[Richardrahl]

Its so strange how your life can flip around in 1 second you can go from being on top of the world to falling so far you will wonder if you will ever stop falling. I seem to have reached a point in my life where I knew things had to change or my life would just remain the same.

I started to look at the various aspects of my life and what caused the damage in my relationships, in my head, but I also tried to look at some of the nicer aspects of my personality (Gotta say I didnt find much and I looked pretty hard) I started to notice how indifferent I could be or how cold I was, it was never intentional to be that way maybe its something about my childhood. A friend told me recently that I had to learn to accept affection and how to show it, but that it can be hard if you have never been taught to express or accept them. And my friend was right, its damn hard to change the habits of lifetime.

I have been under a lot of pressure lately, having health problems and realising what a mess my personal life was, now one of my biggest issues is that I have been a pot smoker for years, and when I say years I dont mean 2 or 3 I mean I guess about 15 or 16 years, so first order of business was to stop that, and I have done, its been hard but I did it and I did it for the right reasons. I know some people will be reading this going omg have this guy ever heard of crack addiction, and yes I have but pot was my safety barrier for years, Ive never been one for over the counter meds. So phase 1 was a sucess and I was gaining a little more confidence, so time for phase 2. Phase 2 was a little harder because it required me to really examine myself and my relationships, and nobody really likes that but I read that the best way to deal is to address the problems head on. So i dived right on into my own head and had a good look around for the roots of my issues (troubled childhood), as It turns out I have HUGE abandonment issues, which seem to be at the centre of everything, I realised I fear everyone will leave me, its what happens sooner or later, In an effort to avoid that inenviable disapointment Id either throw myself right in or pull myself away, 1 extreme or the other.

Which leads me right up to the big problem in my life, Relationships. I deal wiht my feelings incredibly badly. Once my feelings kick in its like all logic and reason go out of the window, I tried to lock all these feelings away in a little room at the back of my mind but its not healthy or productive. Ive been wanting to try and repair whats left of my personal life, over the last 3 years of my life Ive been so self destructive, burning bridges, and making mistakes. I was recently presented with not 1 but 2 opportunites to approach past mistakes Id made and try to rectify the damage. As it stands, I messed it up yet again, I did nothing more than torture myself and and hurt someone very close to me. I was so pleased with myself thinking I was managing my feelings well, letting go of the anger of the pain and hate, for me those feelings were always a shield, they would keep me safe and protect me, they stopped people from getting inside they stopped people from hurting me. wihtout that I feel bare and Im starting to feel that my range of emotions is just making me unloveable.

Right now I feel more alone than I ever have done in my life, Im losing friends left right and centre. Everyday I see my life become a little emptier, and all I want is for someone to care.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm sorry you're so upset Richard. I can completely relate to the extremes mentioned above. A lot of us who have been hurt as a child do grow to have abandonment issues, attachment issues, boundry issues, esteem issues, the list goes on and on. I myself find that I have many different phases that I go through. It's strange, these phases last a few years and once a major event happens it stops and goes in another direction leaving me feeling completely detached from myself and my past. As if it happened to someone else. I remember it happening to me but find it hard to find a link between myself and my past when it comes to feelings. Strange thing but as I said, when we go through emotional trauma as a child, it makes our minds work differently. I've been through my relationship extremes phase. Where I meet someone and decide it's all or nothing. I'm either in their life 24/7 (after first meeting them) or I'm not in it at all. I can't tell you how many times in the beginning of my current relationship that I told my boyfriend (and this being in the first 2 months of the relationship) that I was leaving and moving 2 states away because I didn't like that he needed "alone time". I felt like alone time was anti me time so I couldn't handle it. Needless to say it didn't go over well and I'm very thankful we made it through that phase.

I applaud you for trying to fix yourself and work on your self. I feel like I'm constantly carrying around a mental tool box since every moment it seems I am realizing things about myself and ways to make myself a better healthier happier person. So I break out my mental tool box and start picking away at the garbage in there and start laying down some new bright happy shining floors in my mind . I think it is one of the best ways to find happiness. You have to find it within and you know yourself more than any doctor. Again, very well done working on yourself and realizing so much already of who you are. It really is harder than most people think.

