think aj will be told to leave, maybe

I just talked to AJ's dad and he is soo upset. He said he couldn't sleep last night. He said he was fixing the house for AJ to have a home to get married and have a family. He said he is killing himself for what?? He said AJ never calls him to see how he is or even ask what he can do to help him. He said the only time AJ calls is when he wants something. He said is fed up.. He also said he is going to tell the 2 renters to leave and rent the upstairs to a family. Nobody has paid their rent yet this month. He said he did everything wrong..and if AJ wants to party and drink let him go live with his friends or wherever. He said he won't do it anymore. ....He is coming over tonight and talk again to AJ and to the one renter. And then call the other renter to come get his "stuff". He has only been paying a portion of the rent since he moved with his parents. And he pays when he feels like it so AJ's dad wants him to leave too.....................

When AJ's dad saw the damage from AJ's rage, especially the new toaster oven, he lost it. He works hard, long hours, and to see it thrown away/damaged made him sick.....He thought he was doing a good thing trying to help AJ get a good start in life and it all backfired.. Even I thought I was doing a good thing by doing the work around here to improve the house...We both wanted AJ to have this house to have a life and a family.... Not destroy and drink his life away......I feel bad for AJ's dad as he feels like he has failed when all he wanted to do was help.....So there is no turning back now... He said he'd call the police if AJ didn't leave........

What a sick, sinking feeling it is to watch someone you love waste their life! I told AJ's dad we are doing the right thing and that I am behind him all the way. It still hurts. But "progress" can be painful. But in the long run, hopefully well worth it.......

I don't have much more to say..

Not that this is of importance, I just wanted to say to please overlook all the "spelling errors" and all other errors, which are many, as my fingers were typing faster than my brain. Is embarrassing seeing so many errors.But then I am not the "smartest rock in the box" either ... shrugs shoulders

Hello, radio_flyer. The emotions are raw now. I hope some good comes of this for all concerned.

ty Byz... I don't know why the tears are flowing...they won't stop... :*(

((((( radio_flyer )))))

(((((radio flyer))) - I'm sorry it's a painful and emotional time for you. It's good you and your ex are on the same page. You're such a nice lady and you don't deserve to be in this postion. It's time for A.J. to go on his own - hopefully it will make a man out of him. I don't think he truly appreciates all that you and your ex have done - he's slacking off.

I feel sorry because just a while back you were so proud of the painting you did. It's not fair that he ruins what you work so hard to fix. The mother bird has to push her babies out of the nest at some point - yes it's a tough thing to do, but necessary for him to survive and take some responsibility.

It would be good when you're feeling stronger, to look at why you've held on for this long? A.J can't take advantage unless you both let him - which means you also need to look inward. It's going to be okay and you deserve peace and stability.

ty Byz and Lynn... thinking back, the happiest time for me was when aj's dad and I had nothing. We lived in this horrible apartment and we both worked. I was happy even in the nasty apartment. THen we moved to a nicer apartment and I was delighted. Wasn't fancy but very comfy. Apartment building was only three levels and we lived on the top floor.. I loved it there. Again we were both working, but at that time working together... Then we moved to an ok townhouse. I hated it there. Then we bought our first house, which was ok I guess. the house was very nice but we were not on the same page or lacked the working together.. THen we bought a beautiful house. We were happy for awhile but we again were no t on the same page. Seems the more material things we accumulated, the less happy I became... Either I was stupid, or I needed emotional connection... Think more imporant than "material things" would be an emotional connection and working together.... So I guess having nothing and feeling cared for was more important than an expensive sofa...

Gosh we used to go to the furniture stores and go to the back room where the damaged furniture was and get these great deals. A table had a small scratch on it and we would get it practically for nothing... All our furniture came from the damaged furniture area.. And we were so proud and happy... Then the new, expensive things came, but we were by then lacking "connection...I wasn't happy. shrugs shoulders...

I understand exactly what you said (((radio flyer))). Living simply with a strong emotional connection is way better than a huge house/material things and an empty heart.

Lynn posted this "It would be good when you're feeling stronger, to look at why you've held on for this long? A.J can't take advantage unless you both let him - which means you also need to look inward" And I pm'd her, not sure why I pm'd because I prefer the forums rather than pm's, but anyway I pm'd her because I did not understand what she meant by "inward work". Her response got me to thinking it would be a good idea to bring it to this thread and maybe I could learn some things about me, from others that might decide to add their opinions...to maybe better understand "me"...

I guess keeping it all in this thread is good because it is about me, AJ and his dad...Mostly about AJ.. But then AJ's dad and I are also part of the picture....

SO I will start with understanding "inner work"... I agree there are always two sides to any story and I am concerned as to what have I contributed to this picture.....? ANY suggestions on "inner work" and how I can see or learn how I am part of this picture??

Oh.. I talked to AJ this afternoon. When he is "sober" he is delightful to be around. Even his friends hate being around him when he is drunk, esp when he drinks the "hard stuff" because he acts like such a jerk.. ANY way AJ said he thought I was cooking for the "renter" and not him, which isn't true. But the ending of the conversation he said he was mad ther "renter" drank all the milk...

