[slinks]

I sometimes wish I could destroy my husbands work cell phone. I am having so much anxiety, because I can't seem to get him to understand how much it upsets me, that when we are together in person, (whether just the two of us or with our kids, or with extended family) he can't stop texting other people. He IS AWARE IT BOTHERS ME, and I have very good reason to be concerned... last summer he had a long distance affair via text, facebook, and phone.

Why does he continue to do this to me... us. He has virtually stopped using his personal cell phone, and I know that it more convient to just use one phone, but I can't help being afraid that it has more to do with keeping something secret from me... I hate being jealous, and I have truly forgiven him for last summer, but my current dilemia is... HOW DO I NOT WORRY WHEN HE SEEMS TO BE OPENLY BEING OBNOXIOUS ABOUT BEING ON HIS PHONE IN FRONT OF ME... and I don't have a clue who he is texting 95% of the time... when I have tried in the past to ask him, his response is facebook friends. This is another area of concern for me, since we are friends on facebook, but his friends are hidden to me, and I know that many of the people he talks to are female.

I have learned to accept over the years that he gets along with women better, but it doesn't help our relationship, when his deep conversations are not with me... WE HAVE BEEN OVER THAT TOPIC MANY TIMES AS WELL.

I want couples therapy...

I want a chance to be understood...

But he won't seem to budge on opening up to me... it has been like over 4 months since we have been "together". He says he just has no interest and it is because there is anyone else... HE SWEARS THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON WITH ANYONE ELSE... BUT I AM NOT SURE THAT I CAN TRUST HIM....

The last time I had a gut feeing for several months that something was going on, and I turned out to be right, and he finally admitted it that I had been right almost from the beginning.

I do NOT have that gut feeling this time...

Originally Posted by slinks

I sometimes wish I could destroy my husbands work cell phone. I am having so much anxiety, because I can't seem to get him to understand how much it upsets me, that when we are together in person, (whether just the two of us or with our kids, or with extended family) he can't stop texting other people. He IS AWARE IT BOTHERS ME, and I have very good reason to be concerned... last summer he had a long distance affair via text, facebook, and phone.

Why does he continue to do this to me... us. He has virtually stopped using his personal cell phone, and I know that it more convient to just use one phone, but I can't help being afraid that it has more to do with keeping something secret from me... I hate being jealous, and I have truly forgiven him for last summer, but my current dilemia is... HOW DO I NOT WORRY WHEN HE SEEMS TO BE OPENLY BEING OBNOXIOUS ABOUT BEING ON HIS PHONE IN FRONT OF ME... and I don't have a clue who he is texting 95% of the time... when I have tried in the past to ask him, his response is facebook friends. This is another area of concern for me, since we are friends on facebook, but his friends are hidden to me, and I know that many of the people he talks to are female.

I have learned to accept over the years that he gets along with women better, but it doesn't help our relationship, when his deep conversations are not with me... WE HAVE BEEN OVER THAT TOPIC MANY TIMES AS WELL.

I want couples therapy...

I want a chance to be understood...

But he won't seem to budge on opening up to me... it has been like over 4 months since we have been "together". He says he just has no interest and it is because there is anyone else... HE SWEARS THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON WITH ANYONE ELSE... BUT I AM NOT SURE THAT I CAN TRUST HIM....

The last time I had a gut feeing for several months that something was going on, and I turned out to be right, and he finally admitted it that I had been right almost from the beginning.

I do NOT have that gut feeling this time...

I would be extremely frustrated and annoyed too, even without the last summer incident. I think constantly texting when you are out with others is rude whether it's a spouse or a friend.

I do find it concerning that his friends are hidden from you. My husband has several female friends, most of whom I've met or at least spoken to on the phone.

I don't know what the answer is - maybe you can see a therapist to find out how to deal with this better - maybe if you change how you react to him it will assist in changing how he behaves. I know when I change how I reach to my husband it does help him change how he acts.

Hope that helps and I hope it gets better.

[slinks]

sorry I am on cell phone and I ran out of characters.

I honestly think that it is depression.... he has told me a couple times that he thinks he may be depressed, but then he will say everything is fine.

How long will I have to do this.... I want him to be active in our relationship again....