You spend a lot of time during this phase with negative talk. You pull back the curtain to see what's behind it and all you see is a jumbled mess of things you just don't like. It's hard to face your demons, and even harder to get rid of them but it makes you stronger every time. And it makes you into a better happier person!

I'm sorry again that you are going through this and even more so sorry for rambling so much. I self medicate (as I call it) and have ever since I started recovery for my eating disorder pretty much. It helps during the extreme stress times when I can't hold a cracker down and it helps my stress when doctors refuse to give me any medication for stress even though it's causing me to have seizures (the stress is causing it, they wont see me since I don't have insurance)

I don't like medication but I do self medicate for those reasons and one day I hope to be able to get my medical card. One day I do hope to live completely free of all things that effect your mind and mood. I hope to live happy and healthy just being me, but who doesn't? It's not meant for me yet, it will take more work than I want to give but it will make it that much sweeter when I'm at the top looking down at the giant mountain I just conquered. For now, I continue to use (only) marijuana and pick apart my mind.

It's a hard thing you are doing but you seem very intelligent, effectionate, determined person and as long as you continue searching, you will find what you are looking for, it will be a bumpy road but a beautiful ride none the less

[FeelingHopeful]

richard im sending you a online hug i have a friend who feels very similiar to you and it breaks my heart thank you for sharing your story i know its not easy i think you are very brave

[madisgram]

richard, a wonderful accomplishment re the pot smoking. addiction numbs our feelings. it's an escape. now you are on the journey of self improvement. i applaud you for having the courage to face your "demons", it doesn't happen overnight. i've been working on myself for 30 yrs. and have lots of areas still to address. one of them is rage. doesn't happen often but i've learned it comes from fear and invalidation from others. now i'm learning how to channel that anger into something constructive rather than making myself physically and emotionally upset. i think it's important we know where these deficits originate from. you are doing that. reading your post tells me you have the willingness to change. that is the key for self improvement. another thing i noticed is how hard you are on yourself when you feel you're still stuck on old behaviors when they arise. you didn't get those old behaviors overnight so you won't gain the new behaviors overnight either. it even can be painful even tho it's a positive action. keep practicing.
my best suggestion is to keep you focus on practicing what you know you want to change. practice, balance, self awareness and pausing before you react may help. it does for me, especially pausing.
as you grow you will learn how to deal with your abandonment issues, etc. you will find a balance as long as you keep trying. just be kinder to yourself during this process. rome wasn't built in a day.
this site may help-
http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/to...ps/relatn.html
just keep the perspective of what you've accomplished already. that will empower you.
a fellow traveler.

I see you are located around the 6th circle of hell. I was going to move there but I heard they have a pretty shabby school district.

[Richardrahl]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I'm sorry you're so upset Richard. I can completely relate to the extremes mentioned above. A lot of us who have been hurt as a child do grow to have abandonment issues, attachment issues, boundry issues, esteem issues, the list goes on and on. I myself find that I have many different phases that I go through. It's strange, these phases last a few years and once a major event happens it stops and goes in another direction leaving me feeling completely detached from myself and my past. As if it happened to someone else. I remember it happening to me but find it hard to find a link between myself and my past when it comes to feelings. Strange thing but as I said, when we go through emotional trauma as a child, it makes our minds work differently. I've been through my relationship extremes phase. Where I meet someone and decide it's all or nothing. I'm either in their life 24/7 (after first meeting them) or I'm not in it at all. I can't tell you how many times in the beginning of my current relationship that I told my boyfriend (and this being in the first 2 months of the relationship) that I was leaving and moving 2 states away because I didn't like that he needed "alone time". I felt like alone time was anti me time so I couldn't handle it. Needless to say it didn't go over well and I'm very thankful we made it through that phase.

I applaud you for trying to fix yourself and work on your self. I feel like I'm constantly carrying around a mental tool box since every moment it seems I am realizing things about myself and ways to make myself a better healthier happier person. So I break out my mental tool box and start picking away at the garbage in there and start laying down some new bright happy shining floors in my mind . I think it is one of the best ways to find happiness. You have to find it within and you know yourself more than any doctor. Again, very well done working on yourself and realizing so much already of who you are. It really is harder than most people think.

