[QUEEN OF WANDS]

today my boyfriend was very aggitated and started treating me very badly,,he then started a fight and and left..(we live seperately)..but calling me and arguing over the phone..after a few times of answering the phone,,i decided to not answer and shut the ringer off..about an hour later he burst into my apartment in a rage and started screaming and i told him he really had to go,the baby was getting upset..he would not and started to scare me ..i went to the front door with the baby and he freaked out..he had a look in his eyes and he grabbed my throat very hard and squeezed it till i was about to pass out,,i had never had that much fear before of him,and telling me he was going to kill me..when he let me go he grabbed me and pushed me into the bedroom while telling me again..i begged him to stop and he finally did...he then went into the other room and started crying ,,first blaming me then telling me he is sorry..he spent the last 3 hours begging me and telling me it will never happen again..this is the 3rd time he has physically assaulted me in one year,,the first 2 were not very bad but fearful..i told him he really needed to get some help and i wanted out..he would not take that..he wants me to let him get some anger management..assaulting me with words and intimidation has happened the whole relationship,,it has been a nightmare relationship,,but i think statistics show that it will only get worse..he told me about his history of abuse with his exes and that he had learned to control it for the last 11 years(well the physical part)..we have been together for 4 1/2 years..IS he really sorry,,i told him to go to the hospital,,but they have dealt with him many times over the past 10 years they dont really give him help he says...he says meds dont work and gets very hateful when he is told things he doesnt want to hear or do...he explodes..today i see just how bad he can get..its been bad a long time and if this continues i believe he will either kill himself or me...when he was arguing on the phone i told him i would get a restraining order if he didnt stop(before he hurt me physically),,but really he is looking at his life and has so much bad feeling that i believe he would walk straight through the restraining order,,and if he did that then it would definately be the end of me because he doesnt do anything half way,,he follows through,and the restraining order would cause him to go after me with rage,,so,,do i believe if he gets help he is safe to let him be some kind of part of my life for the baby ,,or really am i just listening to 3 hours of pleas not to leave him...my neck still hurts,,its a little swollen and the skin feels raw,,but i would have to hide that from my family...i am not looking for sympathy..i just wanted to explain how hard he squeezed..i have created my own hell with the decisions i have made by staying through the abuse and crying the whole time instead of standing up and leaving..i have been standing up little by little for a year..he is extremely intimidating and then so pitiful afterwards..i think i have been listening to his excuses for his behaviour for so long i dont know what to think..he says he wants to better...i am looking for advice and statistics on if he is safe to believe he will get help..i think im still in shock..

[buttrfli42481]

(((((Queens))))) Please get out now. Go to the police station and ask them to help you get to a shelter. You are in a very dangerous position. You have done nothing to deserve this. I honestly do not think that he will get help. The most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is the year after you leave. I know that sounds scary, but it is true. You and your baby NEED to be in a safe place. I have been in a similar situation and am now safe and working on getting my self-esteem back to where it should be. Please get help. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for help. Please be safe

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

oh god i dont want to put my children through that..a shelter..there must be another way...do you think he is that bad?

[Rapunzel]

You don't live with the boyfriend, so maybe you won't have to stay at the shelter. They can still help you plan what is best for you and how to be safe. Yes, it sounds like he is that bad. He could have killed you tonight. He didn't have control. He might not have meant to do what he did, but he doesn't have the ability to keep himself from doing it, so he is not safe, which means that you and the baby are not safe. Would you be able to move and keep him from finding you? The people at the shelter can help you figure it out.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dear Queen,

This shouldn't be happening, he won't change, and it will end up with you dead. There was a bloke here in the news recently he had so much rage against his ex wife that he murdererd all 3 of their children.

You need to see the reality of this and get to a doctor NOW to have your neck looked at and the injuries recorded. Get to the police and get a restraining order and tell them that you need protection.

Get at least 2 deadbolts on your front door and carry your mobile phone with you everywhere so that you have access to the police at the press of a button.

PLEASE Queen take this seriously. You allready know he will not get any better because he has decided not to. It takes hard work to get over that kind of rage psychological assessment is what he needs and scheduling to remain in hospital whenther he wants it or not because his anger can turn into a murderous rage. All it takes is for him to NOT stop squeezing and you are dead, lain and simple.

PLEASE PLEASE get out of there Queen until the restraining order is in place I beg you. You may need to stay at a shelter or in hospital for a day or two and get the police to take you home when you go. Because if he is that bad then he will act true to form and won't stop.

