[Sallygolightly]

Hi all,
I apologise in advance for how long-winded this may be, but maybe more details could help.

After a very poor attempt at cheating on me a few years ago, I took a self-esteem stumble and asked my then boyfriend not to look at porn anymore, simply because it made me feel worse.
He agreed, but I discovered a few times that he would wait until I left for work and then would look at his 'fettish' porn, which is pantyhose.

Anyway, this always pissed me off but it never became so bad that I wanted to leave him.
However, we got married during the summer. The month following, we moved house to a town 60 miles away. He had to move first to start his new job while I stayed behind and tied up loose ends, then we moved in together.
When we moved into our new house, I found out that he had been looking at porn during our month apart. I was torn between understanding that he was lonely, and also being annoyed because he has plenty of photographs of me similar to what he was looking at.
Anyway, whilst rummaging around his internet and self-inflicting pain onto myself, I discovered that he had also looked at lots of Cross dressing porn, most of it was just as graphic as gay porn, lots of penises and bending over, only they were dressed like women.
I asked him about it, and he admitted to being interested in cross dressing, hugely curious and had delved into it a little himself.
I wasn't annoyed at all about hearing this, exept that I wish he had told me before we were married.
In a similar conversation, he also shared that he thought he was bisexual.
This was extraordinary to hear as my husband is quite simply the most manliest man I have ever met. Not in appearance, but in the sense that he is a neanderthal. Which is once of he reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.
We spent a lot of time talking about this over the course of a few months, and the more we talked about it, the more my husband expressed an interest in having same-sex relations. He admitted to looking at not just the CD porn, but gay porn too.
He has seemed very pained about this, almost like he knows he wants to, but also knows (or thinks) that he shouldn't. Like its wrong, or shameful.
We talked about it so much, and he became so sad and fustrated that I realised that underneath the man I married, there is a potentially gay man, scared and hiding.
I absolutely adore my husband, not for all the normal reasons that we love someone, but also because he is so tender underneath his exterior. I couldn't stand seeing him upset, or sad, or fustrated and so I told him if having sex with another man was something he needed to do to, then I would support him.
He seemed immediately relieved, and I seriously regretted saying that, but I love him so much, I want him to be happy even if it isn't with me.

Anyhow, the immediate issue is, the last few weeks he has been actively looking for a local gay guy to meet up with and 'experiment' with.
I explained to my husband that this was going to be a seriously large turning point in both of our lives.
That if he did this, but didn't enjoy and thought himself straight, then I would be glad he cleared his mind of his uncertainty, but returning to a marriage with him having had sex with another man would be very difficult, and jealousy and everything else could make it near impossible to return to our 'normal'.
And that if he did it, and enjoyed it, and confirmed that he is gay, then there would be no hope for our marriage.
He said that that was what he was scared of, and I told him I would always love and support him, and that more than anything he has always been my best friend, and I would remain his.

The ease of which he accepted this knocked the reality of it into me. And now I am terrified.
I feel awful that I supported this, and encouraged it, almost. Like I'm ending the marriage myself. But I didn't want to tell him, no! absolutely not! push those feeling deep down inside and ignore them, because I'm sure they would surface again. Maybe in the future when we had been married for years and had more children. (We have a 2 year old son.)

(My husband and I have a fantastic sex life, I should add. Well, its not as amazing as it was at the start. But I know that he finds me attractive, and I turn him on. He says he loves me and my body. We've been through stages where I would try to have sex with him and he's been distant. But on the whole, there hasn't really been a huge difference in our sex life together. I'm not sure if this would mean that he is not gay?)

But now I don't really know what to do. Either way I am terrified. I love him so much, I have never been as happy as I have been since this all came out into the open. But I can't help feeling that I'm to blame, for allowing it. But if I didn't, I would be responsible for allowing my husband to repress feelings that could potentially hurt him more in the future.

I've tried very hard to convince him to go to counselling, to talk to someone about this before diving into the physical part of it, but he adamently refuses to. I thought about going to counselling myself, encouraging him to come with me which I know he would do, and maybe seeing if he can talk about it at the same time, but that almost feels like tricking him, and that wouldn't be fair.
I want him to come to terms with this all at his own rate, I just wish I knew about this before we got married.

Can anyone please give me some help here? Even just someone telling me that I'm doing the right thing would help. Or tell me that I'm doing the wrong thing, and advise me on what to do. I'm going along with this according to instinct, I've never known anyone who's gone through this, and I don't really know how to approach it in my mind.
We're both communicating honestly about how we feel, but for some reason I feel like I need someone else's opinion, I feel like we're in a little bubble, detatched from reality.

Thank you in advance. And I'm sorry my writing is so formal, but I don't feel yet like I can put my emotions into this for fear that I will have a break down.

S

[Confusedinomicon]

I wish I had better advice to give. All I can do is give you a hug and hope for the best. :'(

I can tell you really love and care for this other human being. Your love for him is so great, you can recognize that maybe there is a "repressed gay man" and you want him to be happy. I can just say you're amazing for showing that much compassion.

