Bf's Family more important than me? Am I being unreasonable?

Ok, so my boyfriend and I had plans to hang out this weekend. Well, I texted him yesterday and asked if he still planned on coming over. He said that he did plan on coming over last night, but wasn't sure if he was going over his Mother's house today. I told him that I thought he had plans to spend time with me and he already saw his family on Tuesday and for a bit on Friday night so twice already this week. His argument was that he only had like an hour and a half with them on Friday and didn't see all of them on Tuesday. The fact is we have been spending like almost everyday together and then we hadn't been together for the past 3 days. In those days, my bf seemed even more distant than usual. He didn't text me or call as much as he used to so I have felt so lonely and sad. Then, he sprung this on me that he really misses his little sister. It feels like he's choosing his little sister over me and I don't think that's right. He has had time with his sister all his life and he's only known me for like a few months. I also have to wonder why all of a sudden he has changed. He used to want to spend every moment with me and he told me just a few days ago that he feels depressed the moment he leaves me, but his actions now are not showing that anymore.

I am so sad and I keep wondering if his feelings have changed towards me and that he has fallen out of love or never really loved me. We attempted to talk on the phone and work this out last night, but he just kept saying how much he missed his sister and it really upset me and made me feel like he didn't care at all about me so I hung up on him and I haven't heard from him since. I admit that hanging up on him was wrong, but I feel like he's been rude and has insulted me by choosing to spend time with his sister instead of me. I had my time set aside to be with him this weekend and now it's all ruined. I am considering breaking up with him over this because I can not be happy in a relationship where I constantly feel like I have to compete for his attention. I want to be his number 1 and it hurts that he isn't acting like I am right now.

Do you think I am just jumping to conclusions and being unreasonable here? I am depressed and even thinking suicidal thoughts cuz I feel so terribly alone right now. This is difficult for me to understand cuz I have never been too close to my family and I am fine going long periods of time without seeing them. This relationship has gotten very serious though because we have talked about moving in together and marriage even. I don't see how I can take the next step with someone who has to be with their family all the time though.

Hi Melinda

One thing that I have learnt over time is that blood is thicker than water - for me anyway. There is no one else in this world that can and will be there for you like family.
A guy that is close to his family usually has family values and really that can be important in a relationship.

Is there a way that you can go with him to see his family rather than seeing it as him not giving you enough attention?

I'm with Belle here. I've said it a million times, boyfriends/girlfriends even husbands and wives come and go. Family is there forever. You said it yourself that he's only known you a few months. What kind of a person would ignore their loved ones for a virtual stranger? There's got to be a balance, pitting yourself me vs. them is a big mistake. Should things work out for you and he I would think that you would find it comforting that he will be as loyal and loving to you once you become his family.

I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing the fact you miss him when you are not together or that you wish that you had more time to spend together.

The comment that you are depressed, even suicidal because you are so lonely without him is alarming. You must be the source of your own happiness, depending on another person to make you happy is TROUBLE waiting to happen.

I'm with Belle and AAAAA

Blood is thicker than water and I think there may be some jealousy that he is close to his family. You are looking to replace your family with someone who puts you first and if they are not prepared to replace their family with you then they are going to pay.

You mention "falling out of love" the term "Falling in love" in itself is an indication of loss of or lack of control of ones emotions and physical sensibilities. I honestly think that a relationship should be built over time, not just jumped into and be dictated by lust and passion.

It seems that you are wanting to punish him by first hanging up on him and then thinking suicidal thoughts which would include "him being sorry for choosing to spend time with his sister over you". Suicide is the greatest expression of anger one could make, and what a waste of life it is.

Irrespective of how you feel, commonsense and sensibility dictates that you would find another man to love in the not too distant future and you will declare your love for him too and if the relationship follows the same lines you will react the same again. I urge you to realise that you cannot replace family love with romantic love, in the hope that you will look at relationships with an open mind not with a mind closed based on only what you want; his physical presence when you demand it and his complete capitulation to you as his princess.

