[Elysium]

I am not sure where to start...?

I don't even know if I should even post about this but I don't have anyone to really talk to right now. I am doing an extra session with my T on Monday, but that seems so far away.

A month ago I had a friend from out of state come and stay with me. She has multiple medical problems and is on disability. Ultimately she needs an organ transplant, but there are so many other health issues that have to be taken care of first that her Doctors won't even consider it right now.

She also has some MH issues. She has Bi-Polar Disorder and possibly Schizo-affective disorder as well.

She lives in a rat-hole of a place and gets her healthcare through the county services where she lives, but it's crap so she's just getting even sicker. Her and I had had a romantic relationship in the past, and we have been friends for 15 years. I really wanted to help her and we had been talking for a while about her coming to California to visit. I was looking for a roommate so we decided that she would come down on a one month trial basis and we would see how we did living together. I was considering registering with her as Domestic Partners so I could put her on my insurance and she could get much better healthcare that she needs and so she could get out of her rat-hole living situation where she lived.

So, over the last month, things have been real stressful for both of us. She's in a new State, we moved, and she had some habits of living that I was having to remind her to stop doing...on a regular basis. It started out okay, but then she started lying to me. Then, my Cymbalta disappeared from my kitchen, and she takes Cymbalta too. I was concerned that she had taken it, and even asked her if she picked up my meds by mistake, but she denied it. I had to refill it and pay full price as insurance would not cover it. Then she tells me that she had been arrested for shopplifting and tresspassing and had been on probation....and it just went downhill from there.

Last week she was hell bent on buying bedroom furniture from the Salvation Army and she thought that her and I were going to move it all by ourselves, but I told her I didn't want to do that because of my Fibromyalgia and I didn't want to risk injury when I'm the only working and financially supporting the household. She hired two guys from CL to pick up the furniture and move it in.

Fast forward to the past two days. I had come to the decision it just wasn't working out for either of us. We were both making each other miserable, and I didn't think it was fair to either of us to look the other way and continue co-habitating when it wasn't working. Her and I talked and decided that she would fly home this coming Monday, and that the Roommate thing just wasn't going to work. She wrote me this nasty letter today stating that I owed her the money for all the furniture that she bought while she was here, and that I owed her money for the movers that she payed to move it into the house. She was well aware of the difficulties that were taking place in the relationship but she still chose to buy the furniture. I wrote her a letter back and told her I wasn't going to be responsible for that, especially since she had yet to pay her share of the rent which she said she would pay. I wrote her a letter and she came into my room with it stating that I admitted in my letter that I was aware I wasn't happy and that I led her on and that's why I owed her the money. I asked her to show me where I had stated that and I took the letter from her to look at it.....

That's when things got really bad. She grabbed me by my arm and twisted it around my back. She was trying to rip the letter out of my hand. She kept grabbing my wrists and upper arms trying to knock me to the ground and she was also stomping on my feet to try to knock me off balance. I was trying to get my arms free and was trying to push her off of me, but she is heavier than me and it wasn't working. I started to scream for help....but she was on top of me the whole time.

I was finally able to get free and I ran to my room and closed the door and got to my phone. I was able to call 911 and the Sheriff came. They took both our reports. She didn't have a scratch on her. The Sheriff took pictures of my arms and my feet and documented over 25 marks and bruises on my arms and feet. They arrested her for Domestic Violence/Assault and she is in jail tonight and will be arraigned later this month for a Felony.

Now....i'm just one big bruise. I hurt....physically and emotionally. I cried a little earlier, but now I just feel numb. I was really scared because she wouldn't stop hurting me. I really thought she was going to kill me because the look in her eyes was so fierce. She had this look on her face like she wanted to kill me. I was telling her to stop and telling her that if she didn't that I was going to call the police. She just kept coming at me and saying "Go ahead then, call them. Can't get your phone can you?"

I know this is long.....but T on Monday is so far away and I can't call my family with this.....they are so judgmental and not healthy....I feel alone right now. On one hand....it's good that she's no longer in this apartment, but on the other....I don't have anybody.

To top it off, even though I know she's in jail, she still has a key to the apartment and I am still afraid she's going to come back during the night and try and hurt me. It's ridiculous really....how could she do that if she's in jail....but it still scares me.

I do not want her to return here. She is not allowed to return here. Tomorrow I am taking her two suitcases and her things and driving them to the prison and dropping them off. They can be her storage facility...not me. I am getting a restraining order too.

I don't want this to sound like "poor me", but I was wondering if I could have some hugs. I really need some hugs right now. This just sucks.

[Yoda]

Can you get the locks changed pronto? Or can you force her to give up her key now that she is in prison?

