Mother's mid life crisis ruining our family.

Sorry this is so long! I submitted it to the website but I don't know if it will be answered, so basically if anyone has any insight on these issues or ANY advice, it would be GREATLY appreciated!

A few months ago, my mother reconnected with an ex boyfriend (from high school) on facebook. She was pretty open about the whole thing, even asking my father if it was okay if she friended him before she did. My father was fine with it, and she continued to talk to the guy.
A little bit later, my father accidentally discovered that she was posting things like "Hey baby" on this guy's page. This caused a huge argument, as my mother said that it was an invasion of her privacy and that it was no big deal, that it didn't mean anything. Eventually, my father was so angry about the situation, that he asked her to delete her ex boyfriend from facebook, which she did do.
More recently, I've noticed behavioral changes in my mother. We have always been very close and recently she seems distant and uninterested in the things I have to say. I go away to school, so the time that I can spend at home with my family during the summer is time that I cherish. In the past, I've felt that she felt the same way, by appreciating me and not taking the time we can spend together for granted. This summer, however, she often yells and screams about how she wants to be alone, how she is frustrated with my brother (he's 15) annoyed at my father, and when I try to talk to her about these behavioral changes, she just gets mad at me, telling me to not worry about her and to stop caring so much, often times, leaving the house after one of these outbursts, and comes back as though nothing has happened. One week she'll be down, another she'll be up. I feel like our relationship has suddenly become very touchy, as though I'm walking on eggshells around her erratic behavior. She's also been losing weight and getting back into drinking and smoking pot lately. She talks about getting plastic surgery. Because of these reasons, I believe my mother is going through a mid-life crisis.
To add even another layer to this awful tale, my father has grown more and more suspicious of my mother and her ex-boyfriend. (The ex doesn't live nearby so I do not believe they are having a physical affair, but I do think there are emotions involved.) My dad has started to snoop around her computer and see what she is doing. He has found that she created a separate e-mail and facebook account in order to talk to this guy. (Though as of right now, we don't know if she's actually been talking to him, just that she has attempted to.)
My father has been so distraught by this that he can't eat, can't sleep, and is getting distracted at work. Every time my father attempts to talk to my mother about the situation, she hardly says anything, and tells him that he has the right to be suspicious of her. My dad feels embarrassed by the situation, so he hasn't told anyone. Anyone except for me. He knows he shouldn't be snooping around her computer and he knows he shouldn't be talking to me about these things, just like I do. But I feel so horrible about the way my mother is treating him that I can't help but be there for him when he attempts to talk to me about it.
I've tried to talk to my mother about what I know and what is bothering me, and she has agreed to go to counseling. But my mother is a very stubborn person and has even said that she doesn't think the counseling will do anything. I think that is also very important to get my parents into marriage counseling, as there is obvious trust issues going on between them and to save their marriage through this tough time. (on top of whatever else is inside my mother's head.)
Basically, how can I convince my mother that she needs to go to marriage counseling with my father on top of her own counseling without spilling all the extra stuff that my dad has told me? (He has said to me that if it gets out that he's sharing these things with me that he's "dead") The prospect of my parents getting a divorce is already too much for my mind to handle as my parents have always such a good relationship until these recent changes. To add my mother leaving for another man makes it unbearable to think about, and I've been crying almost non-stop with it weighing on my mind. What am I supposed to do to make this okay in my head, and to prevent my mother's mid-life crisis and irrational behavior from ruining an otherwise fairly smooth 22 year marriage?
Also, I go back to school at the end of this month and I'm afraid of what is going to my family once I'm gone. I don't know what to do about that either! Help?