AND I AM WORKING SO HARD TO KEEP QUIET, BECAUSE IT JUST MAKES THINGS WORSE WHEN I TRY TO BE HELPFUL...

Why can't he give a little?

...start therapy on his own?

...start couples therapy with me?

He says he just has no interest anymore in anything he used to find interest in... it is killing me to be the only one trying to grow and change and conpromise.

I am not willing to give up without a fight, but I am losing hope for the future... 22 years we have been together.

I NEED HIM TO GIVE ME SOMETHING.... IS THAT SO WRONG?

But I have told him all these things many times and in many ways and each time I think maybe this time will be the start.... and each time I come away hurt, disappointed and with him just a little more closed to me.

Why does it have to be so hard. He was never one to be really open about what he was feeling, but he used to try...

and he has so much that must be going on in him regarding his childhood, but again he used to try to explain, now NOTHING...

HE IS A CLOSED BOOK TO ME...

I know I can't make him do anything, and I can't make him want to do anything, but how can we continue like this?h

[slinks]

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

I would be extremely frustrated and annoyed too, even without the last summer incident. I think constantly texting when you are out with others is rude whether it's a spouse or a friend.

I do find it concerning that his friends are hidden from you. My husband has several female friends, most of whom I've met or at least spoken to on the phone.

I don't know what the answer is - maybe you can see a therapist to find out how to deal with this better - maybe if you change how you react to him it will assist in changing how he behaves. I know when I change how I reach to my husband it does help him change how he acts.

Hope that helps and I hope it gets better.

I am seeing a therapist weekly, and I am going through medication changes.

My husband has told me he is seeing a lot of changes in me and he is happy that I am making changes that are helping me feel better.......BUT.........he is just not ready to make any changes or to put any effort into fixing us or what I see as problem....

TO ME, I SEE DEPRESSION AND DENIAL OF HIS DEPRESSION...

[RomanSunburn]

Perhaps you could ask him to attend one of your sessions with you? Make it seem like you want him to come for you, not because you want him in therapy. Maybe once he sees what goes on behind the closed door of a therapy session and working with you on the problems you're experiencing in your life, he'll be more open to the idea of going to couples counseling to help the both of you work together.

Have you talked to your therapist about this at all? What do they say? Perhaps you can have practice conversations with your T before talking to your husband.

I'd also be extremely upset if my fiance hid his facebook friends from me. In fact, I'd be down right angry. But I don't know how I would handle it or what I would do or say about it, either..

Also, maybe you should remind your husband that work cell phones are for WORK use. He could get into serious trouble using his work cell phone for non-work related activities. They gave it to him to use as a tool for his job, not to play around on facebook.

TO ME, I SEE DEPRESSION AND DENIAL OF HIS DEPRESSION...

Definitely, but that doesn't explain the hiding of the friends and him disrespecting your requests to stop texting when you are together.
Does he have any family you could talk to, to say that you are worried about him and maybe they could speak to him as well? Even just to ask if they notice a difference in behavior.

My mother in law has been fantastic in helping me to deal with my husband, whether trying to "influence" him for me or just suggesting ways for me to deal with him better.

i'm glad to hear you are seeing someone regularly and taking meds. All you can control is what you can do for yourself.

[slinks]

I am so frustrated. I got a phone call when I was nearly finished with a response, and I ended up deleting the whole thing.

I will try to remember everything...

First... as to his family... His adoptive parents both passed away and they weren't much to brag about as parents. All I can really say, is that thanks to them my husband was not as bad off as he would have been with his birth mother and siblings....

Next... I planned to speak to my therapist this week and see if she feels it might be time to invite him to come with me to next weeks visit or one soon anyway... May wait a couple more weeks because his job is in a busy time right now, but looks like he will need to have gallbladder surgery soon, so maybe he could avoid missing work by coming during his recovery time.

Reg his work cell phone, I have mentioned that to him, but unfortunately or fortunately I guess for him, he works for a small family owned business and they really care less as long as he isn't doing anything that costs money...

My therapist and I believe that he is at a point in life that he really doesn't know who he is, so he can't share with me, something he doesn't yet understand... I GET THAT, BUT TO ME IT SEEMS LIKE IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, WOULDN'T MOST PEOPLE WANT TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP THEM UNDERSTAND????