[Elysium]

I don't know if I can do either. Because she is over 18, even though she is not the one paying the rent, she has to be on the lease. Since she is on the lease, she has a legal right to be in the apartment and gain entry. The Manager of my apartment complex said that her and I qualified for the apartment together, but because of my past credit issues, I could not qualify to remain on the lease alone.

One bright light in the distance is that a co-worker of mine is seriously considering rooming with me and WILL be paying one half the rent if she moves in. At that point, she will need to be on the lease, her and I will qualify together and we can drop this (ex) friend off all together. I'm feeling a little gun-shy though regarding another roommate situation. This co-worker and I do not have/haven't had any sort of romantic relationship so it would be strictly platonic, which I think would be best.

[addipaddi]

**hugs for you, hope you sort out this situation ASAP!! keep us posted**

http://www.expertlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4364

You don't owe her money for the furniture,she can just take it if she wants it,but,I recommend her being escorted by police,during the removal.As far as the locks,I'd take note of what type they are and replace them without even asking landlord,at this point what are the consequences?What do you have to lose?I mean hold onto the original,but,if she came to the apt,at least you'd have warning of her being there b4 she actually entered the apt.And keep a phone w/ you at all times.

Call your local police dept and ask them what you have a right to do in your case.

The link below is referring to california law,addressing evicting co tenant,
http://www.ehow.com/info_8022492_cal...subtenant.html

[alliwantislove]

stay strong! u ddnt do anything wrong! u were concerned for your safety. you did the right thing. hope u get better and things calm down.

[lynn P.]

I agree with the others and you should get the locked changed today and if she wants to get her belongings, you need to have the police escort her. I'm very sorry this happened to you ((Elysium)).

[NuckingFutz]

Hope you got the restraining order... the sooner the better. And the locks do need to be changed. These are 2 things you can do right now to protect yourself. You must have had major stress going on during this whole time. When I get stressed like that, I head here and start writing or chatting to keep my support network up.

I understand about the family thing... mine is the same way. They live in a different world than I do and sometimes see things from a neat little boxed in suburb and can't imagine having to deal with a situation like yours.

I'm sorry the friendship had to end, better to know than to not know.

Let us here how you are doing. We are here for you.

[Elysium]

So....I got the restraining order and a move out order filed today. I have only had contact with this woman's Mother to let her know that she was not allowed to come back and that she needed to go through the Sheriff's to set it up to get her belongings back or she would violate the order.

I had my locks changed tonight, which was kind of a pain. My landlord said that she would do it for me, but I had to provide her a copy of the restraining order so she could send it to the legal department. We are in California and the legal department is in Chicago....so by the time the order was faxed, their legal department was already closed for the night. This woman is set to be released tomorrow and she still had a working key....I was really stressed and freaked....very triggered by the whole idea that she could just walk right back in. So, I called and had the lock re-keyed and payed for it out of my pocket. My landlord said that was fine, however they won't reimburse me the $$ as it was for a personal problem. She said they would have charged me for it anyway if they had to do it.

At least now I have peace knowing she cannot get into my house. I know she's going to be pissed off and she doesn't have anywhere to go when she gets out. She doesn't know anyone down here and she has no way of getting back up to Oregon right now. I'm having a really hard time with the guilt....like I should reach out and help her...but on the other hand, she committed the act and she needs to be accountable and these are the consequences of her actions. As difficult as it is...I wash my hands of her. If she is smart, before she is release from jail she will speak with the staff and find out what her resources are for getting assistance with housing or funding so she can get back to her apartment in Oregon. It can't be my concern.

This has put my whole system in a tizzy. We are all so triggered by this and so scared, yet we feel really distant like it didn't happen to us and there is a wall up that is not letting us feel much of anything about this, except the anger.

I have been reluctant to talk about this here....I guess I feel like I'm supposed to be supportive and be everyone else's strength. I feel like everyone has their own problems and no one wants to hear me boo-hoo about my issues.

My T says it's because the few times I asked for help growing up, I didn't get the help and people either ignored me or joined in on the abuse. She says that reaching out for comfort feels foreign and unsafe.....and she is right...it does.

I hate feeling this vulnerable.

If we didn't want to hear you we could just 'turn the page' but,we do.Because it could be any one of us.You have every right as a human to live in peace w/in the walls of your shelter.You did not create her circumstance as they stand.Her actions were choices and so was the outcome.You DID reach out and help her,and this was the behavior she chose.She forced you to set limits for self preservation.You could always leave a note listing resources for shelter or other things,but,it may piss her off further.And you're correct,saying she needs to be held accountable,that's the only way we learn.I know it feels foreign and unsafe.I like to help and have a very difficult time letting anyone help.I don't really know why.You have done all that you needed to do,now just make sure you keep a phone nearby,and take care of yourself.

