Wife wants to sleep with other men

My wife is going through a "pre-mid life" crisis.
Here is the background. We got married 5 years ago after dating for a year. We then got pregnant about 6 months after being married. She is 31 now and I am 37. She has been a stay at home mom for almost 4 years now with our 2 kids. One is 4 and the other is 2.
She told me about a month ago that she is having an identity crisis. She misses having "her" time and needs to get some of that back. One way we are addressing this is by giving her a day off. So on some weekends she will go out with her sister, stay there, and then come home the next day.
This weekend she told me that she now is having thoughts about wanting to sleep with other men. She is a very upfront person and is being brutally honest. She still loves me very much and is mostly just trying to be pro-active about this. She promises that she hasn't already slept with anyone else and I believe her. There are too many other things that have happened to not let me think that. She just believes that monogamy is just not possible. We know so many people that have had affairs and are unfaithful. She is OK with me going out and sleeping with women as well. She misses the freedom and liberating feeling of being hit on and then going on "first dates". I guess she is almost suggesting that we have an open marriage. I am not sure that I am secure enough to go through this. We have a great relationship but this part of her life is missing.
I am curious if anyone else has gone through something like this.

Have u and your wife tried to re-kindle the romance in your relationship? Have you been able to take a few days off for just the two of you, where someone has looked after your kids?
Did your wife always believe monogamy wasn't possible for her. Was she honest about this before you got married?

I would like to go somewhere to re-kindle but I am not sure thats what she is looking for. She was a very independent person before we met and she said she misses the freedom and feeling of being hit on. She isnt even sure if she needs to have sex with someone right now, but she doesnt like the idea of being with just me for the next 50 years.
Not sure we ever really addressed monogamy before we were married. I guess it was just assumed.

I've been in an open relationship with my partner for almost 4 years. Neither of us really believe monogamy is necessary for a successful relationship. For some people monogamy works best, and for others it doesn't. Some people work better within an open or polyamorous relationship, like myself and my partner.

If you want to learn how to build a successful open relationship, I highly recommend reading this book cover to cover (and maybe have your wife do the same, so you're on the same page, so to speak):

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Cre...9211397&sr=8-1

And remember, there's no one "right way" to have an open relationship... but there's definitely a wrong way! Honesty and communication are absolutely crucial to a successful open relationship. I know I can trust my partner more because he is honest to me about who else he sees (and likewise, my partner trusts me because I am honest with him about who I see).

lago24,

This strikes me as a real bad idea.

There are so many women that post here I'm curious to know if very many of them can relate to what your wife is feeling. I'm not judging anyone it's just that I've been married more than once and it's not a topic that's come up. I'm pretty sure I could not handle it. I'm also concerned about the kids. I think there is a lifestyle that goes along with what you're describing and it's probably not best for children.

I don't know man. I can think of so much wrong with it and nothing right.

Good luck.

I'm concerned that adding more people to the mix is going to complicate your problems rather than solve them. I tried an open relationship in my early 20s, and it didn't work. My girlfriend said I could see other people and then hit the roof when I did. I wish I could tell you exactly what's going to happen with you. I can only tell you what happened with me. Being with several women at the same time didn't make my problems go away.

lago24 - in order for a polyamorous relationship to work...both partners need to be prepared to relinquish all jealousy and possessiveness. Ideally both partners know ahead of time before making a committment with each other. If you're not willing to do this, then it's not really fair for your wife to spring this on you. If you not willing to go with this, then you should make it clear this isn't for you. If you both end up leading this lifestyle, make sure you practice safe sex and be honest with the people you get involved with. If this whole idea of your wife being with another man instills a fire in you, then this definitely won't work and you should speak up.

lago- It sounds to me like you're trying very hard to be okay with the idea because you love her and don't want to lose her, when actually you hate the idea and you feel a bit helpless and betrayed that she would do this to you. (Actually I can't tell if this is what I think you're feeling or what I think I would feel like, but I digress.) -Especially the comments about not wanting to be with you for the 50 years and how she misses being single (basically). It's very foreboding and I know that if I were you, I would be trying my best to justify it in my mind and ask other to help me in justifying it and being okay with it. Thing is, with something like this, you may just need to face her and say "I'm not going to deal with this. I love you but I just can't let this happen and be happy." YOUR happiness should be what's most important to you. You need to stick up for what you believe here and it can be extremely painful to do it. You may lose your wife if she becomes really adamant, but seriously man, I think you're just prolonging the misery until the s**t hits the fan. You may as well deal with the issue and move on from there instead of dwelling and constantly wondering. It will CONSUME you. Also, your kids man, think about how they'd have to grow up with a miserable father. They don't need to pick up on that behavior. Always remember to do what's best for your kids as well. I don't know. I feel really awful for you right now. I've been assuming you're against the idea based on how I felt when I read your post. I could be wrong though. Anyway, let us know how it turns out please.

Cheers.