He just seems so content to be unhappy and make me miserable.

I am considering printing all this off to let him read what I have shared and what other people are saying.....

WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS??

DO YOU GUYS THINK IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL OR CAUSE MORE HARM?

OR should I print and let my therapist read it 1st and see what she thinks?

[slinks]

He has at least up until the last couple years, always said that my parents treated him more like a son, then his parents ever did.

Now that he has re-connected with his birth mother and other family, he has learned that as bad as he had it with his adoptive family, it was far better than if he had stayed in that envirnment. His mother and half siblings have all had drug, alcohol, abuse, and criminal problems. He would have been nearly helpless to have ended up being a normal adult. He decided as a very young man, that he would not end up like his adoptive parents and has worked his behind off, to make something better out of his life. I am so proud of all he has accomplished since I met him at 18. He doesn't drink hardly ever at all, and when he has it is minimal. He has always been a good father and he was my rock....until he made contact with the mess of a familyche was born into....

I AM SURE IN MY HEART AND SOUL, THAT THERE IS A REAL LINK there to the changes he has gone through, but I can't get him to do anything to help him through this mess...

He just seems to not trust me.... or maybe he thinks I can't handle whatever it is, but I told him that I can handle anything but what he is doing to me. I can deal with anything but silence and distance.... it hasn't changed anything...

Originally Posted by slinks

I am so frustrated. I got a phone call when I was nearly finished with a response, and I ended up deleting the whole thing.

I will try to remember everything...

First... as to his family... His adoptive parents both passed away and they weren't much to brag about as parents. All I can really say, is that thanks to them my husband was not as bad off as he would have been with his birth mother and siblings....

Definitely adds to the explanation.

Next... I planned to speak to my therapist this week and see if she feels it might be time to invite him to come with me to next weeks visit or one soon anyway... May wait a couple more weeks because his job is in a busy time right now, but looks like he will need to have gallbladder surgery soon, so maybe he could avoid missing work by coming during his recovery time.

My husband came to my therapist one time, ONLY because it was to help me but I think it helped both of us. It made me feel safe enough to tell him things that i wouldn't say at home, and he was able to hear things about me that I couldn't explain but my therapist could, and my T could offer some suggestions on how to compromise a bit.

Reg his work cell phone, I have mentioned that to him, but unfortunately or fortunately I guess for him, he works for a small family owned business and they really care less as long as he isn't doing anything that costs money...

My therapist and I believe that he is at a point in life that he really doesn't know who he is, so he can't share with me, something he doesn't yet understand... I GET THAT, BUT TO ME IT SEEMS LIKE IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, WOULDN'T MOST PEOPLE WANT TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP THEM UNDERSTAND????

Some people are just more resistant to change, or help. they don't want to "open the can of worms" so to speak...let out the demons.

He just seems so content to be unhappy and make me miserable.

If he's depressed, he's not content and probably not enjoying making you miserable...he may just be helpless.

I am considering printing all this off to let him read what I have shared and what other people are saying.....

WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS??

I might show him what you are saying but showing him what others are saying may make him feel like he's being ganged up on. Maybe you should ask your therapist as well - you can always just write him a letter with your feelings in it - might help you get them in order.

DO YOU GUYS THINK IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL OR CAUSE MORE HARM?

OR should I print and let my therapist read it 1st and see what she thinks?

Originally Posted by slinks

He has at least up until the last couple years, always said that my parents treated him more like a son, then his parents ever did.

Now that he has re-connected with his birth mother and other family, he has learned that as bad as he had it with his adoptive family, it was far better than if he had stayed in that envirnment. His mother and half siblings have all had drug, alcohol, abuse, and criminal problems. He would have been nearly helpless to have ended up being a normal adult. He decided as a very young man, that he would not end up like his adoptive parents and has worked his behind off, to make something better out of his life. I am so proud of all he has accomplished since I met him at 18. He doesn't drink hardly ever at all, and when he has it is minimal. He has always been a good father and he was my rock....until he made contact with the mess of a familyche was born into....