You spend a lot of time during this phase with negative talk. You pull back the curtain to see what's behind it and all you see is a jumbled mess of things you just don't like. It's hard to face your demons, and even harder to get rid of them but it makes you stronger every time. And it makes you into a better happier person!

I'm sorry again that you are going through this and even more so sorry for rambling so much. I self medicate (as I call it) and have ever since I started recovery for my eating disorder pretty much. It helps during the extreme stress times when I can't hold a cracker down and it helps my stress when doctors refuse to give me any medication for stress even though it's causing me to have seizures (the stress is causing it, they wont see me since I don't have insurance)

I don't like medication but I do self medicate for those reasons and one day I hope to be able to get my medical card. One day I do hope to live completely free of all things that effect your mind and mood. I hope to live happy and healthy just being me, but who doesn't? It's not meant for me yet, it will take more work than I want to give but it will make it that much sweeter when I'm at the top looking down at the giant mountain I just conquered. For now, I continue to use (only) marijuana and pick apart my mind.

It's a hard thing you are doing but you seem very intelligent, effectionate, determined person and as long as you continue searching, you will find what you are looking for, it will be a bumpy road but a beautiful ride none the less

Hey Purple,

Thank you so much for that its good to know Im not the only one that feels this way and has these problems, it sounds like you too are working hard to resolve your issues. If you call that rambling you are welcome to ramble on any of my posts anytime reading what you wrote really helped to lift my spirits today. If you ever need an ear to chew on Im always around.

I know what you mean about a shift in directions, something will happen and I will percieve it as something big even if nobody else does and I will warn myself " that cant happen again" and then that extreme will be switched for another. I find trying to fight myself a nearly impossible battle and decided to try and isolate the problems adn deal with them individually, but as you said its like finding a loose thread and giving it a pull to find out where it goes only find yourself stood around 5 mins later in the quickly unraveling remnants of your own sweater. Music is a big help for me, I listen to a hell of A LOT of music, I love the cliche "music soothes the savage beast" because its so true!!

For me pot was real hard to let go of, I love pot it really helped with my equalibriam when I was on edge (I am borderline to) I work more often to try and help with that and it works, in particular running, but lets face it pot was always my vice, I quit tobacco over a year ago and didnt bat an eyelid (pot purist) but when it was time to quit pot it was hard.

Thank you so much for the reply its HUGELY appreciated should you ever need a friend IM always around.

[Richardrahl]

Originally Posted by FeelingHopeful

richard im sending you a online hug i have a friend who feels very similiar to you and it breaks my heart thank you for sharing your story i know its not easy i think you are very brave

Thank you Hopeful, It feels good to let it out, and if you need any help or advice you have only to ask. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I am sending Hugs adn good thoughts to you and your friend.

besos

[Richardrahl]

Originally Posted by madisgram

richard, a wonderful accomplishment re the pot smoking. addiction numbs our feelings. it's an escape. now you are on the journey of self improvement. i applaud you for having the courage to face your "demons", it doesn't happen overnight. i've been working on myself for 30 yrs. and have lots of areas still to address. one of them is rage. doesn't happen often but i've learned it comes from fear and invalidation from others. now i'm learning how to channel that anger into something constructive rather than making myself physically and emotionally upset. i think it's important we know where these deficits originate from. you are doing that. reading your post tells me you have the willingness to change. that is the key for self improvement. another thing i noticed is how hard you are on yourself when you feel you're still stuck on old behaviors when they arise. you didn't get those old behaviors overnight so you won't gain the new behaviors overnight either. it even can be painful even tho it's a positive action. keep practicing.
my best suggestion is to keep you focus on practicing what you know you want to change. practice, balance, self awareness and pausing before you react may help. it does for me, especially pausing.
as you grow you will learn how to deal with your abandonment issues, etc. you will find a balance as long as you keep trying. just be kinder to yourself during this process. rome wasn't built in a day.
this site may help-
http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/to...ps/relatn.html
just keep the perspective of what you've accomplished already. that will empower you.
a fellow traveler.

