My Wife Beats Me Up

I think that's an excellent suggestion and I'll try it immediately the next time it happens.

It's interesting that you ask that. Usually these things happen in the evening, when she's got a load on. The next morning, she's all sunny and bright and loving. I haven't had the guts to ask whether she remembers what she did last night, I'm too happy with her just being better again. I'm sure many female victims of this stuff react the same way.

She's okay most of the time. We have our disagreements, particulary since money is so tight. But when her head isn't concentrated on how lousy her life is going, for which she blames me, she's okay.

I can't imagine my father-in-law hitting my mother-in-law. Or vice-versa. There was a lot of tension in the family because father-in-law was a compulsive gambler and blew most of what he earned while mother-in-law had to somehow hold the family together. But violence? I really don't think so.

I agree entirely. Drink does have that effect, particularly if you can't take it, which she can't. And she IS frustrated. She's too old to take any active measures to adjust the family finances, she has to rely on me, and she doesn't think I'm as reliable now as I was in the past. And, as I mentioned above, she did have a father who blew his income on gambling, so a lot of the frustration could be childhood leftovers coming out now.

No, you're right. And no, the neuro doesn't yet know, but the T and Pdoc do!

Oh, yes! Tried that! She LOVES me yelling, so she can YELL BACK! That's playing the game HER way!

I can see that I really do have to set up a private conference with her neuro. That's feasible because she's signed a HIPAA waiver. But she's made it plain she doesn't want me seeing her doctors without her being present, so I've been putting it off. And that's just what I have to do, see her doctors without her.

I don't think that kind of deception would work. Mrs. Ygrec was raised in a drinking culture and is quite sophisticated when it comes to any form of alcohol. I think she'd know immediately what had happened, from the first sip.

Mmmm. Nope. We have a reasonably big house. When she wants to hit me she usually has to come quite a ways to do it. I'll be sitting at my desk on the computer. She'll bust in in a fury and start lambasting me while I'm in the desk chair. Used to be, she'd start to cry after a while. And then I'd hug her and hold her and things would calm down. Not now. She just hits me over and over, screaming at me for all the things I've done wrong, and then runs away. What have I done wrong? I haven't rinsed the dishes correctly before putting them in the dishwasher. I messed up the inside of the refrigerator. I didn't take the garbage out on time. I messed up the cans in the pantry. Whatever!

Well, phoenix, that's about it. I WILL get together with her docs and let them know. I realize that I do have to keep liquor out of the house, anything whatsoever with alcohol in it. She'll drink anything with alcohol in it. Even vanilla extract. But that really, really gripes me because I really like a drink now and then. And I've never, ever had even one of the "signals of alcoholism" that are listed all over the place. I'm responsible. I don't ever get drunk. But I do like a drink now and then. Take care!

You can keep a lil stash Ygrec,and next to it some gum to hide the scent lol.Awwe,you are such a good hearted man.Maybe you could make the computer area facing the entrance of the room you use it in,and further away from the door,giving you a heads up.I loved the drawing her into a hug reply too.Bless you hon...thinking of you ~W~

If this is a new behavior I would definitely discuss it with her doctors. It could be any number of things. My grandmother suffered from Sun Downer’s. During the day, she was sweetness and light, but at night WOW. Maybe they will have some insight to give you.

I just wanted to say that I share your views that there is a difference between a man hitting a woman and a woman hitting a man. (Although I do not condone any abuse!) I have three sons, and I have raised them to believe that it is NEVER acceptable to hit a female. I do not believe this has anything to do with politics, it is my feeling that it has everything to do with manners. It may not be politically correct, it may very well be sexist but there you are.

I know there is no humor in your situation. But my favorite Aunt is barely five feet tall. Both of her sons were over 6 feet. When she got irritated she would take her slipper off and whap them with it. It did not hurt them, but they got the point! It was very comical to watch this tiny woman whacking her sons with her slipper. They had to be sitting down of course, and they tried very hard not to laugh themselves because they realized they’d crossed a line.

[quote=Ygrec23;2056827]That is so insightful of you Ygrec, maybe talking about this issue will ease her anxieties? Issues never go away unless they are worked through.

Sorry, Terry, that isn't going to happen. Unfortunately, Mrs. Ygrec just isn't up to seriously re-examining her feelings towards her parents. She's moving on towards accepting her own death, which is a very hard thing for many people. As part of that development, it's obvious to me that she wants to think as well as possible of her mother and her father. Long ago in the past she shared with me her very negative feelings about them. But, unfortunately, she's not a person who's comfortable thinking in terms of "grays". It's black or white for her.

