Daddy Issues

Ugh

I've had a really rough past with my dad when it comes to my teenage years. He's BPII (but apparently didn't know it, even though we all did), was an alcoholic and addicted to Oxycontin. From the age of 16 to 19 he attempted suicide 8 times, almost succeeded twice. He spent a lot of time sleeping and drinking in the garage. He made my family's life hell for many years. I walked in on him putting a gun to my sister's head when I was 12, and he drove to my mom's work with a knife under his seat. Mom stayed with him until I was 17 because she felt guilt leaving him when he was at his worst, but the kicker was when he tried to kill me. He was addicted to the pain medication that was prescribed due to a back injury, but it got out of control. Needless to say through all of this; we don't really have a relationship... and I feel guilty.

I can't get passed the hurt he caused me and my family, even though it was 10 years ago. I tried for a while to have a relationship with him, but he keeps hurting me. I try to remind myself that it's the disease and the medication and suicide attempts really messed up his brain chemistry, and logically I know that, but emotionally it doesn't stick... it hurts. I've always longed for a normal dad and a normal relationship, but no matter how much I hope for it and want it... it's not going to happen, but I hold out hope.

He has delusions that God talks to him (he was a preacher for a while also), and he's just so up and down that I have a hard time picking up the phone cuz I don't know what type of mood he's going to be in, so I ignore it. A few years ago he was moving to NV so I asked him if I could drive up before he left (he lived 2 hours from me) and his response was "what's the point". I was going to introduce him to my ex so I drove to go visit him and he didn't show, his excuse was that he was tired and needed to sleep. He calls me last year and I answered... he calls to tell me that when he passes away, he wants me to help his wife to plan the funeral... that's I'm NOT invited to because "if you don't want to be a part of my life while I'm living, you won't be a part when I'm dead"... that was the kicker for me, so I stopped talking to him. I felt compelled on Christmas to call and tell him Merry Christmas, he answers the phone and gets off within a minute because he was watching a show. I fell to the ground at my mom's house and started bawling. I ignored his calls for months, but then I felt so guilty like I'm an awful daughter.

Most of the times I still don't answer the phone, but he called today and I ignored it, but I felt so bad that I called him back. On this call, he seemed normal and happy, and sometimes he's like that, just not often. It took all I had to fight back the tears. When I got off the phone I totally fell apart. I'm an awful daughter for ignoring calls from my dad... I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him. I won't have a relationship with him because I don't want to hurt, but if something happens to him, I will feel horrible for not even trying. He called today just to make sure I was ok, he just wanted to make sure and that he loves me. How the **** do I deal with this??? Sometimes he hurts me so bad like he doesn't care at all, then other times he loves me and I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I just don't want to hurt anymore

(((((starving4perfection)))))) thats a tough situation! I can relate to some extent , but of course not completely. I also had a strained relationship with my dad, right up until he passed, and often felt hurt by him. I have to admit i kind of regret the fact that i didnt try to get closer to him before he died... he spent his last 8-9 months in the hospital and i avoided him as much as possible. Guess i will always have that what if in the back of my mind... take care of you

Please sweetie ~ DON'T feel guilty!!! You haven't had a relationship with him because you were protecting yourself!! No one would expect you to throw yourself under the bus -- and that's what you'd be doing right now if you began a "friendship" with him. Since you didn't mention if he's seeing a therapist, I assume he's not. You'd just be putting yourself in danger of being HURT big time again. He needs professional help ~ and badly!!

You are NOT an awful daughter!! This is self-preservation -- exposing yourself to more abuse will just make you MORE depressed & hurt.

You could write him a letter and GENTLY tell him that if he gets some help (therapy) you will consider having a relationship with him. Let him know that you do love him, but you can't go thru what you did before. He's the only one who can get the help for himself -- so you're putting it back in his hands.

God bless you -- I hope something "gives" -- but please don't feel guilty. This isn't your fault. Take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

welcome to pc, starvin. you've had to endure a lot. your life has been a struggle due to dad's alcoholism for one. they take people hostages rather than having a healthy relationship.
but i want to keep the focus on you...have you ever tried adult children of alcoholics, ACOA, alanon, or alateen? these groups are so very supportive for those affected by an alcoholic parent or loved one. the focus there remains on helping YOU. you will learn new ways of coping, living, knowing it's not you that has caused so much upset. you can learned to get rid of the hurt. i hope you will check it out. just put in your area/town and meetings will pop up.
http://www.allone.com/12/aca/
hope you will let us know how u're doing.