[LylaJean]

Sally, you're totally doing the right thing, and experiencing the right things, and I completely get how you must feel. I wouldn't necessarily say that if he enjoys sex with a man your relationship is over. I mean, he enjoys sex with you, too, right? If he enjoys sex with you, as your husband, it doesn't much matter what else he might enjoy because you're in a monogomous relationship. I may enjoy sex with a woman or with someone/something else but it wouldn't matter because, I enjoy sex with my husband, and he's all I get anyways. Does that make sense? Anyways, best wishes. I think your relationship is very strong and mature since you're both being so accepting and embracing eachother through this. I hope you can continue handling it as you have been, come what may. Keep us posted please!

[notz]

Welcome to PC! I think you have found a warm and supportive place.

I would recommend a therapist for both of you, you especially. Regardless of what happens, you need a trained person for guidance.

Personally, I believe a fantasy (same sex relations/sex outside marriage) is one thing, but when someone acts on those feelings, everything changes. Especially for you and the child.

Since you're not sure what's been going on...please use protection/condom during sex now. And if he does have sex outside your marriage, please, please use a condom.

Post here, post often.

[lynn P.]

(((Sallygolightly)) - when I read your post, I was amazed at what a beautiful soul you are....how unselfish and loving you are to your husband. You're right, he needs to find these answers himself and having him deny his desires wouldn't be the answer. I agree you both need some professional guidance through this. Giving him the gift of friendship even if he pursues this is a wonderful and difficult gesture. I don't see you as a fool who being taken advantage of - you're handling this with dignity and compassion but do get some professional guidance. I wish you the best on life.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with everyone. You're doing great; you're so kind and compassionate. I also agree that the first order of business should be to get a therapist for yourself. The second step, for me, would actually be to ask your husband to slow down a little. I think it would be perfectly okay for you to say "Hey, I know I said go for it, but I'm having some issues dealing with my own emotions at the moment. I'd like for us to slow things down a little, let me start some therapy, and get myself to a safe place before we move forward on this." You can reiterate that you aren't taking this away from him, you just need more time to adjust. It's a little surprising to me how quickly he jumped on it and began his hunt. You have to remember, that even though you love your husband, you still have to do what is best for you. I also think you should consider setting up some ground rules for the future. For instance, what if he decides he's bi and enjoys being married to you and being intimate with you, but also enjoys intimacy with men? Does doing it once automatically mean you're in an open relationship? I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to think about the future a little. There is always the possibility that he'll do it with another guy, and realize he's bi, but wants to stay in a monogamous, committed relationship with you and just you. Which ever way it turns out, I still think therapy for you should be your priority to sort out whatever feelings you are already going through and will have in the future.

Good luck. Warm, safe thoughts sent your way

[Sloane]

Dearest Sally...

I know you feel as though you are at the edge of a cliff nobody else has ever been on. Well, I have been where you are now even if some of the history and facts are different. I would really like to grab your hand and pull you from the edge as there are people who have survived this and even thrived from the experience. Again, I am one of them. I am here to offer you my complete support. I do not think this forum is appropriate to discuss the details in as the journey has been long and windy. Please private message me, and we can go from there. It would be great if we could speak over the telephone, ideally. But a PM exchange is the first step.

I want to say I can see how much you love your husband as you are willing to set him free for his own happiness despite the distress it will cause you. As far as your physical relationship with him, you need to be very careful at this point and in moving forward. I highly recommend you do not engage in any intimate sexual relations with him. Once he crosses the line, he is potentially exposing himself to multiple STD's and HIV/AIDS. Even if you use a condom during sex, you can still catch multiple STD's like climydia, herpes, syphilis, amongst others even if he used a condom when he engaged with another man. By mere contact in an intimate fashion, one can pass on these diseases whether or not he uses a condom during actual penetration with you or a man. You must protect yourself from the possibility that you could contract something. After all, you have a young son to be concerned about as well as yourself. I know this information through my own journey, although I was never at risk as my husband stopped engaging in intimacy with me long before he was intimate with a man. I will explain in greater detail in a more private setting.

There are many possible outcomes to your predicament. Technically, you are living on "the other side of the closet." If you google that term, you will find info that may be helpful to you. Going into the possible outcomes would cause a long post. in my situation, my husband and I were best friends for many years prior to marrying. Currently, I am still married to Him (Greg), for financial reasons as I am disabled, but we maintain a strictly platonic relationship. He lives around the corner and we share the dogs. We see each other every day and have dinner together every night. Still a housewife insofar as I cook for him every night. Things are wonderful now, but it took quite a bit of work to get to where we are. There is so much I have to say to you, but I do not have the time to post it all. Nor do I feel it is necessary to post it publicly. I just want you to know there is hope and happiness down the road.

Also, I want you to protect yourself physically from this point on. While I was never at risk, the things I have learned about what various men will do makes me worry for your safety. it is not just about what your husband does, but what the men he engages with have done. Once he crosses the line and comes back to you, you might as well have been with the same men he was with as the risks are all there. I will keep looking for a private message from you with so we can speak more frankly. Please feel free to ask me anything you want and tell me anything you may need to. No judgments here with respect to you or your husband. In matters such as these honest and open communication is fundamentally key. I hope you take advantage of my offer of support. Unlike you, I was all alone during the process as I did not turn to forums like these or meet anyone in the same situation to talk to. it would have been the best support I could have had. All you have to do is ask me and I am here for you.

in the meantime, I wish you peace and serenity within the chaos you find surrounding you.

take care and be well,
Callie Sloane