You can become strong here and you have a chance to rebuild your own feelings based on truth and a feeling of self honesty. Give yourself a chance to learn how to love someone based on genuine feeling not just physical feeling masquerading as love.

I really hope all turns out for the best, for everyone...

Rhiannon

Thanks for the advice guys, but it doesn't matter. I realized that I can not be happy in a relationship like this so I am breaking up with him. We are very far from virtual strangers and he would ignore his family for me in the beginning. Something has changed along the lines and he won't say what it is. He has never been great at communicating his feelings to me and he has ignored me completely all day today. He always texted and/or called me everyday in the few months we were together so something is not right here. I refuse to go through another unhappy relationship. I don't think family should be more important. I thought he considered me as his family too and I really needed him this weekend. I was seriously contemplating killing myself and I drank a lot and threw up. I feel horrible now. Btw, not every family is there forever. Mine has not been there for me. Mine would not care if I died.

=/ fam is more important that bfs and husbands and ect.

You sound pretty selfish lol

I am not being selfish and I take great offense to that remark. Jeez, I come here for support and what I get back is an insult. Thanks. Why even have a signifigant other if you're just gonna run to your family all the time?? Makes no sense to me. I think that he's acting like a child and needs to become less dependent on his family and grow up. Either that or his family has him whipped and he can't say no to them. I don't need that in my life. I refuse to compete with anyone for my bf's attention.

My ex bf only proved that he did not need me in his life so I removed him from mine. I am not happy that it had to end like this. In fact, I cried myself to sleep last night and now I don't feel like I can eat or sleep or focus on anything. In the beginning, I was the most important thing in his life and he did spend less time with his family than me. He shouldn't have acted that way if he didn't intend on keeping it up. He broke my heart and made me feel so sad and alone. If I'm gonna feel that sad and alone, I might as well not be in a relationship. No wonder so many people stay in relationships unhappy. Well, I am not that person anymore and I won't be unhappy in another relationship. If it means being alone forever and not finding anyone else then so be it. I no longer care.

Well just because you think he's too close to his family doesn't mean anything, as a gf you should be happy he is so family orientated.

I blame society for thinking it's weird to be close to family, there are cultures that stress the closeness of family.

And I said you sound selfish, not that you are, but that's what I got out of it.

Well, I think there is such a thing as being too close to your family. Besides, I thought he considered me family as well. It's rude to ignore other people in your life if you really truly care about them and it's rude to just blow off plans with your gf at the last minute to go see your family (unless of course there's an important emergency, but he did not say there was). If he wanted to see his sister that badly, he shouldn't have made plans to spend time with me. I never did that to him and I wouldn't. He is acting like a jerk who does not care about my feelings. I now get that my ex bf did not truly care about me or he stopped caring somewhere along the way. If he's willing to do that once, then it means he'll do it again in the future and there's no way I can trust him.

I personally think you're being unreasonable. ;x

Melinda, to change directions, how about making his family YOUR family, too, then you can be with him and have a family you know is tight and loving~! Of course, you will have to learn the skills that tight family members all have,,, like thinking of others first,, n stuff,,, good luck, best wishes,, Gus

Often times we are our own worst enemy. Are you breaking up with him because you want to end this relationship or to manipulate him into changing his behavior? I am not attacking you, I would like you to examine your own motives so that your next relationship will be a healthy and fullfilling one.

You've mentioned many of your own issues here (your family, previous relationships) and until you deal with your own issues, you are bound to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

When relationships are new they are like an addiction. At some point life intrudes upon the honeymoon stage and the relationship moves onto the next stage. Relationship + life. Some of the urgency is gone, but the return is a more mature relationship. It is unrealistic to expect that honeymoon stage to last indefinately.