What about some role playing to spice things up? Make like you are new to her...things like that. Also, if you think it would help, couples counseling is always an option to kind of work on things. I hope it all works out for you.

I don't see anything wrong with an open relationship, but agree with Lynn that you need to go into one with both partners already being willing or both partners wanting to try it out.

It does sound like you'd try it to save your marriage but do you really think in your core of yourself, that having an open relationship and basically sharing, is what you want to do?

Maybe a couples counselor could help you talk about this?

I know you wrote this with the best of intentions ladyjrnlist and all couples can benefit with spicing up their partnership. Unfortunately I don't think this is the OP's problem and it won't fix this problem. His wife wants another man and no amount of spicing up, will deter those feelings.

I know how this poster feels and I toyed with this idea of trying to win back or be the more seductive one, but I refused to do it. I decided I wouldn't lower myself to thinking, I was somehow inadequate and that's why my partner chose someone else. I wasn't about to behave like a woman on the bachelor show in a competition for a man. No amount of wild sex will take away the notion that she wants other men.

I can understand your wife's feelings of wanting to feel excitement and desire again--but there is a price to pay. I am going to tell you my opinion from my experiences.

I began feeling like your wife after a couple of tough years when my husband got involved with a woman, moved out, then came back to the marriage--I know this is different from your situation. We went to counseling, but I had reached a point where I let myself begin to fantasize about dating and feeling that excitement again that comes from the beginning of a "love" interest and having "all those options" (lol).

He suggested we continue counseling. My answer was, "But I want to date!" I can see now how ridiculous that must have sounded!

I think it is very difficult to get a person to feel differently at this stage. Because staying is "real" and leaving is a fantasy--full of fun and freedom.

My advice is, in a calm and balanced way (tough--I know), tell her what your boundaries are.

What I know now is that I was afraid of true intimacy that comes with time and allowing ourselves to open up to each other. Neither of us knew how to do this (family of origin b.s.). In my opinion, she has issues that she needs to address probably through counseling at some point. But she may have to remember what was really like being single...times alone, paying everything on your own, arranging childcare, etc.

Best wishes to you.

Iago, maybe I'm wrong - don't take my advice for it, but you need to steel yourself now. Ask her one question. "Do you believe that without this freedom you want, you can not be happy in our relationship"? If her answer is "yes", there may be no solution but separation. You want her to be happy, but you won't be happy if she's with other men. Something tells me you're not the type to enjoy the idea of sleeping with other women. It was wrong of her, in my opinion, to wait until this late stage before bringing this up with you. If she knows you're not happy with it, and cares more about her own happiness than yours, she's already made her choice.

I miss being six years old and not having adult responsibilities too but I don't know that I'd ask my husband to indulge that in such destructive ways (he does pat my bottom before I go up to bed each night :-)

Enjoying being "hit on" sounds like your wife has a self esteem problem going on and is looking outside for its fulfillment. No amount of other guys hitting on her will be enough if she does not value herself first.

If she wants excitement, why is she not working at something instead of dismantling her primary relationship, getting attention for a job well done and/or putting her energy into making her family's life better rather than focusing on herself individually as if there were no family? One choice is to "build" what one wants as opposed to un-building what what has/doesn't seem to want anymore.

I have a niece who left her husband and two daughters to pursue her dream. I cannot understand it, can understand having a dream but can't understand not working on it within any constraints of being with the ones I love.

I posted this on another forum too!

I have been exactly where you are at, an let me tell you. Once she does this then the relationship is over. Now I am open to having and open relationship, we both were in the beginning but her actions and behavior have almost turned me away from it.

We have had 2 threesomes, the first 1 was with one of her friends. She stayed over for a week and all 3 of us had hot sex every night. We she left that was it, I had no feelings for her what so ever. In fact we really fell out of contact with her. I recently found out she got married and is happy.

The 2nd threesome was with my best friend, you think it would have went the same way right. WRONG! They both fell in love with each other she wanted a 3way relationship with him. At first I really did not have a problem with it, I figured it would be over, after all we had a threesome with a girl an it was only fair. Well she and him started falling in love with each other. She started wanting to be around him more an more. It got to the point where she gave me and ultimatum, let her be with him or she is leaving and talking the kids with her. It was not tell she realized he was not going to take care of the kids did she come back to me. Oh by the way she decided during this whole 3 month fling she was not going to make love to me but she wouldn’t allow me to sleep on the couch. She did not even bother to move out. Well they stopped talking and she came back all crying to me. I gave her the I told you so speech and she said she would never do it again. Just think all this drama was going on and I had to try an hide it from our kids. Well we get counseling because I actually believe in a marriage and I did not want to break our family up. The kids love us to death and I would hate to see them loose their Daddy. You think it would have ended there, WRONG AGAIN. Just two years later here they are going at it again, same as the first time, she wanted to leave me for him. But like the first time he just wanted her. Well then it happen again just last year, she just could not stay away form him.