[NuckingFutz]

I'm glad you are safe. You can't take care of her and you at the same time, choose yourself. I think you need some time to get some serenity back into your life. Allow yourself to gain some privacy and balance back in as well.

Safe hugs to you and keep us posted.

[Elysium]

I go back to work tomorrow. It will be my first day back since the assault. I sent a message to my Manager because I had to take a sick day yesterday to get the restraining order so she is aware that I was assaulted.

I'm afraid I'm going to go to work and people are going to be looking at me....like my manager would have told them and they would be looking at me funny all day. I have bruises all over my arms....and I'm embarrassed and afraid that my co-workers will be looking at me all day and that it's going to be awkward. I'm afraid someone is going to be brave enough to ask me what happened.....and I don't want to talk about it.

I'm thinking of wearing a long sleeved shirt under my scrubs.....but it gets so hot in the lab as it is.

I'm dreading work. I'm sure I am just making things worse for me with this anticipatory anxiety, but I don't want people to see me tomorrow. I just want to go to work and be invisible.

Actually, I just want to hide for a while....and going to work is not consistent with hiding. Unfortunately I have no option with that. I must go to work. I can't let this one incident shut me down.....as much as I want to....and as much as it feels safer to do so.

I really just want to sleep...and sleep........and sleep for the next two days.

Because you have it in your head that people will 'know' or be 'looking at you' with particular thoughts in their head,you have created a mind set that is set up to harass you.
Odds are that no one outside your manager knows,and if they do,they probably feel for you.Whatever is going through their minds regarding your private life,isn't of concern to you,unless they are loved ones,or friends who are supportive of you.
If anyone inquires,gently communicate that you are "fine,the issue is remedied,and a thank you for your concern."
Gahh I understand the wanting to shut down.I am experiencing some things from husband with whom I will be initiating a divorce.Things are ugly,(not as bad as w/ you atm,but,it feels ominous to me).
One step,breath,issue,moment at a time.That is your concern.Just the moment you stand in.Don't worry about 5 min. from now,or yesterday.You only have power over this moment,and the strength is w/in you to effect the moment with being mindful of what's going on in your head,and,to find what positivity is there to grasp at.(Easy to say isn't it?)
*Huggs Elysium*
Love yourself hon.
~W~

[Elana05]

(((Elysium)))
This sounds like a really hard thing to have to go through.

But it sounds like you are giving it a lot of thought and taking good care of your self. Life throws us some crazy stuff. My heart goes out to you and I am sending many supportive thoughts. You deserve to be safe and treated as you would treat others. Be well.

[AAAAA]

(((((Elysuim))))) I am SO sorry that you are going through this right now. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. You saw a need, tried to be a compassionate human being and help. Unfortunately there are people in this world that are just takers. Stay safe and keep your head up! You stood up for yourself and that is never a bad thing!

[Elysium]

Just spoke with staff from the Jail and found out that this woman was just served the Restraining Order and Move-Out order about 1/2 hour ago. They will be releasing her from jail between now (8pm) and 1030pm tonight.

I'm real anxious right now, and I'm feeling pretty bad for her. She really has nowhere to go and I'm hoping she found some resources for temporary housing, or she found a shelter otherwise she's going to be out on the street. I don't think she has any money on her, unless a friend wired her some, but I doubt it.

I feel bad for her, but I am also going to stand my ground and she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. As guilty as I feel, I'm going to have to cope with that because there's no way I'm caving into the guilt.

The other thing is.....I'm scared. What if she disregards the restraining order and tries to come back to my place...in the middle of the night. It's very unsettling. T says that I will call the police and protect myself...I say to T "I can't call them if she kills me".

I try not to catastrophize the situation, but I really don't know what to expect from her right now and not knowing what to expect is leaving too much room for the PTSD to play mind games with me.

I really want to call my Mom....and just feel some comfort from her....but I know the likelyhood of that without judgment is not in my favor and the price would be too high.

Every movement I see outside is her....this is going to be a long night.

[bebop]

keep the phone by you at all times. if you hear her or see her call 911. they will put her back in jail since she has the restraining order and they know it. you will be ok hon.

Is there somewhere to stay the night other than there?Remember keeping the phone near you.See my private msg to you please.Ugh,worried.Update us k?You could also make a call for patrol to do drive bys now and then and inform them of situation.Generally,they'd be willing,when they have a free minute.my yahoo chat pops updates to this post so,I was pretty much notified(not sitting in the wings waiting for a post lol)

[Elysium]

Thanks you guys for all the support!! It's helpful to hear from you and it helps me feel less alone.

