I'm assuming the reason the man who I've been having a so-called long distance relationship has lost interest in me since the chase is over. We flirted for a few months via Facebook email & text message and finally got together once he came home for a visit. We spent a whole month talking almost daily until he came home for another visit. While he was here he told me that he might move back & I told him I'd be interested in spending more time with him. Since he left town to go back home, he quit contacting me. I email & he doesn't even respond. We've had random comment chat on Facebook, but that's it.

He said all the right things to me and I fell for it. I feel like a damn fool

He chased me, he got me, & now he's done with me. Unbelievable. I've known this man for 18 years. We've always liked each other. I would have never expected this from him. If anything, I thought we were friends....AND I know for sure that he really liked me. It's like, as soon as he knew he had me, he bailed.

Why do men do this?? I'll never understand this. It makes me so mad. We're talking about a 44 year old man, for pete's sake!

[dolfan99_34]

I wouldn't read much into it yet. Remember to get out of FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real - visualize how you want things to be, focus on the positive, focus on what you DO want.

I'm having to do that right now myself. If I continued to allow the negatives to influence me I'd end up losing the best thing that ever happened to me.

[lad007]

Sorry you are being treated like this. You have to be very specific with men about what you want, if you are looking for a long term commitment you have to let them know that. Sounds like he either just wanted a hook-up, or just decided he did not want to pursue the relationship. So keep looking, but if marriage and kids is your goal make sure they are on the same page as you before you invest your heart. You may have to kiss a few frogs before you find the prince.

I do eventually want a long term committment although, he & I didn't talk about that too much in detail. He did tell me that he isn't ready for a committed relationship NOW because he's still trying to figure out what to do about his job in another state (where he's living) & that he feels he has to figure out what he's doing with his career. Trying to possibly move back home & get out of the business he is currently in. I completely understand, but I guess being the romantic that I am, I just figured that since we've always liked each other & theres 18 years history there that he'd at least be cool to me. This disappearing act he's done has been a total shock to me. I would have NEVER expected this from him. Like I said before, I thought if anything, we were friends. What he's doing now is just disrespectful in my book.

I feel so rejected & foolish. I think the worst part for me is again, I knew he liked/likes me & I feel like I must have done something to scare him off. I feel like a silly little girl. The silly girl he knew 18 years ago. I'm now 40.

The chemistry between us was incredible. He said all the right things & I fell for it. Although, I realize once romance comes into play things change for men.

This is killing me.

It is not uncommon for two people to carry on a long-term online and/or phone-based relationship and then have it fall apart when they finally get in the same room together. It's just two different realities. You can really convince yourself of anything while chatting away online. You can convince yourself that you have a romantic relationship if you want to. I have heard people refer to people they've only known online (and never in person) as boyfriend/girlfriend; how ridiculous is that? Then you factor in that you've known them before, you're reconnecting and it seems like old times and there's your recipe for disaster. The way I see it, this is a "virtual dating" problem, fueled also by your past history with him.

I might as well spill, briefly...I too, reconnected with an old grade school flame, someone I'd also spent romantic time with briefly over the intervening yrs until she got married in the mid-90s. We reconnected after her divorce, I forget the circumstances. The main thing to remember here is that I had this "image" of her from ages ago, front and center of my consciousness, ok? This is what I envisioned as we wrote and chatted and so on, with her. The last time I dated her, in my early 20s, we both talked about moving to N. Africa and writing and painting. Okay, we were dreaming large, I admit. But that was the last serious time I spent with her, so fast forward to a few yrs ago and I've heard she's gotten divorced and there's of course still some lingering chemistry but after a few dates and talking about our career plans, I realize it's never going to work, and it's certainly never going to be like it was 15 yrs ago. In fact, though I really care deeply for her, the spark was not really there and sadly, I used the pretext that the distance and work schedules were the problem when in actuality, it was that I no longer felt the spark. When you really love a person, you do anything to make it work, right?

This may be the case for your friend but I would at least allow for the possibility that he was very sincere about his intentions but when he realized that he was not capable/no longer desired what you had talked about with him over previous months, he was ashamed, embarrassed, incapable of articulating his change of heart-and simply bolted without a word. This does not make him a bad person, nor does it mean his feelings were not genuine, it just means that when faced with the actual reality of the situation vs. what had been in his mind all those months, it was no longer feasible or desirable. It also does not excuse him from leaving like a thief in the night. My two centavos.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by redpisces26

I'm assuming the reason the man who I've been having a so-called long distance relationship has lost interest in me since the chase is over. We flirted for a few months via Facebook email & text message and finally got together once he came home for a visit. We spent a whole month talking almost daily until he came home for another visit. While he was here he told me that he might move back & I told him I'd be interested in spending more time with him. Since he left town to go back home, he quit contacting me. I email & he doesn't even respond. We've had random comment chat on Facebook, but that's it.

