[Overcastbutclearing]

I have been w/ the same woman for 4 1/2 years. We had a wedding ceremony 3 years ago.
She suffers from OCD and has to have everything in it's place. She tries controling me all the time and is very demanding. I cannot even put something down like a piece of mail for a minute because she will be right behind me to pick it up....sometimes I just need space and she never wants to give it to me.
We sometimes have explosive fights. They start out over something stupid and she winds up saying rotten and mean things to me. Hurtful things.
Then in like 45 minutes of listening to her rant she comes around, cries, tells me how sorry she is, tells me she doesn't mean any of the rotten things she has said and tells me I am everything to her.
I however, a black and white borderline thinker...have a very difficult time in my head understand how someone can go from raving lunatic and telling me what a horrible person I am to tell me I am her everything. It doesn't make sense.
If I tried to leave her I think she would destroy everything in the apartment out of anger and rejection.
But, at the same time I cannot keep going on like this. This is not new...been dealing w/ it for the whole time we have been together. Now the fights just seem to not come as often.
We both have been in therapy individually and as a couple.
We both have a lot of stuff to work on, both individually and as a couple.
And, I do love her. When we are good...we are really good.
I just don't know how much more I can take of the verbal abuse.
ARRGGG!

[LMo]

Ick - what did the couple's therapist say? Are you still going together?

[nothemama8]

Sus, My hubby is OCD andPanic/Anxiety, I'm Bi-Polar, and DID
We have been married 30 yrs this month and like you have had rough times, he's got to be perfect, one time Marie came out during an verbal fight and smacked the back of his chair, I would never hurt him but got so mad.
I always say, "I Love him, but sometimes I don't like him", when your love acts out tell her this and it might help

[Overcastbutclearing]

Our therapist for individual is also who we see together.
She usually defuses situations for us. But, sometimes I think Mare just agrees to things and says she will not act out like that ever again so I stay. I don't know.
I love her..but I hate living with her.
It is just so complicated for me.
I have told my T sometimes I feel like the only way out of the relationship is if I die...so she is never happy when I say that. Of course, I tell her that privately.
Mare is on meds now...has been for about 3 months so things have improved.
But, I have never been verbally abusive or physically abusive with her ever. I just get quiet. And then I say everything is okay because if I express hurt or anger it all starts up again.
Crazy cycle and it is draining what little life I have in me!

[Lexicon78]

Me and my bf go through the same things. He's a clean freak. I keep things clean, but don't spaz out about it if it's not. I guess what you really have to think about is if you want to keep receiving this type of abuse just for love, ya know?

Love is a really great thing, don't get me wrong, but you have to consider how much hurt you are receiving from her. I guess I should take my own advice. I know this is a hard thing to think about. I wish you all the best of luck.

[Beautiful_Pain]

I wish I has some advice...this sounds so much like my aunt and her wife. They fight alot..its even been abusive in the past. Yet having been through so much together (the past 14 years) they cannot seem to let the other go. When they are good...they are the best thing for each other, but little things can get the fights going. I guess I'm just saying you aren't alone, and this must be so hard for you to figure out.

I hope you find some resolution for yourself, you deserve to have peace in life =) {{{{{sj}}}}}

[rebecca8]

hey there, i'm also a bit of a loon sometimes, so i can relate a little to your situation..........You said that you are more of a black and white thinker, and find it difficult to understand your partner. Very similar with myself and my ex boyfriend (whom is my very closest friend now) When I was a raving, crying ball of mess, it would tick me off a little when he didn't get me. (He's also black and white) I wanted him to understand me so badly. Not sure, but maybe that's why she might take some things out on you sometimes, but when she realizes you're still there, she's very grateful. She seems to need someone to listen to her very badly. It shouldn't be you all the time though. (this is only my lil ole opinion, so take what you'd like, i won't feel bad) Anyway, all I know is that when I'm ranting, and flinging myself around the room, the only person I'm not happy with is myself. I only realize that after the tantrum. I feel like an idiot too. Boy, and to add OCD on top of it. I have no idea what that would be like. Does she see someone who specializes in OCD? Meds? I think a good specialist could also help you too......to understand her OCD.......maybe in scientific terms. I agree with you, you can't keep going on like that. No one should have to take abuse of any kind. Even if the person isn't doing it intentionally which I rarely think they do with verbal abuse. Hey, this might be a way out there thought, but I know of this old couple who've been married forever..........they live in separate houses, but right next door to each other. They're very happy with that arrangement. (she's very particular, but can't tell if it's any form of OCD.) But I'm not sure if that would be for everyone. Just a thought. Also, as I said before, I heard that therapists who specialize should be sought. They provide the most relief because they're more knowledgeable and experienced with the specific problem. Hang in there, I hope things get better for you.

[MacD]

Love doesn't conquer all....but good therapy can really help....go for together and separate....if it's worth saving, You Will!......and an impartial professional can give you both the coping skills you need.....Good Luck!
grace

[Overcastbutclearing]

Thanks for sharing your experiences, thoughts, well wishes.
Such a hard situation...ya know.
I hope to get a couple's session in once T returns from Holiday Vacation.
I want to have things work out...but sometimes you just have to say "enough is enough!"
ARGGGG...Life!

[DaveyJones]

Suz,

You two sound a bit like me and my ex...we stayed together for many years despite just such conflicts. Even now we love each other. I simply can't live with the abuse if I hope to survive. (Like I'm doing a great job there, but that's for abother forum!).

What you have to realize is that, in a committed relationship, love and pain are two sides of the same coin. The thing you have to keep in mind, is that you don't get just one, you get both.

[MacD]

gosh...if that isn't divine truth then I don't eat collards..(but in my neck of the woods, we all eat them..lol)...seriously...it really comes down to a value judgement...When is a relationship more pain than pleasure....? and unfortunately, only those who are in it can answer the question...best wishes...grace