Now let me be clear about this, I was all for having a 3-way relationship, we where really good friends and he really did care about her. He just was not ready for kids and I do not blame him, being a father is no easy job. I was also clear with her that if some girl came a long an I liked her a lot then she would be apart of us too. Well guess what, some girl did come a long and I started having strong feelings for her. Everything seemed like it was going to work, she really wanted it to I believe but she just could not get over him. So she decided she did not want to be her friend anymore. Well **** she shot that down after 9 months. I did not even sleep with her or kiss her. I got as for as your pretty with her, she knew I liked her and how I felt about her and I knew how she felt. I told her as long as you know how I feel I am good, she has a boyfriend and I was not about to break her and him up.

That was just a few months ago, me and her still talk everyone other day but I wife will not even talk to her. She gets mad when I bring her up. I thought they were good friends. Well I though her wanted to sleep with other guys was done. I have not been with anyone else since the first 3some, she has been with her guy more times then I can count. Since I am not a sex freak the lack of sex was not a big problem for me, there were times we I would bring it up but she always had an excuse. Her whole relationship with him over a 5 year period was only about 5 months total, so after the initial fling it really didn’t pick up much. Just a lot of chatting and phone talking.

Well after she realized he was not coming back, she started looking for other guys. Meet 2 or 3 and we all had lunch. I really did not have a choice in the matter since we both worked at the same place and I did not get notice of it tell lunch. She dropped all 3 of them when all the wanted was sex from her. Again I gave her the I told you so speech.

Now I know others are think, why are you still with this women, she does not care about you or respect you. All of you are right. I grew up without a Father and after he died 3 years ago I found out he had another family. He really did not give a **** about me and my brother one bit. So I am not going to abandon my kids, so I am going to do everything in my power to keep them and as long as she decided to stay in the marriage I am ok, it means no divorce drama for the kids. Tell you the truth if she leaves I will not be hurt that much. I love her to death but I can not always worry about her ****, and despite my best efforts my older daughter 6 Is starting to wonder why mommy is always mad at Daddy.

Sex is Sex to me and Making Love is Making Love, I know the difference and so does she. I have come to realize that she may not stop and she might need professional help. **** her mom does 100% and more of the **** she does. Both my Mother and my Brother believe I should stick with her until she finally does leave. I am very surprised by how many people tell me not to leave. Even her own mom begged me not to leave her.

Now I have a friend who also went through something similar, he ended up moving out of his own house an getting a ****ty apartment. The girl kept his house and moved the guy in and makes him pay the $900 rent. He really got ****ed over. I can not say I am doing better but if I wanted to go out and get another girl I could. I do photography with models an I know a **** load of girls that would get with me. Hell several girls have flat out told my wife they want me.

In the last 3 days I found out she wants to sleep with another guy, he works with her( I quit working there due to the fact I am going to the Police Academy next year and I need a job with less hours so I can focus on my classes) well you know she is not going to leave me, she has been the biggest support and My brother and me wanting to be cops.
So here we go again plus she wants me to slept with her friend from work. Just last night we had a huge argument about me being boring and a goody to shoes and why wont I get drunk with her and **** her friend bull****. I told her if you want to get ****ed by all means do so, but do not drag me in the whole with you and do not come at me with the guilt trip when its done. She got pissed and started chatting with her guy friend.

My brother just looked at her like she was crazy and said when you loose him its your own fault.

For all the people that read this, I have the full support of my family and hers and have had it for the last 6 years. They all want to see us stay together and they have been the biggest reason I have stated in this 8 year long relationship. I would just like to give my 2 cents and to warn OP of how things could turn out. I love my Wife, but sometimes its not worth it.

Thanks

I've never personally been interested in having an open relationship, but I do believe it can work for some people. I don't believe it will work for you, . That's why. To me it sounds like you are doing this to win her back/keep her. I am afraid that if you agree to it, the end result will be devastating. For an open relationship, both partners need to say "yes, I want to do this and I'm ok with this". Going back from this decision will be incredibly difficult if not impossible.

Another poster posted this article, I think you should sit down and truly think about where your personal boundaries lie.
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Set...ries&id=560907

It seems like your wife is searching for external validation, does she struggle with self-esteem? Have you had less date nights in recent times? Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Don't compromise how YOU feel just for her. If you're not comfortable with this then tell her so. I think based on what you said she may very well pursue it anyway. I wish you well brother.

I have never been involved in an open relationship. I think monogamy is harder for some people than others. I have always been able to remain faithful to the same person, although I have been guilty of crushing on others, but nothing has ever gone beyond that. As for what I have seen with open relationships, I have had two different couple-friends that both ruined their marriages via open relationships. One was a couple who the husband found "someone he liked sleeping with more" and the other the wife got pregnant from the "other man" or whatever you call it. I've never seen an open relationship work, but I have seen a whole lot of monogamous relationships fail too! I think that if you are not fully comfortable with it now, you never will be, maybe she needs to talk to a counselor and see why she really needs to that kind of affirmation from other men. Does she no longer feel sexy? Ect... I hope everything works out.