[jmo531]

I had a fight with my son a few days ago which was a huge blow out.

There were things leading up to this but in a nut shell, I threw one of his toys (which broke). He came at me kicking my legs and then he bit me on my upper arm. I was so angry and hurt at this point all I wanted to do was hit him, but I didnt because I DO NOT hit my kids. I started to cry and ran up stairs. After a few minutes I came back downstairs and said some pretty horrible things to my son which hurt him pretty badley. He cried himself to sleep that night and I didnt even go in to comfort him at all.

This fight came at a time where I was having a hard time with my OCD (still am) and I know that my anger and actions played a huge part in my behavior. I tried to talk to him the next day after the fight and he seemed so distant and it made me feel even worse.

I received some feedback via PM that has me thinking about this fight, and my behavior surrounding it. I was raised in an abusive home. My father was extremely extremely difficult and strict with with. He did very bad things to me that I wouldnt even dream of doing to another human being. However, during the fight with my son, I told him that "I didnt like him anymore". This is what made him cry himself to sleep that night. Thinking back, this is painfully similar to things that my father would say to me as a child. I have spent so much time learning how not to be like my father and then at a drop of a dime, during this fight, I resorted to verbal abuse on my son. I yell at my kids but I never call them names or degrade, or make them feel bad but during this fight I did, but I didnt mean too. I was hurt and angry and it slipped out. although I know that is no excuse for what I said or my behavior.

I talked to him yesterday, although I didnt really go into details regarding the fight or why I said what I said. I just told him that I loved him very much. Tonight when he was going to bed he said "have sweet dreams MOM". I looked at him and said "you too baby". He smiled and turned over in his bed.

I am planning on talking to him about why I acted the way I did because I feel he deserves an explaination. My children are aware of my anxiety, but they do not know the particulars of my OCD thoughts or the extent of my depression. I feel as though I owe them, or at least him an explanation because I dont want him to feel like the fight is OK or its water under the bridge. I want him to know why I acted that way and that it wasnt his fault.

I guess I want to get some feedback on how much should a 10 year old know about my past (abuse) or my current diagnosis? My daughters are 13 and 14 1/2. Are they old enough to know? I dont want them thinking that I am just a weirdo. Do they need to know the truth? If so, how does one go about explaining such a complicated thing to them? How much is too much info?

I appreciate any feedback you have to offer.



Huggles,


Jen

[Myzen]

Hi Jen,

I'm so glad you're sticking with this, and working through it.

My feelings are that your son doesn't really need to know the details from your past life. What concerns him is how you are towards him now. He is a youngster and will forgive and forget, especially if you surround him with lots of love when you are feeling up to it.

In my experience children are very forgiving if they know that their Mum or Dad has an illness. We can't hide it from them, but they will give us the credit for fighting it, you can be sure of that.

When my daughter was about 20 I heard her tell someone, "My Dad has his dark times, but he's OK."

IMHO that is what to aim for, an understanding from our children that we have it hard, but that we are OK with them.

Whatever you do, Jen, I hope you won't beat yourself up over this incident. We are pretty special people, here at PC, and we have to handle our wobbly lives as best we can. Of course we slip back sometimes, and then we just get up and start over. That's the game we are in unfortunately.

That's my bit of advice, and I'm sure there will be lots more warm messages coming your way.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Good thoughts, M

PS -We worry because we care IMHO

[hillbunnyb]

Hi, I've found kids love honesty and respect and being included in the process. Give them a context, like, run down how we learn how to behave from our parents/family first. How our families show us how to deal with things that come up in life. If our family give us poor trainig/role models, we have to "get over it" later in life.

Breaking patterns/habits is really hard. Ask for their help in turning it around to the next level. Peel another layer off the onion together. Issues can be a place of coming together rather than pushing apart. Kids care and want to help, be included in stuff, know what's going on around them.

There's a little book called "The Four Agreements" that might be useful in framing discussions:
1. Keep your word. 2. Don't take things personally. 3. Check your assumptions. 4. Do your best.

I wish you and your kids great growth together.

[JustBen]

The thing to keep in mind when talking to kids about this stuff is that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. In other words, just because you're going to tell your daughters some things, it doesn't mean they have to know everything. Maybe you could just give them a real general idea that you had a bad childhood. You don't really need to go into any details about it until they're older.

[radio_flyer]

I think a ten year old is a little young to be explaining too much about your past. At that age, what they really need to know is that you love them and will be there for them. Maybe when he is several years older you could explain things to him, but not now. Maybe say you lost your temper and said things you didn't mean and that your sorry for saying them to him. Another thing to maybe consider if you feel your losing your temper at another time, to maybe just leave the room.. and deal with the situation when your calmer and not lashing out in anger.....