Oh my gosh! Where to begin? Well, that's WAY too much pressure to be under. You've come to the right place. I know I can only offer the advice I know, but hopefully, collectively, you can find some peace of mind and a place to start from. I believe part of the issues begin with your mother's recent increase in drinking and marijuana use. That can often let bottled up emotions bubble over in irrational ways. She may in fact be going through a idlife crisis, but she also may be losing a battle with mental illness, as it becomes more difficult as one gets older to battle it alone. She sounds like she might have possibly undiagnosed bipolar depression of somesort. MArriage counseling does sound a good first step, but it has to be something she wants to do. I don't know if leaving out more family photos of happier time when you were younger might help her come to her senses or what, just a thought. I would try sending this as a personal message to Doc. John for more advice, as well as seeking mroe insight from other members here(waiting for responses can be tough sometimes, as I should know) So I wouls offer more adivce, but it's difficult to tell you trhings that would be helpful if in fact your mothers is so stubborn to see that she needs outside help for her problems. Good luck! =)

Thank you very much for the response. I probably should've put this in the first post, but my mother is on an anti depressant and has been since I was about 2 years old (I'm 20 now.) She suffered from anxiety disorder and panic attacks, but worked through those problems, and as far back as I can remember she has been mentally healthy.

She also feels that a lot of this has to do with hormones. She got her uterus removed a few years ago and has said that she is going through some sort of pre-menopause because of it. So, I have reason to believe that these changes could be a result of hormonal changes, a mid-life crisis, and/or an extra-marital affair. The problem is getting through these issues, and also dealing with how my father is taking this all. (Which is really what is hurting me the most out of everything. I know my mom is a strong person who can be alone, but I don't feel my father could handle a divorce.)

Hello,

My first thought was menopause. But also there are so many people involved in emotional affairs thesedays since facebook and the other networking sites have cropped up all over the place. And these affairs are bringing back the youth lost.

I really am sorry that you are under such pressure and I'm sorry your poor dad is too. It must make him feel awful.

The drink and drugs are a bit of an issue though. if she's a depressive the best way down is with the worlds two most powerful depressants alcohol and didge. She needs to be warned of that combination, not to mention the possibility of psychosis from the didge too.

I really hope that your mother can find her balance and sort her self out. This isn't just about finding lost youth it's facing her mortality as a human being as well. She's middle aged and she just realised it...we all go through it...I'm loving my middle age...like a fine red wine...I get fruiter by the day...

Rhiannon

You sound like a wonderful young lady and I am very sorry that there are so many changes happening in your life all at once.

Try not to take this the wrong way, but you are FAR too involved in your parent's personal relationship. I fully understand how this affects you, but you are much too informed on things that should remain between your father and your mother. The parent(s) that is including you in this informational loop is doing you a huge disservice. It has changed your relationship with each of your parents permanently, none of this can be "unlearned" and your role in the family has changed dramatically (as you are already seeing by the changes in these relationships).

I know you have everyone's best interest at heart, but the best thing you can do is set up some boundaries. Let your parents know that you don't belong in the middle. Let them know you're concerned and be supportive within your boundaries.

If either of your parents need professional help (and frankly it sounds like they both do at this point) they have to seek it on their own. I would also recommend that you seek some help yourself. It was beyond unfair for your father to bring this to you. I've been married a long time, a few years longer than your parents, if my husband brought our personal problems to any of our children, not only would my trust in him be permanently damaged but I would never respect him again.

I completely agree with this!!!! My parents are my PARENTS - it is so not fair for one or the other (or both in your case) to vent their issues with me, what a rough spot to be in. My mom frequently in the past would do that - I finally told her that's what her therapist is for, that I need to be able to respect both of my parents for their roles in my life and not to be burdened with her unhappiness in my dad's behavior and actions and lack of emotional support and on and on. SHE picked him to be her spouse, for better or worse, I on the other hand had no choice in the matter of who would be my father! Being caught in the middle of my parents' drama has been a nightmare and it took moving 2 states away to finally be able to set boundaries that I can live within. It has helped tremendously.

Once again, thank you for the response. However, I am well aware that I shouldn't be involved in this way. That isn't the problem. But as you said yourself, I can't "unlearn" any of these things. Now I'm in a position where I AM involved and I'm going to do whatever I can to save my family. The biggest issue for me is the fact that I know my mother is acting irrationally. I know that it's quite possible that a few years from now, she may snap out of this mid-life crisis, and I know that it would be such a petty thing to break up our family. Unfortunately, I'm not at a point where I can stay out of it. And honestly, there IS more to it than my parent's relationship. Like I said, this is my mother's mid-life crisis, which has been affecting both me and my brother as well. I don't want to see something like that break up my family. If my dad deserved this, or if my mom had ANY rational argument for leaving my father, I'd be able to justify staying out, but truth is, no one deserves this less than him. One of my greatest fears in life has always been to see my father alone. He doesn't have any close friends and I live far away, so all he'd have is my brother, who is SEVERELY immature for his age. (He has a neurological disorder which leaves him with developing tumors and learning disabilities, among other things.)