And where she is in her journey right now, she very much wants to forgive and love her parents, which for her means downright denial of whatever bad things they may have done. I remember only too clearly her really deep feelings, long ago, about not getting Christmas presents when she was tiny, because dad had blown all the money, and about strange men beating on the door of their house trying to get money that dad owed them for gambling debts. She knew that then. And, of course, somewhere she knows that now.

But now is not the time to deal with those memories or feelings. I've made, myself, my peace with death (I think), but she has not. It's rougher for her. I don't know why, but that's the truth. I want to cooperate and help her in that development in whatever way I can. When you're our age "peace with death" is probably of number one importance. Thank you! Take care!

A walk on the beach. A visit to a garden. Lunch or dinner at a Thai restaurant. Wandering through Target or WalMart. Visiting a farmer's market. Looking at the plants and flowers on sale at a local nursery. Watching old movies on TV. Reading cookery books. All that kind of thing.

i wish!!!

She might not realize what she is doing to you. If only you could film her when she loses control and play it back for her...(just a stab in the dark here)

Ygrec, I have no words of wisdom but I wanted you to know that I have followed your thread with interest and feel deep empathy for both you and your wife.

It's true, she does have memory problems. (That's why she went to the neurologist in the first place.) Particularly for unpleasant memories. After a good night's sleep (she's a good sleeper), it's as if they hadn't happened. But I don't have one of those cameras, and the way it happens I doubt I'd be able to film her while she's hitting me. Take care!

Still listening,I feel much fondness toward you.Just saying.....

well they have those nanny cams. They are mounted to record a particular area or room. Of course not sure if you would want to go to such measures though, or even if the playback would help stop the hitting. Perhaps an Alzheimer's group or gerontology organization might have other suggestions? You sound like such a good, kind and selfless man, but please don't forget to take care of yourself also. (Like in those airplane emergency situations, we are taught to give ourselves oxygen first, so that we can then take care of others, like our children) Wishing you the happiness and peace that you deserve--Terry

No, I am not a good, kind and selfless man. I'm a totally self-centered, very reserved, silent schizoid who hasn't a huggy or kissy bone in his body and spends 98% of his time inside his own head fighting off a variety of painful mental sensations. My wife has good reason to be unhappy with her lot. She married a very damaged man and didn't find out until afterwards. She's tough. If we had basic financial security she could put up with even more than she has. But we don't and she can't and I can't blame her.

I would like to be a good, kind and selfless man. I think that's the way men (and women) should be. But for me at least that's kind of like wanting to be Abraham Lincoln, Leonardo da Vinci or Jesus Christ. No. In the great majority of possible ways I'm just a normal, average buffoon who's read more books than is good for him. And I'm glad we never had children because I just would have caused them pain too.

I'm sorry about that.

Aren't we all...

Ygrec23 - Let me start by saying that you have been very kind to me on the boards and I appreciate that, I am assuming you have been helpful to many on here, hence the amount of rave reviews regarding your character. I am saddened by your current situation and applaud your bravery for sharing. I used to drink to excess and verbally abuse my partner , although I am not proud of that fact. I equate it to "kicking the dog" , I would lash out when I was drunk and overcome wih my inner demons. I would lash out at her because she was my loyal companion and I knew she would always forgive me . Much like a person who has a bad day, comes home and kicks the dog out of that anger. The dog didn't do anything but the dog was "there" and is "safe" because a dog always forgives... Mans best friend. So maybe you should try not forgiving so easily. When my partner stop forgiving me , I finally had consequences for my actions and the dynamic changed. Regarding your inability to provide finacially like you once did, that is something that is out of your control, you didn't intentionally orchestrate this. It should also not be used to explain away this behavior or make it seem more acceptable to you. No one is perfect we have all made mistakes. I believe the description of your character by fellow PC members is exactly how we see you and you should own that, because your interaction with people on the forum has led to our perception. Also, you mention making peace with dying. That seems like a sad thing to spend what you see as a limited amount of life remaining making peace with something that you can't change. Somebdy said...It's not the years in your life that matter but the life in the years. I too spend alot of time in my head , safe there... I joke about being my own best friend. But I've decided , recently, I'm going to try to get out of my head and just experience thing instead of analyzing them. I'll let you know how that goes. I wish you could treat yourself with the same insight and kindness you treat us. Wishing you well. Lola

Hey, LolaCabanna!