I AM SURE IN MY HEART AND SOUL, THAT THERE IS A REAL LINK there to the changes he has gone through, but I can't get him to do anything to help him through this mess...

Being adopted myself, i can very much relate to the huge impact finding a biological family can have on you. I don't know the details of this, but finding mine, and realizing how dysfunctional they were was very difficult on me.

He just seems to not trust me.... or maybe he thinks I can't handle whatever it is, but I told him that I can handle anything but what he is doing to me. I can deal with anything but silence and distance.... it hasn't changed anything...

Distance and silence is the worst.

I'd also be extremely upset if my fiance hid his facebook friends from me. In fact, I'd be down right angry. But I don't know how I would handle it or what I would do or say about it, either..

I'd be very upset - I know some people are private but we don't have secrets like that. But I also don't know how I'd handle - the biggest secret I keep from my husband is how much my highlights cost.

[slinks]

Thank you so very much for your imput...

I WANTED TO SHARE THIS... JUST HAPPENED BETWEEN US. I am at work, he is at home... this is my best job in months at handling this type of situation.

Several things before this that didn't pertain....

him: Not sure did they give this number

me: I have no idea. Do you have your other ohone to see if you missed any calls on it?

him: In the van lol

me: we should just get rid of yours I guess...lol. Kinda a waste of money since you never use it.

him: Haha

me: Sorry.. that was uncalled for. Just a little sore reg your phones right now. I'm trying to remain in control, but I'm having difficulty with your work phone.

him: Well get over it

me: If only it were so easy... I am sorry, but it hurts me that you can't seem to understand why it hurts me...

him: Why because I have friends now and they Like talking to me

me: no comment

him: That's smart

me: no comment

------
I left it alone at that... usually this would have put me into a spiral of utter chaos in my brain and it wouldn't have stopped with me replying "no comment"

[slinks]

Last night when I got off work I headed for home and after stopping at the store, I decided I need a little time to collect myself, so I stopped and watched some kids in softball or baseball practice at the ball park. I sat there for about 20 mins, breathing and talking to God, and just contemplating...

When I got home, my youngest was heading to bed and my husband asked why I was so late getting home..."oh, besides going to the store?"

I told him I stopped at the ballpark, and I was sorry, I should have thought to send a message. So then he got upset and said....So you expect me to text you when I leave places or head for home, but you can't return the same and let me know... Again I said I was sorry. Seriously I didn't really think he'd even notice, but my defenses kinda went up and I said something along the lines of, maybe Iwondered if you'd even notice that I wasn't home on time....I wasn't intending to even say anything serious to him.

I had an early morning at work today, and I had planned to be polite and get ready for bed... OOOOPS...I instead decided to tackle the earlier texting incident....

I started with... for starters... I am not upset with the fact that you have friends that you are spending time texting... and I am glad that you have some friends you are able to be in touch with.... What does hurtme, is that you text these friends and you are so secretive about it and that you are texting them when it as my expense... when I have explained that I wanted to try to spend a few minutes of face time with you where I am the only thing on your mind.

I told him SEVERAL times before, it doesn't need to be serious conversation, just put everything else away and make them wait.... I asked if he was doing anything yet for himself and he told me not what I wanted him to do, so I asked what him what he meant by that and he said he wasn't seeing a professional. I told him that my PsDr, my T and I all felt that talking to friends is fine, but when there are major issues, they can only help from their experiences, based on their perceptions, etc. When you have big issues, you need to talk to someone that is professionally trained in handling things who can give nuetral advice that is intended to provide help for your best interests...

Anyway our discussion went on for much longer than I anticipated, and I told several times, that he needed to look at me.... He has been avoiding eye contact with me for quite a while...eventually I got on the floor on my knees in front of him and I put a hand on each side of his face and I looked him directly in the eyes and made him look at me, while I was crying and I asked him if he thinks I have a creative imagination.... He said yes. I said, OK then here is the deal. You won't talk to me and I am left to figure out everything on my own... I gave an example... I said now that is basic, but just think what my mind does with everything else, that I don't have any answers for.

He said he is just not ready to try yet, and I told him again how sorry I am for all the bad choices I made early in our marriage and how much I regretted that I took all he did forgranted, I explained that he says he can see I am making changes, and I said I am glad he noticed, but I can't understand how he can continue to be so cllosed off to me. I am trying so hard to make all my wrongs right.