Thank you madis, it means a lot coming from you and it is greatly appreciated

I understand rage, Im often filled with and it was all around me as a child. I know how hard it can be to focus it; as I said on my bio Im an ex fighter, adn have my scars from nights of uncontrolled rage. Working out has been a big help for me (when i say working out, mostly I run and martial arts, im not a muscle head at all), I love to run and listen to music, on those darker days I feel like I could run forever till I reach the end of the world and just throw myself off (ofc we know the world isnt flat but hey if i ran fast enough who knows right?).

But like you Im learning to let it go, to find outlets for it.

I know pot isnt a big thing but as you said addiction numbs our feelings, and I think sometimes people forget about the psycological aspect additction, its a fight with your willpower, a test of your mental strength, as we all know if something is wrong in your mind it is very possible and likely it will effect some other aspect of your life and or health, I noticed for me it started as lack of sleep, and my appetite started to suffer somewhat. It took a lot of focus to move my thoughts away from getting high and doing other things, occupying my time was and is important for me.

Thank you so much madis and for the link too, its nice to know there people here who care and offer support.

[Richardrahl]

Originally Posted by stardusted

I see you are located around the 6th circle of hell. I was going to move there but I heard they have a pretty shabby school district.

Oooooo you always get one don't you eh?

stop reading if your easily offended, deeply religious or both.

Yes a pack of rabid demons did lower property values, and so the schooling system has deteriorated a little on this particular circle, However my house is located right on the edge of the burning lake of the damned and let me tell you there is nothing quite like skimming across a lake of burning sinners on a jet ski in high summer wearing nothing but your zebra print thong while listening to a bit of something mellow, you want parties welcome to the 6th you want good schooling sod off to the 7th I heard they are more ur kinda people

Originally Posted by Richardrahl

Oooooo you always get one don't you eh?

stop reading if your easily offended, deeply religious or both.

Yes a pack of rabid demons did lower property values, and so the schooling system has deteriorated a little on this particular circle, However my house is located right on the edge of the burning lake of the damned and let me tell you there is nothing quite like skimming across a lake of burning sinners on a jet ski in high summer wearing nothing but your zebra print thong while listening to a bit of something mellow, you want parties welcome to the 6th you want good schooling sod off to the 7th I heard they are more ur kinda people

Actually, I prefer the third ring, less crowded and you can't beat the shopping. Now that so many of the residents have lost their homes do to the recession beach property is finally affordable. There's nothing like watching the molten lava roll in after a hard day of shoveling coal.

[Richardrahl]

Originally Posted by stardusted

Actually, I prefer the third ring, less crowded and you can't beat the shopping. Now that so many of the residents have lost their homes do to the recession beach property is finally affordable. There's nothing like watching the molten lava roll in after a hard day of shoveling coal.

I was thinking of buying a winter place there

Originally Posted by Richardrahl

I was thinking of buying a winter place there

Fantastic.

[alibro32]

Originally Posted by Richardrahl

Its so strange how your life can flip around in 1 second you can go from being on top of the world to falling so far you will wonder if you will ever stop falling. I seem to have reached a point in my life where I knew things had to change or my life would just remain the same.

I started to look at the various aspects of my life and what caused the damage in my relationships, in my head, but I also tried to look at some of the nicer aspects of my personality (Gotta say I didnt find much and I looked pretty hard) I started to notice how indifferent I could be or how cold I was, it was never intentional to be that way maybe its something about my childhood. A friend told me recently that I had to learn to accept affection and how to show it, but that it can be hard if you have never been taught to express or accept them. And my friend was right, its damn hard to change the habits of lifetime.