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Originally Posted by LolaCabanna Much like a person who has a bad day, comes home and kicks the dog out of that anger. The dog didn't do anything but the dog was "there" and is "safe" because a dog always forgives... Man's best friend. So maybe you should try not forgiving so easily. When my partner stop forgiving me, I finally had consequences for my actions and the dynamic changed.

If we were in our thirties or forties, your recommendation would make a lot of sense to me. But my wife is an elderly lady (as I am an elderly man), and, according to her neurologist, is coming down with Alzheimer's or something like it. In that particular situation, with those facts in mind, I'm prepared not only to be forgiving with my wife, but forgiving with anyone in that kind of situation. And I do believe her doctors can get her to stop the egregious conduct. If that doesn't work (though I am quite sure it will), it will then be time to think about other measures.

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Regarding your inability to provide finacially like you once did, that is something that is out of your control, you didn't intentionally orchestrate this. It should also not be used to explain away this behavior or make it seem more acceptable to you. No one is perfect we have all made mistakes.

You're quite right: I haven't done anything wrong. But I certainly do wish that I could remove this basic cause of tension and distress between the two of us.

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I believe the description of your character by fellow PC members is exactly how we see you and you should own that, because your interaction with people on the forum has led to our perception.

I do own that. I'm a nice guy. I've been a nice guy all my life. I've been a professional nice guy too. That's what being a mediator is about, as far as I'm concerned. I've put up with correctable mental illness for far too long, and some of the blame for that is on me and some on my prior T's. But I can't recall that I've ever done anything terrible or treated anyone terribly.

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Also, you mention making peace with dying. That seems like a sad thing to spend what you see as a limited amount of life remaining making peace with something that you can't change. Somebody said...It's not the years in your life that matter but the life in the years.

Well, LolaCabanna, I don't know how old you are but it seems to me that when one gets past sixty the obvious (and substantial) benefits of "making peace with death" do become clearly apparent. At least they did to me, and I can't help but think that it would be a universally "good thing." "Making one's peace with death" permits one to concentrate on life with increased joy and attention to every moment of existence, without any brooding over what's inevitably going to happen. You may not be up there yet, but I'd advise you to consider thinking about the subject when you "arrive."

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I wish you could treat yourself with the same insight and kindness you treat us. Wishing you well. Lola

That's a truly gracious sentiment, Lola. Thank you indeed. Take care!

Hi

This is all so similar to what my best friend is going through.Of course he only told us after it just shocked him so much despite taking all of it , before.I asked him to go home o have dinner with her the ask her to leave and stay at her Mom's.She needs to get help but its best to separate for a few days.....
Being apart gave him enough time, strength, courage to get her out of his life!!!!Immediately when she left my husband and I listened to all his stories and the gory details.I wept at night and was so terribly disturbed.How could he be hurt like that.There are physical scars all hidden so we cant see. Divine intervention, his parents asked him to meet him overseas over a business matter so he is away now.Told his parents and they have asked him to kick her out of his life. he has the support. She (wife) tried to steal more money from him from internet banking and sent emails to all his friends but we stand by him.
Please leave her.She will not improve.Pls tell someone very close to you.We care.I knew something was wrong with her.I knew.I didnt know she was so evil to cause so much hurt and pain. Please leave.Please, please leave.Tell your friend and they can plan it in a smart way.Like I did!

Thank you, happy101, thank you very, very much! I can feel your sincerity and care right through your words. What your friend seems to have experienced in his marriage is terrible. His wife seems awful and malevolent. I do know plenty of women who could potentially fill that kind of scenario. But I do have to tell you that my poor wife is entirely incapable of such things, other than feebly attempting to hit me now and then. We've been married for oh so long, and we're old, and we don't have much family, and when you put it all together you get a totally different picture than your picture of your friend and his wife. So, no, we really won't separate. Most of the time is fine. Sometimes she has a little too much alcohol and gets angry. Not very often. Just now and then. It was after one of those episodes that I posted here on PC, feeling pretty disgusted with it all. But no, considering who we are, considering our history, considering our age, and considering my wife's "transgressions," we'll stay together to the end. Take care!

I don't have much to say or add but ((((Ygrec23)))) sorry to hear you are going through this right now.

It's much appreciated, geez. But there's good stuff happening at the same time. So things kind of balance out, I guess. Hope things are good with you!