I am truly sorry that your family has let you down. I cannot even comprehend what it is like not to have them to depend on. My youngest son is in his first (perhaps last) serious relationship. One of the reasons I love that young woman so much is because she understands that sometimes my son has a family that loves him as much as she does. That child has an identical twin brother. I have been somewhat jealous of the relationship that they have had from birth.

We include her in every family outing, because she is in fact part of our family now. But there were a few bumps in the road. They only have eyes for each other when they are together. His twin in particular was a bit annoyed that even when they (twins) spent time together, he was constantly texting his girlfriend.

This is the circle of life, sometimes it takes a minute to establish a balance.

So, his family wasn't really the only reason for our break up. There were other things under the surface that I have overlooked I guess, but it doesn't stop me from hurting one bit. I didn't really want to break up with him, no. I felt that I had to because he really hurt me and him spending time with his sister was not the real issue. The thing that upset me is he was willing to blow me off at the last minute. Had he just communicated to me earlier that he wanted to spend Sunday with his sister then I would have accepted it. Communication problems was the issue, but I communicated more to him than he did to me. He sent me an email today basically telling me that he led me on because he said he wasn't sure if he could make me happy (due to a little disagreement we had like a few weeks ago) which was really only one disagreement and he also said we rushed into things too quickly and moved too fast. He basically said he wasn't ready to commit to a serious relationship or marriage, but at least he admitted he was wrong for telling me that he was. Still, he led me on and my heart is deeply broken. He questioned whether or not we loved each other or whether we just had crazed hormones? That was terribly painful for me to read. Now I feel so terribly alone and I can't bring myself to eat, sleep, or focus on anything, but the pain. Even at work I had to try to fight off the tears so nobody could tell how sad I am. I went in the bathroom and cried a lot. This is the worst I have ever felt in a break up in my life. I really truly believe I was in love with him and yes, I have problems, but I was willing to work on them for him. I just needed more of a chance. I feel like I didn't get that. If he really loved me, then he should be willing to give us another try. We could have even taken a break if he needed it, but no he doesn't feel we should continue.

I know exactly how you feel....
I used to have a boyfriend who was preferring family to me ...and then a friend to me....And i did feel extremely anxious, hurt ...just the way you say you are feeling. Could not concentrate... nothing. total wreck until i decided to end it.

Usually, these feelings and these kinds of unstable relationships - or relationships SEEM unstable - is a sign of a borderline personality disorder.

Try this, i found it really good:

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/persona...sorder_test.mv

I wouldn`t say that this is ABSOLUTELY a sign that he prefers his family to you all the time! It happened just once!


Unreasonable or selfish is not what i would call you...i would call you anxious and afraid....and i understand your feelings

I almost called off my wedding in the eleventh hour. In fact the only reason I didn't was because my parents would have killed me. I'm glad that fear kept me from making a foolish decision. My husband is the most caring considerate person I have ever met, I am very blessed. BUT we've all been foolish in our lives.

When we married, he was in the military stationed 8 hours from our area. He would trade duties so that once a month he could leave his base right after work and drive the 8 hours to spend time with me for the weekend. He would leave me exactly 9 hours before he had to report for duty again.

He took leave to marry me in December. In November he made that duty arrangement, not to see me, but to go to hunting camp with his family. I was SO angry, I cannot even tell you. This was long before cell phones or internet. I was so hurt. I was so sure he was going to "surprise" me and show up after dark. He can go hunting with his family during the day, but surely he could come see me at night. I only lived an hour from his hunting camp!

They went into the local town "to pick up supplies" (ie beer) and he called me from the bar/gas station/store. I was LIVID. He could travel 30 minutes in the opposite direction to buy beer with his family but he couldn't drive an hour to make me happy? He thought he was being nice, calling me to let me know he was thinking about me and loved me. All it did was make me more angry.

I still think he should have come and seen me for an hour or so. But I understand that he was continuing the tradition with the male members of his family. Just because I understand it, doesn't mean I have to like it.