my husband's therapist is setting him up with another patient

My husband has been seeing his therapist/social worker for five years for anxiety and ro deal with childhood problems. In the past, she has blown him off at appointments and at one point at the beginning of this year, he fired her; only to go back.

My husband and I have had financial issues, he would not work but would add more bills (and stress) to me. At one point in September, he asked me if I wanted a divorce because of these issues. I told him yes, but we stayed together. We had been getting along better, he even got a job in October.

Recently, he had been spending more time on his computer and less time with me and our daughter. It was not like him. He started doing special favors for his therapist (like fixing her vehicles on his one day off a week, and even taking off of work to fix her vehicle.) I became suspicious and checked his text messages one day and found that his therapist and him were texting each other quite often. His therapist had mentioned another woman's name that I had never heard of in one the text messages and stated that she would be at her office if he wanted to stop and see her. After I read that message, I became curious, so I checked the history on his computer and found that he had been looking her up on the internet. I confronted him about this other woman and he told me that it was child psycologist that works with his therapist and he had only seen her a couple of times in passing. I believed him, but over the next two days his behavior became more bizarre, to the point he would check his email after spending "quality time" with me. So, wanting to get to the bottom of this, I checked his email, which I did not have a password too and found that his therapist was attempting to set them up at her office. I also found out that my husband was planning to leave me, not necessarily for this other woman, but just leave. His therapist also encouraged him not to help with household chores and bills.

But, in these emails I also found that he had lied to his therapist about telling me things and about money. He made it seem like I was money hungry-I am not, I just wanted help with some bills. He also told his therapist that he had told me he was leaving, when he had not, he denied he was leaving.

I am so confused, is my husband a victim of his therapist? She has done other things in the past to come between us and we have argued many times about her.

What should I do?

confusedandhurt501

I am so sorry you are in this position. How very unethical of that therapist to be all in this mess. So unethical! I don't even know what to say other than that I am here if you need someone to talk to.

Is this phone ONLY in your husband's name?? If it's also in your name, I would ask the phone company for the records for the texting -- they may or may not get them for you cause phone companies say that the records are THEIR property, and you'd have to subpoena them from the court. I tried to get phone records before, and I had to have a cop request them. It was a mess.

If you could get proof of what she's doing, you could report her to the Board of Psychology or whatever she is -- and they'd have her license in a heartbeat!! She is NOT ethical at all and in fact she's committing a faux pas -- you don't do that kind of stuff when you're practicing psychology! She's just going to make him worse when things crash for him -- and they will. He'll go over the deep edge.

I'd get myself a good lawyer - and make sure the property settlement is set in stone BEFORE he does it!! Otherwise you'll end up with egg on your face and no place to live. God bless and take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

Your husband is a grown man and I don't think you should blame the so-called "therapist" for his actions. I don't know why you said you were leaving in September and then didn't go but it doesn't sound like this can get "fixed" the way things are now (either with his actions or your snooping through his things and finding such negative/damaging evidence of his lying) and I would encourage you to leave if you can, now that he's working.

Lee--

The phone is completely in my name, I have times of text messages sent to his therapist, but not content...not sure if I want that. I have thought about this for a couple of days and have gathered records together. I thought what she was doing was unethical...it is like my husband is living a double life, from what I understand he is telling me what I want to hear and telling his therapist what she wants to hear. Somewhere along the way, he has lost himself, I worry that he will crash, I just wonder if he will let me help pick up the pieces when he does. As far as having her license taken away, I have records that could probably do that, but I don't want to push the issue until my husband and i can figure out where we are going with our relationship. I don't want to file a complaint behind his back because I know that may hurt him. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your response

Hello, confusedandhurt501. To say you should not blame the therapist because your husband is a grown man is too simplistic. A therapist having sexual relations with a client is an obvious example of unethical conduct. If your husband's therapist is in fact facilitating conduct that would be unethical if she did it seems to be a problem too.

The American Psychological Association's Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct states:

10.05 Sexual Intimacies with Current Therapy Clients/Patients
Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with current therapy clients/patients.

10.06 Sexual Intimacies with Relatives or Significant Others of Current Therapy Clients/Patients
Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with individuals they know to be close relatives, guardians, or significant others of current clients/patients. Psychologists do not terminate therapy to circumvent this standard.

10.07 Therapy with Former Sexual Partners
Psychologists do not accept as therapy clients/patients persons with whom they have engaged in sexual intimacies.