OK my normal self I have no problem with giving food to anyone that is hungry. BUt I've been taken advantage of many times and this time, I did not offer food to the new "renter". I told the new renter if we all contributed to buying food, then everything would be up for grabs.. Well the renter doesn't buy food, laundry detergent, or anything. He didn't pay his rent, as his parents are sending the rent money. He is 25 and works two jobs. So what he does with his money I don't know. So the issue is he drinks all of AJ's milk.. AJ was really mad at the renter, and he took he anger out on me because he "thought" I was giving his "milk" to the renter>>>> soooooooooo OK, I understand "bad times".. but I also understand give and take... If it is all give it ends in being taken advantage of.....

For some reason I feel I am going way off target here.......Not sure how this fits in the picture ..

This was a stupid idea Sorry... So much going on the home front I don't know if I'm coming or going... Aj's dad told the 2 renters to move out. And he is working on AJ's moving........ sooooo I'm gonna lay low and hushhhh and chill and fret and all that stuff quietly .. So forget about the post above this one...... To be honest when I even see this thread my stomach gets all tied in knots as I can't believe all of this is happening.

Thanks everyone for yor support...... I will be just a laying low for awhile... Is what I need to do for now...to take care of me...

I'm sorry to hear u have to go through soo much.. well u r a good soul to still bear him..
Hope he gets to his senses a little and realize he's wrong.. Tkcr.. wish things get better for u..

I think it would be best to wait until things calm down ((radio flyer)) and that's why I said "when things calm down you can, look into why you/ex are still involved with A.J. even though he's 30".

Just to clarify a bit - I don't think A.J.'s outburst are anyones fault or your fault. I was talking more in relation to why A.J's not more independant at this stage in his life. You're not in any bad.....if anything you're just too nice.

Sometimes I'm a little too intuitive and sense things before others realize it themselves. I didn't mean to open up a can of worms lol. As I said before, now isn't the time to analyze and disect why this situation is happening. It's very stressful living with renters and that's another contribution to you and A.J.'s stresses. I hope everything works out okay for all concerned.

It does sound like AJ's Dad is handling everything. The fact that AJ is 30 years old and refuses to get help for his alcoholism or control over his anger is the reason he is leaving.
Tough love is best..hard to do. Very hard, as we are dealing with my troubled grandson right now. I am so glad I am not his mother.

Thanks Lynn...You didn't do anything wrong, I have no idea what I was thinking when I jumped into writing that post about bringing it here.. Guess my brain frazzled.

AJ's dad was here talking to me about AJ. Saying his friend who is a doctor had the same problem with their son. He said his friend gave his son $1,000, walked him to the car, gave him the key and told him to leave. A year later, the young man is working, going to school and making top grades. I told AJ's dad I am behind him, but the tears started. He looked shocked. lol.. I said I know what you are doing is right, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am soo way too sensitive.

Then the young man that is renting a bedroom came down to the kitchen. He was shoving cookie dough in his mouth and his hand was shaking.. He looked hungry so I offered him soup and bread which he gobbled up in no time. Turned out the restaurant he was working at took most of his shifts away and he was only working two or three shifts a week. So he found another job which starts Sunday..I told him he should have said something to me or Aj's dad.. I thought he was still work 6 days a week and spending his money on drugs. He said he doesn't do drugs... I don't know anymore who is "honorable" or who isn't anymore. Who to trust, who not to trust or believe.. I just felt bad he was hungry and I fed him......

Am thinking too much again... off to being hush

huggggggggggs

Don't know why this is so hard on me.. I worry about everyone but me. I am also concerned about the renter that has to leave. I feel the same about the renter as I do AJ...

When I was younger I always worked. I started working at 15.. I never once felt working was a bad thing. I wanted to work.. In fact I enjoyed working. But things were different in the 70s. Jobs were always around the corner. Few times I even worked two jobs...I don't get it why my feelings are all messed up now. I want AJ to work. I hate seeing him do "nothing" all day..Is a good thing he is leaving...

(((radio flyer)))) - big hugs to you at this difficult time. Kudos to you and your ex for the way you communicate so well.

This is tough love. You aren't *too* sensitive, you are sensitive. We love our children and don't want them to hurt. But not growing up and staying dependent does hurt, and that's evident in his outrages.
The doctor who clearly set the boundaries about how things were going to be from that minute on, gave his son the gift of freedom. The son is no longer trapped and stagnant as a dependent adult - he has been set free to learn what he needs to learn to make his life feel fulfilling and worthwhile.

We don't abandon them, although it can feel that way at first, and that feeling can make many parents back down from what they know will bring the results all desire. When we tell them, your dependent childhood is now over, and here is how it's going to be from now on, we are loving them and encouraging them.

They are relieved even if they try to win a return to the symbolic womb by holding on to the raging a while longer; it's to be expected as part of the trasition and acceptance. What they may not voice for a long time, is that they are relieved. They are relieved like a small child who is SO tired and is cranky and miserable, and only wishes for someone to put them to bed, to make that decision that they cannot make themselves.

The gift to go live an independent life, to learn the joy of working, achieving, learning, growing, having friends... is a gift given with love and is a gift of love.

Thank you very much Echoes... I don't know what to say other than I feel "strength" in your words.. Wonderful wisdom too... Thank you so much for posting this...

(((radio_flyer))) I am paying it forward. Someone helped me when I was in the place where you are and I might not have had the courage to do what I needed to do without that support that included new or other ways of looking and thinking about things.