He said all the right things to me and I fell for it. I feel like a damn fool

He chased me, he got me, & now he's done with me. Unbelievable. I've known this man for 18 years. We've always liked each other. I would have never expected this from him. If anything, I thought we were friends....AND I know for sure that he really liked me. It's like, as soon as he knew he had me, he bailed.

Why do men do this?? I'll never understand this. It makes me so mad. We're talking about a 44 year old man, for pete's sake!

In my experience, men can like a woman, spend time with a woman, have sex with a woman, have "chemistry" with a woman, use a woman for their own wants and desires, and still walk away without a word. The more amenable the woman, the more accommodating the woman, the less demanding the woman (and probably the farther away the woman) the easier the man can do this. I will add that I believe the same situation can apply to women doing this to men and to men doing it to other men, and women doing it to other women--don't want to be a sexist). The simple answer to your question "Why do men do this" [why does anyone do this?"] is: Because they can and because they get away with it. I'm not trying to be funny; I am pointing out a fact. I make no excuses for the people who do these things; there could be many additional details and circumstances to each situation, but in your case, the fact that he is still communicating with you however casually tells me he hasn't mysteriously disappeared and/or is not hospitalized in a coma, nor is he suffering from amnesia. I've seen all kinds of reasons and excuses offered (worrying about career is a popular one) but the actual situation remains the same: the person who wanted a relationship is left to wonder what happened? You have three options. Stop communicating with him without explanation. Tell him the way you see things and let him answer (or not) or keep communicating casually without mentioning "hey I feel like you led me on..." In the future, regard your heart as something precious and to be wooed and won by someone worthy of it, and don't rush into sex--or marriage, for that matter. There are also plenty of people who regard spouses as disposable as sex partners.

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

In my experience, men can like a woman, spend time with a woman, have sex with a woman, have "chemistry" with a woman, use a woman for their own wants and desires, and still walk away without a word. The more amenable the woman, the more accommodating the woman, the less demanding the woman (and probably the farther away the woman) the easier the man can do this. I will add that I believe the same situation can apply to women doing this to men and to men doing it to other men, and women doing it to other women--don't want to be a sexist). The simple answer to your question "Why do men do this" [why does anyone do this?"] is: Because they can and because they get away with it. I'm not trying to be funny; I am pointing out a fact. I make no excuses for the people who do these things; there could be many additional details and circumstances to each situation, but in your case, the fact that he is still communicating with you however casually tells me he hasn't mysteriously disappeared and/or is not hospitalized in a coma, nor is he suffering from amnesia. I've seen all kinds of reasons and excuses offered (worrying about career is a popular one) but the actual situation remains the same: the person who wanted a relationship is left to wonder what happened? You have three options. Stop communicating with him without explanation. Tell him the way you see things and let him answer (or not) or keep communicating casually without mentioning "hey I feel like you led me on..." In the future, regard your heart as something precious and to be wooed and won by someone worthy of it, and don't rush into sex--or marriage, for that matter. There are also plenty of people who regard spouses as disposable as sex partners.

I deleted his number from my cell phone so I'm not tempted to text him and I've deactivated my Facebook account. Of course, deactivating my FB account has me wondering if he'll notice that I'm missing & he'll wonder why & contact me. I'm not holding my breath.

Anyway, I've done this sort of as a detox. I don't want to be able to view his profile (stalk him to see what he's up to, lol) or contact him in any way. I decided I need a break & hopefully, this will be good for me. I can't even look at his profile. I can't take a chance at him having casual comment chat with me, which I will undoubtedly, read something more into.

[IceCreamKid]

I think you are doing the right thing. He should have replied to your email; actually, I think he should have replied with a phone call, considering you do actually know each other, but my guess was he didn't want to own up to what he was going to do, which is pretend you are only barely acquainted Facebook friends.

I forgot to mention something about the situation. He is friends with my son's father. We've all known each other for the past 18 years.

He mentioned to me that he is afraid that my ex would find out about us and asked me to keep quiet. I told him I'd never say a word.
I told him that if my ex, his friend, ever found out that he probably wouldn't care. He has a girlfriend and we haven't been together for 12 years now. He doesn't care what I do or who I do it with...even if it is a long time 'friend'.

