Not sure what to do.

I am currently in a relationship with my partner of 7 years. I feel like I am being taken advantage of. First I should point out we live in a house (our house) with a total of 7 people in it (her and I, her son 21, two of his friends 21 and 22, a roommate and his 12 yr old daughter). I have no "me" space in the house. Every room, even the garage is used by someone else.

Things like, I have asthma and my lungs haven't been feeling so great lately. She smokes in the attic living room/computer room, which was where my computer was as well until a few weeks ago. I had asked more than once for her to just let me know when she was going to have a cigarrette so I could go into another room until the smoke cleared. She woud do it for a few hours and then would stop. I dont' think she is doing it malicously, just honestly forgetting. But my asthma isn't new.

I work and go to school full time, she stays home and plays on the computer all the time, or at least it appears that way. Housework, if done at all, gets done by her 21 yr old son or me when I have time. I have asked multiple times for her to get a job to help. Because she has been out of work for over 15 years, I understand she might need help getting back into work. So I made sure she got in touch with organizations that could help. But this was over a year ago.

I worry about her son hurting me on accident. He smokes pot regularly, he also has Asberger's. But is not in treatment because he doesn't want to do the drug tests. I am in IT, and want to get into IT security. His drug use could potentially cost me my career when it comes to high level background checks. I have approached her about his drug use and the answer I get is "Oh it is just pot no big deal" But to me it is. I have tried to make that clear, but I have apparently failed. He is very volitale at times, breaking things, throwing koolaid at me. I DO understand that he has issues, but I am starting to fear for my own safety with him in the house.

As far as the other people in the house go, I have been saying for years I don't want anyone else to move in when the others move out. But just this last year is an example. One of her son's friends had no other place to stay, she asked me if I had a problem with him moving in. I said I definitely DO have a problem with it. I cannot handle the stress and emotions of all these people in the house. But I wind up giving in because I am told oh well he will be living under a bridge, and he needs to see his doctors and etc. I give in just so I don't have to listen to it anymore. But then wind up more stressed.

This thing is, yes I do love her. But I am planning on moving back home to Texas. My dad is giving me land with a house on it down there and bills will be a fraction of what they are here. We have talked about the move briefly. I have no feedback though if she even wants to move. I have already told her that there can be no smoking in home there. I know that I cannot have her son in the house. I refuse to be afraid in the home that he is gonna hurt me once I move. Plus I refuse to allow his drug habit on the land there. Currently that isn't an issue because he doesn't want to move to Texas. But I don't know that he can be on his own here, or that she will want to leave him here. At this point I am not sure I can or should even try to salavage this mess. I try talking and she just goes and plays her games and socializes online. I can't get her to go out with me unless it is to the store, which i detest. Not even to the Pagan social group we are both a part of.

At this point I just don't know that I should even try. This has been on going for a number of years. I KNOW that it isnt' all her. I have my own issues as well. I have ADHD, and SAD both of which are untreated right now becaue lack of insurance. These conditions combined with the stress I am under with working full time, going to school full time and no personal time is causing anger issues as well as some very OCD like behaviors. And I know that is most likely upsetting her. But thing is I am moving. I want her to come with me, or at least I think I do. But regardless I am moving.

I am just frustrated and worried about bringing all this up to her now. I have only been in my job about 2 1/2 months. I need at least 6 months exp on this job before I do anything though. There is no where else in the house for me to go.

Hello, Valen. You have talked about the downside of the relationship. What is the upside? You said you love her. Does she love you? If so, is her love enough to sustain you in the relationship in spite of the concerns you discuss?

Without appropriate boundaries, it appears nothing will change.

Good luck.

Upsides? I suppose she loves me. Says she does anyway. But I have been wondering more lately if it is just a sense of loyalty because I was there for her through all the surgeries and hospitals stays over the last few years. I try to talk to her about all of this, but never successfully.

I just get the feeling she would rather be online with her friends than with me. And I don't know that staying in the relationship with her is viable without changes. But at the same time, I have a strong sense of responsibility. If I left I fear she would lose the house. It is in both our names, but I am ready to walk away from that property. Honestly, if it wasn't for the house I would have walked away a couple years ago.