10.08 Sexual Intimacies with Former Therapy Clients/Patients
(a) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients for at least two years after cessation or termination of therapy.
(b) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients even after a two-year interval except in the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such activity after the two years following cessation or termination of therapy and of having no sexual contact with the former client/patient bear the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation, in light of all relevant factors, including (1) the amount of time that has passed since therapy terminated; (2) the nature, duration, and intensity of the therapy; (3) the circumstances of termination; (4) the client's/patient's personal history; (5) the client's/patient's current mental status; (6) the likelihood of adverse impact on the client/patient; and (7) any statements or actions made by the therapist during the course of therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of a posttermination sexual or romantic relationship with the client/patient. (See also Standard 3.05, Multiple Relationships.) http://www.apa.org/ethics/code/index.aspx

3.08 Exploitative Relationships
Psychologists do not exploit persons over whom they have supervisory, evaluative, or other authority such as clients/patients, students, supervisees, research participants, and employees. (See also Standards 3.05, Multiple Relationships; 6.04, Fees and Financial Arrangements; 6.05, Barter with Clients/Patients; 7.07, Sexual Relationships with Students and Supervisees; 10.05, Sexual Intimacies with Current Therapy Clients/Patients; 10.06, Sexual Intimacies with Relatives or Significant Others of Current Therapy Clients/Patients; 10.07, Therapy with Former Sexual Partners; and 10.08, Sexual Intimacies with Former Therapy Clients/Patients.) http://www.apa.org/ethics/code/index.aspx

http://kspope.com/sexiss/sexencyc.php

If in fact there have been ethical violations, the question becomes who has the right to complain? Your husband would if he has been harmed. I do not know what rights if any you may have in these circumstances. My suggestion is for you to contact the board that regulates therapists in your state to find out what recourse you might have.

Life is never simple.

Over the last month and a half, I have learned many things about my relationship with my husband. I have learned alot about him. I have found that he is able to lie to me, repeatedly, and not feel bad. I found out that a year ago he was emailing an ex girlfriend. When he asked his therapist if he should tell me, she said no. My husband has not had an appointment with his therapist since my last post. But, today is his first real appointment. At the beginning of the week, his therapist had him fix another problem with her car. She practically yelled at him because he did not respond to her text messages in a timely manner. I am not sure where our relationship will go from here, or even where I want it to go. I know I love him. But I don't know how long I can be okay with him seeing this therapist after everything she has done to hurt our relationship. She has truly done nothing to help. My husband continues to have anxiety, he continues to be dependent on her and her opinions. I don't know what to do. I feel so insecure in our relationship, like at any point he could leave or do something dishonest. I dont trust him and don't know if I ever truly will again.

I am still...confused and hurt!

While your husbands behaviour is not totally excusable (he is a grown man) I see severe manipulation on her part. She has gotten him to trust her and she is driving a wedge. Your husband needs a therapist who can make him independant, not dependant.

I would recommend seekign the advice of another therapist, who may know what avenues you could take to dealing with this house wreaker and other ways to approch your husband in a way that is trusting and allows him to rely on you instead of her.

Best of luck

No matter what I do to try to mend my broken heart, I end up helping his therapist drive the wedge separating us. I do have an appointment for therapy in two weeks, I am hoping then I can find ways to cope with my feelings, mistrust, and get professional advice regarding my husband's therapist.

She sounds like a crappy therapist. I wouldn't trust her any farther than I could throw her. I have never heard of a T texting her patients and asking for help with her car. I've never even spoken to my T outside the office. Even if we see each other outside we agreed to not acknowledge the other person to not have questions coming from either side (like if I were with my bf or him with his wife). That is confidential stuff that needs to stay in that trusted relationship.

She does sound very manipulative. I only hope she doesn't do this with every patient she has. It really sounds like they have their own relationship! I wouldn't put up with this anymore. If he doesn't see your point when you present the facts to him (their texting, her telling him to flat out lie to you, him going over to fix her car) then he obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

Things sound beyond the point of being fixed. I would consult an attorney asap.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

So, my husband had his appointment with his therapist last week. He knows how insecure I felt about him going because she was pressuring him to leave me. He told me that I was not discussed. That what is between us is between us. A couple of days later, I found an email between him and his therapist. He was telling the therapist what kind of medication I was on and about a conversation that we had about him being dishonest (what he wrote was only half true...he added things to make it seem like he was doing what his therapist would have wanted him to do). The therapist replied with a description of my medication and telling him how proud she is of him. I did not tell him I read the email, but he knew because he changed his password. The next day, he told me that there is no such thing as a bad decision. If you are doing what you feel is right, then it should not matter who's feelings are hurt as long as you are happy. Is this just an excuse for everytime he has ever lied to me? Was this something his therapist came up with? Why does he have to lie to me about talking about me at therapy? All I want is the truth.

I want so bad to trust him and leave this all behind us. I asked him if he wanted to go to marriage counseling and he agreed. I think we have a serious issue with communication. I don't know what to think anymore. He tells me that he loves me then he lies to me. But, on the same hand he lies to his therapist also--well, exagerates conversations....sometimes to the extreme. Is there something wrong with him? Is there a possibility he doesn't even realize he's lying?

And, to top it all off, today is Valentine's Day and I am left wondering if the man that says he loves me actually does.

I'm still confused and hurt.

A therapist NEVER tells a client what to do.........this is a bad therapist. I would find one for yourself...yesterday.

