think aj will be told to leave, maybe

He just flipped out again.. came down stairs, threw something at the wall and made a hole in the wall. banged the refrig door and stuff came flying out and some stuff is broke. he threw a pot and dented the new toaster oven and water also covers the counter top.. and food all over the place
he kicked a hole in the air cleaner... keeps telling me to die... and a bunch of other stuff..

he is of course drunk.. said i didn't cook for him that i cook for the renter which isn't true. I didn't cook today because i am sick.. i told aj i'd cook him something but he refused said he was driving drunk to go get food which he did....

wow what a night huh... i kept trying to call aj's dad but he is sleeping...and didn't answer the phone. i went outside and aj locked me out... guess he let me back in to clean the stuff he broke... shrugs shoulders.

i was scared.. but don't feel anything..now...wow he kept telling me to die..that i was a fking c t..wow... drunk and hungry don't mix. huh

oh well... huh... am sure his dad is gonna be real mad .. not that aj was threating me, but the new toaster oven is dented on the side. he just bought it the other day because he didn't want us making toast in the regular aoven.. \

guess i be off to bed... thinking aj is going to be told to leave...we will see

oh.
I feel for you alot.
Its a scary , scary place to be. Keep yourself safe. This brought up alot for me. My ex was abusive and violent towards me and the children when drunk. I wont to tell you to run and dont stop. But tthat might not be the advice for you. Please protect yourself whatever you do.

Poor Radio. That's not OK. When you tell him leave, make sure 1) you are not alone. 2)you have a plan o how to get help quickly during the next days and weeks afterwards, in case he gets drunks and decides to come back and insist on his "rights". 3) That any contact with him is handled by someone else for a while. Those are just my suggestions for now. Do you have any one you can talk to? Any one you can go to in an emergency? It's so hard when someone you love does these things, dear, but i'm so glad that you see that letting them continue isn't hlping either of you. hUGGGGSSSSS

Sorry about this, radio_flyer.

I wonder what it is called when folks accuse one of doing things they didn't do. Like AJ said I cooked for the renter, which isn't true. I did not cook for the renter or anyone. All I made was an egg sandwich today... Then a guy I dated when in my 20s was also a "drunk" accused me with sleeping with the neighbor. He chased me with a big board, guess i ran pretty fast in those days...I wasn't sleeping with the neighbor. I am not into "sex" that much to have been running about looking for more..

Why when I said I'd cook him something he gave me the "birdie". I would have made him something to eat even at 3am when all of this started.. I dunno guess I bring the worst out of folks. Thinks I need to move to the "jungle" and live with the animals.. that would be soo cool

((((radio flyer))) - so sorry this is happening. Everyone in the house are adults and you're not obligated to cook for any of them unless you feel like it.

(((Radioflyer)))

If he intends to spend the rest of his life under your roof, he needs to follow your rules. You are his Mother, not his servant or punching bag. He's a grown man who needs to step out from under your wing. You are no longer his "caregiver," and he's no longer your "little boy." If he's hungry - he should know by now where to find food. If he or his room are dirty, he should know by now how to clean himself up.

What he said to you is inexcusable in my book. He has NO RIGHT to frighten you in your own home - even if it belongs to him too. An attitude like that won't get him very far in the real world - but maybe a little time out in the real world might give him a little more humility. Maybe then he will understand what you've been trying to teach him. Maybe then he will treat you with respect...maybe.

I don't want anything to happen to you. Please be safe. My hopes and prayers are with you.

His dad called at Noon and asked what happened. He didn't seem too concerned until I said there is a hole in the wall and that AJ kicked in the air cleaner. He said don't say anymore that what i am sayen is maken him feel sick and that he'd be over tonite to talk to AJ....

