A certain break-up, your thoughts?

Hi, i'm Kira and i would love to ask for some opinions. Me and my boyfriend had been in a 7 month relationship, it may not seem long, but we liked each other for about 11 months and had quite a deep relationship. He had even told me a thousand times he wanted to marry me, wanted to stay with me forever and wanted children with me. But he had made quite some mistakes in the beginning, with some lies, him not standing up for me and it was hard for me to completely get out of it. At that point, more trouble came my way. My health, my studies, my home situation and more.. So i got depressed for about 2 months over it, from all the trouble i had been having.

The only one i showed this to was my boyfriend. Because i secluded myself from everyone, i only wanted to cling on him for support. Seeing that he would be there for me, forever. I had a huge weak moment. Then, the last weekend and 2 days after, it went great. We had a blast, everything came back together, and we were very loving. But then we went to his place, (we both still live with our parents) and he and his father were away for a while. Now, his mother had always treated me badly. So i wanted to talk to her politely, that i didn't feel at home and more. She eventually started calling me a skank in other words, said that my boyfriend absolutely didn't want to be with me anymore and that i was all kinds of trash. Ugh, inlaws.

Then i talked to my boyfriend that night, and he said none of it was true. He didn't want to break-up at all, and he denied everything with an honest look on his face. The coming two days, i was really down. I wanted to seclude myself somewhat, also from his attention, so i kept to myself while he was there. I didn't stop telling him i loved him or anything, but i wasn't happy. I just needed two days or so to heal.. The day after, he was still very loving to me and calling me nicknames and such. Telling me how much he loved me. I was still distant, but i hoped he'd understand. The next day he simply came to my door, emotionless, and told me 'we should put a stop to everything'. He gave me something i left at his place, and he left again. Didn't even want to talk. I was completely baffled.

The next two days, and these days as well, i have been making stupid typical mistakes. I have called him, begged him and pleaded. He didn't want to. He couldn't handle it anymore, he said, but told me he really wanted to be friends later on. He didn't want to contact me or whatever, he wanted time before he could speak to me again. I've sent him mails, but all replied kind of the same. He couldn't handle being with me again, but he really wanted to be friends. Though he did say things like 'My love for you is still really deep, but even though this is the most painful and hard decision of my life, i still think it's the right one'. And when i asked him 'But it would be too hard to be friends.. Wouldn't you have the urge to cuddle and more?' he replied with a 'Of course i would.. *sighs*' So in my point of view.. really strange.

I have more, that happened. But i would like to get your opinion on this before i continue . Thank you!

Hmm, I want to say something helpful. But I am not sure how to put it. I have ALOTof personal experience with this kind of relationship. I push guys away, become cold and distant, followed by a period of wanting to be with them all the time?

From what u share, it sounds like there may be a similar pattern going on here?
I read a book once called The Dance of Anger, and it talked about this "push me, pull me" pattern that can happen in some relationships. You become emotionally hypersensitive after awhile from this stuff, at least I know I do, because the uncertainty kills me. Then my moods and happiness become directly related to whether or not my boyfriend loves me, instead of how I am feeling about myself. As a result, by isolating myself and interracting with just him, all the time, I end up being clingy, needy, etc.

But, when I spread my wings and start making new friends, I get more balanced, have a more neutral perspective, and my entire self-esteem is not based solely on him, which is better I think.

Just remember that you are a special, valid person who's only limits on her potential are the ones you set on yourself. So, if you tell yourself that your boyfriend is the alpha and the omega, then you are limiting your own potential as a human being to grow in a balanced, healthy way.

Someone may love you and still not be with you. It sounds as though he has been repeating that he doesn't want to be in a relationship and he needs time and wants to be just friends. Apparently he does still care but as a couple to him its not working(or whatever his reason for the breakup) you've been asking very specific questions about how he feels and either he is being honest or he's trying to let you down easy. Its hard to let go when you care for someone. Give it some time. Perhaps you will get back together perhaps you will be able to be just friends perhaps you two will just go your own way. Whatever happens was supposed to happen. The opportunities that are opening up to you right now will give you a chance to work through your depression and start finding things you enjoy to do. Accept change happens and most times its for the best.

Hi, Kira, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I think it is always hard when there's a breakup. It sounds like this is your first "real" breakup with this boyfriend?

I think I would not contact him, as he has requested, give him space, and spend the time helping myself. I don't know that it is possible, at the moment, for you to have a very equal relationship with someone. When in relationship one can't do "time outs" like it's a football game; it's a continuous think, like life. You can't just "stop" and turn off stimulation from other people, that's not healthy and the other people can't understand their part of it, it feels like you are trying to control them. I would see if I could get some counselling help to better understand my own feelings and actions so I can be comfortable with myself and not have to take "breaks" when I'm in a relationship.

Hello! Thank you all for responding, i really appreciate it <3. I have more to this though:

I have had some contact with him, from my side. I met him at a busstop once, on accident, and i stepped up to him. The conversation went as followed:
Kira: "Hey!"
Ex: *raises hand sadly*
Kira: "How are you?"
Ex: "hmm.. it's okay" *sad look*
Kira: "Yeah same here, kind of okay" *tries smile and grabs his hand* "You know i very much love you right? You know that".
Ex: *stays silent and gets tears in his eyes*
Kira: *puts hand on his cheek* "Come by tomorrow or something okay? I hope you will".
Ex: "Maybe, i'll see."

He didn't come, but okay. The next while he had been quiet, and i decided to text him something. Asking him if we could have a talk, from adult to adult. The night after he sent me this:

"I've asked you before, and it hurts to ask again but.. Could you let me go my own path, for just a while? I mean, i have a lot on my mind and i have a lot to process, not just our things, also other not so fun stuff.. I'm sorry you need to tell me something so badly but i really can't do this.. Everything around me is falling apart and i just can't handle it right now so please.. Let me be with myself for a moment.."

This mail confuses me. All the 'for now, for a moment, right now" etc. It sounds like he's emotionally confused, needs time for himself, but isn't quite ready to just let go of me. Or well, that's how i know him. I mailed him back that i would be there for him, he could call or whatever if he wanted to. And i hoped he would, just as me, want a break and not a break-up. Because he never responds to that question.

I am going away this weekend, asked him to text me if he liked, because i'm very worried. I am trying to be there for him all the way. What do you guys think about this email and stuff? It sounds like there is some major confusion going on in him, and he just needs to figure it out. And then he'll want to come back..

I know that you are really hoping that he will come back to you .
I had a similar situation.. my ex looked so unhappy when I did see him.. I'd try to be 'happy' around him and keep the conversations light and happy...
Yes my ex was SAD.. but it was more guilt that he was hurting me than anything else.. I had given him the world, the guilt that he felt was overwhelming for him. He didn't love me anymore - not in the way that I wanted but I didn't see that. I saw what I wanted to see - that he was confused, upset and that he didn't really want to not be with me.

Rather than thinking of it as giving him space - give yourself some space to find the REAL you.. settle into your new single life. I know that it is hard, the pain is unbearable but I promise you that you will be a stronger person in the long run for this experience

Hello Kira,

I want to offer you my support. I can't add a single thing to what Belle has written, it is perfect,

Rhiannon