try to track him down. We were legitimately worried something had happened in Central America. This was the 90's.

I located him home in Australia and he was so distant and unenthusiastic about my call that the rug came right out from under me. I was caught with out words. I had the distinct feeling that I had interrupted something. That my call was not even welcomed. That something major had changed everything. I felt like he just wanted to end the call so I finally just said goodbye. I told him to let his friend in Aspen know he was okay but I never told him about my letters or about my feelings. Something in his voice told me it was not appropriate. It was too late.

I was devistated by his reaction. I was totally dumbfounded. After a few day I phoned the general deliver office and asked them to return to me the letter when it arrived.

All these years I have wondered what happened. Wondered what would have happened had he received my 3 weeks of daily gushing into that letter. He never knew how much I wanted him to come to me afterall. He only had my airport pleas to not come into my world. To please not complicate my life. He had no idea how deperate I was to see him again. He was now half a world away. He would never know.

I have always wanted to know the end of the story. I have always wondered what might have been if he had known. If I had not be afraid of my own heart.

This kind of story would never happen today with all the technology available for instant communication. Even in Central America there would be an internet cafe somewhere so he could connect with me by email or find me on facebook or hook up with me on skype. But 20 years ago there was none of that in our lives. When I was in Costa Rica I only called home twice because I didn't always have access to a phone where I was travelling. The countries he travelled to after leaving CR were even less connected. All we had was snail mail.

I know I expect instant communication just because the technology allows for it. I am not willing or able to wait like I waited before. I need a response now. I need to find out what happened and maybe I want to see if there is anything left between us after all these years.

I love a good romance movie too. Do you know the movie the Family Man with Nicolas Cage and Tye ?... forget her name. He is a high powered New York marketing guru who gets a message from an old girl friend asking him to come by her office to collect some things that she had of his. It had been 13 years since he had seen her. Events unfold a little and he is given a glimpse of what his life would have been like if he had not left for a year in England but had instead caved when his girlfriend begged him to stay. Instead of waking up in bed in his penthouse suite the next morning he wakes up in a suburban home with two small kids jumping all over him. At first he is in total shock and not happy with the life he would have had but by the time his glimpse is over he fights to hold on to that life. This time it is him at the airport begging his old girlfriend who without him in her life had become a high powered lawyer now on her way to Paris. She does cave to his pleas and they live happily ever after.

Thanks for listening to another chapter of my ramblings. I know I can't do anything to rush this along. That's funny. I said that over and over again in my letters as I waited to hear from him way back then.

Here we go again. That is what I don't like about this. Starting the waiting again. I am not coping well but actually I am probably coping well enough to stop making such a big deal of it all.

What do I have to loose. I was already left hanging. At worst I get left hanging again and that is the end of the story. I will just have to let it be what it is. An unfinished story.

sanity, i don't think the problem is so much that you contacted this old flame but how ruthlessly you are beating yourself up about it. seriously, that is some world-class self abuse going on. i think working a bit on your self-talk would make a huge difference in your life. another thing to consider is that stabilizing our emotions is not the same thing as repressing them. i think it is possible you are trying to deaden yours and thinking that is stabilizing them. you're not too old for love. why would you be? we only age on the outside not on the inside. just because your ex-h wasn't able to cope with your illness doesn't mean that all future partners would react that way. please be gentle with yourself, okay?

[sanityseeker]

You are probably right bloom but it isn't easy for me to hear it. I will try to be gentle with myself but I am afraid that if I let myself feel too much I will meltdown and cycle somewhere I don't want to go. The anxiety today of getting my son off to vacation with my brother has been almost overwhelming. Its normal everyday stuff that just triggers so much anxiety for me I do just want to numb myself from everything.

I guess I need to rethink what stabilizing looks like and feels like too perhaps. My head is ready to explode off my shoulders right now so just breathing and not thinking seems my best strategy for now.

Thanks for your wisdom.

[Elana05]

[quote=sanityseeker;1439024]Its normal everyday stuff that just triggers so much anxiety for me I do just want to numb myself from everything. quote]

Hi sanityseeker,

I couldn't agree more. I have heard it said that these kinds of emotions are a gift. ie. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Ha!
Anyway, I know just how you feel. I tend to get myself into these kinds of things too... and (as you can imagine) put myself down for it. Thing is... you haven't done anything wrong. We are only human. Your experience sounded wonderful, full of romance and emotion...
I think that the strong (hurt, confused etc) feelings you have now will pass soon. Just be gentle with yourself.
I bet you'll have another love story in your future.

E