When he sees that the thingie on the inside of the freezer door one can put stuff is broken and the dent in the side of the new toaster oven and maybe the hole in the wall, he is gonna flip.. All these men flippen about gives me the tummy ache for sure. The reason he is gonna be a flippen out is because he is 61 years olds, works 6 days a week, and when he sees stuff that he works so hard to pay for, broken, he like gets mad. AM thinking AJ pushed the limits this time and well i dunno what is gonna happen tonight, but am thinking i will stay in my bedroom till the storm clears.

Don't know what the deal with the renter is. AJ screamed that the renter is my boyfriend, .and that i cook for him... Why he would say such stuff is beyond me. you got to be kidden, my boyfriend... guess it is clear with such silly comments how booze distorts one's thinking....... Other than maybe because the renter is bigger than him and doesn't take anything from AJ. Renter is like 6'2, close to 300 pounds, i dunno maybe less weight, but anyway he towers over AJ and is stronger than AJ.. maybe i am wrong.. i dunno.. don't really care cuz i need to get some more sleep... yawns... all of this going on and i think i am catching the flu.. yawns

I think you and your ex are being taken advantage of IMO. If your ex works 6 days a week - doesn't sound fair. Does A.J. have a job - I think he needs to learn how to survive on his own - pay his own bills, cook his own meals and do his laundry. Hugs to you (((radio flyer))). I feel bad for saying what I said because I don't want to hurt your feelings - but I know you don't deserve to be treated this way.

KathyM. thank you........... is too late i think for aj to ever have respect for me.... although this isn't an excuse for his behavior, he started venting at me after he started ther apy when he was in the 6th grade. he kicked a hole in his bedroom door and it was all jagged and i was worried someone would get hurt, so i took the door down and the therapists kept telling me to get another door up because AJ needed his "PRIVACY". and when i told them he was getting out of control venting and screaming at me the ther apist said that it was normal and that he was venting at me because he knows i won't leave him .... so 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th grade he got pretty out of hand... thinking now what was the purpose for his therapy when the Ts were like helping with "nothing" and AJ got so out of hand when in the l1th grade i sent him to live with his dad///// seems the ther apists gave him a license to vent... is awfu wht aj said to me..........am too tired right now to think so off to bed i go

lynn , aj does not have a job.. he fixes computers on the side for "spending" money.... Aj's dad's sister has a friend has been waiting for AJ resume because he is trying to get him a job when he works....he has been waiting a few weeks now.. embarrassing aj's dad cuz the guy said it seems aj doesn't want a job??

no aj doesn't have a job....aj is 30 years old.....

Is ok... you didn't hurt my feelings... i don't do his laundry... i don't clean upstairs. and I don't cook everyday....sometimes it will be days that i see aj so i don't always cook ... i did make a abig pot of chicken soup which even AJ's dad said was delicious and he doesnt even like soup lol... i also made s paghetti.. just didn't cook saturday or sunday because i'm not feeling all that great with all the coughing, sneezen and acky body.. lol

aj's dad is not all that happy when i told him what happened. so when he comes over tonight am sure aj will get an earful. just know his dad is pretty mad

((Radioflyer))

I hope AJ's father will be able to help talk some sense into him. I know very well those turbulent teenage years. You did the best you could with what you had, and so did his dad. If his problems stem from something you did or did not do back then, it's a moot point by now. Let HIM try living on his own, supporting himself while raising an unruly teenager. See how well HE does.

If he really wants to prove to the world (and you) he has some "cojones," he will do so without causing any harm. He can start with the basics, like respecting his parents and house rules - along with taking responsibility for his station in life.

He'll never be able to call himself a man or find his own path in life if he sits around waiting for a helping hand to guide him along. If he continues to lash out in anger, the only hand that will be reaching out to him will be the police. If he can't respect you and your rules, how well would he fare in a prison environment? He has a choice now to take a good path in life. A pathway to prison doesn't sound like a good path - especially for a man who wants to be free.

hes thirty. He does not have any right to abuse u. He should be living on his own. He should be looking after you. i still maintain, keep yourself safe! I think you need to speak to someome who deals with family violence.

