What do you think?

As many of you know I lost someone that I was in a relationship with for over 2 years a couple months ago. I lost her because I was chronically depressed and she couldn't take the emotional roller coaster. And, to top it off she discovered that my own personal "coping mechanism" was sexual encounters. I am confessed to my sins and I am trying to get better and heal mentally and emotionally. Although, I still miss this woman very much.

At any rate I so much needed a friend as I invested ALL my time in my kids, my job and this relationship. I really only had one real close friend and they have kind of gone "deep end" lately because they have their own issues to battle. So, I found myself very isolated and alone.

I reached out to a woman that I used to date about 4 years ago. To my surprise we "connected" again and I have seen her 2-3 times over the past couple of weeks. She is working out of town a lot so I can't see her very often. She is a good friend and I am happy to have someone in my life now. I have been honest with her about my depression and sexual issues.

I am just not sure if it is a good idea to beseeing her right now. On the one hand I want to be with her, she is a lot of fun and has a great outlook on life. On the other hand I know I am not ready for a relationship (and I have told her that). I just don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to be alone.

What do you all think?

You have been open and honest with her. That is a very good thing. Are both of you capable of keeping it at a friendship level? You do need a friend, and if she can be that for you, then that's wonderful. I think you can do it. Especially since you can turn to us here for support whenever you need to. You don't have to struggle alone anymore.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

{{{{{{{vett}}}}}}}}}

I think this may be a great thing for you. Stay open and honest with her as yes you do need a friend. You said she is fun and has a great outlook....that may be just what the doctor ordered....surround yourself with positive people.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Hi ya ltlredvett,

I'm not sure if we have ever spoken before, but found it impossible not to say a few things.

First, I have read your previous posts and thought you were getting some great advice. But what really made me respond this time, I guess, was the admiration I feel for you in how you have grown - in how you have dealt with this. I'm really impressed! For whatever it is worth - I'm very proud of you.

You've been very honest. Maybe not at first, but that was part of it. I think the REAL YOU has always been honest - with yourself and with us. And when you weren't, and you realized it - YOU were the one to admit it - to us all, including yourself. I think it takes a really BIG person to do that. And I think, you've come a long way - and have worked hard to improve your situation. I really have to respect that.

You asked us what we thought - well, I for one believe that there is someone out there for everyone, and you've been upfront and totally honest with this woman.

I think it is great you are seeing someone. Just take it from here and let it go wherever it will - be it as just friends, or something more.

And one thing else ... take this relationship at it's begining, which is now, and let go of the past, as in what happened in other relationships. I guess what I'm trying to say is, people are people and people make mistakes. Please, don't allow previous mistakes to prevent you from developing other relationships.

Your friend Sam (who believes making a mistake is't bad - it's what one does when they make a mistake that determines if it is bad or not)

Anyone can say I love you, but actions speak louder than words.

Vett...

I have some unusual ideas about all of this stuff. So take this with a grain of salt.

It's good you have found a friend you can trust and confide in.

It's good that you confronted your "demons" about the sexual encounters while depressed.

It's a good idea to see if you are being honest with yourself and with her about your motives and need for a friend or someone to confide it. Having fun with someone certainly contributes to your outlook, doesn't it? Combats the depression.

Since she knows you're not ready for a relationship, then maybe it's a good thing to leave things as they are now, to just accept this gift in your life. There's someone there willing to let you lean on them. We all need that from time to time.

Vett,
I am glad you have found a friend to talk to. That is so important. I think as long as you keep it honest and open you can build on a great friendship and in time you can just see what happens. Maybe you are only meant to be friends but best friends make the best partner :O)
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Thanks for all of your responses. I posted this because I was conflicted. On the one hand I really am not ready to be in a relationship right now. Also, it is a bit troubling to me because I still love and miss my ex girlfriend so very much. On the other hand I really do feel so much better when I am with, or talking to this friend. She is so incredibly upbeat and positive and has overcome so much adversity. It is definitely a very good influence on me.