Most importantly Queen NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT (emphasising not shouting). I am very afraid for you Queen and it is a genuine fear, not a removed or cosmetic fear because we are internet friends. I fear for your baby as well and I honestly think that if you don't get a restraining order it's a green light for him to continue abusing you and there will be a point where he does not stop, it will be too late then.

Begging you please Queen, have him restrained

[Elana05]

Oh Dear Queen,

Do you really want to take that chance? I agree with buttrfli42481, ask for help and seek safety... My deepest thoughts of strength are with you.

Elana

[Yoda]

Shelters are not fun but they are safe. Safe is something you desperately need right now. I have been to a shelter and my son did okay with that. Most shelters have therapists that can help you rebuild your life. The one that I went to had free legal counsel that helped me with the process of getting a protective order. Not that a piece of paper will keep you safe though as you already said.

He is not going to change. It only gets worse and worse. Quite often somebody ends up dead. He is telling you he will kill you. Yes he is that bad. I tried to support my abusive BF and encourage him to get help but he didn't want help. He made bad choices and now he is dead. Please get away from him. The danger is real.

This site is informative ---> http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i now understand i need out!!thank you..i will try and be safe ..i think it just took some time to process how serious the event was..i have not decided what to do for action yet but i know i need out..will not do anything to let him know but he really wants me to say i wont leave him...should i..he will be calling or coming tomorrow,

[Yoda]

no do not tell him you are leaving or that you want to end the relationship until you are in a safe place.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i understand what needs to be done ..thank you all so much..i am trying to come up with a plan as we speak

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i have gone to the womans shelter for abused woman..i and my children are safe..talking to police he is far more dangerous than i even thought..YOU all helped to get me out..thank you so much for helping me get away..

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dear Queen knowing you are now in a safe place is a relief. But you need to do more. Is it possible to move? Don't let him know what shelter you are in. I Hope that with all of his priors he will go to prison. But I truly am glad you are out of there,

((((Hugs to you))))

Rhiannon

[buttrfli42481]

You've taken the first step, congratulations. Now you need to focus on keeping your kids and you safe, the shelter will help you with that. Like Rhiannon said, do NOT tell him where you are. I know that the shelters around here will kick you out if your abuser finds out you are staying there. They say that you are putting yourself and the other women in a dangerous position. I am so glad that you are safe. I was worried about you and the kidos.

[sundog]

So glad to hear you are in a safe place ((((((((Queen of Wands))))))))) Well done for taking this step

[madisgram]

plan your plan, then work your plan, queen. you do need protection now! this man is highly dangerous to you and baby, imho. i almost died at the hands of an abuser. you're right, it will only get worse. seek help in the community for battered women, keep car keys and money outside of your house in case you need to run. please stay safe. please act on our pleas. we are not exaggerating the consequences. hugs to you. a new life free from fear and physical abuse awaits you.
OOOPS just saw you are at a shelter. so proud of you. that took courage. know that you are stronger than you know right now.

[Emotionally Dead]

It is great that you have seeked help and found it. Now you have to make sure you stay away from him. Cease all communication. Change your number, delete him off of everything. If you have Myspace/Facebook delete them completely don't just delete him, and eventually you can add a new one that he won't know. Just don't let him have any way to find you or your location. If you can, you need to move once you get out of the shelter. Talk to the Police though and have one of them escort you while you get your stuff out and move. This man is very dangerous, and even though it's possible he could one day get help and stop doing the things he is doing, right now he is deadly and it's not the first time. Don't let him get to you, get away. There are so many women that stay in abusive relationships or don't get help and they say "oh well I don't want my kids to have to go through this or that" but the problem is, they don't realize that not only are they putting themselves in danger they are putting their kids in danger too. This man isn't just dangerous to you he is dangerous to your kids and you MUST remember that. Don't let him step two feet in front of you again, stay completely away from him and get all the help you can get. Good luck and God bless.