I promise I won't cave. It's really not a thought in my mind. It's just the fear that she's going to come here and expect me to cave, and if I don't, I don't know what she could do. I never expected her to be able to do what she did to me on Saturday.

I know I did what I could to help her, and she made her own decisions. She really burnt a bridge and there's no rebuilding.

I just need to do some self soothing and relaxation....and just take one moment at a time. Ugh....it really is so easy to say...my internal therapist is in over-drive, yet so is the PTSD.

I'm going to go make a little dinner. I don't have much appetite, but I'm going to try.

I'm going to sleep with my phone in bed with me....under my pillow.....and maybe even sleep with my Pepper Spray.

[Open Eyes]

Remember you have changed the locks Elysium so she cant get in. And you could always put a chair tilted and under the door knob so you can hear if she tries.

You did your best to help her, you can't put yourself in danger, your actually being very strong and upholding your boundaries, for a person with PTSD, thats really good.

Just make sure that in the morning when you leave the building she isn't outside somewhere. I hate to add anything that will make you nervous but I also didn't want you to go out to work in the morning and not make sure she wasn't around.

I am so sorry that you tried to reach out as a kind person only to have to face someone with more issues than you had realized. I truely hope all works out and she will move on and out of your life for good now.

Make sure you check in and let us all know your ok so we don't worry. I will say prayers for you tonite.

Open Eyes

Thata Girl!

[Elysium]

Phew....

Well...I made it through last night. Other than lots of anxiety and fear (YUCKY!!), the night went by without any trouble. This woman got released from jail and I don't know what she did or where she stayed but she did not attempt to come back to my apartment. So far she has not been problematic.

I did get a call from the Sheriff this afternoon, on my way home from work, and he stated that she wanted to pick up a few of her things from my storage unit tonight because she was going to try to go home. He said that he was aware of the restraining order and that he wanted to see if it could be set up so he could go pick up her things for her. She only asked for her wallet, her other medications, and her c-pap machine, but she had two large suitcases, a back pack, and four full trash bags of belongings. I told the Officer that I would be happy to meet him to give him her things. He called back later and said he spoke with the man at the storage place and asked if I could pull her things out and place them in a corner so she could pick them up later. I said yes.

When I got to the storage unit, the guy working their said that she had come in earlier in the day trying to get them to let her into my storage unit. When she first came to stay with me, I put her name on the account just in case, but after she did what she did on Saturday, I went to the storage place and removed her from the account. The guy at the storage place was nice enough to tell her to go jump in a lake and he wouldn't let her in. He said she started to go all "cookoo for cocoa-puffs" on him and he threatened to call the police on her if she didn't leave.

So....I told the Sheriff that she had more than three things in my storage and he said she only wanted her three things so she could get home. When I got to the storage, I pulled ALL OF IT out. I am the one paying for the storage closet. She is not compensating me for that, so why should I store her things while she runs back to Oregon and just leaves me with it. Don't think so. I loaded it all on the big rolling cart and wheeled it into the office. The guy working said that when she came in he was going to tell her she needed to take all of the stuff and leave the premises and look through it somewhere else. I guess she told him earlier that she wanted to look through stuff. I told him that was a good plan and to tell her anything she didn't want or couldn't take home she could throw in a dumpster. He chuckled and said "that's right".

I was still feeling bad for her tonight. I think though it was more of a feeling bad for her like I would feel bad for anyone that was on the street without a place to be. I do feel sad for her. Things could have been very different for her and her life. Her abusive actions are what led her to be in the position she is in...but I'm sure she's finding some way to justify it and blame me for it.

Oh well. As long as she leaves me alone and complies with the restraining order, I have nothing to say about what she does with the rest of her life. I think the anger is starting to set in more now....but I wash my hands of her.

I just wish the bruises would heal faster. They're embarrassing....and I feel like everyone is looking at them and thinking that I'm pathetic for letting someone do that to me.

[Open Eyes]

Good Elysium,
thanks for letting us know your ok and you got through the night and even the day.
Your actually doing very well with this considering the PTSD and your keeping a good head and holding your boundaries, good for you.

I undersand how you feel about knowing that she is kind of lost but you did try and your not a doctor or a psychologist in anyway, she was more than you could handle and you tried, you opened your heart and gave her a possible path and she just blew it. And you didn't allow her to put you on her patsy list and that is progress for you.

You have actually been working hard at taking care of yourself and you had two operations to help you get yourself in better health all around. So thats progress and good for you. Often is takes a lot of strength to just say no and stand your ground, your learning that, it isn't always easy but we have to learn how to take care of ourselves and be strong.

And you learned something else too, you can actually come to PC for you if you need to reach out yourself. And you now know people care and are here to support you too.

Open Eyes