He said "Why can't I just sit back a while and watch and make sure that these changes aren't just temporary?"

I told him, that if that was what he was doing, it wouldn't be an issue. That I could understand, but that isn't what he is doing........ I told him, that everytime I feel like I do something that know from past experience is something that should make things better, he actually closes off even more and I gave him examples of that....

I told him it hurts me that he treats me as if I am nothing to him. I said that I am working at trying to make me happy and I want us to be happy, and don't understand how he can not want to work on being happy if there is any chance we can be happy. I told him if he wants to go stay with a friend for a while, he can do that, but if he is going to do that than he HAS to agree to start seeing someone and making a real effort to figure out what is wrong.

I asked lots of questions, got very few answers, then gave him some of my ideas about what I was thinking might be his concerns.... I told him, that I don't have a clue if I am hitting any nails on the heads, or if I am so far off base, that I am not even in the right block, but I just wanted to want him to be happy again...

I have babbled on long enough and barely touched the surface on things that were talked about. This morning I thanked him for listening to me rant and I did appreciate the things that he had been trying to do to be more connected, that during the craziness I had failed to comment on.... And I asked that he please continue to do those things and not pull away from me again. I told him that I would try to continue to be patient with the little steps we were taking and could he please forgive me for being impatient and getting frustrated with the slow process. He said he was OK and left for work....About 3 hours after that I got a text from him requesting the phone number to my therapist... I tried to take a quick break to call him, but he let call go to voice mail, so I left a message, saying that I was hoping this was a good thing and that he didn't need to talk to my T, but he could make an appointment with anyone he wanted at the office if that was why he wanted the number, and that if he would rather just come and sit in on my appointment or something he could do that, or if I was just jumping to conclussions about why he wanted the number, just let me know to chill out.

I then sent him a text message saying I left a message, and gave him # again.

After a little while, I sent another text, saying I hope that this is a good thing for us...Are you OK with me right now?

I haven't heard back from him, and now I wonder if I have broken through to him and made him admit he needs to talk.......

OR MAYBE, he wants to call her to tell her I am a total nut case, and she needs to tell me to get on with my life and learn to accept that he is not wanting to be a part of my life anymore...

I am fighting myself wanting to keep texting until he give me an answer. I just hope that it is the first option, that he is willing to start talking to someone!!!!!

[slinks]

Just thought about something that may have more flustered than usual. My son just graduated from the same school I did 22 years ago this coming Saturday and 22 years ago today, I got a phone call at work (from at the time) my boyfriends (my husband) mother, saying that he had been in a really serious car accident and was hit head on after his tire blew out on the highway. She said he wasn't doing very good and I might want to get to the hospital. It turned out that he is one of those rare cases of not wearing his seatbelt and THAT ACTUALLY saved his life. They said, that due to the damage that was done to the driver's side if the car, if he had been wearing a seatbelt, he probably would have died on the spot, or if he'd lived he would have have had serious life altering injuries.

He ended up with bruised kidney's and a mild to moderate concussion and other bumps and bruises, but he was released later that day....

I have never forgotten how close I came to losing him before we had ever had our life together....

This year is the first time I have really focused on it's significance in quite a few years and I think it has now come to me that I wouldn't have celebrated my son's graduation last weekend, if I had lost my dear hubby that day....

Maybe that is my most recent trigger for my irrational behavior!!!???!!!???

It sounds like he keeps deflecting everything back on to you.
you tell him something bothers you about him and it somehow comes back to you making changes in your life rather than him making any changes.

I hope he calls your therapist or a therapist, but unless he starts doing something, you could change everything about yourself inside and out and it won't matter.

[slinks]

Thank you.... He said he called to make an appointment, but his going to go stay with a friend from work for a while. I told him that is OK as long as know where he'll be, and as long as he going to talk to someone.

And I also told him I expect him to tell the kids and let them ask any questions they may have.

I hope I am doing the right thing here.

I know he is still a good man deep down.

I know that I still love this man.

I hope that he can realize soon that we can get through this if he will work with me instead of against me.