I have been under a lot of pressure lately, having health problems and realising what a mess my personal life was, now one of my biggest issues is that I have been a pot smoker for years, and when I say years I dont mean 2 or 3 I mean I guess about 15 or 16 years, so first order of business was to stop that, and I have done, its been hard but I did it and I did it for the right reasons. I know some people will be reading this going omg have this guy ever heard of crack addiction, and yes I have but pot was my safety barrier for years, Ive never been one for over the counter meds. So phase 1 was a sucess and I was gaining a little more confidence, so time for phase 2. Phase 2 was a little harder because it required me to really examine myself and my relationships, and nobody really likes that but I read that the best way to deal is to address the problems head on. So i dived right on into my own head and had a good look around for the roots of my issues (troubled childhood), as It turns out I have HUGE abandonment issues, which seem to be at the centre of everything, I realised I fear everyone will leave me, its what happens sooner or later, In an effort to avoid that inenviable disapointment Id either throw myself right in or pull myself away, 1 extreme or the other.

Which leads me right up to the big problem in my life, Relationships. I deal wiht my feelings incredibly badly. Once my feelings kick in its like all logic and reason go out of the window, I tried to lock all these feelings away in a little room at the back of my mind but its not healthy or productive. Ive been wanting to try and repair whats left of my personal life, over the last 3 years of my life Ive been so self destructive, burning bridges, and making mistakes. I was recently presented with not 1 but 2 opportunites to approach past mistakes Id made and try to rectify the damage. As it stands, I messed it up yet again, I did nothing more than torture myself and and hurt someone very close to me. I was so pleased with myself thinking I was managing my feelings well, letting go of the anger of the pain and hate, for me those feelings were always a shield, they would keep me safe and protect me, they stopped people from getting inside they stopped people from hurting me. wihtout that I feel bare and Im starting to feel that my range of emotions is just making me unloveable.

Right now I feel more alone than I ever have done in my life, Im losing friends left right and centre. Everyday I see my life become a little emptier, and all I want is for someone to care.

I don't know whether this would be comforting to know, but you are not alone. Everything you talked about sounds like my life as of recent. I've been reflecting over past relationships that have gone wrong. I am currently in a relationship I wanted to leave last week because all of my relationships end eventually. I just wanted to get a head start. She wasn't very pleased and actually brought it to my attention what I was trying to do. At any rate, don't feel alone. Your not. Keep working at it and it will get better. Just choose your friends wisely.

[Richardrahl]

Originally Posted by alibro32

I don't know whether this would be comforting to know, but you are not alone. Everything you talked about sounds like my life as of recent. I've been reflecting over past relationships that have gone wrong. I am currently in a relationship I wanted to leave last week because all of my relationships end eventually. I just wanted to get a head start. She wasn't very pleased and actually brought it to my attention what I was trying to do. At any rate, don't feel alone. Your not. Keep working at it and it will get better. Just choose your friends wisely.

Hey Alibro, It does help to know Im alone, I guess one of the biggest problems with mental illness is that in nearly all cases you feel so isolated and alone.

It helps to hear abuot other poeples experiences, in same cases you may find help and in others solace, but knowing your not alone is key.

Its good that you have had someone who can bring it to your attention because you need to fight that feeling I know its easier said than done, its difficult to face yourself in a battle of wills but im starting to see that its the thought process that is the problem, and thats what needs to change, It normally starts with, "wow this is great" then shifts to "this is too good its gonna end" to " man I really like her, shes gonna rip my heart out" to "beat her to the punch, drop her quick" and thats where it ends. Ive just had to try and push myself forward, and I do feel like Im making progress,
as so many have said; and I thank everyone who took the time and effort to read and reply to this post. These changes wont happen overnight but the first step is trying to address them. If you ever feel like sharing bro feel free and thanks for reaching out

[Open Eyes]

I can't seem to find the spot or post but I did see someone say "I am sorry for the long post" and that means " I never felt I was important enough to put myself out there to ask for help" and it also means "I never got the chance to learn that I am important and loved and safe when I DO try to express myself".

And that is a very important expression to look for whenever we ask for help or even when we make any effort to try to express ourselves. That is very important to recognize in ourselves when we try to make efforts to connect with others. Because what it means is that no one ever taught us how to express ourselves or we somehow grew up thinking we were never important.

And also when someone responds to that by saying, oh, no I liked hearing you talk, don't appologize, that means the person saying that he/she also knows how it feels "NOT HAVING RECEIVED THE PROPER NURTURING AND SENSE OF SELF VALUE".

