[Jenn1fer82]

I am an angry monster. It scares me how angry I can get. I can't control myself and all I do is yell at my bf. I don't excuse him for his faults but the longer I talk to him about the issue the crazier I get. When I don't talk about the issues it get bottled up in me. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to improve my communication skills. We just started couples therapy and communication skills is one of the issues we are addressing.

We got into a fight today and even though he said he was truly sorry I was still angry. This anger that I live with is a deadly curse that eats me up inside. I hate being angry, It reminds me of how ugly I am.

[Emotionally Dead]

It's easy to take anger out on our partners because we're so close to them. The more we take it out on them, the easier it gets to do so since we subconsciously know that we get by with it. The same can be said for family members.

There's not much I can say to help, other than if you aren't already in counseling and this is someone you truly love and care about and preferably have been with for a while, it's a good idea to get some counseling together. If you haven't been together a while I am not sure if that would work out right but if you have been it's not a bad idea.

Have you been diagnosed with Bipolar or anything? If not it's also a good idea to get checked out for things like that.

Good luck.

[Leed]

Usually when we become THAT angry with someone close to us, it's because we're angry at ourselves about something -- some character defect of our own that is driving us nuts. Could it be just a lack of patience, or perhaps you two just aren't completely understanding the other?

Sit down and Promise that neither one will raise their voice -- and talk this out. When either one raises their voice, they have to pay 50 cents - or a dollar. Sometimes when money comes into it, it's a good incentive to keep the voice down, and it's fun too!

[Korin]

I expect you have already tried a few coping tools like counting to yourself, taking a walk, taking a bath, tearing up a load of newspapers, throwing some books and cushions around, slapping some paint on a wall etc. I have tried these and lots more over the years. Anger can still be an issue but I can deal with it now. The secret is to set up a list of distractions so that when you feel the anger building you go read the list - that’s the first distraction - the longer the list the better. Then you go do something on the list.

[nomad73]

I went to a therapist a couple years back, and it didn't work out, but she did say one thing to me that really stuck with me, which was that I resort to anger in most situations, because anger tends to be empowering in general. Feeling sad, anxious, even feeling love, tends to make me feel vulnerable or in in my mind, "weak". Kind of like I'm not in control? Have you ever examined your thoughts after the fact and tried to see if you were mad at him "because at the time I was feeling _?" Maybe that would help you some?

To be more succinct, sometimes my anger has nothing to do with my actually being angry.

[shezbut]

Jenn1fer82,

Lots of great pointers given to you so far on how to get through those hard times (when they do come). I think that nomad's perspective was excellent!

In my brain, anger is much more "socially acceptable" than fear and sadness. I have a tendency to push those core emotions deep within myself, which causes troubles in close relationships, as I carry my baggage around with me (but don't accept it). As a result, I often become very snippy and plain aggressive. I am shameful for behaving this way, because it's very negative. But, I also feel very scared of revealing my true feelings to even myself at times!

I do now use a journal, and write down my thoughts, emotions and temptations inside of. I explore what events brought on these things in my journal, to gain a better understanding of myself. That does help me a lot. I also read my writings in the journal to my T, to help me work through the issues. It does help!

Very best wishes to you!

[afterrain]

Take some time to yourself when you get upset. Think about why you are really mad. Then write a letter to your boyfriend that say how you feel and why. After he read the letter, give him some time to think about everything. Talk to him after he had some time think. I hope everything work out for you and your boyfriend.

[Jenn1fer82]

Thank you everyone with all the great advice. Since that last fight my bf came to me upset and there were moments when he was crying telling me he can't put up with my anger anymore. He ask me why must I always jump the gun and think the worst of things and how everyone is out to get me. Why can't I just allow him to explained himself instead I won't let him say anything and then I put him down.

I'm a horrible person when I'm angry, I'm not the person that he loves. Does it make me crazy when I know where my anger is coming from but I just don't know what to do about it. i dont know how to not take things personal and I dont know how to not get defensive. I dont know how to keep myself calm when I am upset. I have an idea where my anger is coming, I know I have a problem, I know I need help, I am desperate for help. I can't lose my bf, I need him, I love him.

My anger is taking over my life, enough is enough already.

[Korin]

Being prepared helps. Knowing you can get angry quickly is half the battle. Now you can make a plan for the next time it happened and follow your plan instead of letting the anger get out of control. I found creating affirmations helped. Create them when you feel fine, make a list of a few and when you feel the anger rising choose an affirmation and repeat it over and over in your head. It has something to do with changing your internal dialogue from “I’m angry and I can’t control it” to “I’m angry but I can control it.” Don’t assume it’s not working. It’ll take a little time for your brain to get the message.

[Yoda]

In my first marriage and in early part 2nd when I was angry I said what I thought and wanted to settle the issue right then and there. But I learned that it is better not to react emotionally that it is better to think about what I want to say calmly at a time later rather than to attack. Discuss when you are both calm. It takes work to get there but it can be done.

[nomad73]

Jen1fer82, you indicated there is a deeper issue you believe is causing your anger. You said you are tired of it. If that is so, see if you can find a board here to discuss it openly with a group of people who might share your experience, or look up a local support group, talk to a trusted member of your clergy - just coming here indicates you are eager to make a change in your life. That is the first step. If you think the small insights you've received have been helpful, go for more. Korin made a good point: knowing you have a problem with getting angry is half the battle. Now it's time for the rest!

[Vampyre]

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

I am an angry monster. It scares me how angry I can get. I can't control myself and all I do is yell at my bf. I don't excuse him for his faults but the longer I talk to him about the issue the crazier I get. When I don't talk about the issues it get bottled up in me. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to improve my communication skills. We just started couples therapy and communication skills is one of the issues we are addressing.

We got into a fight today and even though he said he was truly sorry I was still angry. This anger that I live with is a deadly curse that eats me up inside. I hate being angry, It reminds me of how ugly I am.

Wow. This is exactly me. After all the yelling and angerment is done, I become so scared and disgusted with myself for lashing out at the one I treasure the most. I too have had enough and my darling has been upset and scared of me for being that monster. He knows its not me and anytime I am, tries to help me so that we can identify why I'm upset.
There are some great suggestions on this thread that I hope you try and that I'll try myself.
Much luck