[slinks]

Well... He left last night to go and stay at his friends house.

And right now he is at an out-of-town hospital with his half sister.

His birth mother has been very up and down with her health in the past 2-3 weeks and she is now on life-support... His sister has to decide when to take her off the life support, because she is now considered terminal and doctor's she really has no options at all of any recovery...

[Blondie50]

I'm sorry. None of this sounds like productive interaction to me ... just my opinion. I think you should focus on yourself. If he doesn't want to go to therapy with you then I don't think he should be pushed to do so because then he will only resent you for making him go. Personally I think he's enjoying this and you're giving him too much attention for his behavior. I've found in my life of 50 years that men only want what they can't have. If you appear as to not care you may see a different side of him. I would continue with my own therapy and self-improvement in preparation for the worst. You might find he suddenly becomes very attentive but if not, then odds are it's not headed in a good direction anyway. I hate to sound like a cold, hard person but I've been here and done this. Life's too short to spend it miserably latching on to something that's not worth saving. Save yourself first. If the rest of it works out then it's meant to be. If not, you're stronger for working on yourself and will deal with issues in a much brighter light. Good luck to you! You can do it! Keep your chin up and worry about you first )

[slinks]

Thanks.... I am really trying hard to not push, but it is just so out of character for me and for him to act this way, and I have a really hard time, I guess it would be...letting go. I am trying to be not so pushy and trying to play it cool, but I have a very hard time.

I am hoping this time apart will help me do a better job.

*****

Wanted to add that his birth mother passed away a few hours ago, and this is the day before the anniversary of his adoptive mother passed away.... May is going to be a hard month in the future...

[50guy]

I had a simular problem with a cell phone and facebook...my wife is the jealous type and she thinks all women are out to get me.....WOW!!! am I that good looking? I do have a lot of women that talk to me and like me. But, I really don't have an interest in them. So I got rid of my cell phone, I have one only becasue of my job and she is welcome to see whatever call comes on it, contacts are only work contacts....no women and I deleted myself from facebook. Plus last week I bought her a $2,000. diamond ring set. After 38 years i think she is finally understanding I don't have another woman....not that Ii haven't thought about it, but I don't have one. I thonk some women suffer from paranoia

[slinks]

I wish my husband would just be a little more open about what is going on in his life... Your wife sounds like she may be a lot like me...And it sounds as if she has a wonderful husband. Congratulations on 38 years together!

My problem is not paranoia, but just out of control anxiety, and I am working really hard to learn to control it, but I think I have just annoyed my husband to the point he just couldn't handle it, so hopefully with a little break away from me, put together with therapy for both of us and maybe we can make it through this very tough patch in our marriage.

Originally Posted by 50guy

I had a simular problem with a cell phone and facebook...my wife is the jealous type and she thinks all women are out to get me.....WOW!!! am I that good looking? I do have a lot of women that talk to me and like me. But, I really don't have an interest in them. So I got rid of my cell phone, I have one only becasue of my job and she is welcome to see whatever call comes on it, contacts are only work contacts....no women and I deleted myself from facebook. Plus last week I bought her a $2,000. diamond ring set. After 38 years i think she is finally understanding I don't have another woman....not that Ii haven't thought about it, but I don't have one. I thonk some women suffer from paranoia

[Direction]

Originally Posted by slinks

He just seems so content to be unhappy and make me miserable.

I am considering printing all this off to let him read what I have shared and what other people are saying.....

WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS??

DO YOU GUYS THINK IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL OR CAUSE MORE HARM?

OR should I print and let my therapist read it 1st and see what she thinks?

There was a lot to digest in the post...wasn't able to stay focused...but a few thoughts...He may not be content, printing this off will probably be overwhelming for him but good for your therapist to see your thought process regarding how you perceive what's going on...

[slinks]

Originally Posted by Direction

There was a lot to digest in the post...wasn't able to stay focused...but a few thoughts...He may not be content, printing this off will probably be overwhelming for him but good for your therapist to see your thought process regarding how you perceive what's going on...

Sorry...mostly this was a way to get all the frustration out, so I could get stuff out without taking it all out on him...

Thanks for trying, and I have not printed it out, but I have really discussed most of this with therapist over the past few months!