Admittedly the other reason for my "confilct" is that I had dated this woman a while back, just before my second marriage. We had, and still have, incredible chemistry. I am trying so hard to keep this on a friendship level for a lot of reasons. First, I know its weird, especially given my past history, but I still feel connected to my exgirlfriend (if that makes any sense). Second, I know I am not ready for a relationship. I don't want to get caught up in another relationship and I certainly do not want to hurt anyone else.

Just not sure how to handle this. There is just so much electricity between us. And, I know that I shouldn't "go there", as I need to stop focusing so much on the physical. But to be totally honest I see nothing wrong we achieving a healthy balance between mental, emotional and physical needs. I think that part of my motivation for acting out physically was that I found myself in relationships that did not fulfill my physical needs. I always felt that I was the one that was "abnormal". This "friend" that I am seeing, that I used to date, was an exception. Our connection physically was unmatched and we did click emotionally as well. She just had a lot of stuff going on her life and had her own demons to face which I couldn't handle at the time.

At any rate I just know that I am playing with fire here to some extent. I just don't want to get burned and I don't want anyone else to either.

Well,I have decided not to see my friend tonight. I just think that I am "playing with fire" and I am not ready to go there. I still feel way too connected to my exgirlfriend. Just doesn't seem right to me. Hope I am not being foolish.

Well, I just ran into my exgirlfriend (still seems weird to call her that because she is and always willbe more than that to me). The rush of feelings that I have for her rushed through me. I just wanted to reach out and hold her in my arms. It was hurtful because she didn't even acknowledge me.

I need to back off from seeing my old friend, just too many feelings to sort out. And, I think it's best that I do that on my own. I just hope that I am not letting an opportunity slip through my fingers.

Hi vette

I understand why you want to keep your distance with your friend. I think that you should give yourself some credit though ok? You are being open and honest with her and I admire that of you. Don't cut yourself off from a potentially great person to have in your life.

You need people like her in your life...I can see your words being so upbeat when you are talking about her....it is so nice to see. Try to remember that ok?


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

ooops just missed this post {{{{{{{{{{{{{vette}}}}}}}}}}} sorry about that

Was that the first time you saw her since you split up?

hmmmm I am still thinking that you are backing off from a good friend who is in your corner right now. If you are having some doubt...talk to her....let her know what you are feeling right now and see what she says? You won't know until you ask right?


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Heather....

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, that was the first time I had seen her in probably 3 months. And, that is even with working a the same place. I know that she has purposely managed her routine as to avoid me.

It's werid because I know I have been doing better. And, I know I have been more upbeat, especially since I have rediscovered an old friend (well, old lover actually).

I am just so conflicted as to what to do. I don't want to miss out on a friendship that I desparately need right now. But, for some odd reason it feels like "cheating". I mean I know I should move on, and it has been over three months. But, it just doesn't seem like that long.

I don't have any words of advise, but wanted you to know that I believe in you, and that I am in your corner! Warmest regards.

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Vett,

Whatever you choose to do I know you will make the right decision. You seem to have a sense of wisdom about you. I envy that in you.

Just remember that one cannot have too many friends in this world so don't cut loose a friend that could be there for you. And if you choose that path, I think that I speak for everyone here, you will always have us and we will always be here for you.

jac

p.s. i am the engineer of that emotional roller coaster!!!

jac...

I don't have the wisdom that you think I do, otehrwise I would not be in the situation I am in.

vett,

you may not think you have that wisdom but you really do. You are human and are entitled to make mistakes, it's how you learn from those and put them to use. That is why I say you have such great wisdom. Even if things are beyond repair with your ex doesn't mean that it was all your fault--it takes two to make it work and it also takes two to destroy it. Remember--tomorrow is a new day!

Hugs
jac

jac...

Thanks, but I destroyed this single handedly. And, I am paying the price each and every day. I don't know how much more pain and suffering one person can take I swear to God.