aj's dad just left. he didn't get mad until he saw the toaster oven. he said what happened to this and i said aj threw a pot of water at it and dent the side. and his dad looked at me and said this is brand new. what the "hail" does aj do for us. he looked at the hole in the wall and the broken air cleaner.... he said i'm working and paying for everything and aj does this...i didn't show him inside the refrigerater where the shelves on the side door are broken.....

aj wasn't home as he went out i am sure to drink. is snowing now and icy outside. not good conditions for anyone to be out let alone drinking. praying aj doesn't do anything "stupid" tonight.....i worry ... am more afriad for aj than i am for myself.... just pray he stays safe......

his dad left a note in his room saying that he has to leave......by the end of this month.....see what happens.....going back to bed... am still sleepy

i duno if this has anything to do with the way aj has been acting or not. But when he took those classes at Strayer, using some of the credits from George Masion University, he would have earned a degree. Not a CS degree but some kind of degree and then when he finished the classes at GMU he would have earned his CS degree. In other words he would have earned 2 degrees.........

so... when he finished his classes at strayer he never contacted the instructor for his final grade. seems the instructor/professor never got the project aj said he sent via email...so he gave aj a F final grade... AJ said he can prove he sent the project in "on time" and the professor was checking into it... maybe there is still a problem with aj getting a passing grade... think it was last fall or winter when he took the class. aj carries a 4.0 gpa at Strayer and was so sure he passed.. i mentioned to him when he finished the class to call for his final grade.....he said he passed and didn't need to call. so maybe it is a year maybe half a year that he discovers he gott a F for failure to turn in project that was required....... if he could't prove or the teacher won't give him a grade that means $3,000 down the tube and no degree for his resume... that he needed to get this goverment job his dad's sister's friend is trying to get him....

soooo long huh .. so sorry...... soo sorry just soo sorry for everything.......my typing sticks or is it my thoughts. i write like a hillbilly....hope nobody reads this...

AJ is angry. You are a convenient target for that. My guess is that AJ is angry at himself and wishes for an independent life. Part of the reason he directs his anger toward you is that the anger is about being dependent at age 30.

Therapists who tell a 6th grader that venting is okay, versus feeling anger and how to manage that, aren't very helpful therpists. Of course a 6th grader has normal anger that is part of the separation that begins to take place at that age. Something happened and that didn't progress. Now he is not in 6th grade, but still dependent and wishes for a full life that includes being independent. Independence gives a person self-esteem and pride.

Raging and threatening and damaging property at age 30 isn't healthy. It isn't 6th grade venting. It's a dramatic exclamation of frustrtation and unhappiness of the independent life he's being kept from. He needs dramatic intervention to make that happen. Before it is too late to be achieved.

thank you Echoes.... Very wise post..... I do pray it is not too late..

I am not sure he is "wishing" for an independent life. I think he is spoiled and is making excuses for not finding that independence. He isn't trying... The house wasn't meant for him to be dependent. It was meant to be a foundation for his future. He hasn't made any effort to be self sufficient.

I worry tho.....and the head is pounding....guess with AJ's dad getting involved, maybe something good will come out of all of this. Meaning that AJ needs to move on... We have done all that we can do.........Is AJ's turn to take the driver's seat...
huggs

And to top it off he doesn't even take care of the house that he has been given the priviledge to live in... His friends throw their beer bottles/cans in the f ront yard. The front yard is their ash try. I even put a large flower pot with dirt in it and asked them to put the cigarette butts in the flower pot and not in the yard or driveway. The yard is full of cigarette butts.. I stopped picking them up....

The inside where one lives isn't even being taken care of.. Garage is packed with renter's junk, which when the weather clears I am getting rid of the junk.. Trash in the front yard I stopped picking up, even the broken glass of beer bottles in the driveway and yard are still there...... heck he doesn't even put his trash bags in the trash can and he just tosses the full bags on the front stoop... He isn't even trying to be independent and he sure isn't trying to take care of his home..........