Valen it sounds like you have to have a serious talk with her about this and things need to change. it's just not healthy for you. I know you've said you've been with this person for 7 years but that doesn't mean it's right, or that it doesn't need to be worked on. I'm glad you have a home of your own possibly in the future. Have you considered couples counseling or setting hard boundaries?

I have considered couples counseling. I am actually starting Individual counseling soon. And then I will go from there. I have no idea where to even begin setting boundaries. I do worry, and maybe needlessly so, that she will not wish to do counseling with me. Simply for the fact she has commented more than once she thinks it is a waste of time after spending so many years in counseling with her son.

I just.. I... I dunno. I feel responsible for her and her son. I am the sole provider. I guess I am afraid that if things don't work out that I would be leaving them without a way to ensure they keep the house. GAH!!!

Maybe it would be good for you to move out, at least for awhile. She really needs to be more considerate. As someone diagnosed with autism, I just wanted to say that unless the son with Asperger's has another complicating diagnosis that causes explosive anger or something, there is no reason to fear him just for that diagnosis. I'm not violent at all and I'm autistic. I hope the counseling helps!

He does get very angry and violent at times. I guess I should have mentioned that previously. Sorry. Thus far it has been directed at putting holes in walls, windows and breaking furniture for the most part. I have once had a pitcher of koolaid throw my way. Which is why I am concerned for my safety.

I know many others that are autistic and don't have that issue.

Thank you

Yikes, I'm sorry that he's violent! My brother could be very violent, but he used to be diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Well we have talked about a good portion of the issues this weekend. But in all honesty.. it doesn't change anything for me. I know she now actively looking for a job which is good for her. But, since I last posted I have realized I just don't want to stay in this relationship. I want to go home, which is Texas. I don't want her to go with me. I just don't know how to tell her that.

Is it wrong to just feel like I dont' want to work on this.. It just seems that it is wrong to just not care....

Valen

Hello, Valen. The likelihood of anything good coming from a relationship you no longer view as viable is pretty slim. Rather than prolong the uncertainty, I think it is good to be right out front. Waiting to tell her solves nothing.

Wow its all really messy isnt it.

I feel you need some 'you' time and you wont get it in the situation you are in so need to solve that before you make any decisions about your relationship.

Could you take a few days break from everything telling her you need time to think things through as your thinking is a bit muddled at the moment and you are not sure what way you actually want to go regarding EVERYTHING including your relationship.

You should be able to feel safe in your own home.

I honestly believe that if they wanted to make it work after you leave they could. Their lives are not your responsibility. They could all get jobs, could all pay for the mortgage and food together. They could stop wasting money on pot. I'm saying this because you shouldn't feel responsible to them.

Perhaps you could talk to a lawyer about getting your name off the mortgage. This must happen all the time in divorces, someone should be able to help you.

I also think you should go home to Texas, by yourself. It is what you truly want. There is no guilt in wanting what is best for yourself or in seeing that this relationship has no future for you. You are your number one priority. I don't believe it is wrong to not care about this situation anymore. It seems like she never put much effort into caring...

(Side note, I'm very surprised that you put up with her smoking in the house at all; my dad has asthma, and before the state laws changed, we couldn't go into restaurants that allowed smoking regardless of where we sat because he would be so uncomfortable and have trouble breathing).

Good luck! Remember, take care of YOU!

@Tishie Messy isn't the word I would use but yea..

Your probably right. The problem is that there is no way for me to get away. I work full time, and go to school full time. Things are complicated.. no vehicle, I take the bus to and from work. Don't even know where I would go to get away....

But to be honest it doesn't matter now. I received an email from her this past weekend. Which forced me to be honest and to tell her how I feel...

What is the saying, life's a ***** and then you die.

I don't want to hurt her, but it doesn't matter what I do... It is all I am good at.. So of course I replied via email.. and didn't go home..

Don't know that I can face her tonight either.. might just stay at work... I am just a big chicken..... *shrugs*

I just feel so wrung out now.. I can't move yet.. I am stuck there...