But back to your point, a while back, my mother was complaining to me about my father, which is pretty standard stuff in my family, but she was saying how once my brother graduates high school, she was just going to leave him. This REALLY upset me and more out of a way for me to change the subject so I didn't start crying than really believing it, I told her I didn't think I was the person to be talking to that about. Unfortunately, that backfired on me because now she doesn't talk to me about ANYTHING.

I KNOW that it's unfair that my father did this to me. He knows it. But what am I supposed to do when I see him acting completely out of character? NOT ask him how he's doing? NOT listen when he tells me this is the worse he's ever felt about anything in his life? It's bad enough that his wife won't listen and now his daughter won't? I really do appreciate the advice, and honestly, I wish I was strong enough to take it, but I can't look my father in the eyes, see all that hurt, and not be there for him.

Has anybody out there been in a similar situation? With a mother going through a mid-life crisis? How did that affect you? What came out of it?

Hi, I'm sorry you are undergoing all this stress. Sometimes there are underlying issues in marriages and for the sake of the family, people just don't deal with them for years. There is a transition time where the children are almost grown and sometimes people reevaluate their marriages. Many act out and true, hormones can play a part. This time period might last a few years. Some people want to test the waters and see what they're missing (if anything). These are issues the people involved need to work through. Often, they live in a fantasy world for a time and truly don't know their own minds or what they want. When all this drama ensues, it can often be due to the fact the couple had simmering and unresolved issues for years.

I can only say from my own experiences in life, that each individual may want to consider therapy to sort out all their feelings and goals. There is no way to fix someone else's relationship. This has to be done through a process with the individuals involved. I can appreciate you have feelings and fears, but in the end they may choose to stay together. If not, then perhaps they find a new path to eventual happiness. I hope you can find support here. I'm new and trying to find advice for my issues in relationships - I hope we can all offer insights to give us peace of mind. Take care of yourself.

Your mother very well may be acting irrationally, but there really is very little you can do. Just as a child cannot destroy a marriage, neither can he save it. Take care on this path you are travelling.

I do understand your point. I probably am too involved. But that doesn't make me feel any better about the situation. Perhaps I should instead ask, how do I make myself feel better about this right now? And in the future, if the worst thing does happen and my mother leaves my father for another man, how do I cope with such a loss? I'm not sure I could ever forgive my mother for doing something like that, but she has always been so important to me.

I know I need to seek counseling and plan on using the free therapists at my school once I go back at the end of the month. I just plain feel so distraught about this. I'm constantly searching for a way to feel better and nothing is working. Thank you all for your responses and support.

Hang in there and if a counselor will help, then by all means give it a try. I think you might consider your Dad may be more resilient than you think. I know you want to protect him from pain. When we love someone, we don't want them to be in pain or suffer sad times. We are humans and can love or feel pain, we cannot escape that fact.

You never know in the end, if it all turns out differently, he may actually end up a happier person.

We all grieve when things are lost or change - it's an adjustment period. Like animals which shed an old exoskeleton, we can also shed the past and move forward to stronger and happier experiences.

I hope you can take care of your own needs because I truly think your parents are strong enough to find their own path through these rough waters. As a parent myself of adult children, parents want their children to be happy and successful. You can reward your parents and put them at ease if you continue on a path of your own progress. If you are down and worried, they will in turn worry about you. That's not a good cycle to be in. If one can find positive in negative and improve things, then all may be inspired. I still think some therapeutic interventions might help. My best to you.

I would think you would cope by remembering that your mother is your mother. You may not approve of her actions, but she is a human being and makes mistakes. I am not trying to justify or rationalize her actions, but remember you know a lot about what is going on, but I sincerely doubt if you know the whole story.

I completely understand your point of view. It's hard to seperate mom from wife or woman. You're a young woman yourself now. Certainly you can see that if she does leave your father, that relationship is exclusive from yours and hers. Being hurt and angry is normal.