[Myzen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
radio_flyer said:
Another thing to maybe consider if you feel your losing your temper at another time, to maybe just leave the room.. and deal with the situation when your calmer and not lashing out in anger.....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree completely with RF. I came home from a holiday once rather than get into a row with my daughter. She and her Mum stayed onand I came home on a pretext of feeling ill (which I did).

Funny thing - they argued without me! LOL

It's not all doom and gloom.

Cheers, M

[dottie]

Imo..I think you should confide in your children. And at no time is it ok for him to kick and bite you. That is very worrisome to me to hear that he did this to you. Not good, Jen!

TGC

[desirae]

My name is Desirae. When I was a child my mother was very verbally abusive to my sister and I. Today when I find myself mad at my husband, I say the exact horrible things my mother had once said to me. It makes me feel disguisting. I hate that feeling.
My children are very young, so I'm unable to explain to them the realities of my childhood, but as soon as they are old enough to understand, I will tell them the 100% truth. Children understand more then what we think.
When I was 13 years old, My mother abondened my sister, and I. I understood exactly what was happening to me and why. I understood my mother was very ill, and she never had explained it to me.
Your children probably already know that some of these things are happening to you. I would tell them so they are aware of the fundamental differences in just being sad, and the actual illness of depression.
If you suffer from OCD, and depression, then there is a chance your children will grow up, and experience theses things as well. If you warn them that this could happen, then they will be aware, and self perspective.
I hope I said something to help.
Desirae

[LMo]

((( JMo )))

I think that you are the only one who knows whether your daughters are old enough. 13 and 14 year olds could either be ready or not ... I think it depends on the individual kid, not the age. Adolescents are pretty savvy these days.

And I think it's great that you're recognizing what your son is probably going through. That's the only way you can change things. Ok, so you made a mistake -- FORGIVE YOURSELF and be steadfast in making some changes to how you deal with anger and frustration. A one-time incident is going to pale in comparison to the love and support you give him from this point onward.

Hang in there,
LMo

[Maven]

The effects of abuse aren't easy to get rid of. How many people are determined not to be like their mother or father, but find themselves reacting to some situations the same way? Don't beat yourself up. Take note of these times, and learn from them. Then you can change them. You're not a bad person because you make mistakes. I know you're not a bad person because you didn't mean to hurt your son and because you regret it. Parenting isn't easy, even for those who didn't come from abusive homes. Sometimes parents make mistakes, even bad ones, but it doesn't mean your kid will be scarred for life.

I think it's ok to say something like, "My dad was sometimes very mean to me, and it hurt my feelings and made me very scared, and that sometimes still affects me today. You also know my OCD sometimes stresses me out. I'm sorry I let my anger get out of control, but I promise you, I love you more than anyone, and I'm going to do my best not to do that again." If you find yourself feeling angry like that again, you might have him tell you you're not being rational, and maybe that will help you realize you're letting your anger get the best of you. But you have to be sure you won't get further angered if he does that; if you think that will be a problem, don't have him say that. But try to get yourself under control enough to say, "I need to go into another room and calm down. Then we can discuss this situation rationally."

Like LMo says, forgive yourself. You're a good person. Even good parents have flaws.

[jmo531]

Very good feedback here. Lots to mull over. My kids know bits and peices. Mostly my oldest daughter. She is pretty sharp. I just feel that my son is owed an explanation because I behaved so badley. I dont want him thinking that this is normal or that this will happen again.

I do understand that my son had no right to kick or bite me. My husband talked with him at length about that.

Thanks again for your advice. I really appreciate it.

Huggles,

Jen

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

JMO IMO opinion I would say YOU too should talk to your son on the bites and kicks too cause that way YOU show aurthoty in a good way ..I kinda think he is too young for full details and all on your past...saying youre sad may be best and site a few reasons why...the rest is too much I think

hugs

[jmo531]

Thanks Sleeps. I havent yet thought about what I will say to him about my behavior.

I know what he did was wrong. Hubby talked to him that night because I was far too upset to even approach the situation. I will talk with him about this.

(((((((((((((((((SWBF))))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

Jen, I really don't think you need to tell your boy anything beyond that you made a mistake and that you're terribly sorry. Do something special for him to make up for it.

At seven, kids still have mean streaks in them that come out when they get angry. He could very well use whatever information you give him against you next time he gets upset at you. That will only make things a whole lot worse.

Even the best of parents make mistakes. You need to stop beating yourself up about it.