So when we are taking steps to reach out and try find ways to get pass all the things in our past that hurt us and kept us from learning "HOW" to "RELATE" to others and express ourselves, we have to really look at what we say. And when we can finally express ourselves without appologizing or feeling we need to appologize that means we are finally gaining, "MORE SELF ESTEEM".

RAGE, what does that emotion mean? That is an important question to address.
I have seen it be an emotion that is very difficult to control, even in myself. That would be a good thread to start, Madisgram, can you find information on that emotion that describes what it means? My computer skills are lacking and I do not know how to cut and paste information yet, I keep messing it up. But I will learn eventually.

I have had RAGE come out in myself and I know it is often like stress where we have different buttons that get pushed (often triggers we are not aware of) and we have anxiety attacks. And I think RAGE is when we are addressed with a group of situations that push our boundaries and the next thing we know RAGE comes out and it really feels like some kind of strong entity jumps in our body and it is very hard to control.

I know that it is a part of having PTSD, but it also appears in other disorders. And I know that it is intertwined with anxiety. And it would be nice to know where that switch is so that I could find ways to keep it from getting switched on.

This is a very good thread Richardrahl and you now have not only good advice but those wonderful words, "SORRY YOU DONT KNOW, BUT YOU CAN LEARN", "YOUR NOT ALONE".

Open Eyes

[Richardrahl]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I can't seem to find the spot or post but I did see someone say "I am sorry for the long post" and that means " I never felt I was important enough to put myself out there to ask for help" and it also means "I never got the chance to learn that I am important and loved and safe when I DO try to express myself".

And that is a very important expression to look for whenever we ask for help or even when we make any effort to try to express ourselves. That is very important to recognize in ourselves when we try to make efforts to connect with others. Because what it means is that no one ever taught us how to express ourselves or we somehow grew up thinking we were never important.

And also when someone responds to that by saying, oh, no I liked hearing you talk, don't appologize, that means the person saying that he/she also knows how it feels "NOT HAVING RECEIVED THE PROPER NURTURING AND SENSE OF SELF VALUE".

So when we are taking steps to reach out and try find ways to get pass all the things in our past that hurt us and kept us from learning "HOW" to "RELATE" to others and express ourselves, we have to really look at what we say. And when we can finally express ourselves without appologizing or feeling we need to appologize that means we are finally gaining, "MORE SELF ESTEEM".

RAGE, what does that emotion mean? That is an important question to address.
I have seen it be an emotion that is very difficult to control, even in myself. That would be a good thread to start, Madisgram, can you find information on that emotion that describes what it means? My computer skills are lacking and I do not know how to cut and paste information yet, I keep messing it up. But I will learn eventually.

I have had RAGE come out in myself and I know it is often like stress where we have different buttons that get pushed (often triggers we are not aware of) and we have anxiety attacks. And I think RAGE is when we are addressed with a group of situations that push our boundaries and the next thing we know RAGE comes out and it really feels like some kind of strong entity jumps in our body and it is very hard to control.

I know that it is a part of having PTSD, but it also appears in other disorders. And I know that it is intertwined with anxiety. And it would be nice to know where that switch is so that I could find ways to keep it from getting switched on.

This is a very good thread Richardrahl and you now have not only good advice but those wonderful words, "SORRY YOU DONT KNOW, BUT YOU CAN LEARN", "YOUR NOT ALONE".

Open Eyes

yet another insiteful post Open Eyes its always a pleasure, I thank you for taking the time to read this. Im still staying pot free and keep my time occupied and things are getting a little easier, Ive had massive problems sleeping now though. I sure this is a knock on effect from quiting the pot, so while im feeling better my sleep pattern is up the wall.

[Open Eyes]

Your welcome Richardrahl,
I am not sure what advice to give for the lack of sleep. Perhaps in time that will also calm down. I too have those nights that I am wide awake and am not sure what to do. It makes the next day very challenging.

You are a good person and you are trying, I can see that and it takes time. That is why I have that message next to my name, one day at a time. The reality is, that is all any of us can do, work on ourselves one day at a time.

Open Eyes