Hi
Your father comes across as having traits of a psychopath, seems unempathetic and cold. Especially when you describe him putting a gun to your sister's head (alarm bells ringing!). Also youi said he tried to kill you and you feel guilty?! Seems very irrational on your part to carry such guilt. But it is natural for women to carry guilt which can be irrational. I suggestt you see a therapist to talk this over.

Dear Starvin, see all the answers above, nobody thinks you are a selfish or bad daughter for protecting yourself from harm. He tried to kill you and your sister! It's self preservation.

I also had a parent with a severe mental illness, my mother, and I also have had to struggle with feelings of guilt surrounding my relationship with her. I loved her, but hated what the illness drove her too. In the end I thought I hated her, but every now and then her true nature would peek out again, and I'd fall back in love with her. It's so painful, every time.

You must not feel guilty whatever happens to your father. You could be sucked dry and destroyed in your attempts to mend him. You honour your father in your survival... much that is good about him, your genetic heritage from his side, is preserved in you. You will always be half his, half your mother's, and what you do with that make up of yours is your gift to yourself and the world. Your father might do badly in life, you might have much to grieve for him, but you continue, for yourself as well as for him, and never blame yourself that you couldn't be his mother. You did the best you could.

http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm

Please visit this link...skip past intro.There are common denominators which are typical to adult children of abuse.I doubt that your dad desired to be neglectful,or to have left you feeling these bruises on your heart to deal with.But,the truth of the matter is that many parents do leave scars on their children.Whether stemming from their life choices (drugs,alcohol,relationships,mental illness)...or whether stemming from the fact that they are not well equipped for parenting,due to lack of example,or lack of desire.

You have grown up in a situation where you were shown a very poor example of what a parent needs to be to raise an emotionally whole child.

Beyond this,you are now experiencing guilt for the feelings and desires you have to be righteously angry and disconnected from the history of the relationship,and its on-going facets of dysfunction..Alcohol,drugs,BPII,suicide attempts,violence in your familial setting,attempting to take your life...(whether due to mental illness,drugs,or whatever else),complete disconnect and neglect of his fatherhood in your life.You are NOT an awful daughter,you WOULD be alive despite him,you state...

"I won't have a relationship with him because I don't want to hurt..."

Truthfully...does that sound like a hurting heart filled with pain and fear?...or like a mean daughter....?

May I ask...please imagine yourself sitting in a room with any one ...a stranger...or someone you love and care for...now,re-read your post.....what would you say to them?Your healing and growth up and out of this swirl of mixed emotions will be a process of forward growth and momentum...and some retreat...and back to moving closer to healing.You have sustained a ton of damage.And you have a right to the process of grief,anger,sadness,numbness,tearfulness,and even the transient bitterness that you feel inside.

If you don't feel like clicking on the link I gave,please copy /paste,or book mark it for a time when you might feel like it.It is critical that you obtain some objectivity on your feelings,and your childhood.

They quote..."Every survivor has the right to become a thriver."

Within the site are helps to so very many concerns that those who have survived as children from anything from emotional neglect to many of the other realms of dysfunction /abuse that we might encounter in our experience with parental figures growing up.

You are not alone.This is an epidemic.There is nothing abnormal about "where you are at now"...and no barriers between you and your right to claim your emotional health and healing.You deserved to be in a healthy family circumstance,and deserve to claim wholeness.

Thank you for all of the warm and loving responses everyone, I really appreciate it! I know a lot of it is self preservation and just guilt in general. I know it's not my fault and he's just sick, but man... it can really get to you sometimes! I know logically that I'm not a bad daughter... just a hurt one. I've never thought of going to any groups for those with alcoholic parents, talking about my dad is the hardest thing for me to do; I can talk about anything but that! I'll look into it though. Once again, thank you all for the support!

As another with daddy issues, I have no advice, other than not to feel guilty protecting yourself from **** you can't deal with. Talk to a T about this??

Just couldnt click past without saying something. Hope you're ok. x

Thank you for the response and I'm sorry you have to deal with this as well. For some reason this is a tough one for me to talk to my T about because I don't like crying and there's nothing I can do to help or change him... I think the realization that he will always be like this and never change is the hardest part

Mine is dead, and I have loads of unanswered questions that I will never get closure on. Just have to get closure on my own.....

Just talk to your T. Crying sucks, but it's actually healthy for us. GL x