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#1
Oct 08, 2011, 11:21 PM
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I have been dating this gentlemen for over a year, and most days I am super happy with him. Well after he sorted out some of his issues. The only problem I have with him now, is he is an alcoholic that drinks socially, maybe one night every other weekend. My concern is, that when he does drink, he does not know how to stop. He also gets that typical, arrogant asshole mentality and ends up saying things to intentionally hurt my feelings. I forgive him instantly because he is drunk. But at the same time I think. The truth comes out when your drunk. So does he really think this about me and just didn't want to voice it? When he is sober he is an awesome loving, caring boyfriend and he is great with my daughter. He treats her as if she were his own. Even drunk he still treats her exceptionally well, its just me he is rude to. He always ends up apologizing as is standard with most alcoholics. I am just getting to the point where it is to much for me. I love him, I really do. I just doubt I can tolerate the Drinking any longer. Does feeling this way make me a bad person? I mean, My father is a recovering alcoholic, my uncle is an alcoholic well honestly most of my family is. I just don't know how to communicate with him that he needs to seek help seriously and allow me into his AA life. (He is court ordered to go to AA twice a week.) I have repeatedly asked him if I could accompany him, but he says that is a part of his life that he wants to keep to himself. I went to one meeting with him. But after that meeting he hasn't let me go with him. I guess I am just frustrated and out of ideas.
Thanks to whomever takes the time to read this, I really just need to vent and get these feelings out of my head that way they don't eat me alive. Megan |
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#2
Oct 09, 2011, 01:47 AM
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Hi Megan
I am sorry that your boyfriend is treating you this way, He has no right to talk to you like this when he has drink down his throat, Have you told him how you feel? |
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#3
Oct 09, 2011, 03:18 AM
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He probably doesn't want you to go to AA meetings because you could tell them he is still drinking and he won't be able to lie about being sober.
I don't see much future in the relationship until he takes personal responsibility for his behavior. You don't have to let him say those things to you and saying that he 'only' does it when he is drunk is enabling him to continue both the drinking and the way he treats you. You can do what you want but if I were in that situation I would end the relationship. Best of luck.
__________________
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous Last edited by Yoda; Oct 09, 2011 at 03:58 AM. Reason: grammar |
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#4
Oct 09, 2011, 03:54 AM
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Of course it doesn't make you a bad person!!! It's just that Children of Alcoholics tend to gravitate towards the same type of people because that's what they're used to!
You would be well-served to break this off, because this is only going to get worse, and you're in for a lot of heartache. I say this because *I'm* a recovering alcoholic and I know how "we" are.  Since he doesn't think he has a problem, he certainly won't cut back his drinking, and NO ONE can make him do it. HE has to want to stop drinking more than anything else. It doesn't sound like that is on the horizon for him.Get yourself away from this. It's only going to cause chaos & resentment. I wish you the very best. God bless & take care. Hugs Lee |
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#5
Oct 09, 2011, 08:36 AM
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I think the greater denial is yours. Please consider attending Al-Anon meetings with your daughter and let your boyfriend reach his true bottom.
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#6
Oct 09, 2011, 05:30 PM
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I'm a lifelong depression sufferer and made the mistake of marrying into an alcoholic family. To put it mildly, their issues have only negatively impacted me. I believe your issues dealing with the alcoholics in your family will compound---you don't need to add more.
There is a tremendous amount of research regarding alcohol and the patterns it creates in relationships. I would seek a counselor regardless of your boyfriend. I don't know how severe your depression gets, if it gets severe I don't know how well any alcoholic can help you deal with it. I made this mistake 30 years ago----put yourself first. Al-anon meetings are a good start.
__________________
And thou, too, whosoe' er thou art, That readest this brief psalm, As one by one thy hopes depart, Be resolute and calm. So fear not in a world like this, And thou shalt know erelong, Know how sublime a thing it is, To suffer and be strong.----Henry Longfellow.(The light of stars) |
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#7
Oct 09, 2011, 05:33 PM
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Hi Megan:
I am sorry you are struggling. There is no excuse for the way he is acting, but if you continue to accept the apologies there will be no change. You have alcoholism in your family, so you may have grow used to this chaos. There is a better life out there for you, and peace. Also, we teach our children how to have adult relationships by watching us, and I'm sure you don't want your daughter to learn that getting drunk and abusing a loved one is acceptable. We teach others how to treat us, and I am afraid you have taught him it is ok to behave like this, I am sure this was not your intent. It is no way your fault, and you can't make someone drink, but you can make a decision today to not allow yourself to be treated like this any more. |
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#8
Oct 09, 2011, 06:07 PM
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All I can say is that he is a binge alcoholic and even though you love him, it is a hard life. My husband was the same and it took a lot out of me. That anger toward you while he is drinking? Thats guilt and thats because he does feel guilty when he drinks he knows you don't like it. However some men are mean when they drink. He treats you daughter like his own? Whoa, make sure he is not too close and your not missing something there.
He has to want to seriously change his life and stay sober and he must attend meeting and just to let you know, in case you don't know already, there is such a thing as dry drunk and even when they are sober they can get that attitude off and on and guess who is on the receiving end, right, YOU. So you have a lot to think about, YOU have to take care of YOU and not become a codependant. Open Eyes |
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#9
Oct 10, 2011, 07:34 PM
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It's good that you need and want to vent but what are your plans in your future. Now keep in mind that I'm asking about your life and not his. What do want in your life? I'm proud of you that you're aware of his flaws but now you have choices. Do you want to stay with him, do you want to seek relationship advice on how to stay in the relationship, do you want to leave but don't know how? You've expressed alot about his life but you haven't said anything about what you want for you life.
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#10
Oct 12, 2011, 02:32 PM
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I want him in my life. He has asked me to help him sober up, I just do not know how to do that. Aside from not allowing him to get drinks and such. But even then I can't hover and caudal him, it is his decision to get sober, he has to want it. As far as mine and my daughters life, I want him in it, and I want all of us to be financially stable, through with school and able to take family vacations. I want to get married, build a house, and live the "American Dream".
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#11
Oct 12, 2011, 03:38 PM
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Quote:
imo, if you want the american dream, as long as he drinks it will be better referenced as the american nightmare. if you stay with him while he continues to drink you will be part of the problem not part of the solution. your life and your daughters life will be a living hell. Quote:
oh and you may want to post in the addictions forum. lots of career drinkers there who are now sober. it may enlighten you getting their replies.
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand |
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#12
Oct 12, 2011, 03:57 PM
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__________________
Keep this in mind, that you are important. |
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#13
Oct 12, 2011, 07:47 PM
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The to of us have agreed to attend AA and al-anon meeting together. To show him that I support him becoming sober, and for me to learn how not to enable him. I know this will be a long road ahead, but i suffered with my father whom is a recovering alcoholic as well as most of the men in my family. They were never physically abusive to me, but they did yell alot. I hope to break this cycle for my daughter.
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#14
Oct 16, 2011, 07:31 PM
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You mentioned that you "HOPE" to break the cycle of verbal abuse for your daughter-the type of abuse you endured from abusive drinkers. I'm sorry--I'm trying to be honest and supportive--but it appears this boyfriend will PERPETUATE the abuse. No child should have to endure verbal abuse from a parent.
You also never mentioned whether you drink.
__________________
And thou, too, whosoe' er thou art, That readest this brief psalm, As one by one thy hopes depart, Be resolute and calm. So fear not in a world like this, And thou shalt know erelong, Know how sublime a thing it is, To suffer and be strong.----Henry Longfellow.(The light of stars) |
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