The thing about it is this: my ex has never had very stellar things to say about this man. He has made fun of him behind his back and said very poor things about him as a person in general. I always took my ex's comments with a grain of salt because my ex is ruled by his ego 120% and over the years I always thought of him to be jealous of this man for various reasons. They are definitely buddies and always will be even with the miles between them, but my ex will always be less than nice when it comes to what he has to say about him behind his back. He can be very two-faced.

This may sound really silly since we are talking about 2 grown men in their 40's, but my ex is one of these big angry bully type of guys who other men look at as a threat. As in, 'don't piss off that guy because you might get punched'.

It's so ridiculous, but it's the truth. It makes me mad to think that this man that I connected with would be such a wuss, if you will.

Then again, if he cared enough about me, he wouldn't care what my ex would think or do and he'd just be with me.

Ugh.

[unaluna]

Lesson for all of us here is: ask PC first! I have a married couple that I am friends with that I now always introduce or at least discuss ANY matters of the heart with. Keeps me from doing anything (or should I say anyONE) I will regret in the morning!

And remember, if son's father or ANYBODY possibly connected to him asks you anything about it, deny, deny, deny.

Originally Posted by hankster

Lesson for all of us here is: ask PC first! I have a married couple that I am friends with that I now always introduce or at least discuss ANY matters of the heart with. Keeps me from doing anything (or should I say anyONE) I will regret in the morning!

And remember, if son's father or ANYBODY possibly connected to him asks you anything about it, deny, deny, deny.

I don't think I agree with you...completely at least. In my opinion, we are all adults and if someone were to ask me if I was involved with said man, I don't think I should have to deny, i.e. lie about it. I may not give out graphic details, but why should I have to deny anything??

I also think that it is a little unrealistic to always discuss matters of the heart with friends before doing anything that may mess with our heart, so to speak. Again, as an adult, we make our own decisions, are responsible for our own actions, and in the end are going to do what we want anyway. Friends or even professionals opinions are not always going to be the right thing for us. If I went by what a certain girlfriend of mine always has to say about my life and what I sometimes do, I'd be living in a dark closet by myself for the rest of my life. Lol.

I guess I just believe in taking chances in life. If it feels right, you're never going to know if it really is right unless you try.

[unaluna]

Hey pisces, you are right on so many levels. One, I do isolate, two, I don't make even the simplest decision or move right now without consulting T. Is that a good way to live? No. But I THINK better than how badly I was messing things up before, but really still not very good. It is certainly not my place to judge or advise you. it sounds like you are choosing to face life and love head on, and that can only inspire us scaredy-cats! thanks, and I am sorry for being so bossy. I don't know when to quit sometimes.

[St406]

I'm sorry about your disappointment regarding this man. As a man I would never walk away from any relationship or person in such a manner regardless of what I felt.

My thoughts.regarding feedback....I think our emotional decisions, especially those involving partners, clearly have the potential to be the most costly and damaging in our lives--and frequently are. When looking at a possible romantic partner too many issues can cloud our perception. An outsider can see unhealthy dynamics that we will be blind too. I think somehow getting feedback from others who know us is good. Of course our therapist, if we had one, could offer insight/feedback but friends or even something like this forum allow others to see what we might not want to.

This doesn't pertain to your situation obviously but I use it to make my point bluntly regarding getting "a second opinion" with partners . ---If and when you are in Criminal Court, Family Court or Civil Court regarding the actions of a partner (assault, child support, property theft, property division, etc.)----you won't be able to find the words "love" or "emotions" anywhere in the laws that will govern your case.

[Perna]

It sounds like he had/has a lot on his plate and was just making you his broccoli which he knew was probably good for him but he didn't particular like?

He doesn't sound like a very good coordinator (as well as a wuss); he should know you and your husband haven't been together for 12 years and that your husband has a girlfriend, what kind of friend doesn't even know that much about his friend? He doesn't even sound like a good friend, never mind love. Not knowing whether he's moving back or not before engaging your interest; sounds like he mentioned the whole thing just to get himself more options.

Originally Posted by Perna

It sounds like he had/has a lot on his plate and was just making you his broccoli which he knew was probably good for him but he didn't particular like?

He doesn't sound like a very good coordinator (as well as a wuss); he should know you and your husband haven't been together for 12 years and that your husband has a girlfriend, what kind of friend doesn't even know that much about his friend? He doesn't even sound like a good friend, never mind love. Not knowing whether he's moving back or not before engaging your interest; sounds like he mentioned the whole thing just to get himself more options.

I believe you may be completely right.