I will be seeing a therapist for the first time next Tuesday, it took me two months to get an appointment...it has been a very long too months to say the least.

Suggestion: ask if you can come to one of his therapy sessions with him, to his current therapist. Not necessarily marriage counseling, but sort-of. See what he says.

Don't confront the therapist really, but see if you can get some sort of explanation as to what the hell is going on.

From what you've said, I think the therapist needs to be reported to the appropriate agency. What if she's doing this crap to all her clients?

I went to a psychologist once who asked very detailed and personal questions about my sex life and just kept asking and asking and asking even when I was extremely uncomfortable. This was on our 2nd visit - we had not established a relationship yet. I took it as sexual harrassment. I tried to report him but never found the right agency.

wow....every time I read a new post from you it makes me want to punch both your husband, and his therapist, right in the teeth. These people sound like their in cahoots together and, frankly, not trustworthy at all.

YES there are such things as bad decisions. My being handcuffed in the back of a cop car at 14 told me that. Sure, it made me happy but I went to JAIL. And seeing my friends get black out drunk and go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning....these are examples of bad decisions. He sounds delusional and manipulated. Seriously....I would go with Yoda and say attorney is the next step. I wouldn't even bother with him, or her, anymore.

Here's a thought....

If the phone is in your name, and if you are paying the bill....

SHUT IT OFF!!! Cancel his phone line and stop enabling him with this unhealthy, un-therapeutic relationship. This will put him in the position to have to get his own phone and pay for it, at least, if he wants to be able to communicate with this so called therapist.

One important lesson I have learned, and am still learning, in my recovery is that I cannot control someone else's behavior. I can only control and master my own. I used to hate hearing that, but the further I get into treatment the more I know it's the truth!!

I think it's good that you are getting your own therapy. It will help you come to terms with where the relationship stands and help you move forward in a healthier way, as opposed to being stuck in an unhealthy and dead-end relationship. Your husband is making it quite clear that you are no longer his focus.

Take your power back. Make yourself the priority!!

Hi there, I'm sorry you are going through all of this! The therapist sounds like an unprofessional twit! It seems that she enjoys manipulating vulnerable people and for a medical professional that is unacceptable. Can you report her for crossing personal lines? About your husband, can you leave him? It seems useless to be married to someone who treats you with disregard and disrespect. All of his actions are disrespectful of your feelings and your marriage. I don't believe he is a victim of his therapist but he is not using sound judgment as far as your relationship with him goes. Just because he has issues doesn't mean its OK for him to act like that with you.

Also, what kind of a father is he? Does your daughter have a good relationship with him?

I can't tell you what to do but I can say this, no one deserves to have to deal with this kind of mess and I think therapy is not helping. Try to leave and just focus on raising a healthy daughter. As she observes how your husband treats you she might fall into the same pattern of letting men treat her like that so I say think about your daughter first and decide then what the best course of action would be for her and you. Good luck.

Your husband sounds to me like a highly manipulative man. A charming manipulator. I think he may have charmed his t in the same way he has done with other women in his life. A narcicist who needs his ego rubbed.

I would not blame his t. He is responsible. His behaviour is ugly and pathetic.
As for you - try to gather your strength and look after yourself. Develop yourself with no relation to him. Have activities and interestd. It will be good for you. And i suspect he will come running. And stop reading his stuff. It only damages. Who cares
At this point - look after who matters - you. Hugs xxx

I have stopped reading his stuff. I realized that I was only get hurt--making my wound deeper. I have started doing things that make me happy, and i think he has noticed. I feel healthier and stronger now than i have ever been before. I look forward to what the future holds for me and my family. I don't know if my husband and I will be together in a year, but I know I will be a stronger person no matter what.

That is good. I m glad to read. Keep up the good work.

Just a little update, I told my husband how I felt about his therapist and their "relationship". I told him that I thought their relationship was inappropriate, that he was manipulated into fixing her car and that I felt like she was at the root (maybe not the cause...but added fuel to the flame) of all of our recent problems. It took him a few days, but this morning he let me know that he will no longer be seeing his therapist. He told me that he doesn't understand why he did not listen to me sooner when I told him he was being manipulated. He also said that everytime he would tell her that he was done seeing her, she would push the topic of our relationship and tell him that as soon as he would separate himself from our relationship the better he would feel, that he did not want to stop seeing her that he needed to end our relationship. I told him that I did not see a problem with seeing a therapist (I will be seeing one in a few days) but she was not the right therapist for him.

We have decided to work on our relationship. We are going to relax and start communicating with each other instead of holding things in. It may take time, but I hope that we can work through all of this and live the rest of lives together.

Good luck, confusedandhurt501.

I'm so happy to hear that! Sounds like maybe he has had a wake up call. I'm glad you guys were able to have an open, honest conversation. I hope this is sincere, genuine and long lasting. Congrats on making this breakthrough and I hope everything works out for the best!!!!

Just remember to "forgive but don't forget".. I know you want to just put all of this behind you but please keep your eyes open... just talking from experience..