[Yoda]

stay safe

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i had to cut my last message short..sorry i just wanted to let everyone know i was ok...i am never going to go back..many people seem worried i am..but i am not...he has messaged me and has been searching and searching..no way..i am free finally..my children are safe and i will make my life flourish now...the police are using extreme caution because his record is so dangerous..they need the element of surprise..it feels like its taking forever to get anything done..i couldnt go to the hospital because he is active and persistently searching..he sees me and i will be attacked..i know this..there is alot of help here and i am not stepping outside until i know he will not be on the streets....i am free and i am regaining strength..looks like a hard journey but i feel proud to be getting my life back and become whole again..i dont need a man to make me happy..i will learn to make myself happy..no dating for a long time...i feel hopeful...i thank you all from the deepest part of my heart ..till next time

[sundog]

((((((((((((((Queen of Wands))))))))))))))))))

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

well,he was going to plead guilty until the police told him the offense is inditable(?)then he said not guilty..he is a coward..i had to go to court to testify to keep him in lockup till trial,,but ended up not testifying, he took a bargain and he is on house arrest until then,,nov.25th..he admitted grabbing me but said I attacked him,also said other bad things about me,the police tell me every guy says that..i have never been to court and i am scared,,the police are always busy,,i am afraid of looking bad to the courts..i have still been staying at the shelter and have to find another apartment..my childrens lives have been turned upside down,,i will be strong and move forward..my emotions are all over the place..not for him,,for my life..its hard to be sure of the proper moves to keep safe and bring happiness to my children,,i feel so guilty for being with this man for so long..he is a monster..the police tell me they are trying to get him sentenced to a mental health prison(?)..forced treatment..i hope i never have to see this man again when this is over.....but what am i suppose to tell my baby about his father when he is old enough to ask?..everyone tells me to only concentrate on the now..i am trying..this will only make me stronger so they say..thank you for caring and once this is over i will be a better friend to everyone..xoxo..my thoughts are scattered..sorry

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

turn your fear into anger, turn your anger into strength, and turn your strength into power. it doesn't matter how hard you fall,it matters that you get back up...a friend sent me this...

[sundog]

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

turn your fear into anger, turn your anger into strength, and turn your strength into power. it doesn't matter how hard you fall,it matters that you get back up...a friend sent me this...

I love this! Thanks so much for sharing (((((((Queen of Wands))))))))

[struggling2010]

Hi QUEEN OF WANDS,
Similarity to my experience. I was choked ... strangled ... twice and my mouth pulled apart for crying out for help ... horrifying experience indeed.
and you went through it 3 times was it?? OMG!?
This validates that the guy will not change but rather worsen and really, end-up killing himself and/or someone else.

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

... well,he was going to plead guilty .... he admitted grabbing me but said I attacked him

attorney, assigned or not advises them to always, even DDA said it, NOT TO PLEAD GUILTY.
mine was booked for two counts FELONY charge:
1) ADW (assault with a deadly weapon, his hands around my throat), GBI (causing great bodily harm)
2) False imprisonment - he had me pinned down on bed

it could have be sexual assault as he initially tried to unbutton my pants and i refused, things escalated when argument ensued.

Investigator and deputy who interviewed us on site and who wrote the report and decided on booking him with the charges ... were not "happy" with me for contacting the DDA to request / wish to not press charges. DDA agreed anyway.

he admitted grabbing me but said I attacked him

he admitted, at station in further questioning, though changed from one hand to another and that it "slipped" (deputy's report notes that he change his story). And issue with proceeding to trial, 100% of jury has to agree. And I did hit him FIRST is the issue. And slapped him, etc ... DDA felt that some of the jury would take that into account ...

the police tell me they are trying to get him sentenced to a mental health prison(?)..forced treatment..

this is odd to me, both investigator and deputy said they can't do that IF i and DDA proceeded the Court could have sentenced him to counseling / therapy.

YOU and baby are SAFE. It ... kills me that mine that what he did and hasn't shown any remorse nor attempt to apologize. yours at least did and sounded sincere. he has a ... disease like mine does that they can't really control and it's really sad and I want him to get better. for his sake and for others in his life now and in the future

i'm still in ... shell shock ... and really don't want to ACCEPT that it happened. Grieving and crying some helps but i fight it ... i want to deny it. I just can't believe it.

good luck to you and wish you to find someone to share a healthy and happy life with and your children

[LookingforCalm]

Any one who threatens to kill me I wouldn't take lightly. You have to get out, and get to a shelter or something. Honey, it hasn't stopped and more than likely IT WON'T! Please - for your sake and your baby - get out of there and get some help!

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

he is trying to drive me crazy..i am petrified..he is still stalking around looking for me..hes been seen a few times around my moms looking..parked out front of her house and i am scared out of my mind..he is so evil..he is not abiding by the house arrest and the police are not being too much help..i cannot handle the fear...what am i suppose to do...i will end up dead...i have an appointment tomorrow and i dont know how to get there without putting myself in danger...he is a monster...i dont know how to live until the trial...what if he gets away with it...god,,please help me