Moral to this is don't give. We gave and it was a mistake

Talk about anger... His dad and I are both angry with AJ... We are the ones that should be raging and showing AJ the door... We all agree he needs to find his independence and not at our e xpense..

Now we just have to "follow through"... and close the doors....... free ride is over...

Just adding this... AJ just got home.. He tossed some trash downstairs and hollered ... "you called my dad you b***h, now i have 30 days to move"...

Sometimes when one is about to lose something they start appreciating things more. Maybe he will stop being angry at the world and start getting productive, which is what we all want from AJ....I think anger management would be very helpful for him too. Maybe I can encourage him when things cool down to seek out a T...Maybe this time he might be lucky and find a T than can be helpful

You shouldn't live like this...you deserve peace. Tough love takes courage but he needs to leave home...before he totally destroys it.
I forget, how old is he?

i hope you are not backing down here. your son does need to leave your home. you have endured enough from him and you need to stick to the plan. he will thank you some day in the future as he will now have to find his own way and grow up. please allow him to do that by having him leave.

He is 30.. This was supost to be his "starter home". I was to be only until he got on his feet, as in, finding a job, so that he could take over. My job here, which I wanted to do, was help fix up the house and do yard work. But the wall he put a hole in is one of the walls I've just painted in the basment. He also half broke the frame to his bedroom door from slamming the door when he gets mad. The doors and frames upstairs are only a year old. The old doors were a mess so I mentioned to AJ's dad how ugly they were and he replaced all the doors n frames upstairs. Cost more to put the frames up than buying the doors n frames.

Don't know why i mentioned all of that. Not sure it is important. I do need some "peace" . Enough is enough. It is starting to wear and tear on my health.. I feel and look awful...time to get tough, I agree. I honestly can't it anymore. I just know I was out on my ears when I was l6 and with child at that. Nobody put up with me, but then I never acted out or expected anyone to put up with me...

Radio, that this is tearing you up and wearing down your self confidence is clear from what you are saying. you don't have to apologize for how you are writing. You don't have to run yourself down to us. That's the years of living with men like AJ talking. He can't even own up to his own bullying and smashing things up to being the reason to your calling his dad. What does he think? That you are supposed to sit and take it and be afraid of him. That that is the natural way of things in his head.

I'm sorry that I am being harsh, dear, but his behavior has me mad enough to eat tacks and spit nails right now. You get help to deal with someone bigger than you and now you are a b%&/? Please make sure that you can get someone who can help you if gets violent, be there very quickly if need be. Keep a cell on you if need be with that person's number on speed dial. Change the locks when he leaves. Right now, he thinks with the alcohol, not his brain. Dear Radio flyer, be safe. HUGGGGSSSSS

Bloom.. the plan is for him to leave. And I agree, it is for his own good. He has to learn life isn't a big party... I am not backing down.. And I doubt his dad will back down. His dad and I have done all we can.. Is AJ's turn... I am just so tired and his dad is so tired and AJ is the one partying and sleeping and raging.. I honestly believe AJ will be a much happier person when he earns his own way..

lonegael.. You aren't being harsh.. You are being "honest" and straight to the point, which is a good thing. I am at the place where I can hear the truth... and I appreciate the truth being said..

I think the only time he flips out is when he is drinking. And I do keep my cell phone close by. He has till the end of the month to leave so he will still be here. I am downstairs he is upstairs and a door separates us. I don't see him everyday. I rarely if ever venture upstairs. Although he does come down stairs to eat.

I am safe, so be assured I am ok... AM just tired from the stress and his rages towards me which can be scary. I did go outside to get away from him when he was flipping out and he locked the door on me.. Next time will remember to wear a coat.. ooooo it was so cold at 3am... but he unlocked the door after a few minutes... When someone is as "crazed" as AJ was the other night, I know to not even to whisper a word, and I know to remove myself from his presence..which I did,

huggggs and thank you for all of your support.. i really do appreciate it... I also appreciate everyone that has responded... is helping me to stay strong and not withdrawl.. thank you everyone...